dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Friday, May 8, 2009

Tough Love/ VH1/ Sunday nights

by Oryomai

Steve decides to give up a quick recap of the season. It's a wonderful trip down memory lane of the highs (Jodi meeting Shane's son, Jaclyn finding what-might-be-love with Brock) and the lows (Stasha during the sexy photo shoot, Arian in general).

SEASON FINALE TIME!!!!

It's time for the (appropriately) biggest challenge: the ladies are going away on a fabulous getaways. BUT. They have to invite one of the guys they met during boot camp. We finally got to the point of the show when we see the ladies ask the guys out. Natasha basically sucks at life. She's made no good connections, humilitated a guy on their last date, and is kinda boring. Steve is impressed by the fact that she tried to apologize to the guy she humiliated and sets her up with someone (24 hour first date? Probably going to end in hell).

Out of nowhere, Taylor says that she's leaving! She doesn't think that she is ready for a relationship right now. Why the fuck is she leaving on the last show?

The ladies all head out on their getaways. Jodi and Shane head to Vegas. They are definitely the most interesting couple at this point because they're actually a couple. And I'm fairly certain that they both have IQs higher than their clothing sizes. All the ladies seem to be doing pretty well on their getaways (no one gets drunk and calls the other person a douchebag or anything). Brock is concerned about what's going to happen when Jaclyn goes back to home with her ex. Which is totally legit because she's a stupid cunt.

Final group! As something fun for the last episode, everyone is in the hot seat! Yay! Since it's the end of a non-elimination show, everyone gets all fucking weepy about how that bastard Steve really helped them in their lives by acting like a super dick. Oh thank god, Jaclyn is fucking up. Something worth watching on TV for once. Oooh! Greg (the ex) is going to be picking her up at the airport. She says that she is serious about Brock. Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Don't worry – we get status updates! Stasha took the boy she left the show for to Serbia to meet her fam – they're getting married this year. Taylor moved home to be near her family, and still talks to Jodi every day (aw...). Arian moved to LA to be with her new boy – a bartender she met while on the show. Natsha is now dating someone she met after camp. Abiola and Justin broke up because the “long distance thing” didn't work. Jessa found true love with someone she knew all along (aw...). Jody and Shane broke up (oh no!) Greg proposed to Jaclyn when she got to the airport, and she totally took him back. They broke up when he went back to his old ways...and she lost Brock.

I know what you're thinking...what am I doing to do without Tough Love? Who is going to teach me that my standards are wrong and that I have major character flaws? How can I see women be humiliated on a weekly basis? Never fear. Auditions for Tough Love Season Two are happening now.
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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