The Real Housewives of New Jersey/Bravo/Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

Holy botox, batman!

Girls, girls! Listen. Ya need, bubbies. Bubbies, indeed. Like Teresa. Because as the debut wife of another dramtacular season of “Real Housewives” this Jersey girl obviously has her priorities straight. No “big” hair (just medium sized) or fake nails for her. But a tag team of little diva-ettes that look like Bratz dolls in person. But I suppose marrying someone like “delicious and juicy” Joe might do that for you. I sometimes thank the celestial bodies for my sexuality—and now is definitely one of those times. No offense, seriously. But anyway. Joe is an “entrepreneur” (cough—mobster—cough) and runs a construction business.

I think, as Caroline put it—Teresa doesn’t realize JUST how hilarious she actually is. In the scene at the furniture store, I’m not sure Teresa understood what she was buying. Who needs four kitchen tables? And two plushy sofas of the same type? This isn’t The Sims, missy. You can’t just rosebud your way to happiness. And she paid cash! Jesus. I’d like to be in her husband’s business. Definitely Italian. I don’t hear anyone use the word “skeeve” except my grandmother. Bethany? Is that you? No? Wrong city…

Dina… Lohan? Is that you? Gold digger? Bitch? Ah! No, sorry…wrong Dina. Anyway, Miss Dina makes me want to quit school and trophy myself out if she can go from nothing to everything in one nuptial. Women suck. Seriously. Especially ones that are warped with their old man’s money. And then they breed little golddigettes. Ahhh.

Caroline—old school. Living for her kids and husband. Insert eye roll. Hey, at least her daughter works at the family business. Nice name too, Lauren. Not too shabby. And, the best part… Dina’s her sister. Crikey. Married to brothers!

Jacqueline might be my favorite so far, even though her kid called her “the mom from ‘Mean Girls’”. She is correct in saying Jersey is the armpit of the earth. And the women –are—status obsessed and stupid. And guess what? Jaqueline is the sister-in-law to Caroline’s brother. And a good girl. And a fixer-upper-kinda gal. I think she was a stripper in Vegas, but that’s just me. Anyone else agree? I mean, it’s fine. I’d make it rain on her.

Danielle is full of collagen (and shit) claiming her body is from care and working out (of course, not lipo or tummy tucks). These women are hilarious. Instilling some wonderful things into her children. But I respect her single-mom status. Enter: dramatic black sheep that may or may not fit in La famiglia.

SO. Into the real story of this thoughtful show. Christopher, Caroline’s son that isn’t going to college, wants to own a car wash/strip club which gives a whole new meaning to rode hard and put away wet—or something. Gonna make mommy proud. Well, actually, probably. Caroline wants him to run a respectful strip club. Maybe the women will wear tuxedo-print g-strings and have to have –all- their teeth.

Lexi is glad that Dina is not a fat, old mom. And together they play tennis with beautiful balls. Listen to your daughter, Dina…wear two bras next time. I’m wondering, really…how this stuff makes the cut. And I wonder even more about what the producers have to sit through that doesn’t get on this show.

Teresa’s girl, Nina…er…Gia…is in a little dancing competition, which of course prompts Teresa to explain she’s not a pageant/stage mom—even though she’s sitting in the audience doing the entire dance routine and saying how she’s been in touch with modeling agencies.

Danielle is supposed to meet up with a guy online named “Gucci Model” who she met online and has had phone sex with. Jacqueline tries to tell her that this guy will only be thinking about sex and Teresa backs her up and of course, Danielle says “that’s what intrigues me…” . I just had a dawning! This woman reminds me of Arian from Vh1’s “Tough Love” because I’m fairly certain that’s where Arian is headed. Steve should get his paws in these girls. He’d definitely have a field day. But not to fear, Jacqueline and Teresa follow Danielle because they think a meeting based on two years of phone sex is not really all that sound. I agree, ladies. It’s all about the sexting these days. And unfortunately, the dude doesn’t show up, even though he’s from one of those millionaire version of E-harmony.

In other housewives, Caroline’s son, Alby, has a graduation party because he got into Fordham. Awesome. The pre-party shows just how incapable of anything these kids are. Even tying their own shoes—literally. Surprising, I know. The relatable thing about this whole show is the Italian family idea. Dina says there’s always some kind of drama and there’s always someone who’s not talkin’ to the other. Definitely. The party is a typical huge, Italian get-together with food and booze and beautiful girls for the “Golden child” Alby. And of course, the warning that Caroline inspects all that come into her house and is tough on them… foreshadowing? I think so.

Dramaaa peaks again when Danielle shows up at the salon where Dina gets ready before each “Girl’s Night out” and there’s already preexisting beef with Dina and Danielle so the high school staredown ensues. Dina claims that Danielle’s been talking smack about her, and even Jacqueline backs that notion up. I’m not sure why Danielle is so insecure with her little iron-pumping life that she has to rip rip rip. Anyway, the episode ends with a hint o’ the drama that’s to come between Dina and Danielle and Jacqueline, ooh lala.

Basically, this Housewives will be just like the rest. And frankly, I can’t wait to follow it all the way through. It looks like Danielle’s going to be our hub of drama this season, but who didn’t see that one coming?