dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Chuck's Honey BBQ/ Special Register Display/ $4.50

Many Midwesterners, especially those who have an insatiable urge for porcine dishes, enjoy barbecue sauce as a part of their usual diet. In fact, since Louis Maull started peddling his crimson cream out of a horse-drawn cart in St. Louis over a hundred years ago, Americans from coast to coast have experienced an altered palette, and different varieties of the sauce have become popular throughout our country. Until a few weeks ago, my personal favorite was Roberts County Pork Producers BBQ sauce, made famous at country rendezvous such as the Rosholt Area Threshing Bee and the Fort Sisseton Historical Festival. Well, times have changed and my tangy allegiances have shifted. Chuck's Honey BBQ Sauce now wears the crown as my number one.

Chuck Braun - who, I admit, is my second cousin - recently introduced a barbecue sauce to the northeast South Dakota market. I discovered it in the place of my own origin, Rosholt, S.D., which also happens to be Chuck's town of residence. Luckily it was Easter evening when I arrived back at my house at school with my new bottle; I had plenty of leftover ham, which became guinea pig meat. I quickly chose cheddar cheese and bread to be my companions on my local sauce, barbecue ham adventure. A few lighter options to avoid complicating any first impressions.

Some of the biggest names in sauce, such as Dorothy Lynch - my go-to - started small, like Chuck's current operation. (I used to be a Western French dressing fanatic, but some listed ingredients have put me off a bit.) According to the company website, Ms. Lynch and her husband lived in St. Paul, Nebraska, and in the late '40s they began mixing up what eventually grew to be the Dorothy Lynch Home Style Dressing enterprise. Thinking about it, the Braun family, which I am a part of through my mother, shares these Nebraskan roots. Maybe something in the soil down there has resulted in its residents' ability to craft a phenomenal liquid meal additive. Maybe not, but Chuck's is one heck of a sauce.

It hit my tongue easy and presented no huge initial surprises. But it was like a warm peanut butter bun or fresh toasted bagels topped with whipped berry sour cream - I wanted more and more. It didn't have the overly strong bang of a common Thai sauce, nor did it have the boring one-liner approach of a typically watery steak sauce. Chuck's was just right: Peppery, but not weak. Ketchupy, but not too tomatoey.

I am listening to the deep tracks station on satellite radio as I write this, and when I started, Eric Clapton's "Slunky" came punching through my TV speakers. The song's flavor shares many of the subdued yet strong qualities of Chuck's Honey BBQ Sauce. I had never heard this selection from Slowhand, but my exposure to it paralleled my primary time with Chuck's.

My only complaint? No background on the back of the container. A transformed, red racecar truck monster grill watches over Chuck's lawn in the summertime. He has one of the most impressive outdoor cookers a person could ever see; contextual facts so bad-ass should get some mention, if not a visual reservation on the packaging.

Since my pioneering test run with the sauce, I have added Chuck's to a buffalo burger, hamburger helper, and some minute steaks. It has yet to disappoint. Nice work, and keep it up Chuck. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) I intend to keep a stock around in my own cupboards, and I think all you out there in readerland should give it a try sometime, although you might have to travel to a town of 400 in South Dakota to buy a bottle.

- Mitch LeClair

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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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