Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?
Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!
On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?
Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.
So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."
Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!
Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!
It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?
Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.
Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.
Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.
Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.
Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.
Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.
Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.
Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”
To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.
Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!
The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.
Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!
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