dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Tough Love/ Vh1/ Sunday Nights

by Oryomai

We are now up to lesson six in our Tough Love boot camp. So far we have learned that sexy doesn't have to mean slutty, don't be a gold digger (or if you are, don't let people know about it,) and that it's totally worth making a total ass of yourself on national TV for the love of a man. This lesson is about secrets and how you reveal them and how that is just as important as what you're revealing.

Oh...the thrill of public humiliation!

Steve takes the ladies to a game show called "Cute or Crazy" in which the demographic of MANswers gets to decide about the ladies' qualities. Everyone has a good time except Abiola. This is because she's a total fucking psycho. Highlights include the fact that she uses her cat to decide on potential boyfriends and that she married herself (and wears a ring). I would rather watch Arian throw herself face first into the crotch of the next man to walk in the room than listen to Abiola talk about how she's a princess.

The challenge today is to reveal secrets to the people the ladies have been seeing. Steve decides to bring out all the girls secrets in group time because our sadistic matchmaker did not have enough fun humiliating them in front of a group of strange men. Most of them are pretty tame: loser guys, family members in prison, short term dating...blah, blah, blah. We finally hit scandal with two of them: Abiola and Jaclyn. Abiola was married before?! How in the hell did that happen? (Side note: does marrying whatever guy and then marrying herself, count as being married twice?) Is this divorce the thing that drove her to cats and tiaras? The worst, however, is Jaclyn. Turns out, she is completely supported by her parents (trust fund slut...bet she wears Juicy Couture sweatsuits with Ugg boots in July). She thinks that this is totally okay because her grandfather thinks that girls shouldn't work. Wait...it's that easy to justify? Why haven't I just gotten married and sucked enough dick to get myself a pair of True Religions?! Fuck this real world thing -- I'm going into legalized prostitution.

Now, we get to watch the ladies go on dates to reveal their secrets. Remember: they have to tell something tragic/dark/embarassing but put a positive spin on it. How hard can that possibly be? Most of the ladies do pretty well. Jessa's date is our matchmaker. He can't figure her out, so he decides to surprise her with a lie detector test. Wait a goddamn minute! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?! He is *not* our VH1 lie detector guy! I don't even know if I'll believe his results. He claims that Jessa is telling the truth...she just doesn't like Steve. So..apparently...Jessa doesn't reveal anything?

Ah, the group review. As if we all just didn't watch it. Taylor wins this week. She managed to cover her tits long enough to make a connection with someone. Go team! Jodi meets her guy's son (get 'em into reality shows while they're young!) Who's in this hot seat this week? ABIOLA! It's not from her date and how she revealed her secret, but the fact that she was a total moron on "Cute or Crazy." Steve lets us know that she (and many other women) suffer from a common problem: overthinking. Ooooh...I have so much more to learn from you Steve!
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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