Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tough Love/ Vh1/ Sunday Nights
by Oryomai
We are now up to lesson six in our Tough Love boot camp. So far we have learned that sexy doesn't have to mean slutty, don't be a gold digger (or if you are, don't let people know about it,) and that it's totally worth making a total ass of yourself on national TV for the love of a man. This lesson is about secrets and how you reveal them and how that is just as important as what you're revealing.
Oh...the thrill of public humiliation!
Steve takes the ladies to a game show called "Cute or Crazy" in which the demographic of MANswers gets to decide about the ladies' qualities. Everyone has a good time except Abiola. This is because she's a total fucking psycho. Highlights include the fact that she uses her cat to decide on potential boyfriends and that she married herself (and wears a ring). I would rather watch Arian throw herself face first into the crotch of the next man to walk in the room than listen to Abiola talk about how she's a princess.
The challenge today is to reveal secrets to the people the ladies have been seeing. Steve decides to bring out all the girls secrets in group time because our sadistic matchmaker did not have enough fun humiliating them in front of a group of strange men. Most of them are pretty tame: loser guys, family members in prison, short term dating...blah, blah, blah. We finally hit scandal with two of them: Abiola and Jaclyn. Abiola was married before?! How in the hell did that happen? (Side note: does marrying whatever guy and then marrying herself, count as being married twice?) Is this divorce the thing that drove her to cats and tiaras? The worst, however, is Jaclyn. Turns out, she is completely supported by her parents (trust fund slut...bet she wears Juicy Couture sweatsuits with Ugg boots in July). She thinks that this is totally okay because her grandfather thinks that girls shouldn't work. Wait...it's that easy to justify? Why haven't I just gotten married and sucked enough dick to get myself a pair of True Religions?! Fuck this real world thing -- I'm going into legalized prostitution.
Now, we get to watch the ladies go on dates to reveal their secrets. Remember: they have to tell something tragic/dark/embarassing but put a positive spin on it. How hard can that possibly be? Most of the ladies do pretty well. Jessa's date is our matchmaker. He can't figure her out, so he decides to surprise her with a lie detector test. Wait a goddamn minute! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?! He is *not* our VH1 lie detector guy! I don't even know if I'll believe his results. He claims that Jessa is telling the truth...she just doesn't like Steve. So..apparently...Jessa doesn't reveal anything?
Ah, the group review. As if we all just didn't watch it. Taylor wins this week. She managed to cover her tits long enough to make a connection with someone. Go team! Jodi meets her guy's son (get 'em into reality shows while they're young!) Who's in this hot seat this week? ABIOLA! It's not from her date and how she revealed her secret, but the fact that she was a total moron on "Cute or Crazy." Steve lets us know that she (and many other women) suffer from a common problem: overthinking. Ooooh...I have so much more to learn from you Steve!
We are now up to lesson six in our Tough Love boot camp. So far we have learned that sexy doesn't have to mean slutty, don't be a gold digger (or if you are, don't let people know about it,) and that it's totally worth making a total ass of yourself on national TV for the love of a man. This lesson is about secrets and how you reveal them and how that is just as important as what you're revealing.
Oh...the thrill of public humiliation!
Steve takes the ladies to a game show called "Cute or Crazy" in which the demographic of MANswers gets to decide about the ladies' qualities. Everyone has a good time except Abiola. This is because she's a total fucking psycho. Highlights include the fact that she uses her cat to decide on potential boyfriends and that she married herself (and wears a ring). I would rather watch Arian throw herself face first into the crotch of the next man to walk in the room than listen to Abiola talk about how she's a princess.
The challenge today is to reveal secrets to the people the ladies have been seeing. Steve decides to bring out all the girls secrets in group time because our sadistic matchmaker did not have enough fun humiliating them in front of a group of strange men. Most of them are pretty tame: loser guys, family members in prison, short term dating...blah, blah, blah. We finally hit scandal with two of them: Abiola and Jaclyn. Abiola was married before?! How in the hell did that happen? (Side note: does marrying whatever guy and then marrying herself, count as being married twice?) Is this divorce the thing that drove her to cats and tiaras? The worst, however, is Jaclyn. Turns out, she is completely supported by her parents (trust fund slut...bet she wears Juicy Couture sweatsuits with Ugg boots in July). She thinks that this is totally okay because her grandfather thinks that girls shouldn't work. Wait...it's that easy to justify? Why haven't I just gotten married and sucked enough dick to get myself a pair of True Religions?! Fuck this real world thing -- I'm going into legalized prostitution.
Now, we get to watch the ladies go on dates to reveal their secrets. Remember: they have to tell something tragic/dark/embarassing but put a positive spin on it. How hard can that possibly be? Most of the ladies do pretty well. Jessa's date is our matchmaker. He can't figure her out, so he decides to surprise her with a lie detector test. Wait a goddamn minute! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?! He is *not* our VH1 lie detector guy! I don't even know if I'll believe his results. He claims that Jessa is telling the truth...she just doesn't like Steve. So..apparently...Jessa doesn't reveal anything?
Ah, the group review. As if we all just didn't watch it. Taylor wins this week. She managed to cover her tits long enough to make a connection with someone. Go team! Jodi meets her guy's son (get 'em into reality shows while they're young!) Who's in this hot seat this week? ABIOLA! It's not from her date and how she revealed her secret, but the fact that she was a total moron on "Cute or Crazy." Steve lets us know that she (and many other women) suffer from a common problem: overthinking. Ooooh...I have so much more to learn from you Steve!
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