Monday, May 4, 2009
Joe Mama's/ Pittsburgh/ Italian
by Lauren Rara
Joe Mama’s so …hit or miss anymore that I can’t even come up with a quick-witted quip for my opening line. After the first fateful day I visited this restaurant it quickly climbed its way to one of my favorites. I consider myself relatively picky about Italian cuisine, so when I find a place that’s decent I try to keep it in mind.
Anyway, the lady and I went there the Wednesday before my intensive day of two mind-blowing, bum-raping finals that came the next day. We were excited to eat our favorite (relatively) cheap Italian place. We ordered two plates of ravioli and asked for extra dressing on the house salad that comes with entrees. Some part of me should have thought something was off whenever my fountain coke tasted like nothing but seltzer water and the lady’s beer was flat as our waitress’s personality.
The salad came and the usually tasty, simple homemade Italian was more like an overly spiced paste that came out of some jar. Disappointing, seeing how that is usually the best way to start off the meal. At any rate, our mute waitress brought our dishes out super quick and the sauce surrounding my Rav’s was swimming with water which must have somehow affected the texture of the other raviolis. They were falling apart like goopy mush instead of cheese filled pasta pillows.
For thirty bucks, I’m not sure that this was worth it! And this is the first time I would say that. Next time, I’ll be sure to stick to my artery-clogging stick-to-your-ribs “Hug Yo Belly Gemeli” and the breaded mozzarella triangles—mmm…
I’m sad to even write this review because it feels like I’m being disowned by my own mama, but I guess it’s only Joe's Mama so … better luck next time? Better service next time? Better food next time?
Joe Mama’s so …hit or miss anymore that I can’t even come up with a quick-witted quip for my opening line. After the first fateful day I visited this restaurant it quickly climbed its way to one of my favorites. I consider myself relatively picky about Italian cuisine, so when I find a place that’s decent I try to keep it in mind.
Anyway, the lady and I went there the Wednesday before my intensive day of two mind-blowing, bum-raping finals that came the next day. We were excited to eat our favorite (relatively) cheap Italian place. We ordered two plates of ravioli and asked for extra dressing on the house salad that comes with entrees. Some part of me should have thought something was off whenever my fountain coke tasted like nothing but seltzer water and the lady’s beer was flat as our waitress’s personality.
The salad came and the usually tasty, simple homemade Italian was more like an overly spiced paste that came out of some jar. Disappointing, seeing how that is usually the best way to start off the meal. At any rate, our mute waitress brought our dishes out super quick and the sauce surrounding my Rav’s was swimming with water which must have somehow affected the texture of the other raviolis. They were falling apart like goopy mush instead of cheese filled pasta pillows.
For thirty bucks, I’m not sure that this was worth it! And this is the first time I would say that. Next time, I’ll be sure to stick to my artery-clogging stick-to-your-ribs “Hug Yo Belly Gemeli” and the breaded mozzarella triangles—mmm…
I’m sad to even write this review because it feels like I’m being disowned by my own mama, but I guess it’s only Joe's Mama so … better luck next time? Better service next time? Better food next time?
Labels:
dinner,
italian,
joe mama,
lauren rara,
pittsburgh
The Cougar/TV Land/ Wednesdays
by Oryomai
(Full disclosure: I'm kind of sick right now...most likely swine flu. So if this review isn't as razor sharp as my others, I apologize.)
The cougar struts down the stairs in a sequined top more fitted to the Chicken Ranch as opposed to a classy dating show. TALENT SHOW TIME!!! Public humiliation is a big theme on reality dating shows right now. The boys all have to think of a talent off the top of their heads. The first guy does a Borat impression. The white guy does a rap about Wisconsin. My favorite is the boy who handcuffs her and does a little lap dance. But that seems to be more my style than hers. She doesn't pick people that are particularly talented in a conventional sense. Thankfully, the testosterone is starting to make an appearance. I'm pretty sure the competitions from here on out won't be as friendly...
Stacey takes the boys who won the talent show out salsa dancing. The guys take this chance to ask her about her family (but oddly, no one asks her about her children). Austin yelled "green light" when he got a kiss. What a total tool. The guys seem to be having trouble related to an older woman. Stacey is, for some reason, completely serious about this show. She doesn't seem to understand that this is a reality dating show in which she embarasses herself on national television for my amusement. This is not the time for your epiphany.
Our cougar is just as big a glutton for punishment as the ladies of Tough Love: she decides to have the boys pick her out an outfit to wear. Oh...just when I thought that the most humiliating heterosexual male activity was buying a 40 year old woman a gift, it turns out that there's one better! Travis shows just how young he is by putting on one of the dresses. Nothing like mocking gender relations to bring in the audience. Stacey puts on a little fashion show for Vivica A. Fox. The winner of the one-on-one date is JOE! He picked a dress that makes her look a little bit like a cast-off from Pretty Woman.
Now that we've seen the entire group humiliate themselves by choosing dresses, we get to watch the winner make a total asshole of himself at a classy restaurant! Joe gets carded before the gets the wine. Was it really necessary to show that? The waitress brings over escargot (which is totally fucking gross...there are enough animals that I don't need to eat bugs). Joe actually handles himself very well -- he's definitely the most refined of the guys. He loves foie gras and can tell wine by smell. He's a man of many talents. Stacey brings up her kids -- and tells Joe that the oldest is older than him (he's older by a few months actually). I'm really surprised that Joe is doing so well in this situation. I was looking forward to watching him act like a dick. Oh well. I'm sure there will be time in the future.
Time for the third kiss-off! She is sending three boys home. Wow...the cougar is really devouring these boys. This is definitely a short-run show. I'm hoping for my fav, Travis! This whole premise of the "kiss-off," aside from being kinda gross, is too fucking long. There's twenty minutes left in the show, and I have to watch her suck face with a wonderland of boys?! YES! TRAVIS IS IN! The boys never have any drama in their eliminations. We need to get Pumkin and New York in here stat! Even though I *love* this show, I have a tendency to zone out during the kiss-offs...they're a bit drawn out. I'm pretty sure that Vivica A Fox is a drag queen though...those earrings, the fierceness, and the love of younger boys.
There are now nine boys left. Continue to watch as a 40 year old woman pretends that the search for true love ends on reality TV.
(Full disclosure: I'm kind of sick right now...most likely swine flu. So if this review isn't as razor sharp as my others, I apologize.)
The cougar struts down the stairs in a sequined top more fitted to the Chicken Ranch as opposed to a classy dating show. TALENT SHOW TIME!!! Public humiliation is a big theme on reality dating shows right now. The boys all have to think of a talent off the top of their heads. The first guy does a Borat impression. The white guy does a rap about Wisconsin. My favorite is the boy who handcuffs her and does a little lap dance. But that seems to be more my style than hers. She doesn't pick people that are particularly talented in a conventional sense. Thankfully, the testosterone is starting to make an appearance. I'm pretty sure the competitions from here on out won't be as friendly...
Stacey takes the boys who won the talent show out salsa dancing. The guys take this chance to ask her about her family (but oddly, no one asks her about her children). Austin yelled "green light" when he got a kiss. What a total tool. The guys seem to be having trouble related to an older woman. Stacey is, for some reason, completely serious about this show. She doesn't seem to understand that this is a reality dating show in which she embarasses herself on national television for my amusement. This is not the time for your epiphany.
Our cougar is just as big a glutton for punishment as the ladies of Tough Love: she decides to have the boys pick her out an outfit to wear. Oh...just when I thought that the most humiliating heterosexual male activity was buying a 40 year old woman a gift, it turns out that there's one better! Travis shows just how young he is by putting on one of the dresses. Nothing like mocking gender relations to bring in the audience. Stacey puts on a little fashion show for Vivica A. Fox. The winner of the one-on-one date is JOE! He picked a dress that makes her look a little bit like a cast-off from Pretty Woman.
Now that we've seen the entire group humiliate themselves by choosing dresses, we get to watch the winner make a total asshole of himself at a classy restaurant! Joe gets carded before the gets the wine. Was it really necessary to show that? The waitress brings over escargot (which is totally fucking gross...there are enough animals that I don't need to eat bugs). Joe actually handles himself very well -- he's definitely the most refined of the guys. He loves foie gras and can tell wine by smell. He's a man of many talents. Stacey brings up her kids -- and tells Joe that the oldest is older than him (he's older by a few months actually). I'm really surprised that Joe is doing so well in this situation. I was looking forward to watching him act like a dick. Oh well. I'm sure there will be time in the future.
Time for the third kiss-off! She is sending three boys home. Wow...the cougar is really devouring these boys. This is definitely a short-run show. I'm hoping for my fav, Travis! This whole premise of the "kiss-off," aside from being kinda gross, is too fucking long. There's twenty minutes left in the show, and I have to watch her suck face with a wonderland of boys?! YES! TRAVIS IS IN! The boys never have any drama in their eliminations. We need to get Pumkin and New York in here stat! Even though I *love* this show, I have a tendency to zone out during the kiss-offs...they're a bit drawn out. I'm pretty sure that Vivica A Fox is a drag queen though...those earrings, the fierceness, and the love of younger boys.
There are now nine boys left. Continue to watch as a 40 year old woman pretends that the search for true love ends on reality TV.
Labels:
foreplay,
oryomai,
the cougar,
tv land
Friday, May 1, 2009
Daisy Of Love/ VH1/ Sunday nights
An ominous voice warns the men standing before us, in the beginning of Daisy of Love, are in fact not on Tool Academy OR Sober House… despite the fact they could all be on each. HINT TO VH1: MAKE A MALE CHARM SCHOOL!
Today, I realized more than ever before that every episode of every reality show has an equal and opposite reaction reality star. I don’t really care if you did bad on the SAT’s, be prepared for a set of “___ is to ___ as ___ is to ___.”
The beginning, Daisy is to New York as Riki Rachtman is to New York’s Mom. The unfortunate difference being Daisy thinks she’s a rock star. She sings and it’s more than stupid. “I was pitching a tent, not gonna lie.” says soon-to-be-named Weasel. Please, do from now on.
Swedish triplets 84’ 85’ and ‘86 are to Frenchy as 12 Pack is to 12 Pack. Not only are they all un-understandable blonde, they’re also only in it for one thing. But in the boys case, it’s food… and ‘buze.’ “We’re always getting ridiculous,” they say. But the craziest thing I see them do is eat raw hot dogs dipped in salsa.
I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so excited 12 Pack is on this. He admitted up front after leaving I Love New York he was there to party and thought New York was a man. While I do happen to love the semi-tranny, I love 12 Pack’s antics more. Oh, he also shares, “If I think a girl’ll maybe cheat on me or do horrible things to me, I start to think she might be the girl for me.” Wise choices in a wise reality tv world…
“Some people are gonna get sloppy tonight man,” says 12 Pack. He couldn’t be more correct (and duh, he did this two other times.) They all get wasted.
Begin the quotable Daisy moments (QDM): “This naming stuff is really hard because you have to come up with all these names.” A real modern day intelligent feminist, isn’t she?
Cage is to Danger (because of the tattoos) as Flipper is to It (they both seem really off… mentally.)
“Daisy, your name is who you are,” says the only attractive new guy on the show, tagged Wolf. Daisy responds “I don’t really know what he’s talking about.” And generally that’s a statement she’d probably say about everything, but I agree.
She carries a long crazy straw in her wine glass. Aww… it’s like a child’s getting drunk after finishing their bowl of Fruit Loops.
London pukes all over the bathroom. QDM: “He’s passed out on the floor like a friggin crime scene. This is Daisy of Love, not I Love Liquor.” You go girl!
20 minutes before the end of the episode she cuts: the triplets. Not exactly a shocker. It was pretty creepy they wanted to be a ‘smorgesboard’ with her.
While Weasel was passed out, they drew all over his face. He walks into the elimination clearly not having looked in the mirror.
Weasel is to Rodeo (token older character) as London is to the girl who got passed out drunk on Rock of Love 2 AND Charm School: Rock Of Love (only he stays.)
Oh, one last one! Chi Chi and Sinister are to Real and Chance (roommates… brothers… same difference) as Cable Guy is to Natasha (token out of race character.)
The boys that go home? Dropout and Torch.
My front runners for the show: Wolf, 12 Pack… and Weasel. I know… I know… it’s so weird. But I think he’s genuinely funny. Usually the “oldest” character is so crazy it’s lame (I.e. Rodeo) but I happen to think he’s probably a nice guy.
Or you know… creepy enough to provide entertainment. And that’s what this show is really all about anyway.
Today, I realized more than ever before that every episode of every reality show has an equal and opposite reaction reality star. I don’t really care if you did bad on the SAT’s, be prepared for a set of “___ is to ___ as ___ is to ___.”
The beginning, Daisy is to New York as Riki Rachtman is to New York’s Mom. The unfortunate difference being Daisy thinks she’s a rock star. She sings and it’s more than stupid. “I was pitching a tent, not gonna lie.” says soon-to-be-named Weasel. Please, do from now on.
Swedish triplets 84’ 85’ and ‘86 are to Frenchy as 12 Pack is to 12 Pack. Not only are they all un-understandable blonde, they’re also only in it for one thing. But in the boys case, it’s food… and ‘buze.’ “We’re always getting ridiculous,” they say. But the craziest thing I see them do is eat raw hot dogs dipped in salsa.
I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so excited 12 Pack is on this. He admitted up front after leaving I Love New York he was there to party and thought New York was a man. While I do happen to love the semi-tranny, I love 12 Pack’s antics more. Oh, he also shares, “If I think a girl’ll maybe cheat on me or do horrible things to me, I start to think she might be the girl for me.” Wise choices in a wise reality tv world…
“Some people are gonna get sloppy tonight man,” says 12 Pack. He couldn’t be more correct (and duh, he did this two other times.) They all get wasted.
Begin the quotable Daisy moments (QDM): “This naming stuff is really hard because you have to come up with all these names.” A real modern day intelligent feminist, isn’t she?
Cage is to Danger (because of the tattoos) as Flipper is to It (they both seem really off… mentally.)
“Daisy, your name is who you are,” says the only attractive new guy on the show, tagged Wolf. Daisy responds “I don’t really know what he’s talking about.” And generally that’s a statement she’d probably say about everything, but I agree.
She carries a long crazy straw in her wine glass. Aww… it’s like a child’s getting drunk after finishing their bowl of Fruit Loops.
London pukes all over the bathroom. QDM: “He’s passed out on the floor like a friggin crime scene. This is Daisy of Love, not I Love Liquor.” You go girl!
20 minutes before the end of the episode she cuts: the triplets. Not exactly a shocker. It was pretty creepy they wanted to be a ‘smorgesboard’ with her.
While Weasel was passed out, they drew all over his face. He walks into the elimination clearly not having looked in the mirror.
Weasel is to Rodeo (token older character) as London is to the girl who got passed out drunk on Rock of Love 2 AND Charm School: Rock Of Love (only he stays.)
Oh, one last one! Chi Chi and Sinister are to Real and Chance (roommates… brothers… same difference) as Cable Guy is to Natasha (token out of race character.)
The boys that go home? Dropout and Torch.
My front runners for the show: Wolf, 12 Pack… and Weasel. I know… I know… it’s so weird. But I think he’s genuinely funny. Usually the “oldest” character is so crazy it’s lame (I.e. Rodeo) but I happen to think he’s probably a nice guy.
Or you know… creepy enough to provide entertainment. And that’s what this show is really all about anyway.
Labels:
cacia y pepe,
daisy of love,
foreplay,
sunday,
vh1
Brau Brothers / Cooler/ $6.99
by Mitch LeClair
Certain beers fit certain tongues. Some like their brews dark, oily, almost pungent with a strong aftertaste of alcohol. Yet others prefer a light, “drinkable” beverage, low in calories (and taste.) My own mouth muscle prefers a hoppy beer, one that is not too transparent but far from opaque, filled with flavor and lacking a knock-me-down thrust of too-strong punches overabundant in many common brands.
Since moving in with Mr. Palette, my roommate and beer judge extraordinaire Roose, I have become more and more interested in microbrews; that is, beers that don’t suck. While I can still enjoyably take down a respectable amount of Bud Heavies in a night if need be, I tend to search out smaller, much more specialized varieties of bottled, fermented drinks.
About a month ago, in my quaint South Dakota residential palace of Brookings, SoDak, I met the owners/founders/managers/marketers of Brau Brothers beer.
I first sucked their golden brown liquids through my lips at a little get-together called Beer Fest here in Brookings, and since that weekend, I’ve bought four different six-packs of their beers. Disregarding my contempt for the sole spirits store in our town, and how it got to be that way due to self-righteous municipality licenses, I’d say that my weekly trips to Brookings Liquor have been more enjoyable because of the kin hailing from Lucan, Minnesota – a town of barely 200, mind you.
My first exposure to Brau Brothers introduced a sample of their Strawberry Wheat brew to my system. It was a fresh sample, and a later tasting of a store-purchased pack has yielded far inferior results. True, I was half drunk at a beer festival the first time around, but after buying and drinking a sixer of the fruity brew struck me as far less novel and quite a bit more cheesy. A good attempt, but too close to a cheerleader Mike’s Hard for me.
However, my second time around paralleled a repeat encounter of the sexual kind: much more comfortable, much more pleasing. Maybe I had to get used to the hometown water Brau uses in their product, or maybe their Pale Ale was quite simply one heck of a good beer. I’m usually an easy target for pale ales, with their sweet, seductive first snap and lingering, begging-for-more aftertaste, but this beer tasted different. It struck me as a homebrew with balls – a year or two off from becoming a Midwest classic.
Their Scotch Ale is pretty good. That’s about all. It’s not great, but definitely worth the $6.99 I paid for a six-pack. I would say it’s worth $7.99 at the most. Of course, these are South Dakota prices, and the beer’s only traveled a few hours to be sold in our frosty coolers.
The other Brau Brothers beer I’ve tried is one from their single-batch series: Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout. I have two problems with this beer and one good thing to say about it. First, the bad. It tastes like an attempt, as in, “Let’s make a chocolaty, malty beer.” “Ok, but I don’t know if it will be that good…” Just do it Brothers; you seemed hesitant with this one. I’m not sure how else to describe the taste. It’s walking through the door, but the damn thing has it’s head down.
My other negative comment concerns the lack of specialized design work on the box. The entire single-batch series from Brau, which includes a pretty darn good Sheephead IPA I’ve been told, comes with the same package design and only unique stickers on the side. Basically the only reason this is a big deal is that it is boring, does nothing to attract customers (who should be attracted to this brewery, because their beers are excellent overall), and it can not be included in an attractive six-pack side beer wall in a domicile, as I have lived under for the past ten months.
My positive remark about the Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout: the whirlybird sucking the crow in for a logo – brilliant.
Brau Brothers still has a few stairs to go, but one look at their extremely impressive website, one taste of most of their beers, or one face-to-face meeting with their kind, welcoming staff proves that they they’re ascending the flight by twos and threes. I think they’ll be reaching the second floor soon enough.
Certain beers fit certain tongues. Some like their brews dark, oily, almost pungent with a strong aftertaste of alcohol. Yet others prefer a light, “drinkable” beverage, low in calories (and taste.) My own mouth muscle prefers a hoppy beer, one that is not too transparent but far from opaque, filled with flavor and lacking a knock-me-down thrust of too-strong punches overabundant in many common brands.
Since moving in with Mr. Palette, my roommate and beer judge extraordinaire Roose, I have become more and more interested in microbrews; that is, beers that don’t suck. While I can still enjoyably take down a respectable amount of Bud Heavies in a night if need be, I tend to search out smaller, much more specialized varieties of bottled, fermented drinks.
About a month ago, in my quaint South Dakota residential palace of Brookings, SoDak, I met the owners/founders/managers/marketers of Brau Brothers beer.
I first sucked their golden brown liquids through my lips at a little get-together called Beer Fest here in Brookings, and since that weekend, I’ve bought four different six-packs of their beers. Disregarding my contempt for the sole spirits store in our town, and how it got to be that way due to self-righteous municipality licenses, I’d say that my weekly trips to Brookings Liquor have been more enjoyable because of the kin hailing from Lucan, Minnesota – a town of barely 200, mind you.
My first exposure to Brau Brothers introduced a sample of their Strawberry Wheat brew to my system. It was a fresh sample, and a later tasting of a store-purchased pack has yielded far inferior results. True, I was half drunk at a beer festival the first time around, but after buying and drinking a sixer of the fruity brew struck me as far less novel and quite a bit more cheesy. A good attempt, but too close to a cheerleader Mike’s Hard for me.
However, my second time around paralleled a repeat encounter of the sexual kind: much more comfortable, much more pleasing. Maybe I had to get used to the hometown water Brau uses in their product, or maybe their Pale Ale was quite simply one heck of a good beer. I’m usually an easy target for pale ales, with their sweet, seductive first snap and lingering, begging-for-more aftertaste, but this beer tasted different. It struck me as a homebrew with balls – a year or two off from becoming a Midwest classic.
Their Scotch Ale is pretty good. That’s about all. It’s not great, but definitely worth the $6.99 I paid for a six-pack. I would say it’s worth $7.99 at the most. Of course, these are South Dakota prices, and the beer’s only traveled a few hours to be sold in our frosty coolers.
The other Brau Brothers beer I’ve tried is one from their single-batch series: Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout. I have two problems with this beer and one good thing to say about it. First, the bad. It tastes like an attempt, as in, “Let’s make a chocolaty, malty beer.” “Ok, but I don’t know if it will be that good…” Just do it Brothers; you seemed hesitant with this one. I’m not sure how else to describe the taste. It’s walking through the door, but the damn thing has it’s head down.
My other negative comment concerns the lack of specialized design work on the box. The entire single-batch series from Brau, which includes a pretty darn good Sheephead IPA I’ve been told, comes with the same package design and only unique stickers on the side. Basically the only reason this is a big deal is that it is boring, does nothing to attract customers (who should be attracted to this brewery, because their beers are excellent overall), and it can not be included in an attractive six-pack side beer wall in a domicile, as I have lived under for the past ten months.
My positive remark about the Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout: the whirlybird sucking the crow in for a logo – brilliant.
Brau Brothers still has a few stairs to go, but one look at their extremely impressive website, one taste of most of their beers, or one face-to-face meeting with their kind, welcoming staff proves that they they’re ascending the flight by twos and threes. I think they’ll be reaching the second floor soon enough.
Labels:
brau brothers,
dinner,
mitch leclair
Toddlers & Tiaras/TLC/Tuesdays at 10pm
By Imogen V. Shahrazad
When I was a little girl, I read books about cats and horses and barely brushed my hair. In fact, when my mom insisted on combing out the snarls, I frequently cried. I wore gigantic, ill-fitting t-shirts until I was thirteen. So you can imagine how little I could relate to the pageant girls of TLC’s reality show Toddlers & Tiaras.
The show highlights one child pageant per episode in locales as varied as Pittsburgh, PA, to small town Georgia. The girls, ranging in age from barely walking to the brink of puberty, sashay awkwardly across the stage in glittering dresses so expensive their parents missed a mortgage payment, while eager beaver pageant moms (an unmistakable breed, similar to Chihuahuas) mime the girls’ choreography and pray their children’s parade float-sized hairdos don’t fall flat like bad soufflés.
Tacky? Yeah. But, as an unabashed feminist and generally concerned human being, I also find it fairly alarming.
It’s difficult to tell what is worse: the parents’ seemingly blind enthusiasm for kiddie pageants or the kids’ confusion regarding whether or not they actually like competing. At the Stars of Pennsylvania pageant (a glitz pageant, as opposed to a natural pageant, whatever that means), we meet, among others, Meadow, Angela, and Roni. Meadow, a seven-year-old future Stepford wife, has competed in over one hundred pageants. Angela is a sweet eight-year-old from a large family, and Roni is a highly entertaining and petulant two-year-old.
My first concern is financial: while Meadow’s family seems to have no trouble paying thousands of dollars for a dress she’ll grow out of in three months, Angela is only one of five kids in a military family and Roni’s mother requires her own mother’s help to pay for pageant accoutrement—in the form of moving back into her mom’s house because she can’t pay the rent. While there’s no shame in having financial difficulties, is it justifiable in the face of the possibility that these girls don’t even like pageants?
While Meadow is a lost cause (at this point, the poor thing is practically a My Size Barbie), Roni expresses her desire to go swimming rather than continue the pageant (and later falls asleep in her mother’s arms, as toddlers do). Perhaps the saddest moment is when Angela doesn’t win the big crown and tells the camera, in heartbreaking monotone, “I like natural pageants more than glitz pageants.”
Pro-pageant people argue that competition boosts the girls’ self-esteem and provides them a fun hobby, but seeing little girls in sequined dresses, spray tans, and hair pieces cry over losing the top title is, to put it simply, soul crushing. Girls don’t need to hear that their worth is wrapped up in their ability to blow kisses at judges or smile the prettiest; they get enough of that just watching television and living in America.
Little girls need to be what they are: kids. They should play in the dirt with My Little Ponies and read bedtime stories with their parents. They should sing and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba, not struggle through some unnecessarily complicated choreography in a room full of strangers. If my six-year-old sister ever told me she wanted to do a pageant, I’d sob. Loudly.
Oh, and you know the thing that freaks me out the most? Flippers. Flippers are fake teeth the kids can slip on over their real teeth to hide gaps from lost baby teeth. OH. MY. GOD.
When I was a little girl, I read books about cats and horses and barely brushed my hair. In fact, when my mom insisted on combing out the snarls, I frequently cried. I wore gigantic, ill-fitting t-shirts until I was thirteen. So you can imagine how little I could relate to the pageant girls of TLC’s reality show Toddlers & Tiaras.
The show highlights one child pageant per episode in locales as varied as Pittsburgh, PA, to small town Georgia. The girls, ranging in age from barely walking to the brink of puberty, sashay awkwardly across the stage in glittering dresses so expensive their parents missed a mortgage payment, while eager beaver pageant moms (an unmistakable breed, similar to Chihuahuas) mime the girls’ choreography and pray their children’s parade float-sized hairdos don’t fall flat like bad soufflés.
Tacky? Yeah. But, as an unabashed feminist and generally concerned human being, I also find it fairly alarming.
It’s difficult to tell what is worse: the parents’ seemingly blind enthusiasm for kiddie pageants or the kids’ confusion regarding whether or not they actually like competing. At the Stars of Pennsylvania pageant (a glitz pageant, as opposed to a natural pageant, whatever that means), we meet, among others, Meadow, Angela, and Roni. Meadow, a seven-year-old future Stepford wife, has competed in over one hundred pageants. Angela is a sweet eight-year-old from a large family, and Roni is a highly entertaining and petulant two-year-old.
My first concern is financial: while Meadow’s family seems to have no trouble paying thousands of dollars for a dress she’ll grow out of in three months, Angela is only one of five kids in a military family and Roni’s mother requires her own mother’s help to pay for pageant accoutrement—in the form of moving back into her mom’s house because she can’t pay the rent. While there’s no shame in having financial difficulties, is it justifiable in the face of the possibility that these girls don’t even like pageants?
While Meadow is a lost cause (at this point, the poor thing is practically a My Size Barbie), Roni expresses her desire to go swimming rather than continue the pageant (and later falls asleep in her mother’s arms, as toddlers do). Perhaps the saddest moment is when Angela doesn’t win the big crown and tells the camera, in heartbreaking monotone, “I like natural pageants more than glitz pageants.”
Pro-pageant people argue that competition boosts the girls’ self-esteem and provides them a fun hobby, but seeing little girls in sequined dresses, spray tans, and hair pieces cry over losing the top title is, to put it simply, soul crushing. Girls don’t need to hear that their worth is wrapped up in their ability to blow kisses at judges or smile the prettiest; they get enough of that just watching television and living in America.
Little girls need to be what they are: kids. They should play in the dirt with My Little Ponies and read bedtime stories with their parents. They should sing and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba, not struggle through some unnecessarily complicated choreography in a room full of strangers. If my six-year-old sister ever told me she wanted to do a pageant, I’d sob. Loudly.
Oh, and you know the thing that freaks me out the most? Flippers. Flippers are fake teeth the kids can slip on over their real teeth to hide gaps from lost baby teeth. OH. MY. GOD.
Labels:
foreplay,
imogen v. shahrazad,
tlc,
toddlers and tiaras,
tuesdays
U2/ No Line on the Horizon/ Interscope (2009)
By Chaynes
A disclaimer: I am a big U2 fan.
A second disclaimer: I am one of those U2 fans who think that they should have stopped making new albums after Achtung Baby.
Disclaimers aside, this is not going to be an exercise in U2 bashing. Rather, I aim to explore what it is about more recent U2 albums that makes fans like me experience disappointment and a longing for the early days of the band. No Line on the Horizon, although highly anticipated, unfortunately inspires those experiences.
If you watch TV, especially with cable through Comcast, your first exposure to Line was probably the band’s promo videos featuring the song “Get on your Boots.” Whoever let Bono and The Edge release this track as the album’s lead single should be dragged out behind the shed and shot. This song is a testament to how badly modern rock needs to die. Modern rock, luckily for most of us, is on the wane, but for some reason U2 decided to tap into its beer-chugging ethos. If there is any of U2’s usually pointed socio-political commentary/criticism hiding somewhere in Bono’s yelped lyrics, the lame-as-an-old-mare “riffing” blasted out by The Edge obscures any chance we might have had to recognize it (with a name like “The Edge,” he should have known better!)
Fortunately, “Get on your Boots” is an outlier on Line. There are moments where U2 remember and channel the epic, anthemic power of their early output (specifically “Moment of Surrender” and “Magnificent”), with soaring vocals and delayed guitar melodies growing to grandiose levels. While these are staples of the U2 catalogue, helping to define the band above and beyond their contemporaries, something still feels hollow. While we recognize many of the moments we love in U2’s music here, Line starts to feels like well-crafted artifice, rather than brutally honest authenticity.
There is a raw, angry, and violent quality that effectively informs the melodramatic pop of U2’s first few albums, especially so in the wildly successful classic The Joshua Tree. This mixing of emotions, in large part, is what catapulted U2 to worldwide fame and has kept them there for decades. Bono charged his songs with attacks on worldwide injustices and then made good on his threats by becoming and international activist (like it or not, he has done good work!). The music was a perfect complement to these politically motivated messages, creating expansive settings drenched in reverb big enough to encompass the world’s most pressing concerns.
This is the quality I find lacking in Line. While some tracks approach this compelling nature, songs like “Get on your Boots” do not even come close. This album appears to divide along two lines: 1.) embarrassment as we listen to U2 attempt to stay current with rock trends instead of innovating what they have, and 2.) nostalgia inspired by the brief moments where what we used to love about U2 are partially reiterated. Neither of these two paths allow us to appreciate Line for what it is, a mediocre rock record.
The latent energy (bursting forth into subversive political power) of the early records is no more in Line. It is a piece of music, and there are certainly worse pieces of music, but in context, this album falls impotent at the feet of the men who created it. I am the last person to criticize musicians for exploring new territory, but there is always a risk. U2 are getting up in years, they have dominated the rock scene for a very long time, and so there must be constant pressure to both fulfill the needs of longtime fans and catch the eyes of new generations. Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen have managed to do this, and Line proves that U2 could, but they just need to keep trying.
Recently, U2 reissued their first few albums in fancy deluxe editions, including excellent packaging and tons of live and unreleased material. This to me seems a more effective way to capture younger audiences: show them why you started rocking in the first place.
A disclaimer: I am a big U2 fan.
A second disclaimer: I am one of those U2 fans who think that they should have stopped making new albums after Achtung Baby.
Disclaimers aside, this is not going to be an exercise in U2 bashing. Rather, I aim to explore what it is about more recent U2 albums that makes fans like me experience disappointment and a longing for the early days of the band. No Line on the Horizon, although highly anticipated, unfortunately inspires those experiences.
If you watch TV, especially with cable through Comcast, your first exposure to Line was probably the band’s promo videos featuring the song “Get on your Boots.” Whoever let Bono and The Edge release this track as the album’s lead single should be dragged out behind the shed and shot. This song is a testament to how badly modern rock needs to die. Modern rock, luckily for most of us, is on the wane, but for some reason U2 decided to tap into its beer-chugging ethos. If there is any of U2’s usually pointed socio-political commentary/criticism hiding somewhere in Bono’s yelped lyrics, the lame-as-an-old-mare “riffing” blasted out by The Edge obscures any chance we might have had to recognize it (with a name like “The Edge,” he should have known better!)
Fortunately, “Get on your Boots” is an outlier on Line. There are moments where U2 remember and channel the epic, anthemic power of their early output (specifically “Moment of Surrender” and “Magnificent”), with soaring vocals and delayed guitar melodies growing to grandiose levels. While these are staples of the U2 catalogue, helping to define the band above and beyond their contemporaries, something still feels hollow. While we recognize many of the moments we love in U2’s music here, Line starts to feels like well-crafted artifice, rather than brutally honest authenticity.
There is a raw, angry, and violent quality that effectively informs the melodramatic pop of U2’s first few albums, especially so in the wildly successful classic The Joshua Tree. This mixing of emotions, in large part, is what catapulted U2 to worldwide fame and has kept them there for decades. Bono charged his songs with attacks on worldwide injustices and then made good on his threats by becoming and international activist (like it or not, he has done good work!). The music was a perfect complement to these politically motivated messages, creating expansive settings drenched in reverb big enough to encompass the world’s most pressing concerns.
This is the quality I find lacking in Line. While some tracks approach this compelling nature, songs like “Get on your Boots” do not even come close. This album appears to divide along two lines: 1.) embarrassment as we listen to U2 attempt to stay current with rock trends instead of innovating what they have, and 2.) nostalgia inspired by the brief moments where what we used to love about U2 are partially reiterated. Neither of these two paths allow us to appreciate Line for what it is, a mediocre rock record.
The latent energy (bursting forth into subversive political power) of the early records is no more in Line. It is a piece of music, and there are certainly worse pieces of music, but in context, this album falls impotent at the feet of the men who created it. I am the last person to criticize musicians for exploring new territory, but there is always a risk. U2 are getting up in years, they have dominated the rock scene for a very long time, and so there must be constant pressure to both fulfill the needs of longtime fans and catch the eyes of new generations. Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen have managed to do this, and Line proves that U2 could, but they just need to keep trying.
Recently, U2 reissued their first few albums in fancy deluxe editions, including excellent packaging and tons of live and unreleased material. This to me seems a more effective way to capture younger audiences: show them why you started rocking in the first place.
Labels:
Chaynes,
cityfolk,
interscope,
no line on the horizon,
U2
Tough Love/VH1/Sundays
by Oryomai
This week on Tough Love, Steve says the ladies are going to have surprise guests for their dinner party. If any of them had watched a reality TV show in their lives, they would know that this is the time they bring families/exes on. It's Taylor's mom! Jaclyn's ex-boyfriend! Jessa's best friend from home! Jodi's ex/BFF! Abiola's sister! Natasha's ex! Arian's mom! The shocks never stop.
Arian decides to bring her mother up to speed...well...the speed she thinks boot camp is going. Steve wants her mother and him to work together to help Arian with her giantic moronic slut issue. Arian's mom goes right on the defensive. Apparently this is the high school principle's office, and Arian is tattling. What the fuck? How old does she think we are? Apparently being a sexually transmitted disease-laden ho bag is something that can be defended by your slut-mother. I'm not entirely sure what the hell is going on with this family, but Arian tells her mother about how she gets naked with strange men in the bathtub and her mother laughs. The majority of what Arian says in this exchange is beeped. Even Taylor is disgusted by what Arian is doing. Arian thinks that she won because her mother had the balls to stand up to Steve. Jaclyn's ex drove her to the airport to go to this show. Why the fuck is she even talking to him? Jaclyn went to the bathroom to go pray.
The ladies all have second guests -- dates. Steve says the ulitmate challenge is dealing with someone from your past and present at the same time. Jaclyn is totally freaking out. She's trying to make both of the guys happy. Jodi starts talking to the boys about what she thinks Jaclyn should do about them. She starts crying over it. Because she's a fucking trust fund ho. The guys went up to Jodi because Jaclyn has no idea how to lead her own life -- she doesn't work and her parents take care of her. Taylor seems to have taken for Valentino. Natasha is also dealing with two men at the same time, and bitch crawled headfirst into a bottle. Now, I probably don't have any room to talk about this, but goddamn girl...slow down!
Steve has a meeting with Arian's mother and his mother. Steve's mother says she'd kick his ass if he talked to her like Arian talked to her mother. Steve shows Arian's mother the videos of what Arian does. For some completely unexplicable reason, her mother laughs a bit at this show of slut. Steve tells Arian's mother that there is only so much that they can do...and without her help there's nothing left for her.
Group meeting time! The ladies revealed a lot about their characters this week. Jaclyn is this week's winner! She did her best to keep it together and kept the situation under control. Jaclyn's ex says he sees a future with her but not now. Arian starts freaking out because she knows she's in the goddamn hot seat. Half of the girls are concerned, half are totally not amused. Taylor calls her Quasimodo ringin-the-bell fuckin' nuts...I'm proud of her for knowing that one! Steve tells Arian he hadn't planned on having a hot seat that night. We all thought that Arian was going to change. She tries to defend herself by saying that she has learned things. Steve tells her to get the fuck out. When Taylor calls you a lost cause, you have serious issues. Arian tries to start a mutiny at boot camp -- she wants Abiola, Jessa, and Natasha to come with her. For some odd reason, Jessa freaks the hell out about him telling Arian to leave. She just hates Steve and wants to yell. Whatever, Arian leaves and Jessa calms down.
Next up: the series finale!
This week on Tough Love, Steve says the ladies are going to have surprise guests for their dinner party. If any of them had watched a reality TV show in their lives, they would know that this is the time they bring families/exes on. It's Taylor's mom! Jaclyn's ex-boyfriend! Jessa's best friend from home! Jodi's ex/BFF! Abiola's sister! Natasha's ex! Arian's mom! The shocks never stop.
Arian decides to bring her mother up to speed...well...the speed she thinks boot camp is going. Steve wants her mother and him to work together to help Arian with her giantic moronic slut issue. Arian's mom goes right on the defensive. Apparently this is the high school principle's office, and Arian is tattling. What the fuck? How old does she think we are? Apparently being a sexually transmitted disease-laden ho bag is something that can be defended by your slut-mother. I'm not entirely sure what the hell is going on with this family, but Arian tells her mother about how she gets naked with strange men in the bathtub and her mother laughs. The majority of what Arian says in this exchange is beeped. Even Taylor is disgusted by what Arian is doing. Arian thinks that she won because her mother had the balls to stand up to Steve. Jaclyn's ex drove her to the airport to go to this show. Why the fuck is she even talking to him? Jaclyn went to the bathroom to go pray.
The ladies all have second guests -- dates. Steve says the ulitmate challenge is dealing with someone from your past and present at the same time. Jaclyn is totally freaking out. She's trying to make both of the guys happy. Jodi starts talking to the boys about what she thinks Jaclyn should do about them. She starts crying over it. Because she's a fucking trust fund ho. The guys went up to Jodi because Jaclyn has no idea how to lead her own life -- she doesn't work and her parents take care of her. Taylor seems to have taken for Valentino. Natasha is also dealing with two men at the same time, and bitch crawled headfirst into a bottle. Now, I probably don't have any room to talk about this, but goddamn girl...slow down!
Steve has a meeting with Arian's mother and his mother. Steve's mother says she'd kick his ass if he talked to her like Arian talked to her mother. Steve shows Arian's mother the videos of what Arian does. For some completely unexplicable reason, her mother laughs a bit at this show of slut. Steve tells Arian's mother that there is only so much that they can do...and without her help there's nothing left for her.
Group meeting time! The ladies revealed a lot about their characters this week. Jaclyn is this week's winner! She did her best to keep it together and kept the situation under control. Jaclyn's ex says he sees a future with her but not now. Arian starts freaking out because she knows she's in the goddamn hot seat. Half of the girls are concerned, half are totally not amused. Taylor calls her Quasimodo ringin-the-bell fuckin' nuts...I'm proud of her for knowing that one! Steve tells Arian he hadn't planned on having a hot seat that night. We all thought that Arian was going to change. She tries to defend herself by saying that she has learned things. Steve tells her to get the fuck out. When Taylor calls you a lost cause, you have serious issues. Arian tries to start a mutiny at boot camp -- she wants Abiola, Jessa, and Natasha to come with her. For some odd reason, Jessa freaks the hell out about him telling Arian to leave. She just hates Steve and wants to yell. Whatever, Arian leaves and Jessa calms down.
Next up: the series finale!
Labels:
foreplay,
oryomai,
sunday,
tough love,
vh1
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