New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

I cannot even imagine what must be going through New York's mind right now. She's royally fucked up her last two jobs, so she's out 20 grand. I'm sure that she'll give it her all because she is such an amazing example of a human being. What could New York do this week that could possibly even come close to topping her ghost hunting adventure? Exotic animal trainer!

This week, in what is probably an attempt to get New York to pass a week, there are only three challenges. But don't worry – New York still has an ample chance to make a total fool of herself on national television. You'd think that watching her try to be a productive member of society would eventually become obnxious or even boring. Luckily, that is not the case with New York.

I know what you're thinking: but I already watched New York deal with animals when she was an exterminator! Don't worry...these are exotic animals. I have two favorite moments in this episode.

1. Watching New York try to lure a hawk to her. The trainer tells her that she has to bait the hawk, and all's cool with New York – she's used to chasing things that don't want her. Shit hits the fan when she's told that she has to bait the hawk with something other than her gigantic fake silicone tits. She has to hold cut up bits of quail until the giant scary bird flies to her. Shockingly, New York does this. She bitches and moans as she does with everything she has to do, but she gets bird guts under her faux nails.
2. New York and a tiger. Nothing says “good idea” quite like that woman and a large cat. Apparently, no one told this tiger that New York is the HBIC. Just watching her try to figure out how to act around a four hundred pound tiger is worth its own episode. New York has to get a tiger to jump from one platform to another. It's fucking hilarious! This bitch can barely walk a straight line on her own let alone make a wild animal do the same thing. Those two have more alike than they realize.

Now, the part that didn't make it to my fav two moments is that at the beginning of the tiger clusterfuck, the tiger starts chasing and tackles one of the employees. This causes New York to start sobbing like a Christian watching a passion play. Unbeknownst to New York, this is all an act! They are trying to show her that she can't be a goddamn stupid cunt around a giant cat. Now, I normally think that New York is totally fucking overreacting about the stunts she has to do for her ten grand, but I don't even know if I could stay calm if they made me deal with a fucking tiger.

Will New York make her money this week? How has she survived missing the twenty grand that she lost out on by not being able to deal with nudists and ghosts? Well, before you get too worried – New York passes!!!!!

What will New York be next week? Doggie daycare worker? Auto mechanic? Super market employee? Well...we've already had the joy of seeing New York interact with animals (both dead and alive) and people), so America...I'd vote auto mechanic. I'd love to see that bitch get oil in her nasty ass weave.