dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Friday, June 12, 2009

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

Omg. I am totally traumatized that Britney and Paris didn't last as friends! Who knew that competing for someone's friendship on national television wouldn't work out? Apparently, these 12 remaining bitches. We get the priviledge of watching how rich people decide who's really their friend (I wonder who Nicole Ritchie beat out...).

First, we move in into the BFF mansion! Luckily, Onch (our fabulous Gaysian from season one) is there to help the ladies along. This week, we're going to learn about sisterhood. Thank the gods Paris is such a philosopher. Paris splits the ladies into two teams – Leather and Lace. Before we can start the festivities, the ladies need to suit the fuck up. Among other things, this show highlights the complete and total couture (and intellectual) tragedy that is Paris Hilton. Onch's “thing” is that he dresses like a Harajuku girl, but Paris is supposed to be fashionable.

Paris makes the ladies do shots of liquor mixed with caviar and anchovies. Gross. Although I imagine with a few drinks in her, Paris will throw anything in her mouth. Timecia pukes but still ends up as the pet. Fabulous. We need to start out with a stereotypical black girl on this show – Paris' show ends up a bit white.

Challenge! Sisters Before Misters! (As someone who's been Bros Before Hos-d before, it's totally lame). Paris decides to throw her friend a bachelor party and unleash the potential BFFs on the friends. For some reason, Paris did not predict the craziness that would ensue. It's probably due to the mass amounts of alcohol and silicone mixing. How'd the ladies do? Just as well as you'd imagine someone who wants to be friends with the herpes mess that is Paris Hilton. Highlights: Monica just ends up flashing her snatch all over the party, and Arika makes out with the guy who's getting married.

Paris totally freaks out at the make out. She completely blames Arika and doesn't seem to care about the boy at all. Completely reinforcing my theory of Paris as the ultimate anti-feminist (next to that cunt Tinkerbell). In, what I consider to be a brilliant piece of humiliation, she makes Arika walk by all the other contestants in a walk of shame. At the end, she presents Arika with the fiancee of the guy she made out with! She also makes Arika tell the fiancee that. For Paris' amusement, we get to watch a girl's heart break in half. Ya know...maybe I have more in common with Paris than I thought... Scary thought. Thought over.

Time for eliminations. OMG! Paris has the Lady Gaga hair bow! I'm not sure how this makes me feel about eliminations, but I'm definitely enjoying it more. Paris does her usual spiel about how much a BFF means to her (which is hilarious for someone who has a fucking show for it!). Even though Kaitlin is a total fake bitch, she sends home Arika because she made out with someone's fiance. Good lord! Paris eliminates Monica pulling a LiLo and showing us that firecrotch. Is Paris planning on having more than four episodes of this show? Bitch needs to lay off the eliminations!

So what did we learn this week? Paris hates the girls involved in drunken make outs, if you can puke up your shot and get back in the game you're golden, and she thinks that tutus are appropriate attire. What the fuck, Paris?

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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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