Abbey, by New Belgium / Aisle 1.5, the 6-pack cooler / $1.50

by Mitch LeClair

Every good young man’s life should include a semi-solitary night of garden planting, delicious beer, and a freshly rolled American Spirit natural tobacco cigarette. For this lucky writer, tonight was my night.

As I write this review, I sit in my above-hot living room here in weatherly anomalous South Dakota. For the previous week, we Dakotans have experienced quite varied weather, ranging from funnel cloud-inducing thunderstorms, to 50 degree nights, to yesterday’s high of 94. Sometimes a person needs a sort of leveler, a balance in his or her life. New Belgium’s Abbey became such a balance for my life this evening.

It’s a dark beer, but not overpowering or stimulating overloads of saliva in one’s mouth. I’m a guy who likes porters and various other, almost oily dark beers, but on a hot summer night I just don’t want such a thing. Because of this, I was a little skeptical of what Abbey’s bottle proclaims is a “Belgium Ale,” label complete with tulip glass full of a dark, thick looking substance.

However, after one drink, I knew I was safe. This isn’t your typical dark beer, in that it leaves a strong aftertaste, yet it doesn’t leave a drinker grabbing for a chaser. Or a peanut butter sandwich. All I want is more.

Unfortunately, I’m poor, and I could only afford one $1.50 bottle from our local municipal liquor store. (Yeah, our town controls the license heavily. This community of approximately 12,000 in Brookings has only one option in spirit purchases, though the prices of beer and wine aren’t too bad, so I can’t gripe too much.)

New Belgium Brewery recently introduced an a small sampling of its brews to our town. They graced us with Fat Tire - my #1 beer, ever - Mothership Wit, and 1554 just last month. They haven’t been able to distribute to South Dakota previous to this primary round of deliveries.

I like to think a visit by me, my former roommate, his dad, and our friend to the brewery in Fort Collins last summer, and all the hassling over availability issues that ensued, had something to do with their ability to bring us such wonderful brews in our relatively desolate area. Either way, I saw My Morning Jacket and The Black Keys at Red Rocks Amphitheatre that weekend, so I’m content.

But, back to the beer. Right now, I’m about 4/5 done with my glass of Abbey, wishing there was more, wishing this Edgar Winter Group album would get past this cheesy shit and get to on Frankenstein, fucking soon.

I didn’t realize that they made “Free Ride” before my new roommate brought over the vinyl with the rest of his stuff. I thought it was Foghat, then he reminded me they made “Slow Ride.” Oh the things you’ll know.

I can’t think of a decent metaphor to describe the taste of Abbey. I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get after you’re finally buzzed at a shitty wedding dance. A wash of flavor, but not enough to make a person nervous around his or her parents. Or high-quality wine drunk, quickly.

Go get one, if New Belgium delivers to you. Or if you’re ever in the Midwest, pick up one of these fantastic beers, and be sure to follow the brewery’s advice: keep it cool, never cold.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesday

by Oryomai

Omg, another week with Paris! What can she possibly do after the world's biggest cupcake?! Thank god she eliminated the fat girl last week – someone might have made her eat something.

This week starts off with a video of Paris on the oven. She tells the BFFs that they're hosting a dinner for her friends and family. If she has friends, why the fuck does she need this show? Paris sends them to a nice restaurant to learn manners from a French chef. The nicest place some of these girls have been is probably the Olive Garden on the bad side of town. And not a goddamn one of them can understand the French accent. I expected it from the girls, but I'm disappointed in the gay. The French chef trots out the favorite torture food of the rich – escargot.

Obligatory Onch moment! Gaysian in sparkly pink raincoat and a tiara. Bitch, who needs to win when you're on the whole second season?

The BFFs have to cook for Paris. They decide to cook duck. They bought a frozen duck. I'm no master of the kitchen, but I think I would've checked to see if I had to gut anything before I bought it. Paris shows up with two hotties partway through the cooking. They're moving into the house today, and they're new competitors! What the fuck Paris?! Everyone starts to freak out because there are (apparently) straight boys in the house. My vote's on the gay getting both of them.

Paris – we need to have a little offsides discussion. Why are we inviting straight boys? You have ladies and a gay. We all know straight boys – if they're not putting it in you, they're a waste of space.

Back to the show: The straight boy is roller blading around in a Speedo. Thankyouverymuch.

Dinner party time! One of the appetizers is french fries. What the fuck. They make duck with a mandarin orange glaze. It does not go over well...to quote Paris “disgusting.” The ladies are not impressed with the new straight boys. I don't even want to listen to them speak. I listen to Paris Hilton tell people they need to be less superficial.

Paris decides to ask the BFFs questions about their lives. She has looked in their files, so she wants to see if they lie. We get through the first few BFFs without anyone lying. Go team. Caitlin is the first one to lie – she's been with a friend's boyfriend. Stephanie just bursts into tears because she's a lame, miserable whore. Paris decides not to put someone up for discussion after the dinner.

Elimination time, bitches!!! Oh no! Caitlin, Chris, and David are all up for discussion! Those straight boys just got there, lady. Paris...this show has so little eye candy. Please don't send it all away! Time to confront Caitlin for being a slutbag road whore. She admitted it during casting but decided to lie to Paris. She should be eliminated for being a fucking moron. Paris decides to let Tinkerbell pick who's going home. Paris is an even bigger fucking moron.

Chris goes home because the dog doesn't like him. That's a big fuck you, Paris. Thanks for teasing me with eye candy and then taking it away. I was enjoying a half naked straight man roller blading.

The teaser for next week? Paris sends the BFFs to jail so they can see what it was like for her. It's so hard being her!

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

Another week, another chance to watch New York humiliate herself on national television. This week, New York is going to be a fast food worker. Seriously? What the motherfuck VH1? Do you have any idea what the hell fast food workers make? And some stupid cunt might make ten grand for showing up for the day? How is that even fair?! … I'm gonna get off my soap box and review the show now.

First task: food prep. New York has to wash potatoes. She has to clean each of them separately. How can she fuck this shit up? Um...I'm not sure that she's washing them off. She's pulling them out of the water and putting them on the counter. That's not sanitary, is it? New York decides the best course of action is to start flirting with the assistant manager. He doesn't give a damn. Big fail on that.

Next: food. The cook is showing New York how to make cheeseburgers. They actually look kinda good. I would be wary of earing anything that New York had touched. Goddamn, that bitch ain't even wearing gloves! She probably has herpes on her hand from touching Flav's crotch. She burns her hand and runs away from the stove while there are a bunch of people waiting for their food. I wonder what this third world immigrant cook thinks of this rich black ho who can't figure out how to cook. Another big fail.

Last task: customer service. Well, New York is the HBIC. She should be able to handle these whiny customers. New York cannot figure out how to order the food. She's easily confused. She can't find any of the buttons or figure out how to work the cash register. She is the stupidest person I have ever seen. You know, everyone has been made fun of fast food workers once in a while, but New York makes them look like goddamn rocket scientists. They frown upon you saying “peace out” at the drive-thru. She is just the most pathetic and stupid human being that has ever walked the face of this Earth. This one white trash bitch in the line is honking like crazy. This white girl orders a veggie burger and a lemonade...goddamn hippie whore. New York calls her a bitch...the woman can hear through the glass. That's not good. Another fail.

Decision time...? Is there much of a decision to be made? She completely failed at every single task that was put before her. Teenagers and retirees can do this job, and New York cannot hold it together for one day. Does anyone actually believe that she can hold down a real job? This was the most pathetic shit show that I have ever witnessed. To no one's surprise, New York doesn't get the money.

Finally – a twist in the show! New York is a pro boxer, and we get to pick who she fights. Mr. Boston (of I Love New York “fame”), Bryan (the jagbag* from the pig farmer episode), or Pumkin (the bitch that spit on New York during Flavor of Love). I know this, I would not want to get in the ring with a crazy bitch with an axe to grind.

*Jagbag = jagoff douchebag

NYC Prep/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

So basically, even as the show just rolled through its opening credits, I realized that this is pretty much the real life account of those tweeny Gossip Girl books.

Just to preface, all of these kids look like hairy monkies that swallowed lemons and were given the opportunity to dress like people for their television debut. Their personalities only make it worse.

The first two Preparatory School Seniors we meet are Jesse, the blonde girl. And PC the douche. The two meet up because they're nervous about college and apparently the big prestige of Prep school is getting into some great schools. PC thinks since they're wealthy a few strings can get tugged here and there. Jesse wants to just get it to get it, she doesn't want mommy 'n daddy to do it for her. But, I'm sure that's not true, and I'm sure she's just saying it while there's a camera in her face.

So PC sits in a large armchair in a really tight suit and something about his face just beckons me to want to punch it silly. He says that he was born in raised in the upper east side and you would never guess by his general pinched face and ugly attitude.

While Jesse, the girl, (not to be confused with Jesse's girl) talks fashion, I notice that her eyes are far too close together and she looks a bit like a flounder (both eyes on one side of its head). Anyway, Jesse is such a fashionista that she even has her own personal Barney's shopper.

Back to the date (Where PC is drinking a beer and I'm not sure how) the duo talk about the charity work they'll have to do to look good for schools. Jesse wants to get involved more with Operation Smile which helps middle Eastern kids with cleft palates. Kite Runner, much? Anyway, PC thinks this is a waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Like, what if we run out of Yves St. Laurent hair gel? Or maybe his pants will properly fit him instead of bulging his baby package for all to see?

Kelli is 16 and lives on the upper east side. She wants to sing. She's decent, I guess. Sounds like something on the N's Degrassi. Like any normal 16 year old, she and her brother (18) live together in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. Family comes in once a week to check in, but other than that they live in the Hamptons. Kelli's tiny face boasts that she doesn't do work, she doesn't do school work and all she and her brother do are go out with friends and party hardy all the time. She says she's glad to be independent, but I feel bad for her because independent doesn't mean living off of mommy and daddy and proverbially sneaking out the window.

While Kelli's out to dinner with her friend Megan, Sebastian shows up. He's also 16 and swallowed similar PC lemons. He likes to chase women, and I haven't been sixteen in 5 years (or straight) but..wtf?! He looks like a surfer cum Monkee cum Tool Academy Drop out cum Pan from Narnia. I guess, to young men everywhere, STIs are STIs and he shall wear them like a badge of honor. FOR NARNIA!

Camille looks like she'd be a Camille. She's rather annoying and loud like a boisterous, starving artist theatre major type. In her bubbly, articulate, annoying tone she explains that she will attend Harvard, get a high powered exec. Job, get a husband and have 2 girls. I'm reminded of a movie I saw once … Village of the Damned. Where all the children had these dark, scary expressions and tried to control your mind. I think that's what Camille is. Currently, she's fretting about SAT scores and finds out via blackberry that she did pretty well, but she could achieve a perfect score. All she's worrying about now is getting some community service hours and just needs some breathing room!

Taylor goes to the public school but has a lot of prep school friends. Even though she doesn't go to the same school, she is obsessed with having the status and all that. To serve this point further, in a scene where she is sitting on the couch at home with her mom she just outright “TELLS” her mom she's having a party…not asks, TELLS. She's so snarky and annoying that I'm not sure why mama spared the rod. Clearly she spoiled the child though. Yes, I went there.

Sebastian and Kelli head downtown to do some shopping since they both love fashion. Sebastian knows he could get her as his gee-eff, but he doesn't want to because he feels like he needs to be free as a bird in his ripe old age. Anyway, Camille calls Kelli about Taylor's party and Sebastian agrees to come with.

Taylor's happy to host instead of party hop. Since houseparties in NYC are just about unheard of, Tay has it at a Japanese restaurant. The guest list consists of both public and private school kids. Kelli and Camille feel out of place and throw each other pouty looks of disapproval because the kids are talking poorly about private school kids. Well, Sebastian shows up and starts flirting with the hostess, sending Camille and Kelli packing because K can't stand the sight of her hairy boi flirting it up with another brunette. Oh no she didn'! It looks like Kelli might even be crying!

Jesse meets up for dinner with her old pal Zoe who talk about fashion because they love fashion because fashion RULEZ. Anyway, they also talk about Jesse and PC and we learn that the two used to date long ago (when they were 14) but it didn't work out so now they're just best friends. Sniff, sniff…what's that smell? DRAMA?! You said it.

PC and Jesse go together to the art and fashion event. Jesse is looking for opportunities with Project Smile and PC just seems to be standing there with his usual sullied expression.

PC sees Kelli and Camille and thinks Kelli is cute and thus gets her number. Jesse hates this and just looks on with a look of sheer disgust and the two younger Juniors just avert her gaze. Jesse has a bitchy reputation. But I think she's actually a bitch so... no biggie. Why the hell Jesse is upset with PC's talking to the other two… thinks that they already have enough friends and don't need more. There's that WE card again. I'm pretty sure you and PC are separate entities, Jess. Otherwise, YEESH. They couldn't put the two of you as one person on the air.

PC is going to have dinner with Kelli. Jesse thinks it's stupid, but PC doesn't really care what she thinks. Ah, the tempo of the show. PC and Jesse have an upscale “Brit and K-Fed” vibe to them. Pretty soon she's going to be commando, driving her Bentley with her teacup poodle not properly strapped into his doggy seat.

Sebastian's passion is hooking up with other girls, because apparently this is a big part of prep school. Gabe is his wing man and also another giraffe-like rich boy with money making up for the beating of the ugly fairy. So the two of them are running game and hair flipping their way to true love. They're on a double date and Sebastian's smooth French talk seems to woo his date, Remy. She thinks he's really hot and that it's SO COOL that he's telling her he wants to marry her in French and all that. I would be thoroughly freaked out if I sat down for Pommes Frites and got Sebastian spewing French at me. Maybe she'll convince him to pluck his brows and manscape a little.

PC sets up dinner with Kelli and is pissed that Camille is there. Kelli basically says to get over it and Camille is there with an angle. She wants to get into some charity work and since Jesse is really into Operation Smile she wants her good graces. Heavens. PC asks the girls what they're doing this weekend and Kelli says that she's grounded. He asks them if they're twelve and Camille offhandedly comments that PC's comment was abrasive. Of course that sets the little twerp off and he thinks they're bitches that act like they know it all.

PC and Jesse go out for drinks. Once again, this is Gossip Girl. I vaguely remember Blair and Serena having cosmos at the Waldorf Astoria. But, at any rate. Jesse says she wants to set PC up, but he wants no girls that are just like him. Chuck Bass anyone? GAYGAYGAY. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, Jesse reminds him that it's not all about him and PC retorts by throwing a water bottle at her. Freaking out, the blonde fishy leaves and PC calls her a massive cunt. Somehow I see him in 5-6 years in the news for slicing strippers' throats in D.C. or cutting people's faces off to wear.

PC then apologizes to Jesse via Blackburry and the two of them make up. He says he loves her. Maybe he'll get an HJ now.

Sree’s/Pittsburgh, PA/Indian

by Robert Isenberg

Sreevardhan Mekala has dark skin, a big smile, and an unflappable mustache. He looks both relaxed and eager at the same time, like an aikido instructor, and his low voice sings in welcoming: “Khelp you, sir?” There isn’t much small-talk with Sree, but the moment he pours steaming tomato dal over a bed of basmati rice, you feel a certain kinship. You are poor, and Sree offers cheap, delicious food. Your lunch-break is brief, and Sree is the master of efficiency. Sree’s is a Hyderabadi quickie: Wham, bam, thank you kitchen-wallah.

Sree has quite the résumé – raised in Hyderabad, earned his Masters in India, became a biologist and researched for the Pittsburgh Oncology Center. According to legend, Sree’s wife, Vydehi Mekala, used to do marketing, but she tired of all the travel and paperwork. “But I don’t mind cooking 12 to 16 hours a day,” she told her husband. It may sound like a chauvinist fantasy, where a wife turns away from a high-profile job to toil over a burner, and customers call her “Mrs. Sree” instead of her real name. And Sree has also forfeited his career in medical science to a run a store, exchanging one stereotype for another. But when you meet them, none of this seems to matter. They clearly love to serve food. And they love to do it fast.

The moment you enter Sree’s, you are caught in a current of activity: You join a line and peruse the menu, which only offers five different items. The items change daily, but you’re choice is limited – on Tuesday, it’s Tamarind chicken, mixed-veggie tofu, chickpea potato, grape leaves curry, and broccoli with lentils. If you go vegetarian, you get three items; if chicken, you get a vegetable side. That’s it. Sree says hello and takes your order, and within 35 seconds, he ladles rice, chicken, dal and a piece of unleavened bread into a Styrofoam container, seals the container and rings you up. Within a minute, you have a $5 lunch and 50¢ can of soda. There are no individual tables, per se, just a ring of tables pressed against the wall; diners are forced to sit next to each other, like drunks at a dive bar. Napkins are paper towels torn from a freestanding roll; silverware is disposable plastic, stuffed into cubbyholes. A standard-issue Sree’s meal will fill you up in 15 minutes flat, leaving 35 minutes of lunch-break to mill around Downtown.

If you come alone – and most people do – Sree’s is the ultimate place to people-watch. It’s not easy; the layout forces you to stare at a blank wall, away from the other diners, but if you take the time to covertly crane your neck, you’ll see every type of customer: High-powered attorneys meeting between court-cases; Point Park students loudly bitching about their stupid dance coach; and a small army of bike-couriers sucking up rice and curry in a desperate attempt to replenish calories. The great equalizer is the can of Pepsi or Mountain Dew; despite Sree’s commitment to healthy, authentic Indian cuisine, chai never makes a cameo.

Not everyone like Sree’s, or even Sree himself. “He used to order large batches of samosas,” recalls a waiter at Peoples, one of Pittsburgh’s most beloved Indian restaurants. “Samosas are really hard to make. It’s slow, tedious work. And Sree would buy them from us so he wouldn’t have to make them himself, and then he’d mark up the price. So it was low labor, high profit. We got tired of it, so we don’t sell them to him anymore.” The waiter pauses. “But other than that, he’s a really nice guy.”

And it's true: Whatever his minor trespasses, Sree's has become a local institution, where hundreds of disparate diners visit every afternoon to feast on low-fat goodness. Sree's cuisine is so popular that there is a satellite restaraunt -- a little red "food-truck" -- parked on Carnegie-Mellon's campus, and students line up for the window, their ulges bulging with hunger.

Pittsburgh is said to boast a conspicuously large number of Indian-Americans, as measured against the city’s total population. Given how many Indian restaurants there are – a half-dozen in Oakland, the city’s university district, another half-dozen Downtown, and dozens more scattered through the environs – Sree’s is wholly unique. There’s no dinner menu, no reservations, no bussers, no place-settings or TV playing Bollywood dance-numbers. At 3 p.m. the restaurant closes. Pity the bike messenger whose lunch-break is delayed.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

We have made it through one entire episode in the BFF mansion. Paris sent home two of the ladies last time – who will go tonight?

Onch comes in dressed like the tooth fairy for some reason. The potentials are greed to a 7.5 foot tall cupcake. Apparently, Paris' idea of a challenge is a whacked out Willy Wonka wet dream. The BFFs have to dive into the largest cupcake in the world to find three eggs. While they're looking, Paris starts throwing chocolate onto the girls. Caitlin's egg had a friendship ring. Desiree's egg had a coupon for an exotic dance from Onch. We get to watch as Onch gives her a lap dance which ends with him licking her ass. Katie's egg has the coupon to decide to be up for discussion – she puts Desiree up for discussion. It turns into a cupcake filled cat fight! Paris picks a new pet – she picks Katie! She is possibly the dumbest person on this show. She has a knock off Amy Winehouse beehive.

Katie has to style the other BFFs for the challenge. Katie wears tutus. The boy describes her style as Amy Winehouse riding on the back of a My Little Pony into Disneyland. And I can totally see it! It's sort of like she looked at normal people fashion and the signal got crossed while going through the beehive. The potential BFFs are headed to the salon! Paris is not impressed by what Katie did to her house mates. Paris teaches us the valuable lesson: The outside is just as important as the inside.

OMG! Makeovers for the Miss Paris pageant!! This time, she tells the BFFs that they get to pick their own style and Paris will judge it. While Nicole is trying on the frilliest dress ever, the gay stylist is gossiping with the boy BFF about her. Katie freaks out when Nicole decides to get neon colors in her hair as well.

OMG!!! SANTINO IS THE SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE!!!!! The girls walk down the red carpet and then have to answer a pageant question. Katie comes out looking like a complete and total train wreck – she wears some sort of knock-off Betsy Johnson monstrosity. Nicole completely and totally fails at the challenge. The winner of the Miss Paris pageant is Amanda. I, for one, am so thrilled that Paris is teaching the young ladies of America that how you look outside is just as important (if not more important) than what is on the inside.

Elimination time! The two people up for discussion (in addition to Desirae) are Nicole and Kristen. While the losers fret at the house, Katie and Amanda gossip about the other BFFs during their mani/pedi date. The BFFs aren't too sympathetic to Nicole's major faux pas. Paris puts Katie up for discussion because of the fashion disasters and how she didn't talk. Desirae is safe for the time being – she takes Katie's seat. Paris tells Nicole to stop being such an airhead (does no one else find it ironic that Paris Hilton is telling someone not to be an airhead?!). It's down to silicone Katie and kinda fat Kristen. Paris sends both of them home!!!! Katie then proceeds to cuss out Paris. That's not hot.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

What could New York do this week to top the past weeks? We have seen New York deal with bugs, pigs, and naked people. America, when Cole Porter said “be a clown,” I don't think this is what he had in mind.

New York has three tasks: training, heading a children's, birthday party, and performing in a clown show. I like how now her tasks are not even specific (like inseminate a pig) but just general acts that even the most simple of people should be able to do. Thankfully, the clown school makes New York put on her clown outfit right away – lady looks good in a neon blue wig!

The first part of New York's training is learning how to make balloon animals from the ballusionist. I wasn't aware that that was a word. New York is pretty good at blowing up he balloons (although I imagine she has a lot of practice with putting rubber on a tip). New York isn't too terrible at making balloon animals. The second part of this task is to juggle. She is totally awful at juggling on the other hand. She doesn't realize that you can only throw one at a time. The highlight of the episode is the New York sock puppet that Moxie brings out. She tells a completely inappropriate joke (which is totally expected of New York). New York passes the training challenge.

Children's party is the next challenge. New York hates kids. New York has to be sassy but not nasty at the children's birthday party. She gets a little sassy with the kids...she sort of yells at the group of them. One of the little kids just starts freaking out and tells New York that if she touches him he will sue her for sexual harassment. She barely touches him, but Moxy is not pleased. The balloon maker is not pleased that New York makes a disabled dinosaur. She fails the party portion of the challenge.

The last task is to perform in the clown show. This is where New York has to put all of the things she has learned together. That fat obnoxious kid is sitting in the front row. I don't know why anyone thought that New York should be around children for any period of time longer than a minute. She does not have the personality type that one needs to deal with children day after day. For the grand finale, New York spins balls on her arms and head while the other two clowns juggle around her. It was actually moderately impressive. She passes the finale.

Will New York make her ten grand this week? She passed two of the tasks, but she did manhandle a child. I think that that is frowned upon in most first world countries. New York said that after this challenge, she is going to get her tubes tied. She got a no from the balloon guy. A yes from the juggler. Epoxy splits his vote because of New York pushing that little bastard. The final decision: New York fails because she manhandled that child and then she starts to fuck the place up. New York is one classy lady.

Next week, will New York be a bounty hunter, a landscaper, or a fast food worker? Only time will tell...

Real Housewives Of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday nights

by Lauren Rara

Dina and Lexie come over to see Teresa's house. In Oz. As Dina puts it. The house is insanely large, like one who was playing The Sims and has a freaking billion dollars to spend. I don't even know how one would fill a house of this size. It seriously looked like the Sopranos threw up in here, several times. The coolest part of the house is the wine cellar where Joe makes his wine. Dina and LExie can't stand the smell of the room and I don't blame them. That is one TERRIBLE fuckin' stench. But what do you expect from fermented grapes?

Dina and Teresa sit outside with some wine and Teresa explains that she wants to have a party at a nice restaurant and invite the usual suspects, including Danielle. This news seems to make Dina viscerally uncomfortable. But, Teresa defends that Dani is friends with Jacqueline and it should be okay for her to come. That's not enough for Dina who feels like it's ridiculous and upsetting that Danielle HAS to come to functions. But then she says she doesn't need to entertain her. It's Jacqueline's problem. I agree, fuck 'em. What is this Mean Girls? Don't invite her instead of having her come and ignoring her.

Danielle has the girls come out so that she can show them some photos from her modeling days. While the photos are blurred out, the looks on the girls faces are proof enough that some of these probably aren't exactly G-Rated. Using these pictures as a segue to tell them about the book. Yes, she did strip, get arrested and change her name (in that order). The little 14 year old says she'll trust her mama no matter what and then explains that whoever found this book probably was just trying to make people hate her. She is, and I stand by this, the smartest girl on this show. Lexie could learn from her. Ashley too, probably.

Danielle addresses the talk of the dinner party and seems a bit weary to head there. Jac is relieved because she's neutral like Switzerland and she's tired of everyone bitching. Uh yeah, that shrill sounding Jersey drawl ain't the nicest to listen to.

Jacqueline's parents come in to town driving a HUGE TOUR BUS. I think I actually saw Ashley and Farrah get off the bus to vomit up some Lean Cuisine or something. Anyway, Jac explains that her parents are very laid back non-pretentious types and as they talk about botox and Pampered Chef, Jac's dad warns her of looking like Goldie Hahn. Anyway, Jac asks mom and pops for advice about Ashley's car and her dad, an ex colonel in the army, says to give her some restrictions. 'Cause, you know, Ashley's so moderate. What do you expect from a 17 year old spoiled brat? I mean, really!?

Lexie decides she's too cool for the stuffed animals in her room so she and mama gather up some trash bags and eradicate the plushy problem. Most of the animals reside beneath the girl's bed and Dina jokes that this is what happens when you have housekeepers instead of cleaning up your own house. HARHARHAR Cue snobbish, bitchlaugh. Must be nice. If my mom saw a bunch of shit under my bed, she'd simply throw it out-- no questions asked. They also unearth a DRAWER full of candy. Deluxe candy, too. You know she went trick or treating in the rich neighborhoods. Anyway, Dina takes this as a sign that her house is falling apart and it's not a good thing to be away for so long.

Note to self: never try to fuck with Caroline. She and her husband have a beautiful German Shepherd who is one year old. And the kicker? They're training him to be a protection dog as we can tell by the way he chases down a pseudo attacker and locks his jaws on his arm. DANG. I would never want that big, lumbering doggie to come at me. When they train him with an AK-47 that's when ya really gotta look out. YIKES. Faghettaboutit.

Back at casa del Jacqueline, Chris wants the family to come outside. They give Ashley the car and she just cries and cries and cries. But, shock of all shocks, they lay down some ground rules and remind Ashley that it's their car and she gets to use it as she improves with grades and room-keeping, etc... I wonder how long that's going to last? They probably gave it to her in the end so that the viewers can't see what really happens.

Caroline, Dina, and Lexie all have dinner and Dina tells Caroline she misses being a true blue housewife. I mean, there are so many things happening while D's at work that go on. The bags upon bags of stuffed animals. And, LEXIE IS GROWING BUBBIES! Lexie says she can't stop her from growing and HAY at least hers are real. HA HA HA HA! At any rate, Caroline basically tells Dina to do what makes her happy and in that moment, or as Bravo portrays it, Dina says she is officially retired. What a hard life, Dina... hardhard life.

It's party time. And everyone's invited. Caroline, Dina, and Jackie show up early and everyone mingles around. Jac loves Teresa's new bubbies and honestly they look natural and normal on her small frame. Dina even bought Danielle a little sexy couple'a pieces of lingerie for she and Joe to try out. Oooh lala. Her new bubbies are fantastic, and the talk of the party. Especially when Teresa turns her "high beams" on. Awkward as America looks on to see the high beams as well. More awkward is the question of Caroline's titty authenticity. They are REAL, people. Gash, a girl can't have a nice pair without them being fake in this town, apparently.

Danielle and the girls show up late and don't give any hugs to the hostess with the mostest. The girls are grossed out by the raw oysters and joke and laugh about the texture. They also joke about how Joe wanted to get some right when Teresa came home from the hospital. As Teresa reddens up everyone's face with her re-telling, they guffaw and roll all over the place. It's a nice atmosphere. Everyone's joking around, except for Danielle who out of the blue pulls out THE BOOK. Why? I have no idea. And then no one speaks.

Well of course, Dina breaks the ice by asking wtf?! And Danielle retorts by trying to defend her name and honor. She keeps going on and on with this tirade about how she's flattered people took such interest in her life and Dina asks her if she can stop her. Danielle says no. Teresa says actually she can if she wants. The whole back and forth results in the little tots being ushered outside and the big kids staying for the show. Surprisingly, Caroline remains levelheaded throughout, serving as mediator. Dina is the victim of most of the scandal's getting around town, when she claims she didn't do it.

Caroline has Danielle look at her and say that she's the one that told them and that Dani better stop playing the blame game when it's not true. She claims that the family is "as thick as thieves" and you can't mess with them. SO I'm super confused, I don't know if you fellow viewers are, too. But basically, Caroline defends it was her. Jacqueline pipes in to say it was both of them. And Danielle just keeps harping on Dina. Caroline looks like the godfather and I feel like all she'd need is to snap her fingers for her goons to come out and snap Danielle in half like the twig she is.

WELL it gets back to Teresa, pissed because she's thrown this dinner party and there Danielle is saying she didn't want to start anything even though she brought the book. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS? Teresa jumps up like an animal, flips a table, and nearly rips Danielle's head off. Dina comments that she's never seen her act like that... But when you piss an Italian off...boy oh boy... I know first hand you don't wanna be on the receiving end of that. Especially when they're screaming like that.

Well, Dina says she doesn't feel like Danielle needs retribution, but prayers instead. The rest of the table is in an uproar as the clothes are wine soaked and the food is all over the floor. Danielle says if she ever wants to be friends with them again they all need to apologize. LA LA LA LA. But she still maintains it was in fact Dina that did this to her even though Caroline is explicitly telling her otherwise.

Then Bravo updates us with what's going on in all the girls' lives:

Teresa and Joe are expecting

Jacqueline and Chris are expecting and it's become something the family is close over again.

Dina has retired

Danielle is still searching for her soul mate

And the funniest one?

Caroline is not sorry for the book. She said she'd do it again.

That's hilarious. Everyone else gets a happy little blip and Caroline's is the hard ass gangster one. She's probably in the mob with Joe. Or by herself.

I'll miss you, real trashwives of New Jersey. For bubbies! For Chuckies! For you! Mwah!

Beauty Bar / New York City / Booze & Manicures

by Eriq

Next time you’re in the East Village, stop by the Beauty Bar for a drink or two. It’s a few steps away from the metro stop at 3^rd Ave and 14^th St, so stop in and enjoy some good music and get a great… manicure?

If you're like me, you don't live in New York City and can't imagine a legal activity that would allow you to afford to do so. Thus, you and I are Visitors To The City (tourist is a four-letter word meaning "please overcharge me"). Using trial and error to find a bar that suits your taste can be time- and money-consuming (think $5 for a glass of water and $13 for a mixed drink), so I did a bit of research before my trip.

My search led me to a former beauty salon now operating as the Beauty Bar. The retro-themed bar, with a row of old sit-down helmet hairdryers, offers some charm and authenticity in a city that can sometimes be short on both. In the afternoon and early evening, the Beauty Bar’s front room is a quiet place to get a drink after a day of exploring the city on foot. As night falls, the overhead lights dim and the music is turned up as the bar transforms into a dance party. After dark, you’ll probably have an easier time getting the attention of the bartender in the back room (it’ll be the one with the loop of Duran Duran videos playing on the wall). On a recent Saturday night visit, the DJ was spinning a pretty great mix of 70’s & 80’s classics and modern dance tracks. I probably would’ve gotten tired of just one or the other, but the DJ kept it fresh and interesting in a way that just another 80’s night wouldn’t have.

Although the nightly $10 “Martini and Manicure” special wasn’t for me, my female traveling companions were overjoyed about the prospect of enjoying both of these things at the same time. The hype turned out to be warranted. The two manicurists on hand were talkative, talented, and each offered a stylish rainbow of nail polish. Throw in a martini (or a beer or what-have-you)? Not bad for 10 dollars. The memory of a manicure-less $13 drink seemed like robbery by comparison. And I think we all know that it’s pretty rare that people leave the bar looking more fabulous than when they came in.

Charm School with Ricki Lake/ Vh1/ Mondays

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Chana Masala/Prep Time: 20 minutes/ Cook Time: 3+ hours

by Aleister

Feeds 3-4 alone, 5-6 if served with rice.

Okay, so, before you get all uptight about food that has to cook for several hours- this dish is completely worth it. And while it cooks, you can burn some Nag Champa, do some yoga, and listen to Ravi Shankar. Chana Masala, which translates roughly as “Chickpeas with spices” is an easy dish, a staple of Indian food, and you'll never forget the orgy of taste and spice dancing on your tongue when you eat it.

Ingredients:
1 tbsp olive oil
¼ large white onion
3 cloves garlic
1 large bell pepper, any color
2 cans chickpeas
½ can peas

Spices:
1 dash salt
1 ½ tsp ground cinnamon
1 ½ tsp black pepper (ground or peppercorns)
1 ½ tsp ground cumin
½ tsp turmeric
½ tsp ground ginger
½ tsp ground clove
½ – 1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
½ tsp ground coriander

Preparation:
1. Heat oil and add garlic (whole) and onion (diced). Sauté until onions are soft.

2. Add bell pepper (cubed), both cans of chickpeas (undrained- the liquid will become the sauce), and peas.

3. Stir in spices. For the cayenne, add none for a mild dish*** (which will still have a kick due to the cinnamon and black pepper), add ½ tsp for a medium dish, and 1 tsp for a hot dish. Simmer for as long as you have – the longer the dish cooks, the more time the flavors party together, and the better it tastes in the end. Cook for at least three hours, and if you have ten hours, then cook for ten hours.

**A quick note about the level of heat: If you've eaten Indian food, you know that hot/spicy/ten-out-of-ten means SPICY AS HELL. Adding the full tsp of cayenne will create a dish so spicy that you'll sweat when you eat it, and consume mass amounts of milk to cut the spicy. This is the best way to eat Chana Masala – if you like really, really spicy food, then make this really, really spicy.

Enjoy!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!