By Lauren Rara
Tuesday’s episode showcases the brilliance of Teresa working a GPS as she drives from Jersey to NYC to meet with Wilhelmina Modeling Agency about Gia’s future in baby-models. Surprisingly, the woman calls Teresa out on being a pageant mom as she looks over little Gia’s portfolio chock full of this little girl with a full face of makeup. This stuff creeps me out behind belief. How do you even get a little girl to sit still long enough to apply liquid liner, curl their lashes, and pepper them with enough blush to make a clown jealous. Teresa gets a little defensive, stating she paid $800 bucks to have those cards in that portfolio done. Wilhelmina just wants natural, obviously. Look at Miss Dakota Fanning! Her eyebrows remain un-darkened and she’s quite the little success story.
Dina goes out with she and Caroline’s brother Jamie who is a celebrity Chef/stylist by trade. I am not sure what you go to school for in that regard but at any rate he needs D’s help in picking out a “look” for a stylist space. Dina’s got a “bitter pill to swallow” with her business being so up-and-coming and ridiculous. Hubby yearns for the housewife in her, but Dina’s more on the path of “desperate” housewife, i.e. designing huge homes and making money, money, money.
Cut to Jacqueline who sits down with daughter Ashley and explains to her that she didn’t pass two of her classes. Ashley, seriously, looks to her mother and says “I thought you could just take care of that…” From the looks of things, I think that’s not the first time Jac’s had to “take care of things” in the academia sense. Ash needs to go to summer school and maybe, just maybe, they’ll teach her how to sit still for two seconds without swaying her extensions from side to side. It infuriates me that these children have everything handed to them down to the tips on their fingernails and they can’t show enough gratitude to even get a C in a class to pass it? Oye!
Danielle takes her girls rock climbing and I became insta-jealous. My mom only ever took me to Ann Taylor and told me to sit and behave! Danielle says her buff bod is the reason she’s snagged herself a 26 year old guy, but, remember that this certain beau of hers actually looks to be about 40. My dad has more hair on his head at 50 and that’s TRULY saying something. At any rate, Steve (the 26 y/o boytoy) has one the heart of Danielle’s younger daughter, but not the older because he “treats [Danielle] badly” hmm, shocking that she’d put up with that.
Caroline’s daughter Lauren has an interest in cosmetology and, sadly, that’s what Jacqueline did in Vegas as well. I cannot make stripper jokes any longer, so let’s just hope that the hair and makeup she did there was for strippers. They’re classy there. Anyway, Lauren doesn’t want the license to wax anyone’s “chucky” or “pee-pee” because she skeeves. I DO TOO! Ugh. Do you know how gross some people can be? Lay off, Caroline. I’d like to see you wax a peepee that looks like a handful of raisins. But, as Jac, Caroline, and Lauren take a tour of the school their guide suggests a full license is the way to go.
Teresa takes Gia to get some less Jon-Benet esque pictures (too soon?) And brings along at least fifteen matching pink’n’leopard print bags filled with clothes, shoes, and hair accessories. I don’t think I’ve ever owned so much clothing at one time so I was shocked as it just kept coming. Gia looks creeptastically good at the model images, posing in fashions that would make Tyra herself proud.
Danielle has Dr. Maxilosnuffalufagus over for a pampering party. The guest of honor is botox, if you can believe it, and Danielle is excited to get more and give people the opportunity to get some themselves. The gang all comes and Caroline explains her lack of fitting in since she’s sans botox, breast implants, and a whole lotta silicone bitchiness. At any rate, Teresa and Jacqueline get a few injections done but Dina swears against it, even though I thought her lips were fake (confirmed by Jacqueline). She allegedly also gets botox, which is “fine” but, like Dani basically says… don’t knock it when you try it. The entire time Danielle is sitting in the chair, Dina’s making snide remarks about how she wants to shove needles in her face and even about the doc that’s doing it. Rightfully so, Danielle gets a little bit perturbed at this and basically says it’s a slap in her face. But really, let’s get serious, if someone slapped Danielle in the face I don’t even think she’d feel it.
Dina tells her daughter Lexie that she needs to start pulling her weight and making her bed. Lexie claims she doesn’t know “how to make her bed…” which floors me once again because basically it’s just pulling the sheets up and evening them out. I bet she knows how to put a beach towel down to lay out, though. Dina’s hired a nanny for a few days during the week and Lexie implores about being called “your majesty” …like mama, like child.
Danielle invites Jacqueline and CJ over for a little barbecue at her house, explaining her birthday plans. Cristal and a Limo…sounds like my birthday, sans Cristal and limo, actually. Dani’s peevedness from the spa party transcends to the guest list as she explains to Jac she only wants Teresa to come and not “you know who” (Voldermort, obviously). Jacqueline’s face drops as Danielle keeps cutting down Dina and the poor ex-strip—“cosmetologist” feels a loyalty to family over fickleness.
So, Jacqueline goes over to Caroline’s explaining that Ashley had a melt down and cried about how she couldn’t even do something simple like pass school. So, the logical choice is buying her a CAR?! Not to toot my own horn, but if that’s the way the cookie should crumble, Ms. Rara should have at least 4-5 BMW’s lined up and waiting for me. Or maybe a house since I’ve never failed anything. Disgusted, Caroline tries to make Jac see that getting Ashley a car is doing nothing but spoiling her further. DUH! Caroline refuses to speak to her brother (Jacqueline’s husband, Chris) about this fiasco, but instead lets Jac hear it. The girl does need consequences! Caroline’s son Albie jokes that if she gets a car for failing out of school what does she get when she’s locked up? The answer—a small island and a new set of tata’s. Right?
Danielle, Teresa, and Jac go out on a triple date for Danielle’s birthday. Steve, the 26 year old wonder, is just about silent as they eat their food. Danielle calls it “trouble in paradise” and is astonished since they spend so much time communicating and hanging out. The boy probably thinks he needs to be on his best behavior, like he’s out with his stinkin’ parents or something. The tension at the table made me uncomfortable so I felt a little bad for the girls’ and their hubbies. The three ladies meet outside for a pow-wow and Danielle explains that things have been different with Steve and he’s been ignoring her and the like. Teresa says she’s tired of getting dragged into all this “Danielle-drama” and I can see why. Everyone has that “Karen” friend. And if you’re wondering who that is, as Dane Cook says, you’re Karen.
Teresa takes the new pics back to Wilhemina’s modeling agency and after some grumpies, the big boss decides that she can work with a few of the pictures because they are less “pageant-y” and more natural. Lovely!
Jacqueline invites Teresa over for a play date with CJ and Gabrielle and of course, Danielle calls up with Steve-woes, causing the two ladies to roll their eyes but invite her over anyway. Danielle doesn’t know how to break up with Steve, but the girls tell her she really does need to. He’s too young and not what Danielle needs at present. Since Steve is a friend of Teresa and Joe we learn of Steve’s lack of care for Danielle and his imminent need for daily blowjobs… gross. Danielle gets pissed when the girl’s tell her what she needs to hear and leaves in a huff.
As women tend to do, when Danielle leaves Jacqueline and Teresa play “name that rumor” and spew all the alleged scoop they know. “Husband stealer”, “stripper” , and roundabout “prostitute” come up. Caroline gets cut to and hints at an impending investigation of who Danielle really is, since none of the housewives like her except for sweet little Jacqueline.
Like each “coming up next week” preview explains, Danielle’s got a lot of skeletons in her closet and without a doubt we’re going to be treated to every single one of them. But hell, I’m ready.
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