New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by, R. Spade

New York is truly an inspiration to us all. Over the past few weeks, we have learned about how to face our fears (if only to get ten g's). This week, New York is going to show us how she deals with man's best friend – no...not silicone. Puppies!!!

I'm not entirely sure why, but the idea of New York with puppies totally freaks me out. I think it's something about how cute and innocent puppies seem while New York has fucked Flavor Flav. You know, the stereotype of crazy cat lady has nothing on the crazy dog lady that owns the Bow Wow Bungalow. New York, again, has three tasks.

First, New York has to clean the kennels. She seems completely unaware of how serious these people take their doggy day care. New York is armed with a pooper scooper and latex gloves. Oh...thank you VH1 for the sound effects while she's scraping poop off the dog's bed. I'm moderately nauseous. Luckily for New York, there's a washing machine she gets to use to clean the bed linens. Shockingly, New York cleans the shit up with little to no complaining. She's definitely getting better at doing the blue collar jobs!

The woman who owns it says she hopes New York doesn't freak out. Seriously. Have these fucking people ever seen New York or any show that she's on before?! All she does is freak out!!!! New York wonders why the dogs are sniffing at her “vajayjay.” I think they know when they're around their kind. New York and the other employee are exercising the dogs. It's a lesson in trying not to hit yourself in the face with your giant silicone tits. When a dog bites her, New York threatens to bite back. New York only does a moderate amount of panic.

Last task? Dog bathing. New York is definitely learning life skills that she will be able to use in her real life. I'm surprised New York knows how to wash hair – she doesn't need to wash that weave much. She gets to clean the dog's asshole with a baby wipe. She spends a significant amount of time with her hands in odd places on animals. The small dog causes a lot of trouble for New York. She gets tired and walks away. Ah yes...this is what it's like to be a normal person: if you get tired at work, you can walk away! I guess it would be too much to ask for New York to do well on all of her tasks.

Employee review time! The people from the first two tasks say yes. The chick from the third task says no. That bitch has the look of someone who wants to be a reality star...I think she's just jealous! Does New York make it? Holla! She gets her ten grand!!!

What will New York do for the amusement of white blue collar America next week? Junk removal worker, clown, or matchmaker. All of these ideas have so many possibilities...