Real Housewives Of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday nights

by Lauren Rara

Dina and Lexie come over to see Teresa's house. In Oz. As Dina puts it. The house is insanely large, like one who was playing The Sims and has a freaking billion dollars to spend. I don't even know how one would fill a house of this size. It seriously looked like the Sopranos threw up in here, several times. The coolest part of the house is the wine cellar where Joe makes his wine. Dina and LExie can't stand the smell of the room and I don't blame them. That is one TERRIBLE fuckin' stench. But what do you expect from fermented grapes?

Dina and Teresa sit outside with some wine and Teresa explains that she wants to have a party at a nice restaurant and invite the usual suspects, including Danielle. This news seems to make Dina viscerally uncomfortable. But, Teresa defends that Dani is friends with Jacqueline and it should be okay for her to come. That's not enough for Dina who feels like it's ridiculous and upsetting that Danielle HAS to come to functions. But then she says she doesn't need to entertain her. It's Jacqueline's problem. I agree, fuck 'em. What is this Mean Girls? Don't invite her instead of having her come and ignoring her.

Danielle has the girls come out so that she can show them some photos from her modeling days. While the photos are blurred out, the looks on the girls faces are proof enough that some of these probably aren't exactly G-Rated. Using these pictures as a segue to tell them about the book. Yes, she did strip, get arrested and change her name (in that order). The little 14 year old says she'll trust her mama no matter what and then explains that whoever found this book probably was just trying to make people hate her. She is, and I stand by this, the smartest girl on this show. Lexie could learn from her. Ashley too, probably.

Danielle addresses the talk of the dinner party and seems a bit weary to head there. Jac is relieved because she's neutral like Switzerland and she's tired of everyone bitching. Uh yeah, that shrill sounding Jersey drawl ain't the nicest to listen to.

Jacqueline's parents come in to town driving a HUGE TOUR BUS. I think I actually saw Ashley and Farrah get off the bus to vomit up some Lean Cuisine or something. Anyway, Jac explains that her parents are very laid back non-pretentious types and as they talk about botox and Pampered Chef, Jac's dad warns her of looking like Goldie Hahn. Anyway, Jac asks mom and pops for advice about Ashley's car and her dad, an ex colonel in the army, says to give her some restrictions. 'Cause, you know, Ashley's so moderate. What do you expect from a 17 year old spoiled brat? I mean, really!?

Lexie decides she's too cool for the stuffed animals in her room so she and mama gather up some trash bags and eradicate the plushy problem. Most of the animals reside beneath the girl's bed and Dina jokes that this is what happens when you have housekeepers instead of cleaning up your own house. HARHARHAR Cue snobbish, bitchlaugh. Must be nice. If my mom saw a bunch of shit under my bed, she'd simply throw it out-- no questions asked. They also unearth a DRAWER full of candy. Deluxe candy, too. You know she went trick or treating in the rich neighborhoods. Anyway, Dina takes this as a sign that her house is falling apart and it's not a good thing to be away for so long.

Note to self: never try to fuck with Caroline. She and her husband have a beautiful German Shepherd who is one year old. And the kicker? They're training him to be a protection dog as we can tell by the way he chases down a pseudo attacker and locks his jaws on his arm. DANG. I would never want that big, lumbering doggie to come at me. When they train him with an AK-47 that's when ya really gotta look out. YIKES. Faghettaboutit.

Back at casa del Jacqueline, Chris wants the family to come outside. They give Ashley the car and she just cries and cries and cries. But, shock of all shocks, they lay down some ground rules and remind Ashley that it's their car and she gets to use it as she improves with grades and room-keeping, etc... I wonder how long that's going to last? They probably gave it to her in the end so that the viewers can't see what really happens.

Caroline, Dina, and Lexie all have dinner and Dina tells Caroline she misses being a true blue housewife. I mean, there are so many things happening while D's at work that go on. The bags upon bags of stuffed animals. And, LEXIE IS GROWING BUBBIES! Lexie says she can't stop her from growing and HAY at least hers are real. HA HA HA HA! At any rate, Caroline basically tells Dina to do what makes her happy and in that moment, or as Bravo portrays it, Dina says she is officially retired. What a hard life, Dina... hardhard life.

It's party time. And everyone's invited. Caroline, Dina, and Jackie show up early and everyone mingles around. Jac loves Teresa's new bubbies and honestly they look natural and normal on her small frame. Dina even bought Danielle a little sexy couple'a pieces of lingerie for she and Joe to try out. Oooh lala. Her new bubbies are fantastic, and the talk of the party. Especially when Teresa turns her "high beams" on. Awkward as America looks on to see the high beams as well. More awkward is the question of Caroline's titty authenticity. They are REAL, people. Gash, a girl can't have a nice pair without them being fake in this town, apparently.

Danielle and the girls show up late and don't give any hugs to the hostess with the mostest. The girls are grossed out by the raw oysters and joke and laugh about the texture. They also joke about how Joe wanted to get some right when Teresa came home from the hospital. As Teresa reddens up everyone's face with her re-telling, they guffaw and roll all over the place. It's a nice atmosphere. Everyone's joking around, except for Danielle who out of the blue pulls out THE BOOK. Why? I have no idea. And then no one speaks.

Well of course, Dina breaks the ice by asking wtf?! And Danielle retorts by trying to defend her name and honor. She keeps going on and on with this tirade about how she's flattered people took such interest in her life and Dina asks her if she can stop her. Danielle says no. Teresa says actually she can if she wants. The whole back and forth results in the little tots being ushered outside and the big kids staying for the show. Surprisingly, Caroline remains levelheaded throughout, serving as mediator. Dina is the victim of most of the scandal's getting around town, when she claims she didn't do it.

Caroline has Danielle look at her and say that she's the one that told them and that Dani better stop playing the blame game when it's not true. She claims that the family is "as thick as thieves" and you can't mess with them. SO I'm super confused, I don't know if you fellow viewers are, too. But basically, Caroline defends it was her. Jacqueline pipes in to say it was both of them. And Danielle just keeps harping on Dina. Caroline looks like the godfather and I feel like all she'd need is to snap her fingers for her goons to come out and snap Danielle in half like the twig she is.

WELL it gets back to Teresa, pissed because she's thrown this dinner party and there Danielle is saying she didn't want to start anything even though she brought the book. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS? Teresa jumps up like an animal, flips a table, and nearly rips Danielle's head off. Dina comments that she's never seen her act like that... But when you piss an Italian off...boy oh boy... I know first hand you don't wanna be on the receiving end of that. Especially when they're screaming like that.

Well, Dina says she doesn't feel like Danielle needs retribution, but prayers instead. The rest of the table is in an uproar as the clothes are wine soaked and the food is all over the floor. Danielle says if she ever wants to be friends with them again they all need to apologize. LA LA LA LA. But she still maintains it was in fact Dina that did this to her even though Caroline is explicitly telling her otherwise.

Then Bravo updates us with what's going on in all the girls' lives:

Teresa and Joe are expecting

Jacqueline and Chris are expecting and it's become something the family is close over again.

Dina has retired

Danielle is still searching for her soul mate

And the funniest one?

Caroline is not sorry for the book. She said she'd do it again.

That's hilarious. Everyone else gets a happy little blip and Caroline's is the hard ass gangster one. She's probably in the mob with Joe. Or by herself.

I'll miss you, real trashwives of New Jersey. For bubbies! For Chuckies! For you! Mwah!

Beauty Bar / New York City / Booze & Manicures

by Eriq

Next time you’re in the East Village, stop by the Beauty Bar for a drink or two. It’s a few steps away from the metro stop at 3^rd Ave and 14^th St, so stop in and enjoy some good music and get a great… manicure?

If you're like me, you don't live in New York City and can't imagine a legal activity that would allow you to afford to do so. Thus, you and I are Visitors To The City (tourist is a four-letter word meaning "please overcharge me"). Using trial and error to find a bar that suits your taste can be time- and money-consuming (think $5 for a glass of water and $13 for a mixed drink), so I did a bit of research before my trip.

My search led me to a former beauty salon now operating as the Beauty Bar. The retro-themed bar, with a row of old sit-down helmet hairdryers, offers some charm and authenticity in a city that can sometimes be short on both. In the afternoon and early evening, the Beauty Bar’s front room is a quiet place to get a drink after a day of exploring the city on foot. As night falls, the overhead lights dim and the music is turned up as the bar transforms into a dance party. After dark, you’ll probably have an easier time getting the attention of the bartender in the back room (it’ll be the one with the loop of Duran Duran videos playing on the wall). On a recent Saturday night visit, the DJ was spinning a pretty great mix of 70’s & 80’s classics and modern dance tracks. I probably would’ve gotten tired of just one or the other, but the DJ kept it fresh and interesting in a way that just another 80’s night wouldn’t have.

Although the nightly $10 “Martini and Manicure” special wasn’t for me, my female traveling companions were overjoyed about the prospect of enjoying both of these things at the same time. The hype turned out to be warranted. The two manicurists on hand were talkative, talented, and each offered a stylish rainbow of nail polish. Throw in a martini (or a beer or what-have-you)? Not bad for 10 dollars. The memory of a manicure-less $13 drink seemed like robbery by comparison. And I think we all know that it’s pretty rare that people leave the bar looking more fabulous than when they came in.

Charm School with Ricki Lake/ Vh1/ Mondays

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Chana Masala/Prep Time: 20 minutes/ Cook Time: 3+ hours

by Aleister

Feeds 3-4 alone, 5-6 if served with rice.

Okay, so, before you get all uptight about food that has to cook for several hours- this dish is completely worth it. And while it cooks, you can burn some Nag Champa, do some yoga, and listen to Ravi Shankar. Chana Masala, which translates roughly as “Chickpeas with spices” is an easy dish, a staple of Indian food, and you'll never forget the orgy of taste and spice dancing on your tongue when you eat it.

Ingredients:
1 tbsp olive oil
¼ large white onion
3 cloves garlic
1 large bell pepper, any color
2 cans chickpeas
½ can peas

Spices:
1 dash salt
1 ½ tsp ground cinnamon
1 ½ tsp black pepper (ground or peppercorns)
1 ½ tsp ground cumin
½ tsp turmeric
½ tsp ground ginger
½ tsp ground clove
½ – 1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
½ tsp ground coriander

Preparation:
1. Heat oil and add garlic (whole) and onion (diced). Sauté until onions are soft.

2. Add bell pepper (cubed), both cans of chickpeas (undrained- the liquid will become the sauce), and peas.

3. Stir in spices. For the cayenne, add none for a mild dish*** (which will still have a kick due to the cinnamon and black pepper), add ½ tsp for a medium dish, and 1 tsp for a hot dish. Simmer for as long as you have – the longer the dish cooks, the more time the flavors party together, and the better it tastes in the end. Cook for at least three hours, and if you have ten hours, then cook for ten hours.

**A quick note about the level of heat: If you've eaten Indian food, you know that hot/spicy/ten-out-of-ten means SPICY AS HELL. Adding the full tsp of cayenne will create a dish so spicy that you'll sweat when you eat it, and consume mass amounts of milk to cut the spicy. This is the best way to eat Chana Masala – if you like really, really spicy food, then make this really, really spicy.

Enjoy!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

Bob Dylan/Together Through Life/April 28, 2009/Columbia Records

by Aleister

At some point- damned if I know where- Bob Dylan became a character in his own music. On Modern Times, he was a gambler, a hobo, a miner, sailor, and a million other illustrations of Americana along the way- and he was drunk the entire time.

Together Through Life contains twice as much fiction and three times as much booze. The characters which somehow make up Dylan's psyche are all here, having a party that everyone's invited to- he's a drunken blues-man putting on some kind of revue on “My Wife's Home Town,” (which is “Hell,” by the way); he's a former sharp-shooter in “If You Ever Go to Houston,” and he even manages to sound like an old, rich pervert trying to take home a 17-year old girl in “Shake Shake Mama.” Only once on the album does Dylan really sound like he's not playing a part- the sardonic closer “It's All Good,” where he growls the title phrase of the song- and I can't tell if he's serious, sarcastic, or completely disgusted. Vagueness is one of Dylan's fortes.

Dylan's music has always been filled with characters, so the thing that makes Life so different from Modern Times lies in sound and attitude. Life is much less serious than anything Dylan's recorded since his renaissance began (in '97, with Time Out of Mind). Some of the bluesiest songs contain unpolished music, rough around the edges, like it was recorded on a runaway train barreling through a tunnel after two rehearsals (“Beyond Here Lies Nothin',” “My Wife's Home Town,” “Jolene”), but that's the point. And the lyrics on those songs only sound like throwaway lyrics. Blues is, ultimately, music about gut feeling, and Dylan's got it here in excess- the slut that charmed away his money on Modern Times has come back, beat him up, killed his dog, and burned his house down. And he turns it all into a sub-melodic growl that sounds like its coming from the dead love-child of Vincent Price and James Earl Jones.

Dylan's been singing blues for years (listen to Blonde on Blonde, from '66, if you doubt me), but its been refined so much along the way that now, finally, the man is a blues artist, more than he's even been before. And thank the gods that he and his fans seem to have accepted it, because the last decade has seen not only a renaissance for Dylan, but a complete resurgence (remember that Modern Times held the number one spot on Billboard for a time); after nearly 50 years, Bob Dylan remains one of the finest songwriters in the world.