dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Monday, June 22, 2009

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

We have made it through one entire episode in the BFF mansion. Paris sent home two of the ladies last time – who will go tonight?

Onch comes in dressed like the tooth fairy for some reason. The potentials are greed to a 7.5 foot tall cupcake. Apparently, Paris' idea of a challenge is a whacked out Willy Wonka wet dream. The BFFs have to dive into the largest cupcake in the world to find three eggs. While they're looking, Paris starts throwing chocolate onto the girls. Caitlin's egg had a friendship ring. Desiree's egg had a coupon for an exotic dance from Onch. We get to watch as Onch gives her a lap dance which ends with him licking her ass. Katie's egg has the coupon to decide to be up for discussion – she puts Desiree up for discussion. It turns into a cupcake filled cat fight! Paris picks a new pet – she picks Katie! She is possibly the dumbest person on this show. She has a knock off Amy Winehouse beehive.

Katie has to style the other BFFs for the challenge. Katie wears tutus. The boy describes her style as Amy Winehouse riding on the back of a My Little Pony into Disneyland. And I can totally see it! It's sort of like she looked at normal people fashion and the signal got crossed while going through the beehive. The potential BFFs are headed to the salon! Paris is not impressed by what Katie did to her house mates. Paris teaches us the valuable lesson: The outside is just as important as the inside.

OMG! Makeovers for the Miss Paris pageant!! This time, she tells the BFFs that they get to pick their own style and Paris will judge it. While Nicole is trying on the frilliest dress ever, the gay stylist is gossiping with the boy BFF about her. Katie freaks out when Nicole decides to get neon colors in her hair as well.

OMG!!! SANTINO IS THE SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE!!!!! The girls walk down the red carpet and then have to answer a pageant question. Katie comes out looking like a complete and total train wreck – she wears some sort of knock-off Betsy Johnson monstrosity. Nicole completely and totally fails at the challenge. The winner of the Miss Paris pageant is Amanda. I, for one, am so thrilled that Paris is teaching the young ladies of America that how you look outside is just as important (if not more important) than what is on the inside.

Elimination time! The two people up for discussion (in addition to Desirae) are Nicole and Kristen. While the losers fret at the house, Katie and Amanda gossip about the other BFFs during their mani/pedi date. The BFFs aren't too sympathetic to Nicole's major faux pas. Paris puts Katie up for discussion because of the fashion disasters and how she didn't talk. Desirae is safe for the time being – she takes Katie's seat. Paris tells Nicole to stop being such an airhead (does no one else find it ironic that Paris Hilton is telling someone not to be an airhead?!). It's down to silicone Katie and kinda fat Kristen. Paris sends both of them home!!!! Katie then proceeds to cuss out Paris. That's not hot.

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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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