dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Cougar/ Premiere Episode/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

The Cougar…a show after my own heart (full disclosure: I plan on becoming a cougar at the point when it wouldn't make me a child molester). Nothing says fierce quite like a hot piece of young male arm candy. I wasn't aware that cougarism was a "cultural phenomenon," but I am thrilled to help Vivica Fox beat down the double standard.

Our cougar seems to be ripped from Desperate Housewives or possibly one of the older rejects from Rock of Love. The amount of botox on her face might be enough to poison all 20 boys there. The boys she's bringing to the mansion are a welcome batch of eye candy in the world of STD laden ladies of VH1 (Hotlanta, I don't believe that was a pimple. That was herpes.) Isn't it amazing that these mansions appear out of the woodwork for reality shows? Do the owners spray them down to attempt to rid them of Chlamydia after?

The downside to this show could be how incredibly fucking stupid boys in their 20s are (one guy tells her she "has the right to remain delicious.") If those are their best lines, this is gonna be a long show. We start the show off by having the men line up to try and wow this cougar with their best first impressions. The first boy pops a bottle of champers and says he's sharing one of his first legal drinks with our cougar.

Oh!!!! THERE ARE TWINS!!!! Fuck yes.

The huddle of hunks is like driving through Oakland in the morning during the warm weather -- sexy boys every which way you turn. Champers boy (Travis) wins the first impressions challenge. And it took all of 26 minutes for a boy to strip and dive in the pool. Yes please. We spend the rest of the episode watching the cougar meet the boys. You can watch it on mute.

Don't worry -- we have all the male stereotypes. There's the twins. The unemployed but loveable beta male. The ex-Marine. The bartender. The shy guy. You want it in a 20-something male, this show has got it. Now, I know what you're thinking, what cheesy gimmick if the cougar going to use to show the men they get to stay in the house? Keys, champers, clocks, backstage passes? She becomes the classiest of all: the kiss off. If you get the lips you stay, the cheek you go. Who will she eliminate -- the twin? The military veteran? I think it's against the Patriot Act to kick him off right away The unemployed but lovable beta male? As we all know, the first people off a show are completely forgetable and we don't know who they are on reunion shows.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! She eliminated one of the twins!!! DOES SHE NOT KNOW THAT IT IS EVERYONE'S FANTASY TO HAVE TWINS?!?!?! Apparently, the cougars have not kept up with how awesome the beta males are, and our beta-est beta is sent home as well.

Overall, this show attempts to be a classy version of all the reality dating shows we know and love. Travis (champers boy) is my early favortite. He's got a little beta in him, and I like that. This first episode was basically meet the eye candy. The “serious” competition is forthcoming.

- Oryomai
Posted by at
Labels: , , , ,

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
 

Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

CLOSE [X]