Abbey, by New Belgium / Aisle 1.5, the 6-pack cooler / $1.50

by Mitch LeClair

Every good young man’s life should include a semi-solitary night of garden planting, delicious beer, and a freshly rolled American Spirit natural tobacco cigarette. For this lucky writer, tonight was my night.

As I write this review, I sit in my above-hot living room here in weatherly anomalous South Dakota. For the previous week, we Dakotans have experienced quite varied weather, ranging from funnel cloud-inducing thunderstorms, to 50 degree nights, to yesterday’s high of 94. Sometimes a person needs a sort of leveler, a balance in his or her life. New Belgium’s Abbey became such a balance for my life this evening.

It’s a dark beer, but not overpowering or stimulating overloads of saliva in one’s mouth. I’m a guy who likes porters and various other, almost oily dark beers, but on a hot summer night I just don’t want such a thing. Because of this, I was a little skeptical of what Abbey’s bottle proclaims is a “Belgium Ale,” label complete with tulip glass full of a dark, thick looking substance.

However, after one drink, I knew I was safe. This isn’t your typical dark beer, in that it leaves a strong aftertaste, yet it doesn’t leave a drinker grabbing for a chaser. Or a peanut butter sandwich. All I want is more.

Unfortunately, I’m poor, and I could only afford one $1.50 bottle from our local municipal liquor store. (Yeah, our town controls the license heavily. This community of approximately 12,000 in Brookings has only one option in spirit purchases, though the prices of beer and wine aren’t too bad, so I can’t gripe too much.)

New Belgium Brewery recently introduced an a small sampling of its brews to our town. They graced us with Fat Tire - my #1 beer, ever - Mothership Wit, and 1554 just last month. They haven’t been able to distribute to South Dakota previous to this primary round of deliveries.

I like to think a visit by me, my former roommate, his dad, and our friend to the brewery in Fort Collins last summer, and all the hassling over availability issues that ensued, had something to do with their ability to bring us such wonderful brews in our relatively desolate area. Either way, I saw My Morning Jacket and The Black Keys at Red Rocks Amphitheatre that weekend, so I’m content.

But, back to the beer. Right now, I’m about 4/5 done with my glass of Abbey, wishing there was more, wishing this Edgar Winter Group album would get past this cheesy shit and get to on Frankenstein, fucking soon.

I didn’t realize that they made “Free Ride” before my new roommate brought over the vinyl with the rest of his stuff. I thought it was Foghat, then he reminded me they made “Slow Ride.” Oh the things you’ll know.

I can’t think of a decent metaphor to describe the taste of Abbey. I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get after you’re finally buzzed at a shitty wedding dance. A wash of flavor, but not enough to make a person nervous around his or her parents. Or high-quality wine drunk, quickly.

Go get one, if New Belgium delivers to you. Or if you’re ever in the Midwest, pick up one of these fantastic beers, and be sure to follow the brewery’s advice: keep it cool, never cold.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesday

by Oryomai

Omg, another week with Paris! What can she possibly do after the world's biggest cupcake?! Thank god she eliminated the fat girl last week – someone might have made her eat something.

This week starts off with a video of Paris on the oven. She tells the BFFs that they're hosting a dinner for her friends and family. If she has friends, why the fuck does she need this show? Paris sends them to a nice restaurant to learn manners from a French chef. The nicest place some of these girls have been is probably the Olive Garden on the bad side of town. And not a goddamn one of them can understand the French accent. I expected it from the girls, but I'm disappointed in the gay. The French chef trots out the favorite torture food of the rich – escargot.

Obligatory Onch moment! Gaysian in sparkly pink raincoat and a tiara. Bitch, who needs to win when you're on the whole second season?

The BFFs have to cook for Paris. They decide to cook duck. They bought a frozen duck. I'm no master of the kitchen, but I think I would've checked to see if I had to gut anything before I bought it. Paris shows up with two hotties partway through the cooking. They're moving into the house today, and they're new competitors! What the fuck Paris?! Everyone starts to freak out because there are (apparently) straight boys in the house. My vote's on the gay getting both of them.

Paris – we need to have a little offsides discussion. Why are we inviting straight boys? You have ladies and a gay. We all know straight boys – if they're not putting it in you, they're a waste of space.

Back to the show: The straight boy is roller blading around in a Speedo. Thankyouverymuch.

Dinner party time! One of the appetizers is french fries. What the fuck. They make duck with a mandarin orange glaze. It does not go over well...to quote Paris “disgusting.” The ladies are not impressed with the new straight boys. I don't even want to listen to them speak. I listen to Paris Hilton tell people they need to be less superficial.

Paris decides to ask the BFFs questions about their lives. She has looked in their files, so she wants to see if they lie. We get through the first few BFFs without anyone lying. Go team. Caitlin is the first one to lie – she's been with a friend's boyfriend. Stephanie just bursts into tears because she's a lame, miserable whore. Paris decides not to put someone up for discussion after the dinner.

Elimination time, bitches!!! Oh no! Caitlin, Chris, and David are all up for discussion! Those straight boys just got there, lady. Paris...this show has so little eye candy. Please don't send it all away! Time to confront Caitlin for being a slutbag road whore. She admitted it during casting but decided to lie to Paris. She should be eliminated for being a fucking moron. Paris decides to let Tinkerbell pick who's going home. Paris is an even bigger fucking moron.

Chris goes home because the dog doesn't like him. That's a big fuck you, Paris. Thanks for teasing me with eye candy and then taking it away. I was enjoying a half naked straight man roller blading.

The teaser for next week? Paris sends the BFFs to jail so they can see what it was like for her. It's so hard being her!

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

Another week, another chance to watch New York humiliate herself on national television. This week, New York is going to be a fast food worker. Seriously? What the motherfuck VH1? Do you have any idea what the hell fast food workers make? And some stupid cunt might make ten grand for showing up for the day? How is that even fair?! … I'm gonna get off my soap box and review the show now.

First task: food prep. New York has to wash potatoes. She has to clean each of them separately. How can she fuck this shit up? Um...I'm not sure that she's washing them off. She's pulling them out of the water and putting them on the counter. That's not sanitary, is it? New York decides the best course of action is to start flirting with the assistant manager. He doesn't give a damn. Big fail on that.

Next: food. The cook is showing New York how to make cheeseburgers. They actually look kinda good. I would be wary of earing anything that New York had touched. Goddamn, that bitch ain't even wearing gloves! She probably has herpes on her hand from touching Flav's crotch. She burns her hand and runs away from the stove while there are a bunch of people waiting for their food. I wonder what this third world immigrant cook thinks of this rich black ho who can't figure out how to cook. Another big fail.

Last task: customer service. Well, New York is the HBIC. She should be able to handle these whiny customers. New York cannot figure out how to order the food. She's easily confused. She can't find any of the buttons or figure out how to work the cash register. She is the stupidest person I have ever seen. You know, everyone has been made fun of fast food workers once in a while, but New York makes them look like goddamn rocket scientists. They frown upon you saying “peace out” at the drive-thru. She is just the most pathetic and stupid human being that has ever walked the face of this Earth. This one white trash bitch in the line is honking like crazy. This white girl orders a veggie burger and a lemonade...goddamn hippie whore. New York calls her a bitch...the woman can hear through the glass. That's not good. Another fail.

Decision time...? Is there much of a decision to be made? She completely failed at every single task that was put before her. Teenagers and retirees can do this job, and New York cannot hold it together for one day. Does anyone actually believe that she can hold down a real job? This was the most pathetic shit show that I have ever witnessed. To no one's surprise, New York doesn't get the money.

Finally – a twist in the show! New York is a pro boxer, and we get to pick who she fights. Mr. Boston (of I Love New York “fame”), Bryan (the jagbag* from the pig farmer episode), or Pumkin (the bitch that spit on New York during Flavor of Love). I know this, I would not want to get in the ring with a crazy bitch with an axe to grind.

*Jagbag = jagoff douchebag

NYC Prep/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

By Lauren Rara

So basically, even as the show just rolled through its opening credits, I realized that this is pretty much the real life account of those tweeny Gossip Girl books.

Just to preface, all of these kids look like hairy monkies that swallowed lemons and were given the opportunity to dress like people for their television debut. Their personalities only make it worse.

The first two Preparatory School Seniors we meet are Jesse, the blonde girl. And PC the douche. The two meet up because they're nervous about college and apparently the big prestige of Prep school is getting into some great schools. PC thinks since they're wealthy a few strings can get tugged here and there. Jesse wants to just get it to get it, she doesn't want mommy 'n daddy to do it for her. But, I'm sure that's not true, and I'm sure she's just saying it while there's a camera in her face.

So PC sits in a large armchair in a really tight suit and something about his face just beckons me to want to punch it silly. He says that he was born in raised in the upper east side and you would never guess by his general pinched face and ugly attitude.

While Jesse, the girl, (not to be confused with Jesse's girl) talks fashion, I notice that her eyes are far too close together and she looks a bit like a flounder (both eyes on one side of its head). Anyway, Jesse is such a fashionista that she even has her own personal Barney's shopper.

Back to the date (Where PC is drinking a beer and I'm not sure how) the duo talk about the charity work they'll have to do to look good for schools. Jesse wants to get involved more with Operation Smile which helps middle Eastern kids with cleft palates. Kite Runner, much? Anyway, PC thinks this is a waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Like, what if we run out of Yves St. Laurent hair gel? Or maybe his pants will properly fit him instead of bulging his baby package for all to see?

Kelli is 16 and lives on the upper east side. She wants to sing. She's decent, I guess. Sounds like something on the N's Degrassi. Like any normal 16 year old, she and her brother (18) live together in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. Family comes in once a week to check in, but other than that they live in the Hamptons. Kelli's tiny face boasts that she doesn't do work, she doesn't do school work and all she and her brother do are go out with friends and party hardy all the time. She says she's glad to be independent, but I feel bad for her because independent doesn't mean living off of mommy and daddy and proverbially sneaking out the window.

While Kelli's out to dinner with her friend Megan, Sebastian shows up. He's also 16 and swallowed similar PC lemons. He likes to chase women, and I haven't been sixteen in 5 years (or straight) but..wtf?! He looks like a surfer cum Monkee cum Tool Academy Drop out cum Pan from Narnia. I guess, to young men everywhere, STIs are STIs and he shall wear them like a badge of honor. FOR NARNIA!

Camille looks like she'd be a Camille. She's rather annoying and loud like a boisterous, starving artist theatre major type. In her bubbly, articulate, annoying tone she explains that she will attend Harvard, get a high powered exec. Job, get a husband and have 2 girls. I'm reminded of a movie I saw once … Village of the Damned. Where all the children had these dark, scary expressions and tried to control your mind. I think that's what Camille is. Currently, she's fretting about SAT scores and finds out via blackberry that she did pretty well, but she could achieve a perfect score. All she's worrying about now is getting some community service hours and just needs some breathing room!

Taylor goes to the public school but has a lot of prep school friends. Even though she doesn't go to the same school, she is obsessed with having the status and all that. To serve this point further, in a scene where she is sitting on the couch at home with her mom she just outright “TELLS” her mom she's having a party…not asks, TELLS. She's so snarky and annoying that I'm not sure why mama spared the rod. Clearly she spoiled the child though. Yes, I went there.

Sebastian and Kelli head downtown to do some shopping since they both love fashion. Sebastian knows he could get her as his gee-eff, but he doesn't want to because he feels like he needs to be free as a bird in his ripe old age. Anyway, Camille calls Kelli about Taylor's party and Sebastian agrees to come with.

Taylor's happy to host instead of party hop. Since houseparties in NYC are just about unheard of, Tay has it at a Japanese restaurant. The guest list consists of both public and private school kids. Kelli and Camille feel out of place and throw each other pouty looks of disapproval because the kids are talking poorly about private school kids. Well, Sebastian shows up and starts flirting with the hostess, sending Camille and Kelli packing because K can't stand the sight of her hairy boi flirting it up with another brunette. Oh no she didn'! It looks like Kelli might even be crying!

Jesse meets up for dinner with her old pal Zoe who talk about fashion because they love fashion because fashion RULEZ. Anyway, they also talk about Jesse and PC and we learn that the two used to date long ago (when they were 14) but it didn't work out so now they're just best friends. Sniff, sniff…what's that smell? DRAMA?! You said it.

PC and Jesse go together to the art and fashion event. Jesse is looking for opportunities with Project Smile and PC just seems to be standing there with his usual sullied expression.

PC sees Kelli and Camille and thinks Kelli is cute and thus gets her number. Jesse hates this and just looks on with a look of sheer disgust and the two younger Juniors just avert her gaze. Jesse has a bitchy reputation. But I think she's actually a bitch so... no biggie. Why the hell Jesse is upset with PC's talking to the other two… thinks that they already have enough friends and don't need more. There's that WE card again. I'm pretty sure you and PC are separate entities, Jess. Otherwise, YEESH. They couldn't put the two of you as one person on the air.

PC is going to have dinner with Kelli. Jesse thinks it's stupid, but PC doesn't really care what she thinks. Ah, the tempo of the show. PC and Jesse have an upscale “Brit and K-Fed” vibe to them. Pretty soon she's going to be commando, driving her Bentley with her teacup poodle not properly strapped into his doggy seat.

Sebastian's passion is hooking up with other girls, because apparently this is a big part of prep school. Gabe is his wing man and also another giraffe-like rich boy with money making up for the beating of the ugly fairy. So the two of them are running game and hair flipping their way to true love. They're on a double date and Sebastian's smooth French talk seems to woo his date, Remy. She thinks he's really hot and that it's SO COOL that he's telling her he wants to marry her in French and all that. I would be thoroughly freaked out if I sat down for Pommes Frites and got Sebastian spewing French at me. Maybe she'll convince him to pluck his brows and manscape a little.

PC sets up dinner with Kelli and is pissed that Camille is there. Kelli basically says to get over it and Camille is there with an angle. She wants to get into some charity work and since Jesse is really into Operation Smile she wants her good graces. Heavens. PC asks the girls what they're doing this weekend and Kelli says that she's grounded. He asks them if they're twelve and Camille offhandedly comments that PC's comment was abrasive. Of course that sets the little twerp off and he thinks they're bitches that act like they know it all.

PC and Jesse go out for drinks. Once again, this is Gossip Girl. I vaguely remember Blair and Serena having cosmos at the Waldorf Astoria. But, at any rate. Jesse says she wants to set PC up, but he wants no girls that are just like him. Chuck Bass anyone? GAYGAYGAY. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, Jesse reminds him that it's not all about him and PC retorts by throwing a water bottle at her. Freaking out, the blonde fishy leaves and PC calls her a massive cunt. Somehow I see him in 5-6 years in the news for slicing strippers' throats in D.C. or cutting people's faces off to wear.

PC then apologizes to Jesse via Blackburry and the two of them make up. He says he loves her. Maybe he'll get an HJ now.

Sree’s/Pittsburgh, PA/Indian

by Robert Isenberg

Sreevardhan Mekala has dark skin, a big smile, and an unflappable mustache. He looks both relaxed and eager at the same time, like an aikido instructor, and his low voice sings in welcoming: “Khelp you, sir?” There isn’t much small-talk with Sree, but the moment he pours steaming tomato dal over a bed of basmati rice, you feel a certain kinship. You are poor, and Sree offers cheap, delicious food. Your lunch-break is brief, and Sree is the master of efficiency. Sree’s is a Hyderabadi quickie: Wham, bam, thank you kitchen-wallah.

Sree has quite the résumé – raised in Hyderabad, earned his Masters in India, became a biologist and researched for the Pittsburgh Oncology Center. According to legend, Sree’s wife, Vydehi Mekala, used to do marketing, but she tired of all the travel and paperwork. “But I don’t mind cooking 12 to 16 hours a day,” she told her husband. It may sound like a chauvinist fantasy, where a wife turns away from a high-profile job to toil over a burner, and customers call her “Mrs. Sree” instead of her real name. And Sree has also forfeited his career in medical science to a run a store, exchanging one stereotype for another. But when you meet them, none of this seems to matter. They clearly love to serve food. And they love to do it fast.

The moment you enter Sree’s, you are caught in a current of activity: You join a line and peruse the menu, which only offers five different items. The items change daily, but you’re choice is limited – on Tuesday, it’s Tamarind chicken, mixed-veggie tofu, chickpea potato, grape leaves curry, and broccoli with lentils. If you go vegetarian, you get three items; if chicken, you get a vegetable side. That’s it. Sree says hello and takes your order, and within 35 seconds, he ladles rice, chicken, dal and a piece of unleavened bread into a Styrofoam container, seals the container and rings you up. Within a minute, you have a $5 lunch and 50¢ can of soda. There are no individual tables, per se, just a ring of tables pressed against the wall; diners are forced to sit next to each other, like drunks at a dive bar. Napkins are paper towels torn from a freestanding roll; silverware is disposable plastic, stuffed into cubbyholes. A standard-issue Sree’s meal will fill you up in 15 minutes flat, leaving 35 minutes of lunch-break to mill around Downtown.

If you come alone – and most people do – Sree’s is the ultimate place to people-watch. It’s not easy; the layout forces you to stare at a blank wall, away from the other diners, but if you take the time to covertly crane your neck, you’ll see every type of customer: High-powered attorneys meeting between court-cases; Point Park students loudly bitching about their stupid dance coach; and a small army of bike-couriers sucking up rice and curry in a desperate attempt to replenish calories. The great equalizer is the can of Pepsi or Mountain Dew; despite Sree’s commitment to healthy, authentic Indian cuisine, chai never makes a cameo.

Not everyone like Sree’s, or even Sree himself. “He used to order large batches of samosas,” recalls a waiter at Peoples, one of Pittsburgh’s most beloved Indian restaurants. “Samosas are really hard to make. It’s slow, tedious work. And Sree would buy them from us so he wouldn’t have to make them himself, and then he’d mark up the price. So it was low labor, high profit. We got tired of it, so we don’t sell them to him anymore.” The waiter pauses. “But other than that, he’s a really nice guy.”

And it's true: Whatever his minor trespasses, Sree's has become a local institution, where hundreds of disparate diners visit every afternoon to feast on low-fat goodness. Sree's cuisine is so popular that there is a satellite restaraunt -- a little red "food-truck" -- parked on Carnegie-Mellon's campus, and students line up for the window, their ulges bulging with hunger.

Pittsburgh is said to boast a conspicuously large number of Indian-Americans, as measured against the city’s total population. Given how many Indian restaurants there are – a half-dozen in Oakland, the city’s university district, another half-dozen Downtown, and dozens more scattered through the environs – Sree’s is wholly unique. There’s no dinner menu, no reservations, no bussers, no place-settings or TV playing Bollywood dance-numbers. At 3 p.m. the restaurant closes. Pity the bike messenger whose lunch-break is delayed.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

by Oryomai

We have made it through one entire episode in the BFF mansion. Paris sent home two of the ladies last time – who will go tonight?

Onch comes in dressed like the tooth fairy for some reason. The potentials are greed to a 7.5 foot tall cupcake. Apparently, Paris' idea of a challenge is a whacked out Willy Wonka wet dream. The BFFs have to dive into the largest cupcake in the world to find three eggs. While they're looking, Paris starts throwing chocolate onto the girls. Caitlin's egg had a friendship ring. Desiree's egg had a coupon for an exotic dance from Onch. We get to watch as Onch gives her a lap dance which ends with him licking her ass. Katie's egg has the coupon to decide to be up for discussion – she puts Desiree up for discussion. It turns into a cupcake filled cat fight! Paris picks a new pet – she picks Katie! She is possibly the dumbest person on this show. She has a knock off Amy Winehouse beehive.

Katie has to style the other BFFs for the challenge. Katie wears tutus. The boy describes her style as Amy Winehouse riding on the back of a My Little Pony into Disneyland. And I can totally see it! It's sort of like she looked at normal people fashion and the signal got crossed while going through the beehive. The potential BFFs are headed to the salon! Paris is not impressed by what Katie did to her house mates. Paris teaches us the valuable lesson: The outside is just as important as the inside.

OMG! Makeovers for the Miss Paris pageant!! This time, she tells the BFFs that they get to pick their own style and Paris will judge it. While Nicole is trying on the frilliest dress ever, the gay stylist is gossiping with the boy BFF about her. Katie freaks out when Nicole decides to get neon colors in her hair as well.

OMG!!! SANTINO IS THE SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE!!!!! The girls walk down the red carpet and then have to answer a pageant question. Katie comes out looking like a complete and total train wreck – she wears some sort of knock-off Betsy Johnson monstrosity. Nicole completely and totally fails at the challenge. The winner of the Miss Paris pageant is Amanda. I, for one, am so thrilled that Paris is teaching the young ladies of America that how you look outside is just as important (if not more important) than what is on the inside.

Elimination time! The two people up for discussion (in addition to Desirae) are Nicole and Kristen. While the losers fret at the house, Katie and Amanda gossip about the other BFFs during their mani/pedi date. The BFFs aren't too sympathetic to Nicole's major faux pas. Paris puts Katie up for discussion because of the fashion disasters and how she didn't talk. Desirae is safe for the time being – she takes Katie's seat. Paris tells Nicole to stop being such an airhead (does no one else find it ironic that Paris Hilton is telling someone not to be an airhead?!). It's down to silicone Katie and kinda fat Kristen. Paris sends both of them home!!!! Katie then proceeds to cuss out Paris. That's not hot.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

by R. Spade

What could New York do this week to top the past weeks? We have seen New York deal with bugs, pigs, and naked people. America, when Cole Porter said “be a clown,” I don't think this is what he had in mind.

New York has three tasks: training, heading a children's, birthday party, and performing in a clown show. I like how now her tasks are not even specific (like inseminate a pig) but just general acts that even the most simple of people should be able to do. Thankfully, the clown school makes New York put on her clown outfit right away – lady looks good in a neon blue wig!

The first part of New York's training is learning how to make balloon animals from the ballusionist. I wasn't aware that that was a word. New York is pretty good at blowing up he balloons (although I imagine she has a lot of practice with putting rubber on a tip). New York isn't too terrible at making balloon animals. The second part of this task is to juggle. She is totally awful at juggling on the other hand. She doesn't realize that you can only throw one at a time. The highlight of the episode is the New York sock puppet that Moxie brings out. She tells a completely inappropriate joke (which is totally expected of New York). New York passes the training challenge.

Children's party is the next challenge. New York hates kids. New York has to be sassy but not nasty at the children's birthday party. She gets a little sassy with the kids...she sort of yells at the group of them. One of the little kids just starts freaking out and tells New York that if she touches him he will sue her for sexual harassment. She barely touches him, but Moxy is not pleased. The balloon maker is not pleased that New York makes a disabled dinosaur. She fails the party portion of the challenge.

The last task is to perform in the clown show. This is where New York has to put all of the things she has learned together. That fat obnoxious kid is sitting in the front row. I don't know why anyone thought that New York should be around children for any period of time longer than a minute. She does not have the personality type that one needs to deal with children day after day. For the grand finale, New York spins balls on her arms and head while the other two clowns juggle around her. It was actually moderately impressive. She passes the finale.

Will New York make her ten grand this week? She passed two of the tasks, but she did manhandle a child. I think that that is frowned upon in most first world countries. New York said that after this challenge, she is going to get her tubes tied. She got a no from the balloon guy. A yes from the juggler. Epoxy splits his vote because of New York pushing that little bastard. The final decision: New York fails because she manhandled that child and then she starts to fuck the place up. New York is one classy lady.

Next week, will New York be a bounty hunter, a landscaper, or a fast food worker? Only time will tell...