dinner is foreplay for city folk
dinner

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Cougar/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

by Oryomai

Today's lesson is truth (what an original theme!). The boys have to write down their darkest secrets for Stacey to read. The two she likes the most get to go on a date with her. Our brilliant cougar reads them aloud and tries to guess who goes with what (with Vivica A. Fox pretending she's interested.) Stacey picks the boy who cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend (Jon) and the boy who went to drug rehab (Ryan.) The twist? Only one of the boys will be coming back from the date!

Stacey continues to show off how young she is by taking the boys indoor sky diving. She takes a moment before each to question the boys on their secrets. Ryan's rehab was for pot? Do people even go to fucking rehab for pot? What a goddamn waste of time. Cheating is apparently one of Stacey's hot buttons. She is shocked. As if this is the most typical secret in the entire world. Stacey decides to let Ryan go because he doesn't ask her a serious question when she gives him the opportunity to ask her anything. The cheater stays. From personal experience...once a cheater, always a cheater.

OHMIGOD!!! She picks a boy to be the first to go to the cougar den!!!! She picked Joe.
We're down down to eight boys. The second challenge is for each of the boys to write (and perform) a love song in 30 minutes for Stacey. I do have a deep love of watching straight boys humiliate themselves. And these boys do not disappoint! We get country, rap, something I would date to say is pop? I'm still rooting for my boy Travis, even though he appears younger and younger with each show (he is only 21). The only one who doesn't make a total ass of himself is Colt (he is a musician), and he wins the date!

The solo date is taking place in a theater (which is soooo fucking awesome!). Oh! Turns out Colt is unemployed. Another surprise! A band is playing a private show for them. This was definitely the best date for Colt. Aw...now a slow dance? Isn't this the stuff that 80s movies are made of?

THE KISS OFF!!! Here's hoping Travis (who was off to a strong start) stays! Yes! He's in, but I think he's barely skating by... Austin runs from the elimination to puke his guts out. Thanks for the audio/visual VH1. What a douchebag. Austin is out! I mean...who would wanna kiss someone that had just puked. David is the other one that is out (we've ethnically cleansed the show now! Yay!).

Stacey is sure that one of these boys is going to capture her heart. That makes one of us.
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Do You Want Fries With That?

By Max Gold, Age 13

There’s a quiet little town, in a world, on about a 78 degrees angle from Venus, about 2389329 miles away from Venus, full of really, really, really fat people. These people loved to eat; they would eat everything, from liver to asparagus, from chocolate to Sticky Cheese, and from Jelly to Jam. Now these people were happy people and no one ever put them down.

Outside Earth, there’s this gigantic space ship. This space ship looks exactly like a hamburger, with seeds every few yards and all. Their salt and pepper guns were loaded, and ready to hit this planet full of fat people (although they the McDonaldians didn‘t know they were fat.) The King Grilled Chicken stood up on the ice cream cone pillar, ready to make a speech.

“Hello My fellow McDonaldians” The King Grilled Chicken said. “Today we march down to earth, and we fight to death!” he screamed.

This got much applause, especially from a Chicken nugget, named Crispy Gangsta. “Yeah let’s show dem homies we gunna pop a soda cap up their-” But he was cut off when the king threw a ketchup packet at him. “Shut it. Now unleash all flamin’ hot sauce!” The King screamed.

Down on Earth all the fat people were having a “we-ate-ten-thousand-pieces-of-chicken-day.” Now as we all know that’s a huge celebration, everyone who’s anyone goes there.

Then, out of nowhere, it started raining salt and pepper. Then the sound of hamburgers the size of pillows ringed in everyone ears. Then… a giant pillow sized hamburger flew down from the sky. It was Crispy Gangsta ready for action.

Unfortunately a boy named Chungy saw Crispy’s ship and got over excited. He ran at the hamburger full force, and swallowed Crispy Gangsta whole. Then he tore that hamburger down and ate the entire thing in five seconds, and wanted more. Then the rest of the space ships came down. In half an hour not one scrap of food was left. Except the mother ship which had landed.

“I come to you humans in peace and hope we can make a fair agreement, and-” but he got cut off when Chungy got a little too hungry. He swallowed the king in one gulp. The poor McDonaldians had no idea what was coming… But the voluptuous folk on the ground sure got a lot of fun out of eating the mother ship.

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