Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesday

by Oryomai

Omg, another week with Paris! What can she possibly do after the world's biggest cupcake?! Thank god she eliminated the fat girl last week – someone might have made her eat something.

This week starts off with a video of Paris on the oven. She tells the BFFs that they're hosting a dinner for her friends and family. If she has friends, why the fuck does she need this show? Paris sends them to a nice restaurant to learn manners from a French chef. The nicest place some of these girls have been is probably the Olive Garden on the bad side of town. And not a goddamn one of them can understand the French accent. I expected it from the girls, but I'm disappointed in the gay. The French chef trots out the favorite torture food of the rich – escargot.

Obligatory Onch moment! Gaysian in sparkly pink raincoat and a tiara. Bitch, who needs to win when you're on the whole second season?

The BFFs have to cook for Paris. They decide to cook duck. They bought a frozen duck. I'm no master of the kitchen, but I think I would've checked to see if I had to gut anything before I bought it. Paris shows up with two hotties partway through the cooking. They're moving into the house today, and they're new competitors! What the fuck Paris?! Everyone starts to freak out because there are (apparently) straight boys in the house. My vote's on the gay getting both of them.

Paris – we need to have a little offsides discussion. Why are we inviting straight boys? You have ladies and a gay. We all know straight boys – if they're not putting it in you, they're a waste of space.

Back to the show: The straight boy is roller blading around in a Speedo. Thankyouverymuch.

Dinner party time! One of the appetizers is french fries. What the fuck. They make duck with a mandarin orange glaze. It does not go over well...to quote Paris “disgusting.” The ladies are not impressed with the new straight boys. I don't even want to listen to them speak. I listen to Paris Hilton tell people they need to be less superficial.

Paris decides to ask the BFFs questions about their lives. She has looked in their files, so she wants to see if they lie. We get through the first few BFFs without anyone lying. Go team. Caitlin is the first one to lie – she's been with a friend's boyfriend. Stephanie just bursts into tears because she's a lame, miserable whore. Paris decides not to put someone up for discussion after the dinner.

Elimination time, bitches!!! Oh no! Caitlin, Chris, and David are all up for discussion! Those straight boys just got there, lady. Paris...this show has so little eye candy. Please don't send it all away! Time to confront Caitlin for being a slutbag road whore. She admitted it during casting but decided to lie to Paris. She should be eliminated for being a fucking moron. Paris decides to let Tinkerbell pick who's going home. Paris is an even bigger fucking moron.

Chris goes home because the dog doesn't like him. That's a big fuck you, Paris. Thanks for teasing me with eye candy and then taking it away. I was enjoying a half naked straight man roller blading.

The teaser for next week? Paris sends the BFFs to jail so they can see what it was like for her. It's so hard being her!

NYC Prep/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

So basically, even as the show just rolled through its opening credits, I realized that this is pretty much the real life account of those tweeny Gossip Girl books.

Just to preface, all of these kids look like hairy monkies that swallowed lemons and were given the opportunity to dress like people for their television debut. Their personalities only make it worse.

The first two Preparatory School Seniors we meet are Jesse, the blonde girl. And PC the douche. The two meet up because they're nervous about college and apparently the big prestige of Prep school is getting into some great schools. PC thinks since they're wealthy a few strings can get tugged here and there. Jesse wants to just get it to get it, she doesn't want mommy 'n daddy to do it for her. But, I'm sure that's not true, and I'm sure she's just saying it while there's a camera in her face.

So PC sits in a large armchair in a really tight suit and something about his face just beckons me to want to punch it silly. He says that he was born in raised in the upper east side and you would never guess by his general pinched face and ugly attitude.

While Jesse, the girl, (not to be confused with Jesse's girl) talks fashion, I notice that her eyes are far too close together and she looks a bit like a flounder (both eyes on one side of its head). Anyway, Jesse is such a fashionista that she even has her own personal Barney's shopper.

Back to the date (Where PC is drinking a beer and I'm not sure how) the duo talk about the charity work they'll have to do to look good for schools. Jesse wants to get involved more with Operation Smile which helps middle Eastern kids with cleft palates. Kite Runner, much? Anyway, PC thinks this is a waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Like, what if we run out of Yves St. Laurent hair gel? Or maybe his pants will properly fit him instead of bulging his baby package for all to see?

Kelli is 16 and lives on the upper east side. She wants to sing. She's decent, I guess. Sounds like something on the N's Degrassi. Like any normal 16 year old, she and her brother (18) live together in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. Family comes in once a week to check in, but other than that they live in the Hamptons. Kelli's tiny face boasts that she doesn't do work, she doesn't do school work and all she and her brother do are go out with friends and party hardy all the time. She says she's glad to be independent, but I feel bad for her because independent doesn't mean living off of mommy and daddy and proverbially sneaking out the window.

While Kelli's out to dinner with her friend Megan, Sebastian shows up. He's also 16 and swallowed similar PC lemons. He likes to chase women, and I haven't been sixteen in 5 years (or straight) but..wtf?! He looks like a surfer cum Monkee cum Tool Academy Drop out cum Pan from Narnia. I guess, to young men everywhere, STIs are STIs and he shall wear them like a badge of honor. FOR NARNIA!

Camille looks like she'd be a Camille. She's rather annoying and loud like a boisterous, starving artist theatre major type. In her bubbly, articulate, annoying tone she explains that she will attend Harvard, get a high powered exec. Job, get a husband and have 2 girls. I'm reminded of a movie I saw once … Village of the Damned. Where all the children had these dark, scary expressions and tried to control your mind. I think that's what Camille is. Currently, she's fretting about SAT scores and finds out via blackberry that she did pretty well, but she could achieve a perfect score. All she's worrying about now is getting some community service hours and just needs some breathing room!

Taylor goes to the public school but has a lot of prep school friends. Even though she doesn't go to the same school, she is obsessed with having the status and all that. To serve this point further, in a scene where she is sitting on the couch at home with her mom she just outright “TELLS” her mom she's having a party…not asks, TELLS. She's so snarky and annoying that I'm not sure why mama spared the rod. Clearly she spoiled the child though. Yes, I went there.

Sebastian and Kelli head downtown to do some shopping since they both love fashion. Sebastian knows he could get her as his gee-eff, but he doesn't want to because he feels like he needs to be free as a bird in his ripe old age. Anyway, Camille calls Kelli about Taylor's party and Sebastian agrees to come with.

Taylor's happy to host instead of party hop. Since houseparties in NYC are just about unheard of, Tay has it at a Japanese restaurant. The guest list consists of both public and private school kids. Kelli and Camille feel out of place and throw each other pouty looks of disapproval because the kids are talking poorly about private school kids. Well, Sebastian shows up and starts flirting with the hostess, sending Camille and Kelli packing because K can't stand the sight of her hairy boi flirting it up with another brunette. Oh no she didn'! It looks like Kelli might even be crying!

Jesse meets up for dinner with her old pal Zoe who talk about fashion because they love fashion because fashion RULEZ. Anyway, they also talk about Jesse and PC and we learn that the two used to date long ago (when they were 14) but it didn't work out so now they're just best friends. Sniff, sniff…what's that smell? DRAMA?! You said it.

PC and Jesse go together to the art and fashion event. Jesse is looking for opportunities with Project Smile and PC just seems to be standing there with his usual sullied expression.

PC sees Kelli and Camille and thinks Kelli is cute and thus gets her number. Jesse hates this and just looks on with a look of sheer disgust and the two younger Juniors just avert her gaze. Jesse has a bitchy reputation. But I think she's actually a bitch so... no biggie. Why the hell Jesse is upset with PC's talking to the other two… thinks that they already have enough friends and don't need more. There's that WE card again. I'm pretty sure you and PC are separate entities, Jess. Otherwise, YEESH. They couldn't put the two of you as one person on the air.

PC is going to have dinner with Kelli. Jesse thinks it's stupid, but PC doesn't really care what she thinks. Ah, the tempo of the show. PC and Jesse have an upscale “Brit and K-Fed” vibe to them. Pretty soon she's going to be commando, driving her Bentley with her teacup poodle not properly strapped into his doggy seat.

Sebastian's passion is hooking up with other girls, because apparently this is a big part of prep school. Gabe is his wing man and also another giraffe-like rich boy with money making up for the beating of the ugly fairy. So the two of them are running game and hair flipping their way to true love. They're on a double date and Sebastian's smooth French talk seems to woo his date, Remy. She thinks he's really hot and that it's SO COOL that he's telling her he wants to marry her in French and all that. I would be thoroughly freaked out if I sat down for Pommes Frites and got Sebastian spewing French at me. Maybe she'll convince him to pluck his brows and manscape a little.

PC sets up dinner with Kelli and is pissed that Camille is there. Kelli basically says to get over it and Camille is there with an angle. She wants to get into some charity work and since Jesse is really into Operation Smile she wants her good graces. Heavens. PC asks the girls what they're doing this weekend and Kelli says that she's grounded. He asks them if they're twelve and Camille offhandedly comments that PC's comment was abrasive. Of course that sets the little twerp off and he thinks they're bitches that act like they know it all.

PC and Jesse go out for drinks. Once again, this is Gossip Girl. I vaguely remember Blair and Serena having cosmos at the Waldorf Astoria. But, at any rate. Jesse says she wants to set PC up, but he wants no girls that are just like him. Chuck Bass anyone? GAYGAYGAY. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, Jesse reminds him that it's not all about him and PC retorts by throwing a water bottle at her. Freaking out, the blonde fishy leaves and PC calls her a massive cunt. Somehow I see him in 5-6 years in the news for slicing strippers' throats in D.C. or cutting people's faces off to wear.

PC then apologizes to Jesse via Blackburry and the two of them make up. He says he loves her. Maybe he'll get an HJ now.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/Bravo/Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Holy botox, batman!

Girls, girls! Listen. Ya need, bubbies. Bubbies, indeed. Like Teresa. Because as the debut wife of another dramtacular season of “Real Housewives” this Jersey girl obviously has her priorities straight. No “big” hair (just medium sized) or fake nails for her. But a tag team of little diva-ettes that look like Bratz dolls in person. But I suppose marrying someone like “delicious and juicy” Joe might do that for you. I sometimes thank the celestial bodies for my sexuality—and now is definitely one of those times. No offense, seriously. But anyway. Joe is an “entrepreneur” (cough—mobster—cough) and runs a construction business.

I think, as Caroline put it—Teresa doesn’t realize JUST how hilarious she actually is. In the scene at the furniture store, I’m not sure Teresa understood what she was buying. Who needs four kitchen tables? And two plushy sofas of the same type? This isn’t The Sims, missy. You can’t just rosebud your way to happiness. And she paid cash! Jesus. I’d like to be in her husband’s business. Definitely Italian. I don’t hear anyone use the word “skeeve” except my grandmother. Bethany? Is that you? No? Wrong city…

Dina… Lohan? Is that you? Gold digger? Bitch? Ah! No, sorry…wrong Dina. Anyway, Miss Dina makes me want to quit school and trophy myself out if she can go from nothing to everything in one nuptial. Women suck. Seriously. Especially ones that are warped with their old man’s money. And then they breed little golddigettes. Ahhh.

Caroline—old school. Living for her kids and husband. Insert eye roll. Hey, at least her daughter works at the family business. Nice name too, Lauren. Not too shabby. And, the best part… Dina’s her sister. Crikey. Married to brothers!

Jacqueline might be my favorite so far, even though her kid called her “the mom from ‘Mean Girls’”. She is correct in saying Jersey is the armpit of the earth. And the women –are—status obsessed and stupid. And guess what? Jaqueline is the sister-in-law to Caroline’s brother. And a good girl. And a fixer-upper-kinda gal. I think she was a stripper in Vegas, but that’s just me. Anyone else agree? I mean, it’s fine. I’d make it rain on her.

Danielle is full of collagen (and shit) claiming her body is from care and working out (of course, not lipo or tummy tucks). These women are hilarious. Instilling some wonderful things into her children. But I respect her single-mom status. Enter: dramatic black sheep that may or may not fit in La famiglia.

SO. Into the real story of this thoughtful show. Christopher, Caroline’s son that isn’t going to college, wants to own a car wash/strip club which gives a whole new meaning to rode hard and put away wet—or something. Gonna make mommy proud. Well, actually, probably. Caroline wants him to run a respectful strip club. Maybe the women will wear tuxedo-print g-strings and have to have –all- their teeth.

Lexi is glad that Dina is not a fat, old mom. And together they play tennis with beautiful balls. Listen to your daughter, Dina…wear two bras next time. I’m wondering, really…how this stuff makes the cut. And I wonder even more about what the producers have to sit through that doesn’t get on this show.

Teresa’s girl, Nina…er…Gia…is in a little dancing competition, which of course prompts Teresa to explain she’s not a pageant/stage mom—even though she’s sitting in the audience doing the entire dance routine and saying how she’s been in touch with modeling agencies.

Danielle is supposed to meet up with a guy online named “Gucci Model” who she met online and has had phone sex with. Jacqueline tries to tell her that this guy will only be thinking about sex and Teresa backs her up and of course, Danielle says “that’s what intrigues me…” . I just had a dawning! This woman reminds me of Arian from Vh1’s “Tough Love” because I’m fairly certain that’s where Arian is headed. Steve should get his paws in these girls. He’d definitely have a field day. But not to fear, Jacqueline and Teresa follow Danielle because they think a meeting based on two years of phone sex is not really all that sound. I agree, ladies. It’s all about the sexting these days. And unfortunately, the dude doesn’t show up, even though he’s from one of those millionaire version of E-harmony.

In other housewives, Caroline’s son, Alby, has a graduation party because he got into Fordham. Awesome. The pre-party shows just how incapable of anything these kids are. Even tying their own shoes—literally. Surprising, I know. The relatable thing about this whole show is the Italian family idea. Dina says there’s always some kind of drama and there’s always someone who’s not talkin’ to the other. Definitely. The party is a typical huge, Italian get-together with food and booze and beautiful girls for the “Golden child” Alby. And of course, the warning that Caroline inspects all that come into her house and is tough on them… foreshadowing? I think so.

Dramaaa peaks again when Danielle shows up at the salon where Dina gets ready before each “Girl’s Night out” and there’s already preexisting beef with Dina and Danielle so the high school staredown ensues. Dina claims that Danielle’s been talking smack about her, and even Jacqueline backs that notion up. I’m not sure why Danielle is so insecure with her little iron-pumping life that she has to rip rip rip. Anyway, the episode ends with a hint o’ the drama that’s to come between Dina and Danielle and Jacqueline, ooh lala.

Basically, this Housewives will be just like the rest. And frankly, I can’t wait to follow it all the way through. It looks like Danielle’s going to be our hub of drama this season, but who didn’t see that one coming?

Toddlers & Tiaras/TLC/Tuesdays at 10pm

By Imogen V. Shahrazad

When I was a little girl, I read books about cats and horses and barely brushed my hair. In fact, when my mom insisted on combing out the snarls, I frequently cried. I wore gigantic, ill-fitting t-shirts until I was thirteen. So you can imagine how little I could relate to the pageant girls of TLC’s reality show Toddlers & Tiaras.

The show highlights one child pageant per episode in locales as varied as Pittsburgh, PA, to small town Georgia. The girls, ranging in age from barely walking to the brink of puberty, sashay awkwardly across the stage in glittering dresses so expensive their parents missed a mortgage payment, while eager beaver pageant moms (an unmistakable breed, similar to Chihuahuas) mime the girls’ choreography and pray their children’s parade float-sized hairdos don’t fall flat like bad soufflés.

Tacky? Yeah. But, as an unabashed feminist and generally concerned human being, I also find it fairly alarming.

It’s difficult to tell what is worse: the parents’ seemingly blind enthusiasm for kiddie pageants or the kids’ confusion regarding whether or not they actually like competing. At the Stars of Pennsylvania pageant (a glitz pageant, as opposed to a natural pageant, whatever that means), we meet, among others, Meadow, Angela, and Roni. Meadow, a seven-year-old future Stepford wife, has competed in over one hundred pageants. Angela is a sweet eight-year-old from a large family, and Roni is a highly entertaining and petulant two-year-old.

My first concern is financial: while Meadow’s family seems to have no trouble paying thousands of dollars for a dress she’ll grow out of in three months, Angela is only one of five kids in a military family and Roni’s mother requires her own mother’s help to pay for pageant accoutrement—in the form of moving back into her mom’s house because she can’t pay the rent. While there’s no shame in having financial difficulties, is it justifiable in the face of the possibility that these girls don’t even like pageants?

While Meadow is a lost cause (at this point, the poor thing is practically a My Size Barbie), Roni expresses her desire to go swimming rather than continue the pageant (and later falls asleep in her mother’s arms, as toddlers do). Perhaps the saddest moment is when Angela doesn’t win the big crown and tells the camera, in heartbreaking monotone, “I like natural pageants more than glitz pageants.”

Pro-pageant people argue that competition boosts the girls’ self-esteem and provides them a fun hobby, but seeing little girls in sequined dresses, spray tans, and hair pieces cry over losing the top title is, to put it simply, soul crushing. Girls don’t need to hear that their worth is wrapped up in their ability to blow kisses at judges or smile the prettiest; they get enough of that just watching television and living in America.

Little girls need to be what they are: kids. They should play in the dirt with My Little Ponies and read bedtime stories with their parents. They should sing and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba, not struggle through some unnecessarily complicated choreography in a room full of strangers. If my six-year-old sister ever told me she wanted to do a pageant, I’d sob. Loudly.

Oh, and you know the thing that freaks me out the most? Flippers. Flippers are fake teeth the kids can slip on over their real teeth to hide gaps from lost baby teeth. OH. MY. GOD.