The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

2 WEEKS AGO!

Another fabulous week with my new hero. We are now down to the super six. What can the cougar and her handler (aka Vivica A Fox) have in store for us this week? Vivica tells us that two boys will be going home this week.

First challenge! A variation on the kiss-off. Stacey is going to wear a blindfold, and the boys have to kiss her. How in the hell did she get this gig, and where the fuck do I sign up?! We all know that my least favorite part of the show is the kiss-off, so I am less than excited to watch it twice in one episode (I'm so goddamn jealous!). She picks kissers three (Jimmy) and five (Jon). My baby Travis is less than pleased (side note: Stacey...if you don't want him, send him my way!).
Today's first date is a winery; boys and booze sounds like the most perfect afternoon...although I'd prefer Drambuie to wine. While Jimmy has a house outside Napa Valley, Jon looks like he'd prefer a nice jug of Carlo Rossi or a box of Franzia. Stacey makes the boys compete in barrel rolling race to see who gets the first alone time with her. Isn't it nice to know that the relationship games never end? Oh! The personal trainer lost the race..how unfortunate.

Stacey decides not to have the second challenge (oh no! I'm going to wonder what it was) and to go out with Adam and Travis. She takes the boys out to dinner and asks them serious, personal questions. Oh no! Travis wants kids of his own! She's 40, you fuckhead. She asks Adam how many sexual partners he's had, and he refuses to answer. (9). Stacey takes Travis off for some alone time. She needs to boot Adam the fuck off – he's the douchebag twin, and it doesn't matter that he's a twin if there's only one!

Stacey isn't sure that any of the guys are serious, so she gives them a lecture about it. As much as I want to be a cougar some day, I think that Stacey is actually a totally immature bitch. She seems to be too easily damaged by these twenty-somethings. I thought the point of being a cougar was to be in motherfucking control! To sort things out, Stacey takes the boys to the beach. Adam rats out Jon as picking on Travis, the youngest guy in the house. Jon tries to say that Travis came after him. Right.

ELIMINATION TIME! Stacey is really surprised that it's getting more difficult. What the hell can be difficult about picking a nice piece of ass out of a bevy of boys? Oooooh! She eliminated Jon first! YES!!! Travis stays another week! What I'd do that boy... oh...wait...what cougar? Jimmy takes the kiss-off to a whole new level...damn. What the motherfuck? She sends away a perfectly good boy to keep the asshole twin. I hope that she picks that bipolar motherfuck at the end and ends up a miserable shell of a Botoxed whore.

Next week? We meet the boys families. This is always where it gets interesting...

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LAST WEEKS!

By Oryomai

A perennial favorite on reality whoring...dating shows. Stacey gets to meet the family! She lets the boys pick which part of the family she gets to meet (which is better than when Bret Michaels calls your ex-boyfriend that you still live with, so kudos to the cougar).

Travis' mother is the sort of mega-bitch that you might see on Toddlers and Tiaras – there's something super stage mom about her. She starts attacking Stacey right off the bat and seems surprised with the situation. What the fuck? Did you not know that your 21 year old son who's still in school was traveling to go on a dating show to win the love of a woman old enough to be his mother?! Apparently this Real Housewives of Bumfuck Nowhere reject is a bit overbearing about her son.

Jimmy's family is basically the Sopranos. Like...I think the dad put a hit out on her while she was sitting at the table. The mother really likes our cougar (although I think she's a little jealous); the dad is a bit more suspicious. This family is definitely a step-up from the Stepfords in Travis' family. Jimmy gets the honor of going up to the cougar den!!!

Colt's family is up next. Stacey meets his brothers. This seems like a situation that she is more comfortable with – boys in their mid-twenties. During this dinner, Stacey lets on that she's more attracted to Colt than I had thought. After the date, the two breeze in and Colt heads up to the cougar den.

Time for Stacey to meet Adam's family – surprise! She's already knows him...the exiled twin who was kicked off the first night. Adam brought his brother because he didn't think that his parents would be accepting of her. The brother totally turns on Adam – going on the show was his idea. I think that the brother is definitely still attracted to Stacey...which makes for fun TV but awkward life.

Time for the kiss-off! I think Travis might be going home because his mother is a cocksucker. The kiss-off is a bit stressful at this point – there's four boys left, and I'm attached now! Jimmy and Colt both make it through (please, like she'd eliminate the first one at this point! Bitch got thirteen minutes to fill up!). It comes down to Travis and Adam. I reiterate: if she doesn't want Travis, send his fine ass my way. OH! And Travis gets the kiss! She decides that she's going to have a few words with Adam before he goes on his way.

Only three boys left, and who knows who the cougar will pick? Following the VH1 formula to the T, the final three and Stacey are heading to Vegas!!!!