dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Friday, May 1, 2009

Tough Love/VH1/Sundays

by Oryomai

This week on Tough Love, Steve says the ladies are going to have surprise guests for their dinner party. If any of them had watched a reality TV show in their lives, they would know that this is the time they bring families/exes on. It's Taylor's mom! Jaclyn's ex-boyfriend! Jessa's best friend from home! Jodi's ex/BFF! Abiola's sister! Natasha's ex! Arian's mom! The shocks never stop.

Arian decides to bring her mother up to speed...well...the speed she thinks boot camp is going. Steve wants her mother and him to work together to help Arian with her giantic moronic slut issue. Arian's mom goes right on the defensive. Apparently this is the high school principle's office, and Arian is tattling. What the fuck? How old does she think we are? Apparently being a sexually transmitted disease-laden ho bag is something that can be defended by your slut-mother. I'm not entirely sure what the hell is going on with this family, but Arian tells her mother about how she gets naked with strange men in the bathtub and her mother laughs. The majority of what Arian says in this exchange is beeped. Even Taylor is disgusted by what Arian is doing. Arian thinks that she won because her mother had the balls to stand up to Steve. Jaclyn's ex drove her to the airport to go to this show. Why the fuck is she even talking to him? Jaclyn went to the bathroom to go pray.

The ladies all have second guests -- dates. Steve says the ulitmate challenge is dealing with someone from your past and present at the same time. Jaclyn is totally freaking out. She's trying to make both of the guys happy. Jodi starts talking to the boys about what she thinks Jaclyn should do about them. She starts crying over it. Because she's a fucking trust fund ho. The guys went up to Jodi because Jaclyn has no idea how to lead her own life -- she doesn't work and her parents take care of her. Taylor seems to have taken for Valentino. Natasha is also dealing with two men at the same time, and bitch crawled headfirst into a bottle. Now, I probably don't have any room to talk about this, but goddamn girl...slow down!

Steve has a meeting with Arian's mother and his mother. Steve's mother says she'd kick his ass if he talked to her like Arian talked to her mother. Steve shows Arian's mother the videos of what Arian does. For some completely unexplicable reason, her mother laughs a bit at this show of slut. Steve tells Arian's mother that there is only so much that they can do...and without her help there's nothing left for her.

Group meeting time! The ladies revealed a lot about their characters this week. Jaclyn is this week's winner! She did her best to keep it together and kept the situation under control. Jaclyn's ex says he sees a future with her but not now. Arian starts freaking out because she knows she's in the goddamn hot seat. Half of the girls are concerned, half are totally not amused. Taylor calls her Quasimodo ringin-the-bell fuckin' nuts...I'm proud of her for knowing that one! Steve tells Arian he hadn't planned on having a hot seat that night. We all thought that Arian was going to change. She tries to defend herself by saying that she has learned things. Steve tells her to get the fuck out. When Taylor calls you a lost cause, you have serious issues. Arian tries to start a mutiny at boot camp -- she wants Abiola, Jessa, and Natasha to come with her. For some odd reason, Jessa freaks the hell out about him telling Arian to leave. She just hates Steve and wants to yell. Whatever, Arian leaves and Jessa calms down.

Next up: the series finale!
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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