The Cougar/Wednesdays/TVLand

by Oryomai

We have reached the end of an era: the final episode of The Cougar. Stacey has narrowed it down from twenty hotties to the final two: Colt and Jimmy. These are not the two boys that I thought would make it to the final two (sorry Travis), but I'm just a cougar-in-training. Stacey says that she is falling for both boys.

The biggest challenge: Colt and Jimmy meet Stacey's kids. I understand having the two boys meet the older children, but that youngest girl looks like she's about twelve goddamn years old. What the fuck is Stacey's issue? She says that if her kids don't like one of the boys, then it's a total deal breaker? I absofuckinglutely hate people that base their entire lives on what their kids think. Stacey takes her son to help with lunch and leaves the daughters with Colt. In a completely screwed up way, Stacey is treating her son like he's her father. She says that Grant thinks he's the man of the house, and he should feel like that. What the fuck is going on with this family? Colt starts up with his goddamn guitar again. He's really good at it, but he seems like a one-noter. I could see Colt more with the daughter than with Stacy...hmm...I wonder if the daughter would be able to hook up with him once the show is over.

Now its Jimmy's turn. He shows up with food and flowers. He doesn't want the kids to get the wrong impression of him aka the impression everyone else gets: that he's a body without a brain. Quite the body though. Apparently, Jimmy's last girlfriend had two kids. It's the girls' turn to question Jimmy. He definitely seems to cater to the children more than Jimmy did. The youngest daughter asks Jimmy if he's falling in love with Stacey, he says yes but he wants to keep it a secret. Child molester much? Grant takes Jimmy off for their little alone discussion. It's hella awkward watching a 15 year old interrogating a 23 year old about his mom. Jimmy gets along with the children better because he has the same IQ as they do.

Now that Stacey's kids have met both our finalists, it's time for them to discuss them. Stacy has some sort of fucked up relationship with these kids where they're more like her friends/parents than her children. What do these kids know about relationships? That fat daughter is probably a virgin.

Stacey has a last date with each of the boys. Both finalists got along well with the children, so there's no make-or-break on that. Colt and Stacy have a drink, and Colt writes Stacy a song. Again. I like out-of-work musicians just as much as the next lady, but I also like to know that they are able to do something else. Luckily for Colt, Stacey thinks it's endearing. He admits that he's falling in love with her. Stacy's starting to look a bit ragged around the eyes – maybe these 20-somethings are finally getting to her. Jimmy and Stacy have dinner. Jimmy could be quite the little househusband. Oh! He wrote Stacey a note that he follows up by saying he loves her. This boy is playing to win.

The final kiss-off. Thankfully, for the dignity of the boys, she does these separately. Vivica A. Fox wishes them luck and sends them inside. Stacey tells Colt how she feels about him and asks him to kiss her. Stacey loves him, but she's not in love with him. Ouch. Oh thank god...they put a camera in the car so we can watch Colt's heart break. TVLand...do we really need to spend five minutes watching this poor guy cry? Even I think this is in poor taste. Jimmy's turn. The same series of events repeats. He gets the lips! We're treated to some Bittersweet Symphony sounding music while they make out.

What surprises could be left for us Cougar fans? JIMMY PROPOSES!!!! Oooh...that's a nice rock. She says yes!!!! Let this be a lesson to all you skeptics out there: you can find true love by competing on a reality show. The show ends on a soft-focus montage about their history on the show.

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

by Oryomai

The cougar is in Vegas, baby! She's down to the final three boys, and she has a series of dates planned (with the possibility of an overnight stay).

Jimmy goes first. They have some sort of car race in which the cougar totally trounces Jimmy. She compares their relationship to the cars (because she's literary scholar) – they're living life in the fast lane and it could crash! Stacey and Jimmy then go to the casino where he shows he can play a mean game of blackjack which is important in any relationship. They have a classy dinner by the pool. Jimmy talks about how he gets butterflies in his stomach when he sees Stacey...aw. They go to a rose covered room where Jimmy tells Stacey that he thinks that they have everything it takes to make it! They then proceed to make out on the pool table – she likes it. Our cougar is a classy lady.

Travis' date is next. Stacey takes him to a a spa to get wraps and massages. Travis gets to paint the seaweed on her back – every man's dream. Our cougar and Travis head into the steam shower. He says he didn't look at everything, but he should have. Travis says that he doesn't want to hop into a serious relationship since he's so young. What the fuck happened? Did you totally want to blow it? Wait...tell her all that Travis. Gimme a call. He figures out that he totally lost his damn mind at lunch, so he plays the piano. Which he does beautifully. Travis apparently has never been in a real relationship before (which isn't surprising since he's a 21 year old, and all men are douchebags). She invites Travis back up to her room! Oh! Our lady has a bed with a mirror above it.

Colt goes last, but he's the most bad ass at the start. They're taking a helicopter to their date. Colt's a bit nervous about being up in the helicopter, but he's keeping it together pretty well. Colt overcomes his fear of heights with Stacey at his side. They then go to dinner in a private dining room. Stacey invites Colt up to her room for dessert. Oh...burn for Jimmy, huh? Colt tells Stacey that he's starting to fall for her. They decide to go to the hot tub...saucy.

Vivica comes over to the house (because, you know, she and the cougar are BFF) to help Stacey figure out her feelings. Stacey is doubting her decisions, and this is going to be really hard for her. I don't think I would describe rooting through a house of boys like a sorostitute looking for her Plan B on the floor as “soul searching.”

Who will she send home? Who has Stacey decided no longer has a shot at love and isn't there for the love of the Cougar? Colt is called first. He's still in the game! Oh! Either Jimmy or Travis is going home at this point. What is this bitch thinking?! Who is she going to send home?! Jimmy is next. Oh...oh...I'm nervous for Jimmy. OOOOH!!!!!!! HE IS STILL IN THE GAME!!!! My baby Travis is out. Everything was going fine for him until his fucking mother showed up. That goddamn Stepford whore got her boy kicked off.

We're down to our final two. She has a beta boy musician and a smoking hot trainer. Next week, the two remaining boys will be meeting Stacey's children (yes! Finally she's going to exploit them!). I'm putting my money on Jimmy...and my phone number somewhere Travis can find it...

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

2 WEEKS AGO!

Another fabulous week with my new hero. We are now down to the super six. What can the cougar and her handler (aka Vivica A Fox) have in store for us this week? Vivica tells us that two boys will be going home this week.

First challenge! A variation on the kiss-off. Stacey is going to wear a blindfold, and the boys have to kiss her. How in the hell did she get this gig, and where the fuck do I sign up?! We all know that my least favorite part of the show is the kiss-off, so I am less than excited to watch it twice in one episode (I'm so goddamn jealous!). She picks kissers three (Jimmy) and five (Jon). My baby Travis is less than pleased (side note: Stacey...if you don't want him, send him my way!).
Today's first date is a winery; boys and booze sounds like the most perfect afternoon...although I'd prefer Drambuie to wine. While Jimmy has a house outside Napa Valley, Jon looks like he'd prefer a nice jug of Carlo Rossi or a box of Franzia. Stacey makes the boys compete in barrel rolling race to see who gets the first alone time with her. Isn't it nice to know that the relationship games never end? Oh! The personal trainer lost the race..how unfortunate.

Stacey decides not to have the second challenge (oh no! I'm going to wonder what it was) and to go out with Adam and Travis. She takes the boys out to dinner and asks them serious, personal questions. Oh no! Travis wants kids of his own! She's 40, you fuckhead. She asks Adam how many sexual partners he's had, and he refuses to answer. (9). Stacey takes Travis off for some alone time. She needs to boot Adam the fuck off – he's the douchebag twin, and it doesn't matter that he's a twin if there's only one!

Stacey isn't sure that any of the guys are serious, so she gives them a lecture about it. As much as I want to be a cougar some day, I think that Stacey is actually a totally immature bitch. She seems to be too easily damaged by these twenty-somethings. I thought the point of being a cougar was to be in motherfucking control! To sort things out, Stacey takes the boys to the beach. Adam rats out Jon as picking on Travis, the youngest guy in the house. Jon tries to say that Travis came after him. Right.

ELIMINATION TIME! Stacey is really surprised that it's getting more difficult. What the hell can be difficult about picking a nice piece of ass out of a bevy of boys? Oooooh! She eliminated Jon first! YES!!! Travis stays another week! What I'd do that boy... oh...wait...what cougar? Jimmy takes the kiss-off to a whole new level...damn. What the motherfuck? She sends away a perfectly good boy to keep the asshole twin. I hope that she picks that bipolar motherfuck at the end and ends up a miserable shell of a Botoxed whore.

Next week? We meet the boys families. This is always where it gets interesting...

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LAST WEEKS!

By Oryomai

A perennial favorite on reality whoring...dating shows. Stacey gets to meet the family! She lets the boys pick which part of the family she gets to meet (which is better than when Bret Michaels calls your ex-boyfriend that you still live with, so kudos to the cougar).

Travis' mother is the sort of mega-bitch that you might see on Toddlers and Tiaras – there's something super stage mom about her. She starts attacking Stacey right off the bat and seems surprised with the situation. What the fuck? Did you not know that your 21 year old son who's still in school was traveling to go on a dating show to win the love of a woman old enough to be his mother?! Apparently this Real Housewives of Bumfuck Nowhere reject is a bit overbearing about her son.

Jimmy's family is basically the Sopranos. Like...I think the dad put a hit out on her while she was sitting at the table. The mother really likes our cougar (although I think she's a little jealous); the dad is a bit more suspicious. This family is definitely a step-up from the Stepfords in Travis' family. Jimmy gets the honor of going up to the cougar den!!!

Colt's family is up next. Stacey meets his brothers. This seems like a situation that she is more comfortable with – boys in their mid-twenties. During this dinner, Stacey lets on that she's more attracted to Colt than I had thought. After the date, the two breeze in and Colt heads up to the cougar den.

Time for Stacey to meet Adam's family – surprise! She's already knows him...the exiled twin who was kicked off the first night. Adam brought his brother because he didn't think that his parents would be accepting of her. The brother totally turns on Adam – going on the show was his idea. I think that the brother is definitely still attracted to Stacey...which makes for fun TV but awkward life.

Time for the kiss-off! I think Travis might be going home because his mother is a cocksucker. The kiss-off is a bit stressful at this point – there's four boys left, and I'm attached now! Jimmy and Colt both make it through (please, like she'd eliminate the first one at this point! Bitch got thirteen minutes to fill up!). It comes down to Travis and Adam. I reiterate: if she doesn't want Travis, send his fine ass my way. OH! And Travis gets the kiss! She decides that she's going to have a few words with Adam before he goes on his way.

Only three boys left, and who knows who the cougar will pick? Following the VH1 formula to the T, the final three and Stacey are heading to Vegas!!!!

The Cougar/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

by Oryomai

Today's lesson is truth (what an original theme!). The boys have to write down their darkest secrets for Stacey to read. The two she likes the most get to go on a date with her. Our brilliant cougar reads them aloud and tries to guess who goes with what (with Vivica A. Fox pretending she's interested.) Stacey picks the boy who cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend (Jon) and the boy who went to drug rehab (Ryan.) The twist? Only one of the boys will be coming back from the date!

Stacey continues to show off how young she is by taking the boys indoor sky diving. She takes a moment before each to question the boys on their secrets. Ryan's rehab was for pot? Do people even go to fucking rehab for pot? What a goddamn waste of time. Cheating is apparently one of Stacey's hot buttons. She is shocked. As if this is the most typical secret in the entire world. Stacey decides to let Ryan go because he doesn't ask her a serious question when she gives him the opportunity to ask her anything. The cheater stays. From personal experience...once a cheater, always a cheater.

OHMIGOD!!! She picks a boy to be the first to go to the cougar den!!!! She picked Joe.
We're down down to eight boys. The second challenge is for each of the boys to write (and perform) a love song in 30 minutes for Stacey. I do have a deep love of watching straight boys humiliate themselves. And these boys do not disappoint! We get country, rap, something I would date to say is pop? I'm still rooting for my boy Travis, even though he appears younger and younger with each show (he is only 21). The only one who doesn't make a total ass of himself is Colt (he is a musician), and he wins the date!

The solo date is taking place in a theater (which is soooo fucking awesome!). Oh! Turns out Colt is unemployed. Another surprise! A band is playing a private show for them. This was definitely the best date for Colt. Aw...now a slow dance? Isn't this the stuff that 80s movies are made of?

THE KISS OFF!!! Here's hoping Travis (who was off to a strong start) stays! Yes! He's in, but I think he's barely skating by... Austin runs from the elimination to puke his guts out. Thanks for the audio/visual VH1. What a douchebag. Austin is out! I mean...who would wanna kiss someone that had just puked. David is the other one that is out (we've ethnically cleansed the show now! Yay!).

Stacey is sure that one of these boys is going to capture her heart. That makes one of us.

The Cougar/TV Land/ Wednesdays

by Oryomai

(Full disclosure: I'm kind of sick right now...most likely swine flu. So if this review isn't as razor sharp as my others, I apologize.)

The cougar struts down the stairs in a sequined top more fitted to the Chicken Ranch as opposed to a classy dating show. TALENT SHOW TIME!!! Public humiliation is a big theme on reality dating shows right now. The boys all have to think of a talent off the top of their heads. The first guy does a Borat impression. The white guy does a rap about Wisconsin. My favorite is the boy who handcuffs her and does a little lap dance. But that seems to be more my style than hers. She doesn't pick people that are particularly talented in a conventional sense. Thankfully, the testosterone is starting to make an appearance. I'm pretty sure the competitions from here on out won't be as friendly...

Stacey takes the boys who won the talent show out salsa dancing. The guys take this chance to ask her about her family (but oddly, no one asks her about her children). Austin yelled "green light" when he got a kiss. What a total tool. The guys seem to be having trouble related to an older woman. Stacey is, for some reason, completely serious about this show. She doesn't seem to understand that this is a reality dating show in which she embarasses herself on national television for my amusement. This is not the time for your epiphany.

Our cougar is just as big a glutton for punishment as the ladies of Tough Love: she decides to have the boys pick her out an outfit to wear. Oh...just when I thought that the most humiliating heterosexual male activity was buying a 40 year old woman a gift, it turns out that there's one better! Travis shows just how young he is by putting on one of the dresses. Nothing like mocking gender relations to bring in the audience. Stacey puts on a little fashion show for Vivica A. Fox. The winner of the one-on-one date is JOE! He picked a dress that makes her look a little bit like a cast-off from Pretty Woman.

Now that we've seen the entire group humiliate themselves by choosing dresses, we get to watch the winner make a total asshole of himself at a classy restaurant! Joe gets carded before the gets the wine. Was it really necessary to show that? The waitress brings over escargot (which is totally fucking gross...there are enough animals that I don't need to eat bugs). Joe actually handles himself very well -- he's definitely the most refined of the guys. He loves foie gras and can tell wine by smell. He's a man of many talents. Stacey brings up her kids -- and tells Joe that the oldest is older than him (he's older by a few months actually). I'm really surprised that Joe is doing so well in this situation. I was looking forward to watching him act like a dick. Oh well. I'm sure there will be time in the future.

Time for the third kiss-off! She is sending three boys home. Wow...the cougar is really devouring these boys. This is definitely a short-run show. I'm hoping for my fav, Travis! This whole premise of the "kiss-off," aside from being kinda gross, is too fucking long. There's twenty minutes left in the show, and I have to watch her suck face with a wonderland of boys?! YES! TRAVIS IS IN! The boys never have any drama in their eliminations. We need to get Pumkin and New York in here stat! Even though I *love* this show, I have a tendency to zone out during the kiss-offs...they're a bit drawn out. I'm pretty sure that Vivica A Fox is a drag queen though...those earrings, the fierceness, and the love of younger boys.

There are now nine boys left. Continue to watch as a 40 year old woman pretends that the search for true love ends on reality TV.

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

by Oryomai

Hello cougar-lovers! Previously, we eliminated five of the guys. Now it's time to get into the details of the reality show that we all know and love (dates, moving into the house, cliques, shirtless hotties). I have absolutely no clue what the hell Vivica A. Fox is doing on this show.

First challenge: the boys get five minutes to act as Stacy's "personal trainer." I'm not sure why we're working out, but I know that there are 15 shirtless hotties. I'm not entirely sure that our cougar even gives a damn about the emotional connection with the boys. Travis (my favorite from the last episode) isn't really that good at it. One guy admits that he's a "cougar virgin." What the fuck are these people talking about? The five winners are Travis (yes!!!!), Adam, Colt, Brian, and Tom. Stacey likes herself some beta.

The first date of the season is a roller skating rink. OMG! Stacey has to send one of the boys home right from the date. I cannot think of a better place than the skating rink to try to have serious discussions about what people want in life. Travis cuts into another guy's time to give the cougar a teddy bear he won in the claw machine. He is *good*. (Full disclosure: anyone I like on a show usually gets booted right quick.) OMG!!!! Mini-kiss off at the skating rink! Tom is eliminated -- most likely due his cougar virginity.

What could the next twist be? STACEY'S BIRTHDAY!! The big four-oh. Two of the cougar's best friends show up to help her decide about the boys. The next challenge is for the boys to find her a gift. The prize? The very first one-on-one date! I don't know if there is anything more tragic than heterosexual males in their twenties shopping for a gift. No pressure on the gifts or anything, but she hates it you can probably just get the fuck out. One of the guys goes a little too sexual with the card -- she's shocked! Everyone knows that you go on a reality show to find true love not just gratuitous groping with implied sex! The winner of the solo date is Jon.

On their date, Jon asks her about her personal life. He becomes the first person to ask her if she has any kids. Jon seems shocked that she has four kids (she's got the Kathy Griffin bangin' bikini bod). Stacy's friends seem to really like the boys in the house. Tensions are (finally!) starting to rise among the men. I'm looking forward to a really fierce drunken frat boy fight. I've seen far too many pathetic cat fights (Megan kicking Brandi M in the stomach?) The surprise party fades into the second (major) kiss-off.

Stacey is sending two of our boys home. The cougar seems to be seriously upset by eliminations now -- imagine what fucking hot mess this bitch is gonna be come the end! I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if one person in that house has herpes. Stacey's kisses everyone...

YES!! TRAVIS IS SAFE THIS WEEK!!! The first guy to go is JD. Stacey is not into poetry or shy boys apparently. Jim is the other boy to go -- she doesn't think that she has a connection with him. He seems like a total dick though (reminds me of my ex actually.)

And so we end another thrilling episode of the Cougar. Who will she choose? When is everyone going to find out that she has four kids (one of whom is older than some of the boys)? Who's going to be first guy to get drunk and whip it out? I, for one, cannot wait to find out!

The Cougar/ Premiere Episode/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

The Cougar…a show after my own heart (full disclosure: I plan on becoming a cougar at the point when it wouldn't make me a child molester). Nothing says fierce quite like a hot piece of young male arm candy. I wasn't aware that cougarism was a "cultural phenomenon," but I am thrilled to help Vivica Fox beat down the double standard.

Our cougar seems to be ripped from Desperate Housewives or possibly one of the older rejects from Rock of Love. The amount of botox on her face might be enough to poison all 20 boys there. The boys she's bringing to the mansion are a welcome batch of eye candy in the world of STD laden ladies of VH1 (Hotlanta, I don't believe that was a pimple. That was herpes.) Isn't it amazing that these mansions appear out of the woodwork for reality shows? Do the owners spray them down to attempt to rid them of Chlamydia after?

The downside to this show could be how incredibly fucking stupid boys in their 20s are (one guy tells her she "has the right to remain delicious.") If those are their best lines, this is gonna be a long show. We start the show off by having the men line up to try and wow this cougar with their best first impressions. The first boy pops a bottle of champers and says he's sharing one of his first legal drinks with our cougar.

Oh!!!! THERE ARE TWINS!!!! Fuck yes.

The huddle of hunks is like driving through Oakland in the morning during the warm weather -- sexy boys every which way you turn. Champers boy (Travis) wins the first impressions challenge. And it took all of 26 minutes for a boy to strip and dive in the pool. Yes please. We spend the rest of the episode watching the cougar meet the boys. You can watch it on mute.

Don't worry -- we have all the male stereotypes. There's the twins. The unemployed but loveable beta male. The ex-Marine. The bartender. The shy guy. You want it in a 20-something male, this show has got it. Now, I know what you're thinking, what cheesy gimmick if the cougar going to use to show the men they get to stay in the house? Keys, champers, clocks, backstage passes? She becomes the classiest of all: the kiss off. If you get the lips you stay, the cheek you go. Who will she eliminate -- the twin? The military veteran? I think it's against the Patriot Act to kick him off right away The unemployed but lovable beta male? As we all know, the first people off a show are completely forgetable and we don't know who they are on reunion shows.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! She eliminated one of the twins!!! DOES SHE NOT KNOW THAT IT IS EVERYONE'S FANTASY TO HAVE TWINS?!?!?! Apparently, the cougars have not kept up with how awesome the beta males are, and our beta-est beta is sent home as well.

Overall, this show attempts to be a classy version of all the reality dating shows we know and love. Travis (champers boy) is my early favortite. He's got a little beta in him, and I like that. This first episode was basically meet the eye candy. The “serious” competition is forthcoming.

- Oryomai