Well, well, well, if it isn’t a visit from the rumor fairy, gracing upon the lovely county in which our housewives lay.
The “coming up next weeks” have been promising a reveal of Danielle’s dirty little secrets and in this episode we viewers finally get our share of the yellow journaling mommas.
Anyway, the episode starts off with a quaint dinner between Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle. Danielle immediately starts firing at the girls (but mostly Jacqueline) saying that the rumors circulating about her are not true. She’s not a husband stealer. She doesn’t have sex with trainers in exchange for their “services” and she thinks it’s really shitty of Jacqueline especially to believe any of it. Basically through her tirade, she wants to know who has been spreading the rumors. I’d like to know who has been spreading them too, so that Danielle will shut up…and maybe leave?
Cut to Dina, ironically, who is helping Little Lexie pack up for her two week vacation in Cyprus with her biological father. Dina’s rather upset because the way she sees it, she and Lexie are like a modern day Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, against the world. Our lovely buxom mommy is quite scared of her little baby travelling the streets of Greece alone, thinking that all the Greek boys are going to try and woo her. No offense, and I’m sure someday the little one will grow into herself, but for now I don’t think that’s something to worry about. Eeesh. Dina leaves us with a warm, maternal note—claiming that the only thing she and Lexie argue over is panties and bubbies! Dina still wants her to Hanes her way, but Lexie’s all about the So Pink Victoria’s secret collection.
Teresa heads on over to Jacqueline’s place with some exciting news. Mr. Juicy and delicious wants to take Salsa dancing lessons and Teresa wants to know if Jacqueline is in. Of course she is! But, unfortunately, Danielle needs to be included as well and the whole lot of them head on over to a dance studio where they will all take lessons. Funny thing for me is that it was tiny Joey’s idea for this dance off and the entire time he’s there he can’t take two seconds to pause and not let the word “gay” come out of his mouth. Hmm. Anyway, the folks are all having fun with their two steps, and of course, Danielle has to take it seriously. But listen, if one is used to “professionally” dancing they’re going to take it seriously. If the only thing in life that you’re good at is dancing and working out, you’re going to flaunt it, I guess. Well, the rest of the gang just goofs off, but Dani has a plan. When Caroline’s son Albie steps up to be her partner she constantly makes sure his hands are at her gyrating hips. Caroline senses a cougar on the prowl and feels personally insulted when she sees this, but continues to lay in wait like a cobra. Teresa pipes up and says that Danielle was “mauling” Albie, but Albie certainly didn’t look like he minded or maybe that’s just the Italian kindness inside of him.
What pisses Mr. Gay-basher off the most is when he and Danielle are dancing and he calls their instructor gay. It upsets Danielle, and for once in the show I agree with her. Well, Mr. Mafioso can’t take this heat and so after all the dancing is said and done the real tango showdown begins. Danielle tries to call Joe out again for saying yet another gay slur and he barks back and her and in her wise, wise way the ex-dancer explains, “I’m not your wife so don’t yell at me…” Which, of course, pisses of Teresa who chooses not to comment just then and there.
Dina wasn’t able to attend the dancing soiree because she was planning Lexie’s going away party. I didn’t know that people got those for going on vacations, but at any rate, I plan on going away for a long weekend to Ohio—would someone like to buy coleslaw and pasta salad in bulk for me? Thank you! The usual suspects show up, Teresa’s little “angels” all dressed in matching pink bikinis and hair clips. Adorable in that American Girl Doll sort of way.
Caroline speaks about the way Danielle was with her son, Albie, who says he was simply scared of the way she dominated him on the dance floor. Caroline, without missing a beat, says that when you look someone dead in the eye it means you want to do them. Well, poor news for the rest of us polite folks that simply want other to know we’re listening. But once again, Albie makes no real complaints. Maybe he liked the “Cha-cha goldfish” all up on him, ya dig.
Jacqueline and Chris go to the fertility clinic only to find out that age is not just a number. In fact, when you’re trying to conceive at an “older” age the chances of complications are higher. Jac and Chris relish in their son CJ and share a hug outside the doc’s office. Jacqueline wishes she could give her eggs plastic surgery so they’d look younger and flourish with fertile ability. The sad thing is, by the look on her face, I was reminded of Bridget ala “The Girl’s Next Door” and thought—she … she might be serious.
Back with our Gilmore Girls, Dina begins to cry as she begs and pleads Lexie not to go to any water parks in Cyprus because of the weird “butt disease” that one of her friends got there. She also laments about the Lyme disease contracted by Grandma Nina in Germany and hopes Lexie will steer clear of all that. The nasty, hairless cat keeps appearing and if they haven’t gotten sick from looking at that disgusting furless thing, I’m sure Lexie will be fine in Cyprus. Trunks packed and smile protruding, little Lexie leaves her mommy for two whole weeks. Adios!
Danielle shares a caring moment between her girls while they toss some dough in the air to make a pizza. She explains that these girls are her only friends and the viewer can only wonder what is going to happen to the poor darlings with this woman as their example. Danielle also explains that she tried to apologize to Teresa and the woman hung up on her. Juicy/Delish Joe probably told her to. I wouldn’t want that little mongrel nipping at my heels over something like that, and I’m sure Teresa doesn’t either.
The girls, sans Danielle, have a slumber party and, as Caroline explains, they’ve found out all about Danielle’s dirty little secret. The girls have unearthed a book called Cop Without a Badge that apparently exposes Danielle as an ex drug dealer, kidnapper, and prostitute. Each woman is read up on their Danielleology and knows a thing or two about her cryptic past. Since Dani’s ex hubby wrote the book, Caroline notes that if any of it is false she’ll be the first to apologize. I have a hard time believing that, and DANG it must have been one ugly break up if your ex-husband writes a book exposing all your secrets.
Jacqueline, despite the pressure to “break up” with Danielle from her sister-in-laws, goes over and talks to Danielle about what’s in the book. Danielle claims that it was all the boy she was dating at the time’s fault. He was involved in all that jazz. Danielle implores Jac to reveal who it was that gave her all this information, even though she knows it was Dina. If she knows it was Dina, I think she should just confront her. And I’m not sure what she expects from a group of Italian women. They’re thick as thieves, to quote Caroline. And they do not let off on their grudges easily. Plus, Dina warned the other women that she’d go Brooklyn on Danielle and kick her ass.
The day has finally arrived, where the Soprano’s aka Teresa, Joe, and the kidlets get to move into the dream house. All of the plush, leather, beige sofas and useless other things. The little girls all have their own palatial rooms and Gia even gets her own bathroom complete with Jacuzzi. When I was a child, a new My Little Pony and a Kids’ Cuisine sufficed… but now, shit. How can moms anywhere compete with that? Gia needs her things right NOW so her mother tells her to go ask Alberto if he can help her carry up the suitcases. Little shi—sweetheart that Gia is explains that because the man’s name is Alberto he probably speaks Spanish and she doesn’t speak Spanish. Poor Alberto does in fact speak English and helps Gia bring up her cases of what appears to be only denim miniskirts.
Anyway, while all this is happening, Gia’s agent calls and asks if Gia wants to do Gossip Girl on Friday. Of course she does, DUHH!!! How the hell this little tyke knows about the drug-habit, man-eatin’, cut-throat gossip girl is beyond me. Actually, faghetaboutit. It makes perfect sense.
We are left with dinner between Tommy, Danielle’s bff omg 43ver who happens to be gay and fabulous. Well, Danielle breaks down to him about what’s been going on with the “meanies” and basically tells him the story of how it was all framed and she really had nothing to do with any of it. Prior to that she mentions that she and Tommy had been best friends for twenty-some years, yet he doesn’t know that about her? Hmm. Also, her tears are faker than her tits in my opinion and as she “cries” she listens to Tommy’s advice of just confronting the situation and that will be the end of it. Danielle agrees, but I’m sure this is going to end poorly. It’s a bunch of hot headed Italian women with ties probably deeply rooted in the mafia. What else could happen but a fiasco?
Bravo…uh…Bravo, you’ve got us hooked.
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