New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

Another week, another chance to watch New York humiliate herself on national television. This week, New York is going to be a fast food worker. Seriously? What the motherfuck VH1? Do you have any idea what the hell fast food workers make? And some stupid cunt might make ten grand for showing up for the day? How is that even fair?! … I'm gonna get off my soap box and review the show now.

First task: food prep. New York has to wash potatoes. She has to clean each of them separately. How can she fuck this shit up? Um...I'm not sure that she's washing them off. She's pulling them out of the water and putting them on the counter. That's not sanitary, is it? New York decides the best course of action is to start flirting with the assistant manager. He doesn't give a damn. Big fail on that.

Next: food. The cook is showing New York how to make cheeseburgers. They actually look kinda good. I would be wary of earing anything that New York had touched. Goddamn, that bitch ain't even wearing gloves! She probably has herpes on her hand from touching Flav's crotch. She burns her hand and runs away from the stove while there are a bunch of people waiting for their food. I wonder what this third world immigrant cook thinks of this rich black ho who can't figure out how to cook. Another big fail.

Last task: customer service. Well, New York is the HBIC. She should be able to handle these whiny customers. New York cannot figure out how to order the food. She's easily confused. She can't find any of the buttons or figure out how to work the cash register. She is the stupidest person I have ever seen. You know, everyone has been made fun of fast food workers once in a while, but New York makes them look like goddamn rocket scientists. They frown upon you saying “peace out” at the drive-thru. She is just the most pathetic and stupid human being that has ever walked the face of this Earth. This one white trash bitch in the line is honking like crazy. This white girl orders a veggie burger and a lemonade...goddamn hippie whore. New York calls her a bitch...the woman can hear through the glass. That's not good. Another fail.

Decision time...? Is there much of a decision to be made? She completely failed at every single task that was put before her. Teenagers and retirees can do this job, and New York cannot hold it together for one day. Does anyone actually believe that she can hold down a real job? This was the most pathetic shit show that I have ever witnessed. To no one's surprise, New York doesn't get the money.

Finally – a twist in the show! New York is a pro boxer, and we get to pick who she fights. Mr. Boston (of I Love New York “fame”), Bryan (the jagbag* from the pig farmer episode), or Pumkin (the bitch that spit on New York during Flavor of Love). I know this, I would not want to get in the ring with a crazy bitch with an axe to grind.

*Jagbag = jagoff douchebag

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

What could New York do this week to top the past weeks? We have seen New York deal with bugs, pigs, and naked people. America, when Cole Porter said “be a clown,” I don't think this is what he had in mind.

New York has three tasks: training, heading a children's, birthday party, and performing in a clown show. I like how now her tasks are not even specific (like inseminate a pig) but just general acts that even the most simple of people should be able to do. Thankfully, the clown school makes New York put on her clown outfit right away – lady looks good in a neon blue wig!

The first part of New York's training is learning how to make balloon animals from the ballusionist. I wasn't aware that that was a word. New York is pretty good at blowing up he balloons (although I imagine she has a lot of practice with putting rubber on a tip). New York isn't too terrible at making balloon animals. The second part of this task is to juggle. She is totally awful at juggling on the other hand. She doesn't realize that you can only throw one at a time. The highlight of the episode is the New York sock puppet that Moxie brings out. She tells a completely inappropriate joke (which is totally expected of New York). New York passes the training challenge.

Children's party is the next challenge. New York hates kids. New York has to be sassy but not nasty at the children's birthday party. She gets a little sassy with the kids...she sort of yells at the group of them. One of the little kids just starts freaking out and tells New York that if she touches him he will sue her for sexual harassment. She barely touches him, but Moxy is not pleased. The balloon maker is not pleased that New York makes a disabled dinosaur. She fails the party portion of the challenge.

The last task is to perform in the clown show. This is where New York has to put all of the things she has learned together. That fat obnoxious kid is sitting in the front row. I don't know why anyone thought that New York should be around children for any period of time longer than a minute. She does not have the personality type that one needs to deal with children day after day. For the grand finale, New York spins balls on her arms and head while the other two clowns juggle around her. It was actually moderately impressive. She passes the finale.

Will New York make her ten grand this week? She passed two of the tasks, but she did manhandle a child. I think that that is frowned upon in most first world countries. New York said that after this challenge, she is going to get her tubes tied. She got a no from the balloon guy. A yes from the juggler. Epoxy splits his vote because of New York pushing that little bastard. The final decision: New York fails because she manhandled that child and then she starts to fuck the place up. New York is one classy lady.

Next week, will New York be a bounty hunter, a landscaper, or a fast food worker? Only time will tell...

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by, R. Spade

New York is truly an inspiration to us all. Over the past few weeks, we have learned about how to face our fears (if only to get ten g's). This week, New York is going to show us how she deals with man's best friend – no...not silicone. Puppies!!!

I'm not entirely sure why, but the idea of New York with puppies totally freaks me out. I think it's something about how cute and innocent puppies seem while New York has fucked Flavor Flav. You know, the stereotype of crazy cat lady has nothing on the crazy dog lady that owns the Bow Wow Bungalow. New York, again, has three tasks.

First, New York has to clean the kennels. She seems completely unaware of how serious these people take their doggy day care. New York is armed with a pooper scooper and latex gloves. Oh...thank you VH1 for the sound effects while she's scraping poop off the dog's bed. I'm moderately nauseous. Luckily for New York, there's a washing machine she gets to use to clean the bed linens. Shockingly, New York cleans the shit up with little to no complaining. She's definitely getting better at doing the blue collar jobs!

The woman who owns it says she hopes New York doesn't freak out. Seriously. Have these fucking people ever seen New York or any show that she's on before?! All she does is freak out!!!! New York wonders why the dogs are sniffing at her “vajayjay.” I think they know when they're around their kind. New York and the other employee are exercising the dogs. It's a lesson in trying not to hit yourself in the face with your giant silicone tits. When a dog bites her, New York threatens to bite back. New York only does a moderate amount of panic.

Last task? Dog bathing. New York is definitely learning life skills that she will be able to use in her real life. I'm surprised New York knows how to wash hair – she doesn't need to wash that weave much. She gets to clean the dog's asshole with a baby wipe. She spends a significant amount of time with her hands in odd places on animals. The small dog causes a lot of trouble for New York. She gets tired and walks away. Ah yes...this is what it's like to be a normal person: if you get tired at work, you can walk away! I guess it would be too much to ask for New York to do well on all of her tasks.

Employee review time! The people from the first two tasks say yes. The chick from the third task says no. That bitch has the look of someone who wants to be a reality star...I think she's just jealous! Does New York make it? Holla! She gets her ten grand!!!

What will New York do for the amusement of white blue collar America next week? Junk removal worker, clown, or matchmaker. All of these ideas have so many possibilities...

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

I cannot even imagine what must be going through New York's mind right now. She's royally fucked up her last two jobs, so she's out 20 grand. I'm sure that she'll give it her all because she is such an amazing example of a human being. What could New York do this week that could possibly even come close to topping her ghost hunting adventure? Exotic animal trainer!

This week, in what is probably an attempt to get New York to pass a week, there are only three challenges. But don't worry – New York still has an ample chance to make a total fool of herself on national television. You'd think that watching her try to be a productive member of society would eventually become obnxious or even boring. Luckily, that is not the case with New York.

I know what you're thinking: but I already watched New York deal with animals when she was an exterminator! Don't worry...these are exotic animals. I have two favorite moments in this episode.

1. Watching New York try to lure a hawk to her. The trainer tells her that she has to bait the hawk, and all's cool with New York – she's used to chasing things that don't want her. Shit hits the fan when she's told that she has to bait the hawk with something other than her gigantic fake silicone tits. She has to hold cut up bits of quail until the giant scary bird flies to her. Shockingly, New York does this. She bitches and moans as she does with everything she has to do, but she gets bird guts under her faux nails.
2. New York and a tiger. Nothing says “good idea” quite like that woman and a large cat. Apparently, no one told this tiger that New York is the HBIC. Just watching her try to figure out how to act around a four hundred pound tiger is worth its own episode. New York has to get a tiger to jump from one platform to another. It's fucking hilarious! This bitch can barely walk a straight line on her own let alone make a wild animal do the same thing. Those two have more alike than they realize.

Now, the part that didn't make it to my fav two moments is that at the beginning of the tiger clusterfuck, the tiger starts chasing and tackles one of the employees. This causes New York to start sobbing like a Christian watching a passion play. Unbeknownst to New York, this is all an act! They are trying to show her that she can't be a goddamn stupid cunt around a giant cat. Now, I normally think that New York is totally fucking overreacting about the stunts she has to do for her ten grand, but I don't even know if I could stay calm if they made me deal with a fucking tiger.

Will New York make her money this week? How has she survived missing the twenty grand that she lost out on by not being able to deal with nudists and ghosts? Well, before you get too worried – New York passes!!!!!

What will New York be next week? Doggie daycare worker? Auto mechanic? Super market employee? Well...we've already had the joy of seeing New York interact with animals (both dead and alive) and people), so America...I'd vote auto mechanic. I'd love to see that bitch get oil in her nasty ass weave.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

What kind of magical fun could the viewers in America have planned for our girl New York this week? There are always such fabulous choices, and New York is such a sane lady whose good at working with all types of people. Oh...lovely. Ghost hunter.

New York is not even aboard the Queen Mary when she starts to freak out. New York don't like ghosts – c'mon America! She has to do four tasks with the ghost hunters in order to get the title of ghost hunter and get her ten g's (she's probably still reeling from failing the last one). Bitch makes more money in a day than I do in a year – take some motherfucking time off.

First, she has to make contact with the spirits. She holds the rods and talks to a little girl that drowned in the first class pool (what? Aren't there any fucking ghosts in steerage? Gotta make this tranny talk to the rich kid?). She passes the first test. Next, she has to record voices. Have these people never heard of New York before? I know she's been introducing herself as “Tiffany,” but y'all shouldn't be that goddamn brain dead. She's the loudest goddamn woman on the planet. She shrieks. Like she always does. Then she drops and breaks their equipment. Way to go, bitch.

She ends up further down the boat where she says someone was touching her arm! The ghost who got burned to death is pissed as all hell at her. Although she says “arm” the way Pittsburghers say “Iron” so I was a bit confused about what the fuck the ghost was touching. She makes contact with that ghost. New York actually did something! Immediately following, she goddamn refuses to take part in a séance! First, she tries to say she can't because she's a Christian (right...because Jesus loves people who fuck fifty year old former rap stars so they can be famous). Then, when she thinks something touches her, she starts shrieking like a child alone in a room with a priest and runs the fuck off.

Will New York get paid? No. No, she will not. While all the ghost hunters enjoyed working with her, they said that she totally failed at the tasks she was given. What will New York be next week, America? Are we finally going to let her work with other black people? Probably not. We will, however, watch her run around shrieking for our own amusement.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

By R Spade

Here we go again: how can we humiliate New York this week? It seems that she has finally caught on to the fact that America is just about traumatizing you. This week: nudist resort employee. Basically, New York just has to be a normal person around lots of naked people – she's seen Flavor Flav naked; she should be able to handle anything at this point.

New York's first task: serve old, naked people breakfast. Oh good! Mandatory homo at the nudist resort. Oooh...you can tell she thinks a boy is cute when she introduces herself at Tiffany. The woman who's observing her said the guests seem happy. Time for customer service! … Servicing naked customers sounds like my kind of job. Luckily, the naked man decides that he needs to reinforce all of the negative gay stereotypes (feminine, judgmental, and condescending). I just wasn't getting my fill with just making black people look terrible. And, a s if getting $10,000 in a day for what someone probably does for $15,000 a year (...I'm staying out of it) isn't a punch in the face enough to working class America, we can text vote to give New York a $2000 bonus for not curbing that fag looking for floaties. I never though I'd feel bad for New York, but goddamn.

Time for New York to clean the rooms! I feel like this episode would be more interesting if New York were naked as well (I'm honestly a bit surprised she isn't!). Now, I'm no Suzie Homemaker, but New York thinks that swiping at surfaces with a towel counts as cleaning. She cannot be that fucking stupid. For some reason, they leave her alone. She can't work a vacuum. Brain dead aborted babies can turn on a vacuum. New York gets to set up a luau. She decides that while she's hanging out with the guests, she need to get her drink on as well. A lady after my own heart. The resort head is not amused.

Moment of truth: Will New York get paid? Don't worry – there's an old white man to decide it! OH! New York totally fails! This is the first one that she failed. New York does a little rant about how she put up with naked old people. Bitch tore the check up in front of New York. The guy tried to be nice to her, but she wasn't having any of it. Apparently, this is why the commericals are begging me to give New York a two grand bonus (even though that's like two months' work for me).

Next week: general contractor, cake baker, or ghost hunter!!!

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

Oh...New York. I'm guessing the major appeal of this show is that watching her do anything is like watching drunk freshmen in Halloween costumes try to find the college's loop bus.

This week, New York is a pig farmer. At the Pork Palace. New York is up on current events! She asks if we know of swine flu. Oh lovely...the brothel you live in has CNN. Oh good! Infro and Siro. It's not another “watch the black woman be judged by white men” episode. Her first task is to clean up shit. Well...she did spend two seasons on Flavor of Love. Bitch, it's a pig! She ran the fuck away. Again. And again. What the hell is the big deal about the pig? These aren't the flesh eaters from Silence of the Lambs. I think she's just afraid of anything white people might like.
Bryan, the apprentice pig farmer, does not seem to like New York. He is of the generation that may have seen VH1 reality before. He says that New York totally fails even though she actually feeds the pigs and completes the challenge. This is probably to make up for the fact that Bryan is clearly a closeted homosexual and a virgin to both genders. The lunch scene kinda reminds me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Iconic and totally terrifying.

You'd think that New York would be good at trimming the goats' nails when you look at those talons that tranny is wearing. You'd also be wrong. She lets all the goats out. Then falls down a hill while trying to find them. The only thing she does really well at is inseminating the pig. For some reason, she has almost no problem with shoving a giant tube with semen in it up a pig's vagina. Different priorities I suppose.

The Hispanic farmhands let New York pass this week because of her huge fake tits. If you got it, flaunt it girl! The apprentice fails her because, again, he is a fugly virgin who has probably never seen a black person up close in his whole sheltered Pig Palace life. In the end, New York triumphs and has officially made more in these two episodes than I make in a year.

Who the hell thought this idiot could do the most basic tasks? This is like a lame black version of The Simple Life. At least Paris had a friend on that fucking piece of trash. Although I do have serious problems with the gender and racial ramifications of this show. How long is it going to be funny to watch a stereotypical black girl fumble through things that blue collar America does every day? How many times can we watch her clutch her weave and run from nature?
At least one more time!

What will New York be next week? A cafeteria worker, casting director, or nudist resort employee? Stay tuned to watch New York set minorities back a hundred years.

New York Goes To Work/ VH1/ Monday nights

by Oryomai

I don't know about you, but I had definitely missed New York. I missed her piercing screams, her giant fake tits, and the way she thinks that's good at things. The premise of this show is that New York is trying to make it as an actress, but she needs a day job! Which begs the question, what the fuck has she been doing the entire time that she was on these reality shows? Nevertheless, each week you can text vote to see what job New York gets for the week. If she proves that she is a competent person capable of performing the most basic tasks, she gets $10,000. If she doesn't, she gets what the rest of us get for watching her show – jack shit.

First up, New York is going to be an exterminator. She basically runs around screaming and swatting at her weave. She's already pulled out the HBIC card (that stands for Head Bitch in Charge). Always the feminist icon, she proves the stereotype that women are afraid of bugs. First, we watch her run from bees. Then snakes. Oh! She puts on a helmet camera to find a dead animal under a house. If she doesn't deal with this dead animal, she doesn't get paid. I would pick up a dead, rotting rat covered in maggots with my teeth for $10,000 – bitch can do it with proper tools and trained professionals. She runs away like a banshee.

The exterminators then have a panel to decide if New York gets her ten grand. The bees guy says she passes (even though she shrieked.) The snake guy lets her pass because (even though she ran away, she came back.) The dead animal removal guy gives her the big FAIL because she left him hanging under the house. The head exterminator says that she failed at the biggest job. He still lets her get her check though.

This show is basically just a half an hour chance for the working class of America to humiliate someone. After this first episode in which group of white male exterminators judge the black female, I'm not sure how this is going to go. Also, can you imagine if this obnoxious reality show bitch shows up at your workplace and makes ten grand for staying one day? What the fuck do these people actually make? This show started off like a lame-ass knock-off second rate straight-to-video version of the Simple Life. Here's hoping it gets better!

Next week: pig farmer, construction worker, or pet groomer?!