New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

What kind of magical fun could the viewers in America have planned for our girl New York this week? There are always such fabulous choices, and New York is such a sane lady whose good at working with all types of people. Oh...lovely. Ghost hunter.

New York is not even aboard the Queen Mary when she starts to freak out. New York don't like ghosts – c'mon America! She has to do four tasks with the ghost hunters in order to get the title of ghost hunter and get her ten g's (she's probably still reeling from failing the last one). Bitch makes more money in a day than I do in a year – take some motherfucking time off.

First, she has to make contact with the spirits. She holds the rods and talks to a little girl that drowned in the first class pool (what? Aren't there any fucking ghosts in steerage? Gotta make this tranny talk to the rich kid?). She passes the first test. Next, she has to record voices. Have these people never heard of New York before? I know she's been introducing herself as “Tiffany,” but y'all shouldn't be that goddamn brain dead. She's the loudest goddamn woman on the planet. She shrieks. Like she always does. Then she drops and breaks their equipment. Way to go, bitch.

She ends up further down the boat where she says someone was touching her arm! The ghost who got burned to death is pissed as all hell at her. Although she says “arm” the way Pittsburghers say “Iron” so I was a bit confused about what the fuck the ghost was touching. She makes contact with that ghost. New York actually did something! Immediately following, she goddamn refuses to take part in a séance! First, she tries to say she can't because she's a Christian (right...because Jesus loves people who fuck fifty year old former rap stars so they can be famous). Then, when she thinks something touches her, she starts shrieking like a child alone in a room with a priest and runs the fuck off.

Will New York get paid? No. No, she will not. While all the ghost hunters enjoyed working with her, they said that she totally failed at the tasks she was given. What will New York be next week, America? Are we finally going to let her work with other black people? Probably not. We will, however, watch her run around shrieking for our own amusement.