NYC Prep/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

So basically, even as the show just rolled through its opening credits, I realized that this is pretty much the real life account of those tweeny Gossip Girl books.

Just to preface, all of these kids look like hairy monkies that swallowed lemons and were given the opportunity to dress like people for their television debut. Their personalities only make it worse.

The first two Preparatory School Seniors we meet are Jesse, the blonde girl. And PC the douche. The two meet up because they're nervous about college and apparently the big prestige of Prep school is getting into some great schools. PC thinks since they're wealthy a few strings can get tugged here and there. Jesse wants to just get it to get it, she doesn't want mommy 'n daddy to do it for her. But, I'm sure that's not true, and I'm sure she's just saying it while there's a camera in her face.

So PC sits in a large armchair in a really tight suit and something about his face just beckons me to want to punch it silly. He says that he was born in raised in the upper east side and you would never guess by his general pinched face and ugly attitude.

While Jesse, the girl, (not to be confused with Jesse's girl) talks fashion, I notice that her eyes are far too close together and she looks a bit like a flounder (both eyes on one side of its head). Anyway, Jesse is such a fashionista that she even has her own personal Barney's shopper.

Back to the date (Where PC is drinking a beer and I'm not sure how) the duo talk about the charity work they'll have to do to look good for schools. Jesse wants to get involved more with Operation Smile which helps middle Eastern kids with cleft palates. Kite Runner, much? Anyway, PC thinks this is a waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Like, what if we run out of Yves St. Laurent hair gel? Or maybe his pants will properly fit him instead of bulging his baby package for all to see?

Kelli is 16 and lives on the upper east side. She wants to sing. She's decent, I guess. Sounds like something on the N's Degrassi. Like any normal 16 year old, she and her brother (18) live together in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. Family comes in once a week to check in, but other than that they live in the Hamptons. Kelli's tiny face boasts that she doesn't do work, she doesn't do school work and all she and her brother do are go out with friends and party hardy all the time. She says she's glad to be independent, but I feel bad for her because independent doesn't mean living off of mommy and daddy and proverbially sneaking out the window.

While Kelli's out to dinner with her friend Megan, Sebastian shows up. He's also 16 and swallowed similar PC lemons. He likes to chase women, and I haven't been sixteen in 5 years (or straight) but..wtf?! He looks like a surfer cum Monkee cum Tool Academy Drop out cum Pan from Narnia. I guess, to young men everywhere, STIs are STIs and he shall wear them like a badge of honor. FOR NARNIA!

Camille looks like she'd be a Camille. She's rather annoying and loud like a boisterous, starving artist theatre major type. In her bubbly, articulate, annoying tone she explains that she will attend Harvard, get a high powered exec. Job, get a husband and have 2 girls. I'm reminded of a movie I saw once … Village of the Damned. Where all the children had these dark, scary expressions and tried to control your mind. I think that's what Camille is. Currently, she's fretting about SAT scores and finds out via blackberry that she did pretty well, but she could achieve a perfect score. All she's worrying about now is getting some community service hours and just needs some breathing room!

Taylor goes to the public school but has a lot of prep school friends. Even though she doesn't go to the same school, she is obsessed with having the status and all that. To serve this point further, in a scene where she is sitting on the couch at home with her mom she just outright “TELLS” her mom she's having a party…not asks, TELLS. She's so snarky and annoying that I'm not sure why mama spared the rod. Clearly she spoiled the child though. Yes, I went there.

Sebastian and Kelli head downtown to do some shopping since they both love fashion. Sebastian knows he could get her as his gee-eff, but he doesn't want to because he feels like he needs to be free as a bird in his ripe old age. Anyway, Camille calls Kelli about Taylor's party and Sebastian agrees to come with.

Taylor's happy to host instead of party hop. Since houseparties in NYC are just about unheard of, Tay has it at a Japanese restaurant. The guest list consists of both public and private school kids. Kelli and Camille feel out of place and throw each other pouty looks of disapproval because the kids are talking poorly about private school kids. Well, Sebastian shows up and starts flirting with the hostess, sending Camille and Kelli packing because K can't stand the sight of her hairy boi flirting it up with another brunette. Oh no she didn'! It looks like Kelli might even be crying!

Jesse meets up for dinner with her old pal Zoe who talk about fashion because they love fashion because fashion RULEZ. Anyway, they also talk about Jesse and PC and we learn that the two used to date long ago (when they were 14) but it didn't work out so now they're just best friends. Sniff, sniff…what's that smell? DRAMA?! You said it.

PC and Jesse go together to the art and fashion event. Jesse is looking for opportunities with Project Smile and PC just seems to be standing there with his usual sullied expression.

PC sees Kelli and Camille and thinks Kelli is cute and thus gets her number. Jesse hates this and just looks on with a look of sheer disgust and the two younger Juniors just avert her gaze. Jesse has a bitchy reputation. But I think she's actually a bitch so... no biggie. Why the hell Jesse is upset with PC's talking to the other two… thinks that they already have enough friends and don't need more. There's that WE card again. I'm pretty sure you and PC are separate entities, Jess. Otherwise, YEESH. They couldn't put the two of you as one person on the air.

PC is going to have dinner with Kelli. Jesse thinks it's stupid, but PC doesn't really care what she thinks. Ah, the tempo of the show. PC and Jesse have an upscale “Brit and K-Fed” vibe to them. Pretty soon she's going to be commando, driving her Bentley with her teacup poodle not properly strapped into his doggy seat.

Sebastian's passion is hooking up with other girls, because apparently this is a big part of prep school. Gabe is his wing man and also another giraffe-like rich boy with money making up for the beating of the ugly fairy. So the two of them are running game and hair flipping their way to true love. They're on a double date and Sebastian's smooth French talk seems to woo his date, Remy. She thinks he's really hot and that it's SO COOL that he's telling her he wants to marry her in French and all that. I would be thoroughly freaked out if I sat down for Pommes Frites and got Sebastian spewing French at me. Maybe she'll convince him to pluck his brows and manscape a little.

PC sets up dinner with Kelli and is pissed that Camille is there. Kelli basically says to get over it and Camille is there with an angle. She wants to get into some charity work and since Jesse is really into Operation Smile she wants her good graces. Heavens. PC asks the girls what they're doing this weekend and Kelli says that she's grounded. He asks them if they're twelve and Camille offhandedly comments that PC's comment was abrasive. Of course that sets the little twerp off and he thinks they're bitches that act like they know it all.

PC and Jesse go out for drinks. Once again, this is Gossip Girl. I vaguely remember Blair and Serena having cosmos at the Waldorf Astoria. But, at any rate. Jesse says she wants to set PC up, but he wants no girls that are just like him. Chuck Bass anyone? GAYGAYGAY. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, Jesse reminds him that it's not all about him and PC retorts by throwing a water bottle at her. Freaking out, the blonde fishy leaves and PC calls her a massive cunt. Somehow I see him in 5-6 years in the news for slicing strippers' throats in D.C. or cutting people's faces off to wear.

PC then apologizes to Jesse via Blackburry and the two of them make up. He says he loves her. Maybe he'll get an HJ now.

Real Housewives Of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday nights

by Lauren Rara

Dina and Lexie come over to see Teresa's house. In Oz. As Dina puts it. The house is insanely large, like one who was playing The Sims and has a freaking billion dollars to spend. I don't even know how one would fill a house of this size. It seriously looked like the Sopranos threw up in here, several times. The coolest part of the house is the wine cellar where Joe makes his wine. Dina and LExie can't stand the smell of the room and I don't blame them. That is one TERRIBLE fuckin' stench. But what do you expect from fermented grapes?

Dina and Teresa sit outside with some wine and Teresa explains that she wants to have a party at a nice restaurant and invite the usual suspects, including Danielle. This news seems to make Dina viscerally uncomfortable. But, Teresa defends that Dani is friends with Jacqueline and it should be okay for her to come. That's not enough for Dina who feels like it's ridiculous and upsetting that Danielle HAS to come to functions. But then she says she doesn't need to entertain her. It's Jacqueline's problem. I agree, fuck 'em. What is this Mean Girls? Don't invite her instead of having her come and ignoring her.

Danielle has the girls come out so that she can show them some photos from her modeling days. While the photos are blurred out, the looks on the girls faces are proof enough that some of these probably aren't exactly G-Rated. Using these pictures as a segue to tell them about the book. Yes, she did strip, get arrested and change her name (in that order). The little 14 year old says she'll trust her mama no matter what and then explains that whoever found this book probably was just trying to make people hate her. She is, and I stand by this, the smartest girl on this show. Lexie could learn from her. Ashley too, probably.

Danielle addresses the talk of the dinner party and seems a bit weary to head there. Jac is relieved because she's neutral like Switzerland and she's tired of everyone bitching. Uh yeah, that shrill sounding Jersey drawl ain't the nicest to listen to.

Jacqueline's parents come in to town driving a HUGE TOUR BUS. I think I actually saw Ashley and Farrah get off the bus to vomit up some Lean Cuisine or something. Anyway, Jac explains that her parents are very laid back non-pretentious types and as they talk about botox and Pampered Chef, Jac's dad warns her of looking like Goldie Hahn. Anyway, Jac asks mom and pops for advice about Ashley's car and her dad, an ex colonel in the army, says to give her some restrictions. 'Cause, you know, Ashley's so moderate. What do you expect from a 17 year old spoiled brat? I mean, really!?

Lexie decides she's too cool for the stuffed animals in her room so she and mama gather up some trash bags and eradicate the plushy problem. Most of the animals reside beneath the girl's bed and Dina jokes that this is what happens when you have housekeepers instead of cleaning up your own house. HARHARHAR Cue snobbish, bitchlaugh. Must be nice. If my mom saw a bunch of shit under my bed, she'd simply throw it out-- no questions asked. They also unearth a DRAWER full of candy. Deluxe candy, too. You know she went trick or treating in the rich neighborhoods. Anyway, Dina takes this as a sign that her house is falling apart and it's not a good thing to be away for so long.

Note to self: never try to fuck with Caroline. She and her husband have a beautiful German Shepherd who is one year old. And the kicker? They're training him to be a protection dog as we can tell by the way he chases down a pseudo attacker and locks his jaws on his arm. DANG. I would never want that big, lumbering doggie to come at me. When they train him with an AK-47 that's when ya really gotta look out. YIKES. Faghettaboutit.

Back at casa del Jacqueline, Chris wants the family to come outside. They give Ashley the car and she just cries and cries and cries. But, shock of all shocks, they lay down some ground rules and remind Ashley that it's their car and she gets to use it as she improves with grades and room-keeping, etc... I wonder how long that's going to last? They probably gave it to her in the end so that the viewers can't see what really happens.

Caroline, Dina, and Lexie all have dinner and Dina tells Caroline she misses being a true blue housewife. I mean, there are so many things happening while D's at work that go on. The bags upon bags of stuffed animals. And, LEXIE IS GROWING BUBBIES! Lexie says she can't stop her from growing and HAY at least hers are real. HA HA HA HA! At any rate, Caroline basically tells Dina to do what makes her happy and in that moment, or as Bravo portrays it, Dina says she is officially retired. What a hard life, Dina... hardhard life.

It's party time. And everyone's invited. Caroline, Dina, and Jackie show up early and everyone mingles around. Jac loves Teresa's new bubbies and honestly they look natural and normal on her small frame. Dina even bought Danielle a little sexy couple'a pieces of lingerie for she and Joe to try out. Oooh lala. Her new bubbies are fantastic, and the talk of the party. Especially when Teresa turns her "high beams" on. Awkward as America looks on to see the high beams as well. More awkward is the question of Caroline's titty authenticity. They are REAL, people. Gash, a girl can't have a nice pair without them being fake in this town, apparently.

Danielle and the girls show up late and don't give any hugs to the hostess with the mostest. The girls are grossed out by the raw oysters and joke and laugh about the texture. They also joke about how Joe wanted to get some right when Teresa came home from the hospital. As Teresa reddens up everyone's face with her re-telling, they guffaw and roll all over the place. It's a nice atmosphere. Everyone's joking around, except for Danielle who out of the blue pulls out THE BOOK. Why? I have no idea. And then no one speaks.

Well of course, Dina breaks the ice by asking wtf?! And Danielle retorts by trying to defend her name and honor. She keeps going on and on with this tirade about how she's flattered people took such interest in her life and Dina asks her if she can stop her. Danielle says no. Teresa says actually she can if she wants. The whole back and forth results in the little tots being ushered outside and the big kids staying for the show. Surprisingly, Caroline remains levelheaded throughout, serving as mediator. Dina is the victim of most of the scandal's getting around town, when she claims she didn't do it.

Caroline has Danielle look at her and say that she's the one that told them and that Dani better stop playing the blame game when it's not true. She claims that the family is "as thick as thieves" and you can't mess with them. SO I'm super confused, I don't know if you fellow viewers are, too. But basically, Caroline defends it was her. Jacqueline pipes in to say it was both of them. And Danielle just keeps harping on Dina. Caroline looks like the godfather and I feel like all she'd need is to snap her fingers for her goons to come out and snap Danielle in half like the twig she is.

WELL it gets back to Teresa, pissed because she's thrown this dinner party and there Danielle is saying she didn't want to start anything even though she brought the book. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS? Teresa jumps up like an animal, flips a table, and nearly rips Danielle's head off. Dina comments that she's never seen her act like that... But when you piss an Italian off...boy oh boy... I know first hand you don't wanna be on the receiving end of that. Especially when they're screaming like that.

Well, Dina says she doesn't feel like Danielle needs retribution, but prayers instead. The rest of the table is in an uproar as the clothes are wine soaked and the food is all over the floor. Danielle says if she ever wants to be friends with them again they all need to apologize. LA LA LA LA. But she still maintains it was in fact Dina that did this to her even though Caroline is explicitly telling her otherwise.

Then Bravo updates us with what's going on in all the girls' lives:

Teresa and Joe are expecting

Jacqueline and Chris are expecting and it's become something the family is close over again.

Dina has retired

Danielle is still searching for her soul mate

And the funniest one?

Caroline is not sorry for the book. She said she'd do it again.

That's hilarious. Everyone else gets a happy little blip and Caroline's is the hard ass gangster one. She's probably in the mob with Joe. Or by herself.

I'll miss you, real trashwives of New Jersey. For bubbies! For Chuckies! For you! Mwah!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

by Lauren Rara

Well, well, well, if it isn’t a visit from the rumor fairy, gracing upon the lovely county in which our housewives lay.

The “coming up next weeks” have been promising a reveal of Danielle’s dirty little secrets and in this episode we viewers finally get our share of the yellow journaling mommas.

Anyway, the episode starts off with a quaint dinner between Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle. Danielle immediately starts firing at the girls (but mostly Jacqueline) saying that the rumors circulating about her are not true. She’s not a husband stealer. She doesn’t have sex with trainers in exchange for their “services” and she thinks it’s really shitty of Jacqueline especially to believe any of it. Basically through her tirade, she wants to know who has been spreading the rumors. I’d like to know who has been spreading them too, so that Danielle will shut up…and maybe leave?

Cut to Dina, ironically, who is helping Little Lexie pack up for her two week vacation in Cyprus with her biological father. Dina’s rather upset because the way she sees it, she and Lexie are like a modern day Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, against the world. Our lovely buxom mommy is quite scared of her little baby travelling the streets of Greece alone, thinking that all the Greek boys are going to try and woo her. No offense, and I’m sure someday the little one will grow into herself, but for now I don’t think that’s something to worry about. Eeesh. Dina leaves us with a warm, maternal note—claiming that the only thing she and Lexie argue over is panties and bubbies! Dina still wants her to Hanes her way, but Lexie’s all about the So Pink Victoria’s secret collection.

Teresa heads on over to Jacqueline’s place with some exciting news. Mr. Juicy and delicious wants to take Salsa dancing lessons and Teresa wants to know if Jacqueline is in. Of course she is! But, unfortunately, Danielle needs to be included as well and the whole lot of them head on over to a dance studio where they will all take lessons. Funny thing for me is that it was tiny Joey’s idea for this dance off and the entire time he’s there he can’t take two seconds to pause and not let the word “gay” come out of his mouth. Hmm. Anyway, the folks are all having fun with their two steps, and of course, Danielle has to take it seriously. But listen, if one is used to “professionally” dancing they’re going to take it seriously. If the only thing in life that you’re good at is dancing and working out, you’re going to flaunt it, I guess. Well, the rest of the gang just goofs off, but Dani has a plan. When Caroline’s son Albie steps up to be her partner she constantly makes sure his hands are at her gyrating hips. Caroline senses a cougar on the prowl and feels personally insulted when she sees this, but continues to lay in wait like a cobra. Teresa pipes up and says that Danielle was “mauling” Albie, but Albie certainly didn’t look like he minded or maybe that’s just the Italian kindness inside of him.

What pisses Mr. Gay-basher off the most is when he and Danielle are dancing and he calls their instructor gay. It upsets Danielle, and for once in the show I agree with her. Well, Mr. Mafioso can’t take this heat and so after all the dancing is said and done the real tango showdown begins. Danielle tries to call Joe out again for saying yet another gay slur and he barks back and her and in her wise, wise way the ex-dancer explains, “I’m not your wife so don’t yell at me…” Which, of course, pisses of Teresa who chooses not to comment just then and there.

Dina wasn’t able to attend the dancing soiree because she was planning Lexie’s going away party. I didn’t know that people got those for going on vacations, but at any rate, I plan on going away for a long weekend to Ohio—would someone like to buy coleslaw and pasta salad in bulk for me? Thank you! The usual suspects show up, Teresa’s little “angels” all dressed in matching pink bikinis and hair clips. Adorable in that American Girl Doll sort of way.

Caroline speaks about the way Danielle was with her son, Albie, who says he was simply scared of the way she dominated him on the dance floor. Caroline, without missing a beat, says that when you look someone dead in the eye it means you want to do them. Well, poor news for the rest of us polite folks that simply want other to know we’re listening. But once again, Albie makes no real complaints. Maybe he liked the “Cha-cha goldfish” all up on him, ya dig.

Jacqueline and Chris go to the fertility clinic only to find out that age is not just a number. In fact, when you’re trying to conceive at an “older” age the chances of complications are higher. Jac and Chris relish in their son CJ and share a hug outside the doc’s office. Jacqueline wishes she could give her eggs plastic surgery so they’d look younger and flourish with fertile ability. The sad thing is, by the look on her face, I was reminded of Bridget ala “The Girl’s Next Door” and thought—she … she might be serious.

Back with our Gilmore Girls, Dina begins to cry as she begs and pleads Lexie not to go to any water parks in Cyprus because of the weird “butt disease” that one of her friends got there. She also laments about the Lyme disease contracted by Grandma Nina in Germany and hopes Lexie will steer clear of all that. The nasty, hairless cat keeps appearing and if they haven’t gotten sick from looking at that disgusting furless thing, I’m sure Lexie will be fine in Cyprus. Trunks packed and smile protruding, little Lexie leaves her mommy for two whole weeks. Adios!

Danielle shares a caring moment between her girls while they toss some dough in the air to make a pizza. She explains that these girls are her only friends and the viewer can only wonder what is going to happen to the poor darlings with this woman as their example. Danielle also explains that she tried to apologize to Teresa and the woman hung up on her. Juicy/Delish Joe probably told her to. I wouldn’t want that little mongrel nipping at my heels over something like that, and I’m sure Teresa doesn’t either.

The girls, sans Danielle, have a slumber party and, as Caroline explains, they’ve found out all about Danielle’s dirty little secret. The girls have unearthed a book called Cop Without a Badge that apparently exposes Danielle as an ex drug dealer, kidnapper, and prostitute. Each woman is read up on their Danielleology and knows a thing or two about her cryptic past. Since Dani’s ex hubby wrote the book, Caroline notes that if any of it is false she’ll be the first to apologize. I have a hard time believing that, and DANG it must have been one ugly break up if your ex-husband writes a book exposing all your secrets.

Jacqueline, despite the pressure to “break up” with Danielle from her sister-in-laws, goes over and talks to Danielle about what’s in the book. Danielle claims that it was all the boy she was dating at the time’s fault. He was involved in all that jazz. Danielle implores Jac to reveal who it was that gave her all this information, even though she knows it was Dina. If she knows it was Dina, I think she should just confront her. And I’m not sure what she expects from a group of Italian women. They’re thick as thieves, to quote Caroline. And they do not let off on their grudges easily. Plus, Dina warned the other women that she’d go Brooklyn on Danielle and kick her ass.

The day has finally arrived, where the Soprano’s aka Teresa, Joe, and the kidlets get to move into the dream house. All of the plush, leather, beige sofas and useless other things. The little girls all have their own palatial rooms and Gia even gets her own bathroom complete with Jacuzzi. When I was a child, a new My Little Pony and a Kids’ Cuisine sufficed… but now, shit. How can moms anywhere compete with that? Gia needs her things right NOW so her mother tells her to go ask Alberto if he can help her carry up the suitcases. Little shi—sweetheart that Gia is explains that because the man’s name is Alberto he probably speaks Spanish and she doesn’t speak Spanish. Poor Alberto does in fact speak English and helps Gia bring up her cases of what appears to be only denim miniskirts.

Anyway, while all this is happening, Gia’s agent calls and asks if Gia wants to do Gossip Girl on Friday. Of course she does, DUHH!!! How the hell this little tyke knows about the drug-habit, man-eatin’, cut-throat gossip girl is beyond me. Actually, faghetaboutit. It makes perfect sense.

We are left with dinner between Tommy, Danielle’s bff omg 43ver who happens to be gay and fabulous. Well, Danielle breaks down to him about what’s been going on with the “meanies” and basically tells him the story of how it was all framed and she really had nothing to do with any of it. Prior to that she mentions that she and Tommy had been best friends for twenty-some years, yet he doesn’t know that about her? Hmm. Also, her tears are faker than her tits in my opinion and as she “cries” she listens to Tommy’s advice of just confronting the situation and that will be the end of it. Danielle agrees, but I’m sure this is going to end poorly. It’s a bunch of hot headed Italian women with ties probably deeply rooted in the mafia. What else could happen but a fiasco?

Bravo…uh…Bravo, you’ve got us hooked.

Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Tuesday’s episode showcases the brilliance of Teresa working a GPS as she drives from Jersey to NYC to meet with Wilhelmina Modeling Agency about Gia’s future in baby-models. Surprisingly, the woman calls Teresa out on being a pageant mom as she looks over little Gia’s portfolio chock full of this little girl with a full face of makeup. This stuff creeps me out behind belief. How do you even get a little girl to sit still long enough to apply liquid liner, curl their lashes, and pepper them with enough blush to make a clown jealous. Teresa gets a little defensive, stating she paid $800 bucks to have those cards in that portfolio done. Wilhelmina just wants natural, obviously. Look at Miss Dakota Fanning! Her eyebrows remain un-darkened and she’s quite the little success story.

Dina goes out with she and Caroline’s brother Jamie who is a celebrity Chef/stylist by trade. I am not sure what you go to school for in that regard but at any rate he needs D’s help in picking out a “look” for a stylist space. Dina’s got a “bitter pill to swallow” with her business being so up-and-coming and ridiculous. Hubby yearns for the housewife in her, but Dina’s more on the path of “desperate” housewife, i.e. designing huge homes and making money, money, money.

Cut to Jacqueline who sits down with daughter Ashley and explains to her that she didn’t pass two of her classes. Ashley, seriously, looks to her mother and says “I thought you could just take care of that…” From the looks of things, I think that’s not the first time Jac’s had to “take care of things” in the academia sense. Ash needs to go to summer school and maybe, just maybe, they’ll teach her how to sit still for two seconds without swaying her extensions from side to side. It infuriates me that these children have everything handed to them down to the tips on their fingernails and they can’t show enough gratitude to even get a C in a class to pass it? Oye!

Danielle takes her girls rock climbing and I became insta-jealous. My mom only ever took me to Ann Taylor and told me to sit and behave! Danielle says her buff bod is the reason she’s snagged herself a 26 year old guy, but, remember that this certain beau of hers actually looks to be about 40. My dad has more hair on his head at 50 and that’s TRULY saying something. At any rate, Steve (the 26 y/o boytoy) has one the heart of Danielle’s younger daughter, but not the older because he “treats [Danielle] badly” hmm, shocking that she’d put up with that.

Caroline’s daughter Lauren has an interest in cosmetology and, sadly, that’s what Jacqueline did in Vegas as well. I cannot make stripper jokes any longer, so let’s just hope that the hair and makeup she did there was for strippers. They’re classy there. Anyway, Lauren doesn’t want the license to wax anyone’s “chucky” or “pee-pee” because she skeeves. I DO TOO! Ugh. Do you know how gross some people can be? Lay off, Caroline. I’d like to see you wax a peepee that looks like a handful of raisins. But, as Jac, Caroline, and Lauren take a tour of the school their guide suggests a full license is the way to go.

Teresa takes Gia to get some less Jon-Benet esque pictures (too soon?) And brings along at least fifteen matching pink’n’leopard print bags filled with clothes, shoes, and hair accessories. I don’t think I’ve ever owned so much clothing at one time so I was shocked as it just kept coming. Gia looks creeptastically good at the model images, posing in fashions that would make Tyra herself proud.

Danielle has Dr. Maxilosnuffalufagus over for a pampering party. The guest of honor is botox, if you can believe it, and Danielle is excited to get more and give people the opportunity to get some themselves. The gang all comes and Caroline explains her lack of fitting in since she’s sans botox, breast implants, and a whole lotta silicone bitchiness. At any rate, Teresa and Jacqueline get a few injections done but Dina swears against it, even though I thought her lips were fake (confirmed by Jacqueline). She allegedly also gets botox, which is “fine” but, like Dani basically says… don’t knock it when you try it. The entire time Danielle is sitting in the chair, Dina’s making snide remarks about how she wants to shove needles in her face and even about the doc that’s doing it. Rightfully so, Danielle gets a little bit perturbed at this and basically says it’s a slap in her face. But really, let’s get serious, if someone slapped Danielle in the face I don’t even think she’d feel it.

Dina tells her daughter Lexie that she needs to start pulling her weight and making her bed. Lexie claims she doesn’t know “how to make her bed…” which floors me once again because basically it’s just pulling the sheets up and evening them out. I bet she knows how to put a beach towel down to lay out, though. Dina’s hired a nanny for a few days during the week and Lexie implores about being called “your majesty” …like mama, like child.

Danielle invites Jacqueline and CJ over for a little barbecue at her house, explaining her birthday plans. Cristal and a Limo…sounds like my birthday, sans Cristal and limo, actually. Dani’s peevedness from the spa party transcends to the guest list as she explains to Jac she only wants Teresa to come and not “you know who” (Voldermort, obviously). Jacqueline’s face drops as Danielle keeps cutting down Dina and the poor ex-strip—“cosmetologist” feels a loyalty to family over fickleness.

So, Jacqueline goes over to Caroline’s explaining that Ashley had a melt down and cried about how she couldn’t even do something simple like pass school. So, the logical choice is buying her a CAR?! Not to toot my own horn, but if that’s the way the cookie should crumble, Ms. Rara should have at least 4-5 BMW’s lined up and waiting for me. Or maybe a house since I’ve never failed anything. Disgusted, Caroline tries to make Jac see that getting Ashley a car is doing nothing but spoiling her further. DUH! Caroline refuses to speak to her brother (Jacqueline’s husband, Chris) about this fiasco, but instead lets Jac hear it. The girl does need consequences! Caroline’s son Albie jokes that if she gets a car for failing out of school what does she get when she’s locked up? The answer—a small island and a new set of tata’s. Right?

Danielle, Teresa, and Jac go out on a triple date for Danielle’s birthday. Steve, the 26 year old wonder, is just about silent as they eat their food. Danielle calls it “trouble in paradise” and is astonished since they spend so much time communicating and hanging out. The boy probably thinks he needs to be on his best behavior, like he’s out with his stinkin’ parents or something. The tension at the table made me uncomfortable so I felt a little bad for the girls’ and their hubbies. The three ladies meet outside for a pow-wow and Danielle explains that things have been different with Steve and he’s been ignoring her and the like. Teresa says she’s tired of getting dragged into all this “Danielle-drama” and I can see why. Everyone has that “Karen” friend. And if you’re wondering who that is, as Dane Cook says, you’re Karen.

Teresa takes the new pics back to Wilhemina’s modeling agency and after some grumpies, the big boss decides that she can work with a few of the pictures because they are less “pageant-y” and more natural. Lovely!

Jacqueline invites Teresa over for a play date with CJ and Gabrielle and of course, Danielle calls up with Steve-woes, causing the two ladies to roll their eyes but invite her over anyway. Danielle doesn’t know how to break up with Steve, but the girls tell her she really does need to. He’s too young and not what Danielle needs at present. Since Steve is a friend of Teresa and Joe we learn of Steve’s lack of care for Danielle and his imminent need for daily blowjobs… gross. Danielle gets pissed when the girl’s tell her what she needs to hear and leaves in a huff.

As women tend to do, when Danielle leaves Jacqueline and Teresa play “name that rumor” and spew all the alleged scoop they know. “Husband stealer”, “stripper” , and roundabout “prostitute” come up. Caroline gets cut to and hints at an impending investigation of who Danielle really is, since none of the housewives like her except for sweet little Jacqueline.

Like each “coming up next week” preview explains, Danielle’s got a lot of skeletons in her closet and without a doubt we’re going to be treated to every single one of them. But hell, I’m ready.

Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Alas, the surprising opening showcases Jacqueline's daughter Ashley who "has made some poor choices in school" (Coke...) and fallen behind. And again, the hint of all hints that Jac was probably a stripper unveils when she tells Ashley that she feels guilty that she gets to spend more time with CJ. Strippin' does take up a lot of time or, as she puts it “various jobs.” Caroline and Arianna... I mean, sorry...Danielle pipe up with conflicting views. Caroline thinks Jac needs to lay down the law while Danielle feels that Jac is a poster child for motherhood.

HMMMMM...

SURPRISE, SURPRISE. Teresa goes shopping...with her DAUGHTERS, no less. I know, shocking. At least a few times a week. My stomach began to turn at the sight of the little diva-ettes ransacking through racks of clothes and even the littlest one begging for a dress in her size. OYE VEY. And my respect continued to diminish as Teresa revealed her enjoyment of all 5 of her family members to match (including Mr. Juicy & Delicious himself). That makes me a sad panda. At least they're shopping for CJ's b-day soiree and not just for the hell of it. I guess. Quickly, the shopping trip turns into catastrophe, complete with the littlest daughter saying "I WILL PULL MY HAIR OUT" if she doesn't get what she wants. Two years old. Great values to instill in your children.

Anyway, Gia gets a call from her agent and is set up for an audition with The Rock. I worry about his career. It seems that mostly he's been working with young children as co-stars. Or maybe that's Vin Diesel. I have an idea. Why don't they pair up! Rock and Vin go to Hollywood. I can see it now, the two of them in the car, singing aloud "Girls just wanna have fu-unnn!"

Ahem.

Danielle and Jacqueline have lunch. Once again we learn of Danielle's newness to the group and the closeness the two women share despite it. And again we hear about the Dina-Jacqueline-Danielle fighting mess. Jac's in the middle and unhappy, which is totally understandable and still why Jac's my favorite housewife. Danielle's skeptical of the renewed relationship of she and Dina, but she does want to try to make amends. Can you smell the drama now? Good.

Another glimpse at Teresa's Sim home. RIDICULOUS.

I wish I was invited to CJ's birthday party. It's hands-down cooler than any party I've ever had. It's carnival-themed and is nicer than probably any local fair I've attended. Ashley, Jac's daughter, is allegedly having people over and it's a little blip o' drama. And Dani and Jac tag team Ashley and try to get her to renege on the people she's invited.

Party looks like tons of fun and thennnnn... we get the dramatic reveal of Dina driving up in her convertible. Danielle thinks now is a good time to smooth things over... hmmm. Dina takes this to mean that Danielle wants to "skin her and wear her like last year's Versace." OF COURSE! Why didn't I see the motives? It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the house again!

Caroline and Lauren are cooking up a feast for the "masses" that usually frequent the house. We get a glimpse at Christopher's charming wit and Lauren's aspirations for beauty school. I don't put that kind of shit down. I cannot even straighten my hair without burning myself. So I respect people with that knack.

Teresa goes to an acting coach to help Gia with her audition. Dude, Gia was in "Doubt" but she can't nail a line like "my tooth is gone." Well, okay, I can see now why Gia was just background.
Caroline's and her hubby sit down with Lauren and tell her she needs some goals because she kind of doesn't have any and just works with her dad. Typical italian family. They want you to work on their terms!

Danielle calls her ex-hubby to receive her settlement and in reality he seems like a real gem. Which could explain a helluvalotta the whole behavior of this girl. I almost feel bad for her.
Jacqueline visits her doctor because she is having trouble getting pregnant. She brings Ashley along and once again makes note of the spoiling situation, but Ash gives mama some good advice and tells her to be lucky she has any children at all. It really tugged on my heart when Jac started to cry about her miscarriages. I am not even going to be a smartass now 'cause that's just sad. The doc just says it could be bad luck. What a wonderfully professional opinion.
Well here's me picking my jaw up off the floor. Dina actually is not all self. She has "Project Ladybug" which helps out kids with cancer. WOW. I really did not see that one coming. But she is planning a fundraiser Girl's Night Out for the foundation. Awesome. Dina's taking in a new assistant. I cannot tell if this one will pan out with dramatics (mostly because I think this boy’s sexuality is questionable). But I'm sure it will.

Danielle and her girls jog every day. That's cool. We learn of the financial struggling and Danielle's cry for "help." Aka a sugardaddy. Then we meet her new beau. Steve is Danielle's 26 year old date. (Danielle is 45) But anyway. Cougars are always a win in my book. And Steve actually looks a little older than Danielle. Cue Rogaine, senor.

Dina is setting up the fundraiser and Caroline is piping up in her interview cut saying that Dina goes nuts when she’s in stress. Weird. I thought Dina was so levelheaded and calm. I could never see her being a bitch…ever.

We catch a naughty glimpse of Danielle’s bold side as she and Steve munch on dinner and decide whether or not to head into the bathroom. Seriously. This girl is Ariana from Vh1’s Tough Love. Gross, over-botox’d, and sadly so so insecure.

Dina’s fundraiser is a bunch of stations that are selling stuff: “from scrap booking to Botox.” Ashley, problem child, is obviously acting up again. The fundraiser is a family affair and Jacqueline is roped into selling tickets which makes her feel insignificant and bitched out. And now the truth comes out—Jac and Dina have drifted and so Jac drags Teresa into the bathroom to bitch. GOD. This show should be called “The Real High Schoolers of Noi Joisee.” But at any rate, the fundraiser was a great success. (Mainly because the afro wigs came out at the end).
More drama to come, dealing once again with everyone’s distrust of Danielle. And Lauren’s “skeeving” of waxing people’s bodyhair.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/Bravo/Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Holy botox, batman!

Girls, girls! Listen. Ya need, bubbies. Bubbies, indeed. Like Teresa. Because as the debut wife of another dramtacular season of “Real Housewives” this Jersey girl obviously has her priorities straight. No “big” hair (just medium sized) or fake nails for her. But a tag team of little diva-ettes that look like Bratz dolls in person. But I suppose marrying someone like “delicious and juicy” Joe might do that for you. I sometimes thank the celestial bodies for my sexuality—and now is definitely one of those times. No offense, seriously. But anyway. Joe is an “entrepreneur” (cough—mobster—cough) and runs a construction business.

I think, as Caroline put it—Teresa doesn’t realize JUST how hilarious she actually is. In the scene at the furniture store, I’m not sure Teresa understood what she was buying. Who needs four kitchen tables? And two plushy sofas of the same type? This isn’t The Sims, missy. You can’t just rosebud your way to happiness. And she paid cash! Jesus. I’d like to be in her husband’s business. Definitely Italian. I don’t hear anyone use the word “skeeve” except my grandmother. Bethany? Is that you? No? Wrong city…

Dina… Lohan? Is that you? Gold digger? Bitch? Ah! No, sorry…wrong Dina. Anyway, Miss Dina makes me want to quit school and trophy myself out if she can go from nothing to everything in one nuptial. Women suck. Seriously. Especially ones that are warped with their old man’s money. And then they breed little golddigettes. Ahhh.

Caroline—old school. Living for her kids and husband. Insert eye roll. Hey, at least her daughter works at the family business. Nice name too, Lauren. Not too shabby. And, the best part… Dina’s her sister. Crikey. Married to brothers!

Jacqueline might be my favorite so far, even though her kid called her “the mom from ‘Mean Girls’”. She is correct in saying Jersey is the armpit of the earth. And the women –are—status obsessed and stupid. And guess what? Jaqueline is the sister-in-law to Caroline’s brother. And a good girl. And a fixer-upper-kinda gal. I think she was a stripper in Vegas, but that’s just me. Anyone else agree? I mean, it’s fine. I’d make it rain on her.

Danielle is full of collagen (and shit) claiming her body is from care and working out (of course, not lipo or tummy tucks). These women are hilarious. Instilling some wonderful things into her children. But I respect her single-mom status. Enter: dramatic black sheep that may or may not fit in La famiglia.

SO. Into the real story of this thoughtful show. Christopher, Caroline’s son that isn’t going to college, wants to own a car wash/strip club which gives a whole new meaning to rode hard and put away wet—or something. Gonna make mommy proud. Well, actually, probably. Caroline wants him to run a respectful strip club. Maybe the women will wear tuxedo-print g-strings and have to have –all- their teeth.

Lexi is glad that Dina is not a fat, old mom. And together they play tennis with beautiful balls. Listen to your daughter, Dina…wear two bras next time. I’m wondering, really…how this stuff makes the cut. And I wonder even more about what the producers have to sit through that doesn’t get on this show.

Teresa’s girl, Nina…er…Gia…is in a little dancing competition, which of course prompts Teresa to explain she’s not a pageant/stage mom—even though she’s sitting in the audience doing the entire dance routine and saying how she’s been in touch with modeling agencies.

Danielle is supposed to meet up with a guy online named “Gucci Model” who she met online and has had phone sex with. Jacqueline tries to tell her that this guy will only be thinking about sex and Teresa backs her up and of course, Danielle says “that’s what intrigues me…” . I just had a dawning! This woman reminds me of Arian from Vh1’s “Tough Love” because I’m fairly certain that’s where Arian is headed. Steve should get his paws in these girls. He’d definitely have a field day. But not to fear, Jacqueline and Teresa follow Danielle because they think a meeting based on two years of phone sex is not really all that sound. I agree, ladies. It’s all about the sexting these days. And unfortunately, the dude doesn’t show up, even though he’s from one of those millionaire version of E-harmony.

In other housewives, Caroline’s son, Alby, has a graduation party because he got into Fordham. Awesome. The pre-party shows just how incapable of anything these kids are. Even tying their own shoes—literally. Surprising, I know. The relatable thing about this whole show is the Italian family idea. Dina says there’s always some kind of drama and there’s always someone who’s not talkin’ to the other. Definitely. The party is a typical huge, Italian get-together with food and booze and beautiful girls for the “Golden child” Alby. And of course, the warning that Caroline inspects all that come into her house and is tough on them… foreshadowing? I think so.

Dramaaa peaks again when Danielle shows up at the salon where Dina gets ready before each “Girl’s Night out” and there’s already preexisting beef with Dina and Danielle so the high school staredown ensues. Dina claims that Danielle’s been talking smack about her, and even Jacqueline backs that notion up. I’m not sure why Danielle is so insecure with her little iron-pumping life that she has to rip rip rip. Anyway, the episode ends with a hint o’ the drama that’s to come between Dina and Danielle and Jacqueline, ooh lala.

Basically, this Housewives will be just like the rest. And frankly, I can’t wait to follow it all the way through. It looks like Danielle’s going to be our hub of drama this season, but who didn’t see that one coming?

The Fashion Show/ Bravo/ Thursday Nights

by Lauren Rara

It’s not often that I find myself attracted to shows about making clothes or staying in trend. Mostly because I have the fashion sense of a ball of lint, but, at any rate, I was looking forward to the premiere of Bravo’s “The Fashion Show.” To quote our very wise editor Cacia Y. Pepe, “It is the B version of Project Runway,” and that is what it is indeed.

The show’s premise is not unheard of. Fifteen hopeful fashion designers want to win the $125,000 cash prize sponsored by Tresemme, ooh lalaaa. It wouldn’t be a bonkers, catty, dramatic show without the handful of snobby girls and uppity queens—of course, The Fashion Show does not disappoint.

Some particular folks that stood out for me were:

• Merlin-of course, who could ignore that feather-wearing-circus act
• Reco- who designed clothing for strippers
• Johnny- with the huge messy bun of glory
• Kristin- because she looked to be about 8 and dressed like a Cabbage Patch Doll
• James Paul- kind of mousy, anime scary, but talented!
• Daniella- up on her high horse because she went to school in London. I wish her London Bridge would fall down.

Anyhoot—the first miniature challenge was for the contestants to create an evening gown from a little, simple, black t-shirt. Personally, I was super-impressed with the way some of these people turned the heat up on their designs. I don’t think I could do much more besides cut off the sleeves and maybe give the shirt room for cleavage.

Keith, Merlin, and Johnny were our fateful winners and they undoubtedly did the best job. Some of the more… um… “unique” pieces included a garment bag within a dress (and not the other way around) as well as a purple-seamed modern day “Barney” dress. Blah. Anyway.

The winner chose teams in a high-end fashionista version of Dodgeball and then each team was to create five looks for an essential piece. At this point I found myself taking notes because I had to channel my inner straight girl. So. We had: Merlin’s team with the Belero jacket (Had no idea what that was until I saw it… thought they were saying Velero Jacket which translated from Spanish would mean Sailboat jacket…Dios Mio); Keith’s team with the pencil skirt (a major, epic, fail); and Johnny’s team with “arab”(hammer) pants.

There were some sewing issues, to say the least. Naughty, naughty Kristin and Johnny, whose models could barely fit in their skirts and outfits—which were absolutely atrocious by the way.
So I was kind of losing interest in this show at this point. Aside from minor squabbles over colors and minor boastings about education, I was yearning for more drama. I guess the biggest point was when Merlin told Daniella something chauvinistic and stupid and she got all uppity and I got all bored.

The Fashion Show portion of the program came toward the end where each team got the chance to showcase their pieces in front of a live audience, Mizrahi, Rowland, Fern Mallis, and guest-judge Ellie Tahari. Needless to say, the judges were nonplussed with the results and I was cringing with the debut of the “pencil” dress… the models (small-framed girls) looked like something you’d see on an overweight girl at a nightclub in the SouthSide of Pittsburgh and not rocking in some couture runway.

The only plus side was James Paul whose rendition of evening wear with his Belero jacket had him winning favor of the judges for this week and left fellow teammates Kristin and Johnny in the hot seat. (Whoops, wrong show)… In the throes of elimination. Johnny wasn’t well-suited for the job and the judges felt Kristin would be a more creative voice overall. Personally, I never want to hear her whiny little voice again.

So alas this will be my first—and last—review of this show. May someone else give it justice.

Joe Mama's/ Pittsburgh/ Italian

by Lauren Rara

Joe Mama’s so …hit or miss anymore that I can’t even come up with a quick-witted quip for my opening line. After the first fateful day I visited this restaurant it quickly climbed its way to one of my favorites. I consider myself relatively picky about Italian cuisine, so when I find a place that’s decent I try to keep it in mind.

Anyway, the lady and I went there the Wednesday before my intensive day of two mind-blowing, bum-raping finals that came the next day. We were excited to eat our favorite (relatively) cheap Italian place. We ordered two plates of ravioli and asked for extra dressing on the house salad that comes with entrees. Some part of me should have thought something was off whenever my fountain coke tasted like nothing but seltzer water and the lady’s beer was flat as our waitress’s personality.

The salad came and the usually tasty, simple homemade Italian was more like an overly spiced paste that came out of some jar. Disappointing, seeing how that is usually the best way to start off the meal. At any rate, our mute waitress brought our dishes out super quick and the sauce surrounding my Rav’s was swimming with water which must have somehow affected the texture of the other raviolis. They were falling apart like goopy mush instead of cheese filled pasta pillows.

For thirty bucks, I’m not sure that this was worth it! And this is the first time I would say that. Next time, I’ll be sure to stick to my artery-clogging stick-to-your-ribs “Hug Yo Belly Gemeli” and the breaded mozzarella triangles—mmm…

I’m sad to even write this review because it feels like I’m being disowned by my own mama, but I guess it’s only Joe's Mama so … better luck next time? Better service next time? Better food next time?