dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Monday, May 4, 2009

Joe Mama's/ Pittsburgh/ Italian

by Lauren Rara

Joe Mama’s so …hit or miss anymore that I can’t even come up with a quick-witted quip for my opening line. After the first fateful day I visited this restaurant it quickly climbed its way to one of my favorites. I consider myself relatively picky about Italian cuisine, so when I find a place that’s decent I try to keep it in mind.

Anyway, the lady and I went there the Wednesday before my intensive day of two mind-blowing, bum-raping finals that came the next day. We were excited to eat our favorite (relatively) cheap Italian place. We ordered two plates of ravioli and asked for extra dressing on the house salad that comes with entrees. Some part of me should have thought something was off whenever my fountain coke tasted like nothing but seltzer water and the lady’s beer was flat as our waitress’s personality.

The salad came and the usually tasty, simple homemade Italian was more like an overly spiced paste that came out of some jar. Disappointing, seeing how that is usually the best way to start off the meal. At any rate, our mute waitress brought our dishes out super quick and the sauce surrounding my Rav’s was swimming with water which must have somehow affected the texture of the other raviolis. They were falling apart like goopy mush instead of cheese filled pasta pillows.

For thirty bucks, I’m not sure that this was worth it! And this is the first time I would say that. Next time, I’ll be sure to stick to my artery-clogging stick-to-your-ribs “Hug Yo Belly Gemeli” and the breaded mozzarella triangles—mmm…

I’m sad to even write this review because it feels like I’m being disowned by my own mama, but I guess it’s only Joe's Mama so … better luck next time? Better service next time? Better food next time?
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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