dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Tori Amos/Abnormally Attracted to Sin/May 19, 2009/Universal Republic

by Aleister

If you've heard anything she recorded since 2000, Tori Amos' latest won't surprise you too much. Tori's last three albums have all been in the same vein, and she's likely whittled her fanbase down to only the most dedicated. In fact, her last two releases, 2005's The Beekeeper and 2007's American Doll Posse, likely alienated even those who were entranced by the elegant Scarlet's Walk (2000). As a result, it may be only the most dedicated who pay any attention to the insane sonic clusterfuck which is Abnormally Attracted to Sin.

I would, though, advise those fans to pay a little bit more attention this time around. Sin is, in the first place, enjoyable from beginning to end, which is very likely untrue for Tori's last two. The sickening sweetness of The Beekeeper is nowhere to be found, nor the mood swings or bitchiness of American Doll Posse; Sin also finds Tori sounding as natural and comfortable as she did on "Scarlet's Walk." Though this is her fourth consecutive album clocking in at more than 70 minutes, Tori has managed to cut herself down from 23 ("Posse") to 17 tracks. She's even stopped trying to convince us there's some fancy concept behind the music.

And the highlights are sometimes brilliant: “Not Dying Today” is catchy without being kitschy; “Mary Jane,” Tori's ode to marijuana, is her most successful foray into music-hall pop; “Give” and the title track both revive Tori's old drum machines, and use them perfectly; and “Lady in Blue,” a typical epic Tori closing track, features one of the more beautiful vocal performances in recent memory. The absolute highlight is “Maybe California,” likely one of the finest tracks of Tori's career.

Of course, at 70+ minutes, there's bound to be some bullshit. “Welcome to England” and “500 Miles” sound like (forgettable) 80s singles, and “That Guy” is, bluntly, poorly written. The overkill of synth-and-drum on “Police Me” sounds ridiculous in comparison to the artful uses on “Give” and the title track. Tori would be well advised to cut her albums down – this is the third in a row to have a few too many unnecessary tracks. It isn't as bad this time around, but its beginning to become annoying. If the quality of her next release is up to par with this, without the five weakest songs that she'll want to include, she may find herself faced with the comeback album she's been trying to craft for nearly a decade.

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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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