dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

by Oryomai

Hello cougar-lovers! Previously, we eliminated five of the guys. Now it's time to get into the details of the reality show that we all know and love (dates, moving into the house, cliques, shirtless hotties). I have absolutely no clue what the hell Vivica A. Fox is doing on this show.

First challenge: the boys get five minutes to act as Stacy's "personal trainer." I'm not sure why we're working out, but I know that there are 15 shirtless hotties. I'm not entirely sure that our cougar even gives a damn about the emotional connection with the boys. Travis (my favorite from the last episode) isn't really that good at it. One guy admits that he's a "cougar virgin." What the fuck are these people talking about? The five winners are Travis (yes!!!!), Adam, Colt, Brian, and Tom. Stacey likes herself some beta.

The first date of the season is a roller skating rink. OMG! Stacey has to send one of the boys home right from the date. I cannot think of a better place than the skating rink to try to have serious discussions about what people want in life. Travis cuts into another guy's time to give the cougar a teddy bear he won in the claw machine. He is *good*. (Full disclosure: anyone I like on a show usually gets booted right quick.) OMG!!!! Mini-kiss off at the skating rink! Tom is eliminated -- most likely due his cougar virginity.

What could the next twist be? STACEY'S BIRTHDAY!! The big four-oh. Two of the cougar's best friends show up to help her decide about the boys. The next challenge is for the boys to find her a gift. The prize? The very first one-on-one date! I don't know if there is anything more tragic than heterosexual males in their twenties shopping for a gift. No pressure on the gifts or anything, but she hates it you can probably just get the fuck out. One of the guys goes a little too sexual with the card -- she's shocked! Everyone knows that you go on a reality show to find true love not just gratuitous groping with implied sex! The winner of the solo date is Jon.

On their date, Jon asks her about her personal life. He becomes the first person to ask her if she has any kids. Jon seems shocked that she has four kids (she's got the Kathy Griffin bangin' bikini bod). Stacy's friends seem to really like the boys in the house. Tensions are (finally!) starting to rise among the men. I'm looking forward to a really fierce drunken frat boy fight. I've seen far too many pathetic cat fights (Megan kicking Brandi M in the stomach?) The surprise party fades into the second (major) kiss-off.

Stacey is sending two of our boys home. The cougar seems to be seriously upset by eliminations now -- imagine what fucking hot mess this bitch is gonna be come the end! I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if one person in that house has herpes. Stacey's kisses everyone...

YES!! TRAVIS IS SAFE THIS WEEK!!! The first guy to go is JD. Stacey is not into poetry or shy boys apparently. Jim is the other boy to go -- she doesn't think that she has a connection with him. He seems like a total dick though (reminds me of my ex actually.)

And so we end another thrilling episode of the Cougar. Who will she choose? When is everyone going to find out that she has four kids (one of whom is older than some of the boys)? Who's going to be first guy to get drunk and whip it out? I, for one, cannot wait to find out!
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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