by Lauren Rara
Dina and Lexie come over to see Teresa's house. In Oz. As Dina puts it. The house is insanely large, like one who was playing The Sims and has a freaking billion dollars to spend. I don't even know how one would fill a house of this size. It seriously looked like the Sopranos threw up in here, several times. The coolest part of the house is the wine cellar where Joe makes his wine. Dina and LExie can't stand the smell of the room and I don't blame them. That is one TERRIBLE fuckin' stench. But what do you expect from fermented grapes?
Dina and Teresa sit outside with some wine and Teresa explains that she wants to have a party at a nice restaurant and invite the usual suspects, including Danielle. This news seems to make Dina viscerally uncomfortable. But, Teresa defends that Dani is friends with Jacqueline and it should be okay for her to come. That's not enough for Dina who feels like it's ridiculous and upsetting that Danielle HAS to come to functions. But then she says she doesn't need to entertain her. It's Jacqueline's problem. I agree, fuck 'em. What is this Mean Girls? Don't invite her instead of having her come and ignoring her.
Danielle has the girls come out so that she can show them some photos from her modeling days. While the photos are blurred out, the looks on the girls faces are proof enough that some of these probably aren't exactly G-Rated. Using these pictures as a segue to tell them about the book. Yes, she did strip, get arrested and change her name (in that order). The little 14 year old says she'll trust her mama no matter what and then explains that whoever found this book probably was just trying to make people hate her. She is, and I stand by this, the smartest girl on this show. Lexie could learn from her. Ashley too, probably.
Danielle addresses the talk of the dinner party and seems a bit weary to head there. Jac is relieved because she's neutral like Switzerland and she's tired of everyone bitching. Uh yeah, that shrill sounding Jersey drawl ain't the nicest to listen to.
Jacqueline's parents come in to town driving a HUGE TOUR BUS. I think I actually saw Ashley and Farrah get off the bus to vomit up some Lean Cuisine or something. Anyway, Jac explains that her parents are very laid back non-pretentious types and as they talk about botox and Pampered Chef, Jac's dad warns her of looking like Goldie Hahn. Anyway, Jac asks mom and pops for advice about Ashley's car and her dad, an ex colonel in the army, says to give her some restrictions. 'Cause, you know, Ashley's so moderate. What do you expect from a 17 year old spoiled brat? I mean, really!?
Lexie decides she's too cool for the stuffed animals in her room so she and mama gather up some trash bags and eradicate the plushy problem. Most of the animals reside beneath the girl's bed and Dina jokes that this is what happens when you have housekeepers instead of cleaning up your own house. HARHARHAR Cue snobbish, bitchlaugh. Must be nice. If my mom saw a bunch of shit under my bed, she'd simply throw it out-- no questions asked. They also unearth a DRAWER full of candy. Deluxe candy, too. You know she went trick or treating in the rich neighborhoods. Anyway, Dina takes this as a sign that her house is falling apart and it's not a good thing to be away for so long.
Note to self: never try to fuck with Caroline. She and her husband have a beautiful German Shepherd who is one year old. And the kicker? They're training him to be a protection dog as we can tell by the way he chases down a pseudo attacker and locks his jaws on his arm. DANG. I would never want that big, lumbering doggie to come at me. When they train him with an AK-47 that's when ya really gotta look out. YIKES. Faghettaboutit.
Back at casa del Jacqueline, Chris wants the family to come outside. They give Ashley the car and she just cries and cries and cries. But, shock of all shocks, they lay down some ground rules and remind Ashley that it's their car and she gets to use it as she improves with grades and room-keeping, etc... I wonder how long that's going to last? They probably gave it to her in the end so that the viewers can't see what really happens.
Caroline, Dina, and Lexie all have dinner and Dina tells Caroline she misses being a true blue housewife. I mean, there are so many things happening while D's at work that go on. The bags upon bags of stuffed animals. And, LEXIE IS GROWING BUBBIES! Lexie says she can't stop her from growing and HAY at least hers are real. HA HA HA HA! At any rate, Caroline basically tells Dina to do what makes her happy and in that moment, or as Bravo portrays it, Dina says she is officially retired. What a hard life, Dina... hardhard life.
It's party time. And everyone's invited. Caroline, Dina, and Jackie show up early and everyone mingles around. Jac loves Teresa's new bubbies and honestly they look natural and normal on her small frame. Dina even bought Danielle a little sexy couple'a pieces of lingerie for she and Joe to try out. Oooh lala. Her new bubbies are fantastic, and the talk of the party. Especially when Teresa turns her "high beams" on. Awkward as America looks on to see the high beams as well. More awkward is the question of Caroline's titty authenticity. They are REAL, people. Gash, a girl can't have a nice pair without them being fake in this town, apparently.
Danielle and the girls show up late and don't give any hugs to the hostess with the mostest. The girls are grossed out by the raw oysters and joke and laugh about the texture. They also joke about how Joe wanted to get some right when Teresa came home from the hospital. As Teresa reddens up everyone's face with her re-telling, they guffaw and roll all over the place. It's a nice atmosphere. Everyone's joking around, except for Danielle who out of the blue pulls out THE BOOK. Why? I have no idea. And then no one speaks.
Well of course, Dina breaks the ice by asking wtf?! And Danielle retorts by trying to defend her name and honor. She keeps going on and on with this tirade about how she's flattered people took such interest in her life and Dina asks her if she can stop her. Danielle says no. Teresa says actually she can if she wants. The whole back and forth results in the little tots being ushered outside and the big kids staying for the show. Surprisingly, Caroline remains levelheaded throughout, serving as mediator. Dina is the victim of most of the scandal's getting around town, when she claims she didn't do it.
Caroline has Danielle look at her and say that she's the one that told them and that Dani better stop playing the blame game when it's not true. She claims that the family is "as thick as thieves" and you can't mess with them. SO I'm super confused, I don't know if you fellow viewers are, too. But basically, Caroline defends it was her. Jacqueline pipes in to say it was both of them. And Danielle just keeps harping on Dina. Caroline looks like the godfather and I feel like all she'd need is to snap her fingers for her goons to come out and snap Danielle in half like the twig she is.
WELL it gets back to Teresa, pissed because she's thrown this dinner party and there Danielle is saying she didn't want to start anything even though she brought the book. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS? Teresa jumps up like an animal, flips a table, and nearly rips Danielle's head off. Dina comments that she's never seen her act like that... But when you piss an Italian off...boy oh boy... I know first hand you don't wanna be on the receiving end of that. Especially when they're screaming like that.
Well, Dina says she doesn't feel like Danielle needs retribution, but prayers instead. The rest of the table is in an uproar as the clothes are wine soaked and the food is all over the floor. Danielle says if she ever wants to be friends with them again they all need to apologize. LA LA LA LA. But she still maintains it was in fact Dina that did this to her even though Caroline is explicitly telling her otherwise.
Then Bravo updates us with what's going on in all the girls' lives:
Teresa and Joe are expecting
Jacqueline and Chris are expecting and it's become something the family is close over again.
Dina has retired
Danielle is still searching for her soul mate
And the funniest one?
Caroline is not sorry for the book. She said she'd do it again.
That's hilarious. Everyone else gets a happy little blip and Caroline's is the hard ass gangster one. She's probably in the mob with Joe. Or by herself.
I'll miss you, real trashwives of New Jersey. For bubbies! For Chuckies! For you! Mwah!
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