Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesday

by Oryomai

Omg, another week with Paris! What can she possibly do after the world's biggest cupcake?! Thank god she eliminated the fat girl last week – someone might have made her eat something.

This week starts off with a video of Paris on the oven. She tells the BFFs that they're hosting a dinner for her friends and family. If she has friends, why the fuck does she need this show? Paris sends them to a nice restaurant to learn manners from a French chef. The nicest place some of these girls have been is probably the Olive Garden on the bad side of town. And not a goddamn one of them can understand the French accent. I expected it from the girls, but I'm disappointed in the gay. The French chef trots out the favorite torture food of the rich – escargot.

Obligatory Onch moment! Gaysian in sparkly pink raincoat and a tiara. Bitch, who needs to win when you're on the whole second season?

The BFFs have to cook for Paris. They decide to cook duck. They bought a frozen duck. I'm no master of the kitchen, but I think I would've checked to see if I had to gut anything before I bought it. Paris shows up with two hotties partway through the cooking. They're moving into the house today, and they're new competitors! What the fuck Paris?! Everyone starts to freak out because there are (apparently) straight boys in the house. My vote's on the gay getting both of them.

Paris – we need to have a little offsides discussion. Why are we inviting straight boys? You have ladies and a gay. We all know straight boys – if they're not putting it in you, they're a waste of space.

Back to the show: The straight boy is roller blading around in a Speedo. Thankyouverymuch.

Dinner party time! One of the appetizers is french fries. What the fuck. They make duck with a mandarin orange glaze. It does not go over well...to quote Paris “disgusting.” The ladies are not impressed with the new straight boys. I don't even want to listen to them speak. I listen to Paris Hilton tell people they need to be less superficial.

Paris decides to ask the BFFs questions about their lives. She has looked in their files, so she wants to see if they lie. We get through the first few BFFs without anyone lying. Go team. Caitlin is the first one to lie – she's been with a friend's boyfriend. Stephanie just bursts into tears because she's a lame, miserable whore. Paris decides not to put someone up for discussion after the dinner.

Elimination time, bitches!!! Oh no! Caitlin, Chris, and David are all up for discussion! Those straight boys just got there, lady. Paris...this show has so little eye candy. Please don't send it all away! Time to confront Caitlin for being a slutbag road whore. She admitted it during casting but decided to lie to Paris. She should be eliminated for being a fucking moron. Paris decides to let Tinkerbell pick who's going home. Paris is an even bigger fucking moron.

Chris goes home because the dog doesn't like him. That's a big fuck you, Paris. Thanks for teasing me with eye candy and then taking it away. I was enjoying a half naked straight man roller blading.

The teaser for next week? Paris sends the BFFs to jail so they can see what it was like for her. It's so hard being her!

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

We have made it through one entire episode in the BFF mansion. Paris sent home two of the ladies last time – who will go tonight?

Onch comes in dressed like the tooth fairy for some reason. The potentials are greed to a 7.5 foot tall cupcake. Apparently, Paris' idea of a challenge is a whacked out Willy Wonka wet dream. The BFFs have to dive into the largest cupcake in the world to find three eggs. While they're looking, Paris starts throwing chocolate onto the girls. Caitlin's egg had a friendship ring. Desiree's egg had a coupon for an exotic dance from Onch. We get to watch as Onch gives her a lap dance which ends with him licking her ass. Katie's egg has the coupon to decide to be up for discussion – she puts Desiree up for discussion. It turns into a cupcake filled cat fight! Paris picks a new pet – she picks Katie! She is possibly the dumbest person on this show. She has a knock off Amy Winehouse beehive.

Katie has to style the other BFFs for the challenge. Katie wears tutus. The boy describes her style as Amy Winehouse riding on the back of a My Little Pony into Disneyland. And I can totally see it! It's sort of like she looked at normal people fashion and the signal got crossed while going through the beehive. The potential BFFs are headed to the salon! Paris is not impressed by what Katie did to her house mates. Paris teaches us the valuable lesson: The outside is just as important as the inside.

OMG! Makeovers for the Miss Paris pageant!! This time, she tells the BFFs that they get to pick their own style and Paris will judge it. While Nicole is trying on the frilliest dress ever, the gay stylist is gossiping with the boy BFF about her. Katie freaks out when Nicole decides to get neon colors in her hair as well.

OMG!!! SANTINO IS THE SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE!!!!! The girls walk down the red carpet and then have to answer a pageant question. Katie comes out looking like a complete and total train wreck – she wears some sort of knock-off Betsy Johnson monstrosity. Nicole completely and totally fails at the challenge. The winner of the Miss Paris pageant is Amanda. I, for one, am so thrilled that Paris is teaching the young ladies of America that how you look outside is just as important (if not more important) than what is on the inside.

Elimination time! The two people up for discussion (in addition to Desirae) are Nicole and Kristen. While the losers fret at the house, Katie and Amanda gossip about the other BFFs during their mani/pedi date. The BFFs aren't too sympathetic to Nicole's major faux pas. Paris puts Katie up for discussion because of the fashion disasters and how she didn't talk. Desirae is safe for the time being – she takes Katie's seat. Paris tells Nicole to stop being such an airhead (does no one else find it ironic that Paris Hilton is telling someone not to be an airhead?!). It's down to silicone Katie and kinda fat Kristen. Paris sends both of them home!!!! Katie then proceeds to cuss out Paris. That's not hot.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

Omg. I am totally traumatized that Britney and Paris didn't last as friends! Who knew that competing for someone's friendship on national television wouldn't work out? Apparently, these 12 remaining bitches. We get the priviledge of watching how rich people decide who's really their friend (I wonder who Nicole Ritchie beat out...).

First, we move in into the BFF mansion! Luckily, Onch (our fabulous Gaysian from season one) is there to help the ladies along. This week, we're going to learn about sisterhood. Thank the gods Paris is such a philosopher. Paris splits the ladies into two teams – Leather and Lace. Before we can start the festivities, the ladies need to suit the fuck up. Among other things, this show highlights the complete and total couture (and intellectual) tragedy that is Paris Hilton. Onch's “thing” is that he dresses like a Harajuku girl, but Paris is supposed to be fashionable.

Paris makes the ladies do shots of liquor mixed with caviar and anchovies. Gross. Although I imagine with a few drinks in her, Paris will throw anything in her mouth. Timecia pukes but still ends up as the pet. Fabulous. We need to start out with a stereotypical black girl on this show – Paris' show ends up a bit white.

Challenge! Sisters Before Misters! (As someone who's been Bros Before Hos-d before, it's totally lame). Paris decides to throw her friend a bachelor party and unleash the potential BFFs on the friends. For some reason, Paris did not predict the craziness that would ensue. It's probably due to the mass amounts of alcohol and silicone mixing. How'd the ladies do? Just as well as you'd imagine someone who wants to be friends with the herpes mess that is Paris Hilton. Highlights: Monica just ends up flashing her snatch all over the party, and Arika makes out with the guy who's getting married.

Paris totally freaks out at the make out. She completely blames Arika and doesn't seem to care about the boy at all. Completely reinforcing my theory of Paris as the ultimate anti-feminist (next to that cunt Tinkerbell). In, what I consider to be a brilliant piece of humiliation, she makes Arika walk by all the other contestants in a walk of shame. At the end, she presents Arika with the fiancee of the guy she made out with! She also makes Arika tell the fiancee that. For Paris' amusement, we get to watch a girl's heart break in half. Ya know...maybe I have more in common with Paris than I thought... Scary thought. Thought over.

Time for eliminations. OMG! Paris has the Lady Gaga hair bow! I'm not sure how this makes me feel about eliminations, but I'm definitely enjoying it more. Paris does her usual spiel about how much a BFF means to her (which is hilarious for someone who has a fucking show for it!). Even though Kaitlin is a total fake bitch, she sends home Arika because she made out with someone's fiance. Good lord! Paris eliminates Monica pulling a LiLo and showing us that firecrotch. Is Paris planning on having more than four episodes of this show? Bitch needs to lay off the eliminations!

So what did we learn this week? Paris hates the girls involved in drunken make outs, if you can puke up your shot and get back in the game you're golden, and she thinks that tutus are appropriate attire. What the fuck, Paris?

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Veronica Wilks

I admit, despite going through “hard news” journalism school, I am in no way an unbiased journalist when it comes to reviewing anything involving Paris Hilton. I’m pretty sure the world would be just fine without her, and the only thing she was involved in that I can favorably review is the episode of Southpark that based a storyline around her. It was called “Stupid Spoiled Cunt.” So…there’s my disclaimer.

In the second season of this show, contestants compete to be Paris’ new best friend. It’s your standard reality show contestants: deluded, pathetic, seeking 15 minutes of fame. OK fine. But can’t they do it with dignity on The Bad Girls Club? Bending before the throne of a woman whose greatest achievement is…oh wait…there isn’t one…is beyond worthless. Like Paris, these people have no talent, personality, or skills to speak of. Many of the contestants look alike, and are former strippers or cocktail waitresses, so it’s impossible (and pointless) to remember who each one is.

Even if I let all that go, the format of the show really annoyed me because Paris’s parts were so scripted. And she’s not an actress. Watching her recite lines about “what it really takes to impress me” or what’s “just creepy” made me hate her even more. Is it really so hard to just talk like a normal person? Does some poor MTV intern really need to make cue cards with phrases like, “Now, we’re going to see how they act when they think I’m not around”?

The show follows a standard “perform in a competition and then be judged and cast off” format. This week, they had to do something for “Show and Tell”…to show and tell Paris how much they loved her. What an awesome display of creepiness for the sake of ego! There’s no way to do well in that competition, which explains why Paris hated them all. But when you’re trying to imitate and impress a hateful person, the result is going to be pretty much hateful.

Paris also went undercover and posed as a contestant to see how they behaved when they thought they were alone. No big change: they were still just idiots! And even with a black wig on, so was she.

Even with MTV’s six minute commercial breaks, this show was too long. If I go to hell, I expect the devil to subtract 30 minutes. I did my time with Paris.