Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Alas, the surprising opening showcases Jacqueline's daughter Ashley who "has made some poor choices in school" (Coke...) and fallen behind. And again, the hint of all hints that Jac was probably a stripper unveils when she tells Ashley that she feels guilty that she gets to spend more time with CJ. Strippin' does take up a lot of time or, as she puts it “various jobs.” Caroline and Arianna... I mean, sorry...Danielle pipe up with conflicting views. Caroline thinks Jac needs to lay down the law while Danielle feels that Jac is a poster child for motherhood.

HMMMMM...

SURPRISE, SURPRISE. Teresa goes shopping...with her DAUGHTERS, no less. I know, shocking. At least a few times a week. My stomach began to turn at the sight of the little diva-ettes ransacking through racks of clothes and even the littlest one begging for a dress in her size. OYE VEY. And my respect continued to diminish as Teresa revealed her enjoyment of all 5 of her family members to match (including Mr. Juicy & Delicious himself). That makes me a sad panda. At least they're shopping for CJ's b-day soiree and not just for the hell of it. I guess. Quickly, the shopping trip turns into catastrophe, complete with the littlest daughter saying "I WILL PULL MY HAIR OUT" if she doesn't get what she wants. Two years old. Great values to instill in your children.

Anyway, Gia gets a call from her agent and is set up for an audition with The Rock. I worry about his career. It seems that mostly he's been working with young children as co-stars. Or maybe that's Vin Diesel. I have an idea. Why don't they pair up! Rock and Vin go to Hollywood. I can see it now, the two of them in the car, singing aloud "Girls just wanna have fu-unnn!"

Ahem.

Danielle and Jacqueline have lunch. Once again we learn of Danielle's newness to the group and the closeness the two women share despite it. And again we hear about the Dina-Jacqueline-Danielle fighting mess. Jac's in the middle and unhappy, which is totally understandable and still why Jac's my favorite housewife. Danielle's skeptical of the renewed relationship of she and Dina, but she does want to try to make amends. Can you smell the drama now? Good.

Another glimpse at Teresa's Sim home. RIDICULOUS.

I wish I was invited to CJ's birthday party. It's hands-down cooler than any party I've ever had. It's carnival-themed and is nicer than probably any local fair I've attended. Ashley, Jac's daughter, is allegedly having people over and it's a little blip o' drama. And Dani and Jac tag team Ashley and try to get her to renege on the people she's invited.

Party looks like tons of fun and thennnnn... we get the dramatic reveal of Dina driving up in her convertible. Danielle thinks now is a good time to smooth things over... hmmm. Dina takes this to mean that Danielle wants to "skin her and wear her like last year's Versace." OF COURSE! Why didn't I see the motives? It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the house again!

Caroline and Lauren are cooking up a feast for the "masses" that usually frequent the house. We get a glimpse at Christopher's charming wit and Lauren's aspirations for beauty school. I don't put that kind of shit down. I cannot even straighten my hair without burning myself. So I respect people with that knack.

Teresa goes to an acting coach to help Gia with her audition. Dude, Gia was in "Doubt" but she can't nail a line like "my tooth is gone." Well, okay, I can see now why Gia was just background.
Caroline's and her hubby sit down with Lauren and tell her she needs some goals because she kind of doesn't have any and just works with her dad. Typical italian family. They want you to work on their terms!

Danielle calls her ex-hubby to receive her settlement and in reality he seems like a real gem. Which could explain a helluvalotta the whole behavior of this girl. I almost feel bad for her.
Jacqueline visits her doctor because she is having trouble getting pregnant. She brings Ashley along and once again makes note of the spoiling situation, but Ash gives mama some good advice and tells her to be lucky she has any children at all. It really tugged on my heart when Jac started to cry about her miscarriages. I am not even going to be a smartass now 'cause that's just sad. The doc just says it could be bad luck. What a wonderfully professional opinion.
Well here's me picking my jaw up off the floor. Dina actually is not all self. She has "Project Ladybug" which helps out kids with cancer. WOW. I really did not see that one coming. But she is planning a fundraiser Girl's Night Out for the foundation. Awesome. Dina's taking in a new assistant. I cannot tell if this one will pan out with dramatics (mostly because I think this boy’s sexuality is questionable). But I'm sure it will.

Danielle and her girls jog every day. That's cool. We learn of the financial struggling and Danielle's cry for "help." Aka a sugardaddy. Then we meet her new beau. Steve is Danielle's 26 year old date. (Danielle is 45) But anyway. Cougars are always a win in my book. And Steve actually looks a little older than Danielle. Cue Rogaine, senor.

Dina is setting up the fundraiser and Caroline is piping up in her interview cut saying that Dina goes nuts when she’s in stress. Weird. I thought Dina was so levelheaded and calm. I could never see her being a bitch…ever.

We catch a naughty glimpse of Danielle’s bold side as she and Steve munch on dinner and decide whether or not to head into the bathroom. Seriously. This girl is Ariana from Vh1’s Tough Love. Gross, over-botox’d, and sadly so so insecure.

Dina’s fundraiser is a bunch of stations that are selling stuff: “from scrap booking to Botox.” Ashley, problem child, is obviously acting up again. The fundraiser is a family affair and Jacqueline is roped into selling tickets which makes her feel insignificant and bitched out. And now the truth comes out—Jac and Dina have drifted and so Jac drags Teresa into the bathroom to bitch. GOD. This show should be called “The Real High Schoolers of Noi Joisee.” But at any rate, the fundraiser was a great success. (Mainly because the afro wigs came out at the end).
More drama to come, dealing once again with everyone’s distrust of Danielle. And Lauren’s “skeeving” of waxing people’s bodyhair.