Dinner Is Foreplay For City Folk

Abbey, by New Belgium / Aisle 1.5, the 6-pack cooler / $1.50

2009-06-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

by Mitch LeClair

Every good young man’s life should include a semi-solitary night of garden planting, delicious beer, and a freshly rolled American Spirit natural tobacco cigarette. For this lucky writer, tonight was my night.

As I write this review, I sit in my above-hot living room here in weatherly anomalous South Dakota. For the previous week, we Dakotans have experienced quite varied weather, ranging from funnel cloud-inducing thunderstorms, to 50 degree nights, to yesterday’s high of 94. Sometimes a person needs a sort of leveler, a balance in his or her life. New Belgium’s Abbey became such a balance for my life this evening.

It’s a dark beer, but not overpowering or stimulating overloads of saliva in one’s mouth. I’m a guy who likes porters and various other, almost oily dark beers, but on a hot summer night I just don’t want such a thing. Because of this, I was a little skeptical of what Abbey’s bottle proclaims is a “Belgium Ale,” label complete with tulip glass full of a dark, thick looking substance.

However, after one drink, I knew I was safe. This isn’t your typical dark beer, in that it leaves a strong aftertaste, yet it doesn’t leave a drinker grabbing for a chaser. Or a peanut butter sandwich. All I want is more.

Unfortunately, I’m poor, and I could only afford one $1.50 bottle from our local municipal liquor store. (Yeah, our town controls the license heavily. This community of approximately 12,000 in Brookings has only one option in spirit purchases, though the prices of beer and wine aren’t too bad, so I can’t gripe too much.)

New Belgium Brewery recently introduced an a small sampling of its brews to our town. They graced us with Fat Tire - my #1 beer, ever - Mothership Wit, and 1554 just last month. They haven’t been able to distribute to South Dakota previous to this primary round of deliveries.

I like to think a visit by me, my former roommate, his dad, and our friend to the brewery in Fort Collins last summer, and all the hassling over availability issues that ensued, had something to do with their ability to bring us such wonderful brews in our relatively desolate area. Either way, I saw My Morning Jacket and The Black Keys at Red Rocks Amphitheatre that weekend, so I’m content.

But, back to the beer. Right now, I’m about 4/5 done with my glass of Abbey, wishing there was more, wishing this Edgar Winter Group album would get past this cheesy shit and get to on Frankenstein, fucking soon.

I didn’t realize that they made “Free Ride” before my new roommate brought over the vinyl with the rest of his stuff. I thought it was Foghat, then he reminded me they made “Slow Ride.” Oh the things you’ll know.

I can’t think of a decent metaphor to describe the taste of Abbey. I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get after you’re finally buzzed at a shitty wedding dance. A wash of flavor, but not enough to make a person nervous around his or her parents. Or high-quality wine drunk, quickly.

Go get one, if New Belgium delivers to you. Or if you’re ever in the Midwest, pick up one of these fantastic beers, and be sure to follow the brewery’s advice: keep it cool, never cold.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesday

2009-06-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

Omg, another week with Paris! What can she possibly do after the world's biggest cupcake?! Thank god she eliminated the fat girl last week – someone might have made her eat something.

This week starts off with a video of Paris on the oven. She tells the BFFs that they're hosting a dinner for her friends and family. If she has friends, why the fuck does she need this show? Paris sends them to a nice restaurant to learn manners from a French chef. The nicest place some of these girls have been is probably the Olive Garden on the bad side of town. And not a goddamn one of them can understand the French accent. I expected it from the girls, but I'm disappointed in the gay. The French chef trots out the favorite torture food of the rich – escargot.

Obligatory Onch moment! Gaysian in sparkly pink raincoat and a tiara. Bitch, who needs to win when you're on the whole second season?

The BFFs have to cook for Paris. They decide to cook duck. They bought a frozen duck. I'm no master of the kitchen, but I think I would've checked to see if I had to gut anything before I bought it. Paris shows up with two hotties partway through the cooking. They're moving into the house today, and they're new competitors! What the fuck Paris?! Everyone starts to freak out because there are (apparently) straight boys in the house. My vote's on the gay getting both of them.

Paris – we need to have a little offsides discussion. Why are we inviting straight boys? You have ladies and a gay. We all know straight boys – if they're not putting it in you, they're a waste of space.

Back to the show: The straight boy is roller blading around in a Speedo. Thankyouverymuch.

Dinner party time! One of the appetizers is french fries. What the fuck. They make duck with a mandarin orange glaze. It does not go over well...to quote Paris “disgusting.” The ladies are not impressed with the new straight boys. I don't even want to listen to them speak. I listen to Paris Hilton tell people they need to be less superficial.

Paris decides to ask the BFFs questions about their lives. She has looked in their files, so she wants to see if they lie. We get through the first few BFFs without anyone lying. Go team. Caitlin is the first one to lie – she's been with a friend's boyfriend. Stephanie just bursts into tears because she's a lame, miserable whore. Paris decides not to put someone up for discussion after the dinner.

Elimination time, bitches!!! Oh no! Caitlin, Chris, and David are all up for discussion! Those straight boys just got there, lady. Paris...this show has so little eye candy. Please don't send it all away! Time to confront Caitlin for being a slutbag road whore. She admitted it during casting but decided to lie to Paris. She should be eliminated for being a fucking moron. Paris decides to let Tinkerbell pick who's going home. Paris is an even bigger fucking moron.

Chris goes home because the dog doesn't like him. That's a big fuck you, Paris. Thanks for teasing me with eye candy and then taking it away. I was enjoying a half naked straight man roller blading.

The teaser for next week? Paris sends the BFFs to jail so they can see what it was like for her. It's so hard being her!

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-06-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

by R. Spade

Another week, another chance to watch New York humiliate herself on national television. This week, New York is going to be a fast food worker. Seriously? What the motherfuck VH1? Do you have any idea what the hell fast food workers make? And some stupid cunt might make ten grand for showing up for the day? How is that even fair?! … I'm gonna get off my soap box and review the show now.

First task: food prep. New York has to wash potatoes. She has to clean each of them separately. How can she fuck this shit up? Um...I'm not sure that she's washing them off. She's pulling them out of the water and putting them on the counter. That's not sanitary, is it? New York decides the best course of action is to start flirting with the assistant manager. He doesn't give a damn. Big fail on that.

Next: food. The cook is showing New York how to make cheeseburgers. They actually look kinda good. I would be wary of earing anything that New York had touched. Goddamn, that bitch ain't even wearing gloves! She probably has herpes on her hand from touching Flav's crotch. She burns her hand and runs away from the stove while there are a bunch of people waiting for their food. I wonder what this third world immigrant cook thinks of this rich black ho who can't figure out how to cook. Another big fail.

Last task: customer service. Well, New York is the HBIC. She should be able to handle these whiny customers. New York cannot figure out how to order the food. She's easily confused. She can't find any of the buttons or figure out how to work the cash register. She is the stupidest person I have ever seen. You know, everyone has been made fun of fast food workers once in a while, but New York makes them look like goddamn rocket scientists. They frown upon you saying “peace out” at the drive-thru. She is just the most pathetic and stupid human being that has ever walked the face of this Earth. This one white trash bitch in the line is honking like crazy. This white girl orders a veggie burger and a lemonade...goddamn hippie whore. New York calls her a bitch...the woman can hear through the glass. That's not good. Another fail.

Decision time...? Is there much of a decision to be made? She completely failed at every single task that was put before her. Teenagers and retirees can do this job, and New York cannot hold it together for one day. Does anyone actually believe that she can hold down a real job? This was the most pathetic shit show that I have ever witnessed. To no one's surprise, New York doesn't get the money.

Finally – a twist in the show! New York is a pro boxer, and we get to pick who she fights. Mr. Boston (of I Love New York “fame”), Bryan (the jagbag* from the pig farmer episode), or Pumkin (the bitch that spit on New York during Flavor of Love). I know this, I would not want to get in the ring with a crazy bitch with an axe to grind.

*Jagbag = jagoff douchebag

NYC Prep/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

2009-06-29T11:08:00.001-07:00

By Lauren Rara

So basically, even as the show just rolled through its opening credits, I realized that this is pretty much the real life account of those tweeny Gossip Girl books.

Just to preface, all of these kids look like hairy monkies that swallowed lemons and were given the opportunity to dress like people for their television debut. Their personalities only make it worse.

The first two Preparatory School Seniors we meet are Jesse, the blonde girl. And PC the douche. The two meet up because they're nervous about college and apparently the big prestige of Prep school is getting into some great schools. PC thinks since they're wealthy a few strings can get tugged here and there. Jesse wants to just get it to get it, she doesn't want mommy 'n daddy to do it for her. But, I'm sure that's not true, and I'm sure she's just saying it while there's a camera in her face.

So PC sits in a large armchair in a really tight suit and something about his face just beckons me to want to punch it silly. He says that he was born in raised in the upper east side and you would never guess by his general pinched face and ugly attitude.

While Jesse, the girl, (not to be confused with Jesse's girl) talks fashion, I notice that her eyes are far too close together and she looks a bit like a flounder (both eyes on one side of its head). Anyway, Jesse is such a fashionista that she even has her own personal Barney's shopper.

Back to the date (Where PC is drinking a beer and I'm not sure how) the duo talk about the charity work they'll have to do to look good for schools. Jesse wants to get involved more with Operation Smile which helps middle Eastern kids with cleft palates. Kite Runner, much? Anyway, PC thinks this is a waste of time and there are more pressing issues in the world. Like, what if we run out of Yves St. Laurent hair gel? Or maybe his pants will properly fit him instead of bulging his baby package for all to see?

Kelli is 16 and lives on the upper east side. She wants to sing. She's decent, I guess. Sounds like something on the N's Degrassi. Like any normal 16 year old, she and her brother (18) live together in a fancy apartment on the Upper East Side. Family comes in once a week to check in, but other than that they live in the Hamptons. Kelli's tiny face boasts that she doesn't do work, she doesn't do school work and all she and her brother do are go out with friends and party hardy all the time. She says she's glad to be independent, but I feel bad for her because independent doesn't mean living off of mommy and daddy and proverbially sneaking out the window.

While Kelli's out to dinner with her friend Megan, Sebastian shows up. He's also 16 and swallowed similar PC lemons. He likes to chase women, and I haven't been sixteen in 5 years (or straight) but..wtf?! He looks like a surfer cum Monkee cum Tool Academy Drop out cum Pan from Narnia. I guess, to young men everywhere, STIs are STIs and he shall wear them like a badge of honor. FOR NARNIA!

Camille looks like she'd be a Camille. She's rather annoying and loud like a boisterous, starving artist theatre major type. In her bubbly, articulate, annoying tone she explains that she will attend Harvard, get a high powered exec. Job, get a husband and have 2 girls. I'm reminded of a movie I saw once … Village of the Damned. Where all the children had these dark, scary expressions and tried to control your mind. I think that's what Camille is. Currently, she's fretting about SAT scores and finds out via blackberry that she did pretty well, but she could achieve a perfect score. All she's worrying about now is getting some community service hours and just needs some breathing room!

Taylor goes to the public school but has a lot of prep school friends. Even though she doesn't go to the same school, she is obsessed with having the status and all that. To serve this point further, in a scene where she is sitting on the couch at home with her mom she just outright “TELLS” her mom she's having a party…not asks, TELLS. She's so snarky and annoying that I'm not sure why mama spared the rod. Clearly she spoiled the child though. Yes, I went there.

Sebastian and Kelli head downtown to do some shopping since they both love fashion. Sebastian knows he could get her as his gee-eff, but he doesn't want to because he feels like he needs to be free as a bird in his ripe old age. Anyway, Camille calls Kelli about Taylor's party and Sebastian agrees to come with.

Taylor's happy to host instead of party hop. Since houseparties in NYC are just about unheard of, Tay has it at a Japanese restaurant. The guest list consists of both public and private school kids. Kelli and Camille feel out of place and throw each other pouty looks of disapproval because the kids are talking poorly about private school kids. Well, Sebastian shows up and starts flirting with the hostess, sending Camille and Kelli packing because K can't stand the sight of her hairy boi flirting it up with another brunette. Oh no she didn'! It looks like Kelli might even be crying!

Jesse meets up for dinner with her old pal Zoe who talk about fashion because they love fashion because fashion RULEZ. Anyway, they also talk about Jesse and PC and we learn that the two used to date long ago (when they were 14) but it didn't work out so now they're just best friends. Sniff, sniff…what's that smell? DRAMA?! You said it.

PC and Jesse go together to the art and fashion event. Jesse is looking for opportunities with Project Smile and PC just seems to be standing there with his usual sullied expression.

PC sees Kelli and Camille and thinks Kelli is cute and thus gets her number. Jesse hates this and just looks on with a look of sheer disgust and the two younger Juniors just avert her gaze. Jesse has a bitchy reputation. But I think she's actually a bitch so... no biggie. Why the hell Jesse is upset with PC's talking to the other two… thinks that they already have enough friends and don't need more. There's that WE card again. I'm pretty sure you and PC are separate entities, Jess. Otherwise, YEESH. They couldn't put the two of you as one person on the air.

PC is going to have dinner with Kelli. Jesse thinks it's stupid, but PC doesn't really care what she thinks. Ah, the tempo of the show. PC and Jesse have an upscale “Brit and K-Fed” vibe to them. Pretty soon she's going to be commando, driving her Bentley with her teacup poodle not properly strapped into his doggy seat.

Sebastian's passion is hooking up with other girls, because apparently this is a big part of prep school. Gabe is his wing man and also another giraffe-like rich boy with money making up for the beating of the ugly fairy. So the two of them are running game and hair flipping their way to true love. They're on a double date and Sebastian's smooth French talk seems to woo his date, Remy. She thinks he's really hot and that it's SO COOL that he's telling her he wants to marry her in French and all that. I would be thoroughly freaked out if I sat down for Pommes Frites and got Sebastian spewing French at me. Maybe she'll convince him to pluck his brows and manscape a little.

PC sets up dinner with Kelli and is pissed that Camille is there. Kelli basically says to get over it and Camille is there with an angle. She wants to get into some charity work and since Jesse is really into Operation Smile she wants her good graces. Heavens. PC asks the girls what they're doing this weekend and Kelli says that she's grounded. He asks them if they're twelve and Camille offhandedly comments that PC's comment was abrasive. Of course that sets the little twerp off and he thinks they're bitches that act like they know it all.

PC and Jesse go out for drinks. Once again, this is Gossip Girl. I vaguely remember Blair and Serena having cosmos at the Waldorf Astoria. But, at any rate. Jesse says she wants to set PC up, but he wants no girls that are just like him. Chuck Bass anyone? GAYGAYGAY. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, Jesse reminds him that it's not all about him and PC retorts by throwing a water bottle at her. Freaking out, the blonde fishy leaves and PC calls her a massive cunt. Somehow I see him in 5-6 years in the news for slicing strippers' throats in D.C. or cutting people's faces off to wear.

PC then apologizes to Jesse via Blackburry and the two of them make up. He says he loves her. Maybe he'll get an HJ now.

Sree’s/Pittsburgh, PA/Indian

2009-06-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

by Robert Isenberg

Sreevardhan Mekala has dark skin, a big smile, and an unflappable mustache. He looks both relaxed and eager at the same time, like an aikido instructor, and his low voice sings in welcoming: “Khelp you, sir?” There isn’t much small-talk with Sree, but the moment he pours steaming tomato dal over a bed of basmati rice, you feel a certain kinship. You are poor, and Sree offers cheap, delicious food. Your lunch-break is brief, and Sree is the master of efficiency. Sree’s is a Hyderabadi quickie: Wham, bam, thank you kitchen-wallah.

Sree has quite the résumé – raised in Hyderabad, earned his Masters in India, became a biologist and researched for the Pittsburgh Oncology Center. According to legend, Sree’s wife, Vydehi Mekala, used to do marketing, but she tired of all the travel and paperwork. “But I don’t mind cooking 12 to 16 hours a day,” she told her husband. It may sound like a chauvinist fantasy, where a wife turns away from a high-profile job to toil over a burner, and customers call her “Mrs. Sree” instead of her real name. And Sree has also forfeited his career in medical science to a run a store, exchanging one stereotype for another. But when you meet them, none of this seems to matter. They clearly love to serve food. And they love to do it fast.

The moment you enter Sree’s, you are caught in a current of activity: You join a line and peruse the menu, which only offers five different items. The items change daily, but you’re choice is limited – on Tuesday, it’s Tamarind chicken, mixed-veggie tofu, chickpea potato, grape leaves curry, and broccoli with lentils. If you go vegetarian, you get three items; if chicken, you get a vegetable side. That’s it. Sree says hello and takes your order, and within 35 seconds, he ladles rice, chicken, dal and a piece of unleavened bread into a Styrofoam container, seals the container and rings you up. Within a minute, you have a $5 lunch and 50¢ can of soda. There are no individual tables, per se, just a ring of tables pressed against the wall; diners are forced to sit next to each other, like drunks at a dive bar. Napkins are paper towels torn from a freestanding roll; silverware is disposable plastic, stuffed into cubbyholes. A standard-issue Sree’s meal will fill you up in 15 minutes flat, leaving 35 minutes of lunch-break to mill around Downtown.

If you come alone – and most people do – Sree’s is the ultimate place to people-watch. It’s not easy; the layout forces you to stare at a blank wall, away from the other diners, but if you take the time to covertly crane your neck, you’ll see every type of customer: High-powered attorneys meeting between court-cases; Point Park students loudly bitching about their stupid dance coach; and a small army of bike-couriers sucking up rice and curry in a desperate attempt to replenish calories. The great equalizer is the can of Pepsi or Mountain Dew; despite Sree’s commitment to healthy, authentic Indian cuisine, chai never makes a cameo.

Not everyone like Sree’s, or even Sree himself. “He used to order large batches of samosas,” recalls a waiter at Peoples, one of Pittsburgh’s most beloved Indian restaurants. “Samosas are really hard to make. It’s slow, tedious work. And Sree would buy them from us so he wouldn’t have to make them himself, and then he’d mark up the price. So it was low labor, high profit. We got tired of it, so we don’t sell them to him anymore.” The waiter pauses. “But other than that, he’s a really nice guy.”

And it's true: Whatever his minor trespasses, Sree's has become a local institution, where hundreds of disparate diners visit every afternoon to feast on low-fat goodness. Sree's cuisine is so popular that there is a satellite restaraunt -- a little red "food-truck" -- parked on Carnegie-Mellon's campus, and students line up for the window, their ulges bulging with hunger.

Pittsburgh is said to boast a conspicuously large number of Indian-Americans, as measured against the city’s total population. Given how many Indian restaurants there are – a half-dozen in Oakland, the city’s university district, another half-dozen Downtown, and dozens more scattered through the environs – Sree’s is wholly unique. There’s no dinner menu, no reservations, no bussers, no place-settings or TV playing Bollywood dance-numbers. At 3 p.m. the restaurant closes. Pity the bike messenger whose lunch-break is delayed.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

2009-06-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

We have made it through one entire episode in the BFF mansion. Paris sent home two of the ladies last time – who will go tonight?

Onch comes in dressed like the tooth fairy for some reason. The potentials are greed to a 7.5 foot tall cupcake. Apparently, Paris' idea of a challenge is a whacked out Willy Wonka wet dream. The BFFs have to dive into the largest cupcake in the world to find three eggs. While they're looking, Paris starts throwing chocolate onto the girls. Caitlin's egg had a friendship ring. Desiree's egg had a coupon for an exotic dance from Onch. We get to watch as Onch gives her a lap dance which ends with him licking her ass. Katie's egg has the coupon to decide to be up for discussion – she puts Desiree up for discussion. It turns into a cupcake filled cat fight! Paris picks a new pet – she picks Katie! She is possibly the dumbest person on this show. She has a knock off Amy Winehouse beehive.

Katie has to style the other BFFs for the challenge. Katie wears tutus. The boy describes her style as Amy Winehouse riding on the back of a My Little Pony into Disneyland. And I can totally see it! It's sort of like she looked at normal people fashion and the signal got crossed while going through the beehive. The potential BFFs are headed to the salon! Paris is not impressed by what Katie did to her house mates. Paris teaches us the valuable lesson: The outside is just as important as the inside.

OMG! Makeovers for the Miss Paris pageant!! This time, she tells the BFFs that they get to pick their own style and Paris will judge it. While Nicole is trying on the frilliest dress ever, the gay stylist is gossiping with the boy BFF about her. Katie freaks out when Nicole decides to get neon colors in her hair as well.

OMG!!! SANTINO IS THE SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE!!!!! The girls walk down the red carpet and then have to answer a pageant question. Katie comes out looking like a complete and total train wreck – she wears some sort of knock-off Betsy Johnson monstrosity. Nicole completely and totally fails at the challenge. The winner of the Miss Paris pageant is Amanda. I, for one, am so thrilled that Paris is teaching the young ladies of America that how you look outside is just as important (if not more important) than what is on the inside.

Elimination time! The two people up for discussion (in addition to Desirae) are Nicole and Kristen. While the losers fret at the house, Katie and Amanda gossip about the other BFFs during their mani/pedi date. The BFFs aren't too sympathetic to Nicole's major faux pas. Paris puts Katie up for discussion because of the fashion disasters and how she didn't talk. Desirae is safe for the time being – she takes Katie's seat. Paris tells Nicole to stop being such an airhead (does no one else find it ironic that Paris Hilton is telling someone not to be an airhead?!). It's down to silicone Katie and kinda fat Kristen. Paris sends both of them home!!!! Katie then proceeds to cuss out Paris. That's not hot.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-06-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

by R. Spade

What could New York do this week to top the past weeks? We have seen New York deal with bugs, pigs, and naked people. America, when Cole Porter said “be a clown,” I don't think this is what he had in mind.

New York has three tasks: training, heading a children's, birthday party, and performing in a clown show. I like how now her tasks are not even specific (like inseminate a pig) but just general acts that even the most simple of people should be able to do. Thankfully, the clown school makes New York put on her clown outfit right away – lady looks good in a neon blue wig!

The first part of New York's training is learning how to make balloon animals from the ballusionist. I wasn't aware that that was a word. New York is pretty good at blowing up he balloons (although I imagine she has a lot of practice with putting rubber on a tip). New York isn't too terrible at making balloon animals. The second part of this task is to juggle. She is totally awful at juggling on the other hand. She doesn't realize that you can only throw one at a time. The highlight of the episode is the New York sock puppet that Moxie brings out. She tells a completely inappropriate joke (which is totally expected of New York). New York passes the training challenge.

Children's party is the next challenge. New York hates kids. New York has to be sassy but not nasty at the children's birthday party. She gets a little sassy with the kids...she sort of yells at the group of them. One of the little kids just starts freaking out and tells New York that if she touches him he will sue her for sexual harassment. She barely touches him, but Moxy is not pleased. The balloon maker is not pleased that New York makes a disabled dinosaur. She fails the party portion of the challenge.

The last task is to perform in the clown show. This is where New York has to put all of the things she has learned together. That fat obnoxious kid is sitting in the front row. I don't know why anyone thought that New York should be around children for any period of time longer than a minute. She does not have the personality type that one needs to deal with children day after day. For the grand finale, New York spins balls on her arms and head while the other two clowns juggle around her. It was actually moderately impressive. She passes the finale.

Will New York make her ten grand this week? She passed two of the tasks, but she did manhandle a child. I think that that is frowned upon in most first world countries. New York said that after this challenge, she is going to get her tubes tied. She got a no from the balloon guy. A yes from the juggler. Epoxy splits his vote because of New York pushing that little bastard. The final decision: New York fails because she manhandled that child and then she starts to fuck the place up. New York is one classy lady.

Next week, will New York be a bounty hunter, a landscaper, or a fast food worker? Only time will tell...

Real Housewives Of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday nights

2009-06-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

by Lauren Rara

Dina and Lexie come over to see Teresa's house. In Oz. As Dina puts it. The house is insanely large, like one who was playing The Sims and has a freaking billion dollars to spend. I don't even know how one would fill a house of this size. It seriously looked like the Sopranos threw up in here, several times. The coolest part of the house is the wine cellar where Joe makes his wine. Dina and LExie can't stand the smell of the room and I don't blame them. That is one TERRIBLE fuckin' stench. But what do you expect from fermented grapes?

Dina and Teresa sit outside with some wine and Teresa explains that she wants to have a party at a nice restaurant and invite the usual suspects, including Danielle. This news seems to make Dina viscerally uncomfortable. But, Teresa defends that Dani is friends with Jacqueline and it should be okay for her to come. That's not enough for Dina who feels like it's ridiculous and upsetting that Danielle HAS to come to functions. But then she says she doesn't need to entertain her. It's Jacqueline's problem. I agree, fuck 'em. What is this Mean Girls? Don't invite her instead of having her come and ignoring her.

Danielle has the girls come out so that she can show them some photos from her modeling days. While the photos are blurred out, the looks on the girls faces are proof enough that some of these probably aren't exactly G-Rated. Using these pictures as a segue to tell them about the book. Yes, she did strip, get arrested and change her name (in that order). The little 14 year old says she'll trust her mama no matter what and then explains that whoever found this book probably was just trying to make people hate her. She is, and I stand by this, the smartest girl on this show. Lexie could learn from her. Ashley too, probably.

Danielle addresses the talk of the dinner party and seems a bit weary to head there. Jac is relieved because she's neutral like Switzerland and she's tired of everyone bitching. Uh yeah, that shrill sounding Jersey drawl ain't the nicest to listen to.

Jacqueline's parents come in to town driving a HUGE TOUR BUS. I think I actually saw Ashley and Farrah get off the bus to vomit up some Lean Cuisine or something. Anyway, Jac explains that her parents are very laid back non-pretentious types and as they talk about botox and Pampered Chef, Jac's dad warns her of looking like Goldie Hahn. Anyway, Jac asks mom and pops for advice about Ashley's car and her dad, an ex colonel in the army, says to give her some restrictions. 'Cause, you know, Ashley's so moderate. What do you expect from a 17 year old spoiled brat? I mean, really!?

Lexie decides she's too cool for the stuffed animals in her room so she and mama gather up some trash bags and eradicate the plushy problem. Most of the animals reside beneath the girl's bed and Dina jokes that this is what happens when you have housekeepers instead of cleaning up your own house. HARHARHAR Cue snobbish, bitchlaugh. Must be nice. If my mom saw a bunch of shit under my bed, she'd simply throw it out-- no questions asked. They also unearth a DRAWER full of candy. Deluxe candy, too. You know she went trick or treating in the rich neighborhoods. Anyway, Dina takes this as a sign that her house is falling apart and it's not a good thing to be away for so long.

Note to self: never try to fuck with Caroline. She and her husband have a beautiful German Shepherd who is one year old. And the kicker? They're training him to be a protection dog as we can tell by the way he chases down a pseudo attacker and locks his jaws on his arm. DANG. I would never want that big, lumbering doggie to come at me. When they train him with an AK-47 that's when ya really gotta look out. YIKES. Faghettaboutit.

Back at casa del Jacqueline, Chris wants the family to come outside. They give Ashley the car and she just cries and cries and cries. But, shock of all shocks, they lay down some ground rules and remind Ashley that it's their car and she gets to use it as she improves with grades and room-keeping, etc... I wonder how long that's going to last? They probably gave it to her in the end so that the viewers can't see what really happens.

Caroline, Dina, and Lexie all have dinner and Dina tells Caroline she misses being a true blue housewife. I mean, there are so many things happening while D's at work that go on. The bags upon bags of stuffed animals. And, LEXIE IS GROWING BUBBIES! Lexie says she can't stop her from growing and HAY at least hers are real. HA HA HA HA! At any rate, Caroline basically tells Dina to do what makes her happy and in that moment, or as Bravo portrays it, Dina says she is officially retired. What a hard life, Dina... hardhard life.

It's party time. And everyone's invited. Caroline, Dina, and Jackie show up early and everyone mingles around. Jac loves Teresa's new bubbies and honestly they look natural and normal on her small frame. Dina even bought Danielle a little sexy couple'a pieces of lingerie for she and Joe to try out. Oooh lala. Her new bubbies are fantastic, and the talk of the party. Especially when Teresa turns her "high beams" on. Awkward as America looks on to see the high beams as well. More awkward is the question of Caroline's titty authenticity. They are REAL, people. Gash, a girl can't have a nice pair without them being fake in this town, apparently.

Danielle and the girls show up late and don't give any hugs to the hostess with the mostest. The girls are grossed out by the raw oysters and joke and laugh about the texture. They also joke about how Joe wanted to get some right when Teresa came home from the hospital. As Teresa reddens up everyone's face with her re-telling, they guffaw and roll all over the place. It's a nice atmosphere. Everyone's joking around, except for Danielle who out of the blue pulls out THE BOOK. Why? I have no idea. And then no one speaks.

Well of course, Dina breaks the ice by asking wtf?! And Danielle retorts by trying to defend her name and honor. She keeps going on and on with this tirade about how she's flattered people took such interest in her life and Dina asks her if she can stop her. Danielle says no. Teresa says actually she can if she wants. The whole back and forth results in the little tots being ushered outside and the big kids staying for the show. Surprisingly, Caroline remains levelheaded throughout, serving as mediator. Dina is the victim of most of the scandal's getting around town, when she claims she didn't do it.

Caroline has Danielle look at her and say that she's the one that told them and that Dani better stop playing the blame game when it's not true. She claims that the family is "as thick as thieves" and you can't mess with them. SO I'm super confused, I don't know if you fellow viewers are, too. But basically, Caroline defends it was her. Jacqueline pipes in to say it was both of them. And Danielle just keeps harping on Dina. Caroline looks like the godfather and I feel like all she'd need is to snap her fingers for her goons to come out and snap Danielle in half like the twig she is.

WELL it gets back to Teresa, pissed because she's thrown this dinner party and there Danielle is saying she didn't want to start anything even though she brought the book. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS? Teresa jumps up like an animal, flips a table, and nearly rips Danielle's head off. Dina comments that she's never seen her act like that... But when you piss an Italian off...boy oh boy... I know first hand you don't wanna be on the receiving end of that. Especially when they're screaming like that.

Well, Dina says she doesn't feel like Danielle needs retribution, but prayers instead. The rest of the table is in an uproar as the clothes are wine soaked and the food is all over the floor. Danielle says if she ever wants to be friends with them again they all need to apologize. LA LA LA LA. But she still maintains it was in fact Dina that did this to her even though Caroline is explicitly telling her otherwise.

Then Bravo updates us with what's going on in all the girls' lives:

Teresa and Joe are expecting

Jacqueline and Chris are expecting and it's become something the family is close over again.

Dina has retired

Danielle is still searching for her soul mate

And the funniest one?

Caroline is not sorry for the book. She said she'd do it again.

That's hilarious. Everyone else gets a happy little blip and Caroline's is the hard ass gangster one. She's probably in the mob with Joe. Or by herself.

I'll miss you, real trashwives of New Jersey. For bubbies! For Chuckies! For you! Mwah!

Beauty Bar / New York City / Booze & Manicures

2009-06-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

by Eriq

Next time you’re in the East Village, stop by the Beauty Bar for a drink or two. It’s a few steps away from the metro stop at 3^rd Ave and 14^th St, so stop in and enjoy some good music and get a great… manicure?

If you're like me, you don't live in New York City and can't imagine a legal activity that would allow you to afford to do so. Thus, you and I are Visitors To The City (tourist is a four-letter word meaning "please overcharge me"). Using trial and error to find a bar that suits your taste can be time- and money-consuming (think $5 for a glass of water and $13 for a mixed drink), so I did a bit of research before my trip.

My search led me to a former beauty salon now operating as the Beauty Bar. The retro-themed bar, with a row of old sit-down helmet hairdryers, offers some charm and authenticity in a city that can sometimes be short on both. In the afternoon and early evening, the Beauty Bar’s front room is a quiet place to get a drink after a day of exploring the city on foot. As night falls, the overhead lights dim and the music is turned up as the bar transforms into a dance party. After dark, you’ll probably have an easier time getting the attention of the bartender in the back room (it’ll be the one with the loop of Duran Duran videos playing on the wall). On a recent Saturday night visit, the DJ was spinning a pretty great mix of 70’s & 80’s classics and modern dance tracks. I probably would’ve gotten tired of just one or the other, but the DJ kept it fresh and interesting in a way that just another 80’s night wouldn’t have.

Although the nightly $10 “Martini and Manicure” special wasn’t for me, my female traveling companions were overjoyed about the prospect of enjoying both of these things at the same time. The hype turned out to be warranted. The two manicurists on hand were talkative, talented, and each offered a stylish rainbow of nail polish. Throw in a martini (or a beer or what-have-you)? Not bad for 10 dollars. The memory of a manicure-less $13 drink seemed like robbery by comparison. And I think we all know that it’s pretty rare that people leave the bar looking more fabulous than when they came in.

Charm School with Ricki Lake/ Vh1/ Mondays

2009-06-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

By Roughian

Not to be outdone or anything the episode jumps right in to K.O. and Baybaybay sharing some deep conversation about K.O. smoking up and then being raped, to put it bluntly. Those anti-drug commercials weren’t kidding, huh? This is some pretty serious stuff. Make sure you know your dealers, kiddies! Baybaybay sheds a few tears over what has occurred, saying she can’t believe it and offers K.O. some life advice. She tells her she must stop beating herself up about this and stop pitying herself if she ever wants to evolve. I suppose the girls really have taken to last week, but ironically it was Baybaybay screaming “Why me?!” to the skies last week as she told everyone about her exploitation.

Shock of all shocks, indeed! Marcia wakes up to go for a jog and to run up and down the stairs. She says she feels great because she hasn’t been drinking. Which, I’m sure we all can relate to. There was a period of time when, if I woke up sober on a Friday, I felt like a new wo-man.

Thou shalt pull it together is the commandment today which basically means the girls need a plan in life to activate their full potential. Life coach Mark Edgar Stevens is there and he basically promises to help the girls in their personal and professional lives. Marky Mark urges the girls to write down what they want to accomplish in life. After the girls bow their heads and write, Brittanya looks up, puzzled, and explains “I don’t get it.” After some coaxing, Mark asks her about her priorities, to which she replies her son and when she’s at her best he feels happy. Mark says that’s her goal but she still looks at him with a completely blank, almost shocked expression on her features.

For Bubbles to comment on that saying “And you guys call me a bubble head…” You know it’s bad.

Ashley’s big goal in life is to be a nurse. I think I saw that Porno once… big-chested nurse, tiny skirt…innuendos about injections and doses. Yep, definitely. But in all seriousness she wants to do that for her son and the only way she can do that is if she goes back to school.

Marcia fesses up that she wants to change herself and relives a memory about her mom sticking around for the kids even though her father was abusive toward her. “Party’s over” as Marcia puts it and the tequila is out—time for a new Marcia!

K.O. wants to open up a charity for foster children, because she was a foster child at one point. Mark urges her to tell the group “If I can do it, you can do it” but no one believes her because she’s nervously laughing and then gets defensive. I think it’s at least a little bit better than Bubbles’ extreme undulation in the volume of her voice… but that’s just me. Marcia says she’s not sure what K.O.’s problem is.

Bubbles says she wants to be a … social behavioral psychologist, a teacher, maybe do cartoon voices… or help her brother to go back to school. Save her money, get an apartment, finish school, help her mom out… Really, she says all of that. Ashley says she thinks she’s an idiot and honestly all her credibility went away when she took the leap from social worker to the next Bugs Bunny.

Risky’s main goal is to open up. And as we learned from last week she’s having some serious trouble doing so. She’s just scared people will judge her. But not scared that she was on a dating show vying for the affections of Chance… nice.

Baybaybay’s big goal is to have a voice that people hear and stop and listen to. She wants to sing and act. Mark asks her to sing and she busts out a bar of “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Ashley pipes up saying “It’s obvious that [she] doesn’t need Charm School… it’s not going to help her stop being annoying…”

Mark leaves them with the advice of “basically just work on getting that first step…”

An hour later, the girls are on the bus. Ashley says she felt a little unsafe driving out there. But the short bus pulls up at a place called Wilson Family Childcare. When they step out back they see a rather dilapidated yard strewn with toys and broken playground equipment. Ricki and Stryker are also there with a woman named Lizette Wilson,the owner for thirteen years.

The challenge is two teams of girls will have to build playground structures and whoever is the fastest is Dean’s List.

Marcia and Bubbles are team cap’ns and after some confusion on picking or being picked, Bubbles begins her choosing process. K.O. and Baybaybay.

Marcia has Ashley, Risky, and Brittanya on her team.

The building starts off with a bang when the girls can’t even adjust their tool belts to fit to size, setting a tempo for what is undoubtedly to come!

Marcia’s team decides to split up the work to go faster, but, as Ricki points out they probably need to be done in order. Kids are going to be playing on these things! The Milfs aboard should know that. Anyway, hilarity ensues when Bubbles tries hammering in a screw, K.O. nearly knocks Baybaybay’s head off with a falling power drill, and the girls general looks of perplexity reign over my laptop screen. K.O. learns to use a power drill with ease and finesse, but makes a huge mistake by putting the beam in the wrong area. Bubbles’ team seems to be flying through their challenges, teamwork helping all the way! The chicas work into dusk and are urged to stop after Ricki and Stryker call time. Luckily a construction company is going to come in and fix the play sets, but alas they are unable to be played on right now.

Because neither team finished the challenge both are susceptible to elimination. They do get to meet the kids, but have to head back to have dinner with Ricki.

Candid dinner calls for candid questions. Baybaybay asks about child birth and says she’s had dreams about dying in labor. K.O. explains that’s how her mom died and it tugged on Ricki’s heartstrings to know that. It pisses Ashley and Marcia off to no end though because they all wanted to get to know Ricki and instead “K.O. won’t shut up.” Yeah, because one who lost their mother in childbirth is really out of line in talking about it when the subject is brought up. GOD.

Ricki has all of the girls at the table say who they think will win charm school (not including themselves). Risky and Baybaybay choose K.O. because they think she deserves to feel special and womanly. Marcia chooses Bubbles because she’s finally learning to stand up for herself. Brittanya chooses Ashley, saying she’s softening up. Ashley picks Brittanya because she says she’s going to need the money for legal help. K.O. chooses Risky because she feels similar to her hard knock life situation.

After dinner the girls sit around and, like any girl above the age of 16, do shots and giggle. Marcia sits back and watches, looking thoroughly miserable. Baybaybay jokes about her needing a drink and then K.O. offers her a sip of her cranberry and vodka, saying it’s just cranberry juice. The girls are a little stunned and Ashley says it’s F*cked up to do something like that. Marcia left after that. The smartest thing she’s done all show. She just says it’s hard, and it is. I mean, no kidding she has an addiction and being around a house full of drinking and fun is probably hard. It’s hard enough to be DD let alone the sober friend. Geez.

K.O. comes upstairs, swaying with drunkenness and immediately she is that friend that cannot control themselves when they drink. She says her mom died with a bad heart, but Baybaybay’s confused because the conversation at the dinner table was about the madre dying in childbirth. Bubbles even says K.O. is craving attention. Out of the mouths of babes. Or rather, Bubbles.

The next day K.O. went to the hospital but the girls are all skeptical about how K.O. is probably bullshit. So Baybaybay goes to talk to Ricki and basically explain that she feels K.O. needs some help. She also said that Baybaybay is so generous for giving up her spot on the carpet and praises her for feeling articulate and sweet. Cue the dramatic music.

In detention, the results are in. Most of the girls vote for K.O. except for Bubbles who votes for Risky and K.O. who votes for Marcia. Lala is floored because everyone was so happy to be around K.O. yesterday.

Elimination time. The girls are quiet and moody and finally fess up to the alcohol joke. Stryker and Ricki get extremely upset at the “joke.” Risky and Marcia speak to K.O.

Risky says that she just feels that K.O. is inconsistent. K.O. starts crying and bawling and Baybaybay feels really bad for her thinking that she needs to be in her place instead. Ricki laments at the toughness of this situation and has an idea to try and remedy it. Ricki thinks she can’t put these girls away. Baybaybay steps in to keep true to her word about standing in for someone that was more-deserving of being that. But in a shockaroo, K.O. offers her pin back!

AND THEN TO BE CONTINUED! NO!!! So who is going home?! My guess is Baybaybay, but who knows with this show. I feel like I’m back on my basement rug watching T.G.I.F and wondering what’s to come of Corey and Topanga.

Chana Masala/Prep Time: 20 minutes/ Cook Time: 3+ hours

2009-06-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

by Aleister

Feeds 3-4 alone, 5-6 if served with rice.

Okay, so, before you get all uptight about food that has to cook for several hours- this dish is completely worth it. And while it cooks, you can burn some Nag Champa, do some yoga, and listen to Ravi Shankar. Chana Masala, which translates roughly as “Chickpeas with spices” is an easy dish, a staple of Indian food, and you'll never forget the orgy of taste and spice dancing on your tongue when you eat it.

Ingredients:
1 tbsp olive oil
¼ large white onion
3 cloves garlic
1 large bell pepper, any color
2 cans chickpeas
½ can peas

Spices:
1 dash salt
1 ½ tsp ground cinnamon
1 ½ tsp black pepper (ground or peppercorns)
1 ½ tsp ground cumin
½ tsp turmeric
½ tsp ground ginger
½ tsp ground clove
½ – 1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
½ tsp ground coriander

Preparation:
1. Heat oil and add garlic (whole) and onion (diced). Sauté until onions are soft.

2. Add bell pepper (cubed), both cans of chickpeas (undrained- the liquid will become the sauce), and peas.

3. Stir in spices. For the cayenne, add none for a mild dish*** (which will still have a kick due to the cinnamon and black pepper), add ½ tsp for a medium dish, and 1 tsp for a hot dish. Simmer for as long as you have – the longer the dish cooks, the more time the flavors party together, and the better it tastes in the end. Cook for at least three hours, and if you have ten hours, then cook for ten hours.

**A quick note about the level of heat: If you've eaten Indian food, you know that hot/spicy/ten-out-of-ten means SPICY AS HELL. Adding the full tsp of cayenne will create a dish so spicy that you'll sweat when you eat it, and consume mass amounts of milk to cut the spicy. This is the best way to eat Chana Masala – if you like really, really spicy food, then make this really, really spicy.

Enjoy!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

2009-06-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

By Lauren Rara

Let me preface this review by saying that I'm glad the season finale of this show is next week, because this week's episode was so tediously boring that there was good, solid, ten minutes where all I wrote down in my handy dandy notebook was "Atlantic City/ Bubbies" then had a bowl of Corn Flakes. C'mon, Bravo! Where'd all the drama go?

Well, to answer that one... Danielle and the women were separated by Caroline/Teresa/Dina's weekend hideaway to Atlantic City. The girls' decided that with all the impending Danielle drama they all needed a girls' weekend away!

On the packing front, Teresa heads over to Dina's house and skeeves the hairless cat (which I've come to know by name now--Gramma Wrinkles. Now, if you're going to buy a 1500 cat, name it something other than that! Anything!) Dina laments that she won't be wearing any swimsuits because she's put on ten pounds, but Teresa still thinks she looks good. Personally, I think Dina has a legitimate body, and Teresa's a bit too skinny, but, she seems like the kind of person that's always been skinny. I don't know, Bravo. Why did you just make me think about something so pointless?

Since Caroline has no one to yell at for prowling after her angelic sons, she tells the viewers about the family's personal trainer that comes in three times a week to help them work out in their in-home gym. Like any good Italian, Caroline loves food and says she keeps fit because it's important, but she's not going to turn down a slice of cheesecake. You only live once, the more arteries you can clog, the better. Nah, but seriously, my kind of gal. The only drama with the work out is that the kids kick the work-out dummy so hard that he springs a leak. Uh oh, MILDEW! Caroline exclaims! And then they work out. And Lauren punches the work out man. And the boys lift weights. And Bravo needs some new shit to talk about because this took about five whole minutes out of the show.

So finally, the trio makes it to Atlantic City where they stay at this fantastic hotel called "The Water Club" which is "not as opulent as other places in A.C." Yeahh, right. The marble floors and champagne from the bellboy aren't opulent at all. The only chica missing from the trip is Jacqueline who figured she'd stay home with her family and lay low, not wanting to hear anymore crap about Danielle. In Atlantic city, we see that Teresa brought enough clothes to dress all three of them and enough swimsuits to match. Gia calls her mom to tell her that Milania is screaming for her. Teresa bids her little babe goodnight with promises of purses and bicycles and instructs Gia to "give [Milania] a lip gloss or something."

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Jacqueline and Ashley sit down to review Ash's progress in summer school. She's been doing a lot better and asks her mom if she can get a car. Jac says she's on the right track for one! Little does miss thang know, she's got a brand new Jeep!

It's Danielle's birthday, and her daughters sweetly pepper her with balloons, cards, and homemade gifts. Danielle explains that she's had a falling out with Jacqueline and they haven't talked as much since the whole book fiasco. The long and short: she misses her best friend and she thinks she has to break up with Steve, too. Tough life, sweet girl. Time for a hobby besides pumping iron and botox?

Back in the less-opulent (eyeroll) part of Atlantic City, the girls visit a jewelry store where pieces range all the way up to a million dollars. Dina tells us that Teresa is a jewelry whore and is always having things specially made to match her hat and bag and shoes and all that. She tries on a 280K bracelet with intent on buying it and then a MILLION dollar necklace. What ever happened to getting your knock off jewels at TJMaxx? Or Tiffany even?! Regardless, the shopping trip continues with a call from Lexie to her mommy and the talk of Teresa's need for implants. Lexie seems tired and homesick and she can't wait to come home. Much to the delight of mommy, dearest! Enjoy the damn peace and quiet, Dina...are you nuts? Pretty soon she'll want hairless cats and boys over and you'll be bitching.

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Jacqueline takes Ashley to a mother-daughter photo shoot because she's been rather down on herself for the past few weeks. Buy her ice cream. A photoshoot? With the guy that shot America’s Next Top Model Winner Carridee? These women really know how to spoil the hell out of their kids. Anyway, Ashley seems tense and awkward as she's getting her pictures taken, not even really smiling and just generally looking strange. Jac keeps trying to encourage her by telling her to loosen up and that she looks beautiful, but all this seems to do is make Bratty cry. When it comes time to review the finished product Ashley, slumped in her chair, remakrs that she hates all the pics. A direct insult to the photographer, if I do say so myself. And thus leads Jac to want to slap her when it comes time for mommy-daughter pictures. Jac also says she was thinking about giving Ash the car, but not now that she's acting like a little wench. I don't blame you. Stick her in the warehouse and take the car for yourself.

Drama hits A.C. when Teresa receives a phone call poolside from Steve. He says that he and Monique want to have the beach house for the weekend. Teresa's like whoa, hold up, what happened to Danielle? Steve says "I guess we're still hanging out, I dunno..." But the call ends and the drama flames grow. Teresa says she's not really talking to Danielle so she probably won't say anything. The rest of the ladies discuss that Steve was with Danielle mostly for the sexual aspect of it. Even balding Steve could probably get his jollies off from someone less artificial as Danielle.

Lexie's home and tan! She says all she basically did was shop 'til she dropped. And, no water parks! Dina was thrilled about that. Everyone is due to receive a present, even Gramma Wrinkles, the cat, who receives a lady bug ensemble that she does not want to wear. To me, that was the best thing that happened all show up to that point. The cat does this cha-cha slide of a walk with this ridiculous thing on its scrawny little body and I rewound the Tivo just to make sure I could see it again.

Teresa and the girls (clad in matching zebra outfits) + hubby go out for dinner. There, they discuss the fake tits which husband says he doesn't care about either way. Teresa says she wants them and Mr. Soprano says that a happy wife equals a happy life. Hardly a happy life with the three screaming children around the table. GOSH, someone discipline your children. But it's hard to say that when they're talking tatas in front of the toddlers.

Regardless, Teresa goes for the consult with Caroline, Dina, and Jacqueline. The three latter mentioned ladies are quite "blessed" by the saline gods (save for Caroline who is au natural, yet still blessed) and all are there for the minus A-Cup. After playing pass the implant, Teresa's excited to get her full B.

Steve and Danielle break up. Well, sit down at something that looks like Coney Island while Danielle wails that she isn't going to spend the rest of her life with some man that probably has a mother as old as she is. (To which Steve does not reply...I'm sure his mom is younger). Anyway, the relief on Steve's face is almost palpable as he hands her paper napkins from the plated dispenser. If I could put one of those cheesy Blind Date-esque thought bubble quotes it’d probably be something like “This is easier than I thought it’d be, and I still got my fellatio! Score!”

To keep the role as mommy, Danielle heads home to tell the girls that she and Steve broke up but he promises not to be gone from their lives like “some people.” The littlest daughter says, “Who, R or J?” And they debate a bit about who was worse. Danielle wonders, aloud, why guys always seem to lie to her. And the fourteen year old (and clearly wisest one in the house) say it’s because of Danielle’s “goodies”. Danielle looks dumbfounded, but I don’t know why she would be. She seems not to care what information she tells her children, but quickly covers it up with “your goodies are for your husband, right girls?” Yeah, I’d want it different for them too if I was a stripper involved in a drug ring with that much silicone throughout my body.

Boob day has arrived and Joe drives Teresa out to the doctor’s. A bit of banter is exchanged and Teresa makes a comment about all the fun “pre-play” the two of them are going to have. Joe, laughing, says “what’s pre-play” and Teresa catches herself. “Foreplay! Oh!” Clearly Joe does not beat around the bush—literally. While at the boob doctor, Teresa decides to bump up the volume to a full C, as per Joe’s suggestion. And after she goes through with it, Joe gives her flowers and they rejoice about her new C cup. Teresa expects Joe to be her nurse and to even wear a thong. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Banana hammocks freak me out. (Please believe I just had to sing that Gwen Stefani shit is Bananas B-a-n-a-n-a-s to remember how to spell that word. Must. Stop. Drinking. So. Much.) He retorts with a “Now you have boobs and not just nipples” which made me laugh hysterically. Oh, Juicy and Delicious—you are such a quick wit!

The end of the episode is Jacqueline and Danielle out for D’s birthday dinner as promised. Obviously conversation begins to stray toward the whole drama with Dina and Danielle and the book and Jacqueline, very diplomatically, explains that she should not discuss this stuff around her anymore because family’s family. This seems to upset Jac, but, hey. This is the exact same end scene as every single episode. I’d like to see Danielle and Dina duke it out in a Turkish oil wrestling competition. My money’s on Gramma Wrinkles, though.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesdays

2009-06-12T11:11:00.001-07:00

By Lauren Rara

Don't feel bad, Teresa, it's hard color-coordinating your kiddies. You deserve a break!

Teresa, on the other hand, makes up her mind. BOOBS the word and she's going to get them when she gets home.

Looks like Teresa flips over a table in the next episode…She better not pop an implant!

Bob Dylan/Together Through Life/April 28, 2009/Columbia Records

2009-06-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

by Aleister

At some point- damned if I know where- Bob Dylan became a character in his own music. On Modern Times, he was a gambler, a hobo, a miner, sailor, and a million other illustrations of Americana along the way- and he was drunk the entire time.

Together Through Life contains twice as much fiction and three times as much booze. The characters which somehow make up Dylan's psyche are all here, having a party that everyone's invited to- he's a drunken blues-man putting on some kind of revue on “My Wife's Home Town,” (which is “Hell,” by the way); he's a former sharp-shooter in “If You Ever Go to Houston,” and he even manages to sound like an old, rich pervert trying to take home a 17-year old girl in “Shake Shake Mama.” Only once on the album does Dylan really sound like he's not playing a part- the sardonic closer “It's All Good,” where he growls the title phrase of the song- and I can't tell if he's serious, sarcastic, or completely disgusted. Vagueness is one of Dylan's fortes.

Dylan's music has always been filled with characters, so the thing that makes Life so different from Modern Times lies in sound and attitude. Life is much less serious than anything Dylan's recorded since his renaissance began (in '97, with Time Out of Mind). Some of the bluesiest songs contain unpolished music, rough around the edges, like it was recorded on a runaway train barreling through a tunnel after two rehearsals (“Beyond Here Lies Nothin',” “My Wife's Home Town,” “Jolene”), but that's the point. And the lyrics on those songs only sound like throwaway lyrics. Blues is, ultimately, music about gut feeling, and Dylan's got it here in excess- the slut that charmed away his money on Modern Times has come back, beat him up, killed his dog, and burned his house down. And he turns it all into a sub-melodic growl that sounds like its coming from the dead love-child of Vincent Price and James Earl Jones.

Dylan's been singing blues for years (listen to Blonde on Blonde, from '66, if you doubt me), but its been refined so much along the way that now, finally, the man is a blues artist, more than he's even been before. And thank the gods that he and his fans seem to have accepted it, because the last decade has seen not only a renaissance for Dylan, but a complete resurgence (remember that Modern Times held the number one spot on Billboard for a time); after nearly 50 years, Bob Dylan remains one of the finest songwriters in the world.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

2009-06-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

Omg. I am totally traumatized that Britney and Paris didn't last as friends! Who knew that competing for someone's friendship on national television wouldn't work out? Apparently, these 12 remaining bitches. We get the priviledge of watching how rich people decide who's really their friend (I wonder who Nicole Ritchie beat out...).

First, we move in into the BFF mansion! Luckily, Onch (our fabulous Gaysian from season one) is there to help the ladies along. This week, we're going to learn about sisterhood. Thank the gods Paris is such a philosopher. Paris splits the ladies into two teams – Leather and Lace. Before we can start the festivities, the ladies need to suit the fuck up. Among other things, this show highlights the complete and total couture (and intellectual) tragedy that is Paris Hilton. Onch's “thing” is that he dresses like a Harajuku girl, but Paris is supposed to be fashionable.

Paris makes the ladies do shots of liquor mixed with caviar and anchovies. Gross. Although I imagine with a few drinks in her, Paris will throw anything in her mouth. Timecia pukes but still ends up as the pet. Fabulous. We need to start out with a stereotypical black girl on this show – Paris' show ends up a bit white.

Challenge! Sisters Before Misters! (As someone who's been Bros Before Hos-d before, it's totally lame). Paris decides to throw her friend a bachelor party and unleash the potential BFFs on the friends. For some reason, Paris did not predict the craziness that would ensue. It's probably due to the mass amounts of alcohol and silicone mixing. How'd the ladies do? Just as well as you'd imagine someone who wants to be friends with the herpes mess that is Paris Hilton. Highlights: Monica just ends up flashing her snatch all over the party, and Arika makes out with the guy who's getting married.

Paris totally freaks out at the make out. She completely blames Arika and doesn't seem to care about the boy at all. Completely reinforcing my theory of Paris as the ultimate anti-feminist (next to that cunt Tinkerbell). In, what I consider to be a brilliant piece of humiliation, she makes Arika walk by all the other contestants in a walk of shame. At the end, she presents Arika with the fiancee of the guy she made out with! She also makes Arika tell the fiancee that. For Paris' amusement, we get to watch a girl's heart break in half. Ya know...maybe I have more in common with Paris than I thought... Scary thought. Thought over.

Time for eliminations. OMG! Paris has the Lady Gaga hair bow! I'm not sure how this makes me feel about eliminations, but I'm definitely enjoying it more. Paris does her usual spiel about how much a BFF means to her (which is hilarious for someone who has a fucking show for it!). Even though Kaitlin is a total fake bitch, she sends home Arika because she made out with someone's fiance. Good lord! Paris eliminates Monica pulling a LiLo and showing us that firecrotch. Is Paris planning on having more than four episodes of this show? Bitch needs to lay off the eliminations!

So what did we learn this week? Paris hates the girls involved in drunken make outs, if you can puke up your shot and get back in the game you're golden, and she thinks that tutus are appropriate attire. What the fuck, Paris?

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-06-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

by, R. Spade

New York is truly an inspiration to us all. Over the past few weeks, we have learned about how to face our fears (if only to get ten g's). This week, New York is going to show us how she deals with man's best friend – no...not silicone. Puppies!!!

I'm not entirely sure why, but the idea of New York with puppies totally freaks me out. I think it's something about how cute and innocent puppies seem while New York has fucked Flavor Flav. You know, the stereotype of crazy cat lady has nothing on the crazy dog lady that owns the Bow Wow Bungalow. New York, again, has three tasks.

First, New York has to clean the kennels. She seems completely unaware of how serious these people take their doggy day care. New York is armed with a pooper scooper and latex gloves. Oh...thank you VH1 for the sound effects while she's scraping poop off the dog's bed. I'm moderately nauseous. Luckily for New York, there's a washing machine she gets to use to clean the bed linens. Shockingly, New York cleans the shit up with little to no complaining. She's definitely getting better at doing the blue collar jobs!

The woman who owns it says she hopes New York doesn't freak out. Seriously. Have these fucking people ever seen New York or any show that she's on before?! All she does is freak out!!!! New York wonders why the dogs are sniffing at her “vajayjay.” I think they know when they're around their kind. New York and the other employee are exercising the dogs. It's a lesson in trying not to hit yourself in the face with your giant silicone tits. When a dog bites her, New York threatens to bite back. New York only does a moderate amount of panic.

Last task? Dog bathing. New York is definitely learning life skills that she will be able to use in her real life. I'm surprised New York knows how to wash hair – she doesn't need to wash that weave much. She gets to clean the dog's asshole with a baby wipe. She spends a significant amount of time with her hands in odd places on animals. The small dog causes a lot of trouble for New York. She gets tired and walks away. Ah yes...this is what it's like to be a normal person: if you get tired at work, you can walk away! I guess it would be too much to ask for New York to do well on all of her tasks.

Employee review time! The people from the first two tasks say yes. The chick from the third task says no. That bitch has the look of someone who wants to be a reality star...I think she's just jealous! Does New York make it? Holla! She gets her ten grand!!!

What will New York do for the amusement of white blue collar America next week? Junk removal worker, clown, or matchmaker. All of these ideas have so many possibilities...

Charm School w/ Ricki Lake/ Vh1/ Mondays

2009-06-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

by Roughian

This may just be me, but it seems like it rains a helluva lot on the set where Charm School is filmed. Or maybe it's just for affect. Peanuts-Style. It was a dark and stormy night *cue wind* when there arose a clatter from the upstairs bedroom, creeping upstairs I threw open the door and screamed! An awful, terrrrible fright! The girls without makeup! AGH!!!

Just kidding-- they sleep in their makeup, duh.

Natasha's main goal in the house is to "get rid of Darth Vader Ashley." The moniker was earned by the nasty ass piece of death that rests helmet-like over the blonde's head. Along the same lines, Marcia seems to be hell-bent on egging on the rather hot-headed Brittanya. Since Britt's got a track record, she can't kick the tequila-gulping babe's ass like she wants to. Instead, she and Ashley just snuggle up in bed and hiss mean-spirited remarks at Marcia. Wait, are we sure this is a new episode?

The commandment d'jour is "Thou Shalt Face Thy Fears!" The girls meet with a world-renowned fear-specialist who describes that fears build up from prior hurt, thus making people defensive and moody, and "cool." Vh1's cinematic gold does a quick shot to each of the girl's who all nod affirmatively. I was waiting for Bubbles to raise her hand and shout "Hallelujah!" But no dice. On a more serious, hormonal note, I definitely felt my eyes welling up at the admittance of Brittanya's darkest fear-- not being there for her son because of her impending jail time and subsequently screwing him up as a person. Ashley can definitely relate and cries strategically so as not to smudge her makeup.

K.O. is next who admits she's afraid of losing her brother, stating that it's not even worth being alive without him. The whole teary-eyed bunch comes up and tells K.O. some of her strong points. How dare you, Vh1! How dare you play on my heightened emotional state! I demand chocolate and Midol from you for life!

Next is Baybaybay who claims she has a stalker. Dr. Allie's means of resolving this is to turn some of the fear to God. Then, the girls play "light as a feather stiff as a board" and encircle Baybaybay, lifting her up so that she can fully feel all the fear-releasing goodness inside of her. Baybaybay learns that she needs to let go. If she really has a stalker, then that's seriously fucked up. But part of me is wondering why she'd broadcast it on television-- it's only going to fuel the sicko's fire.

Ashley gets up saying that she is also kind of ashamed of what her son has to look up to as a role model. She also gives a sappy story about her mom working a 10 dollar an hour job and supporting two kids. I think I'd strip too. Tons of cash and Tyco toys for your little brat. I wouldn't have the darth hair, though.

Bubbles says she was sexually abused. And I'm not going to make a crack about that, because it's not right. And the support thing was actually kind of beautiful. Gosh, I wish more women would realize there are groups and support like that. Keeping it all bottled up inside is no good... at all.

On to Natasha, who basically says she's scared of people because they're crazy. But she's not, right? Dr. Allie says that way of thought is not actually living... saying that Natasha needs to crack open and try to live again. But Natasha won't do it, much to the disappointment of Lala! And me. Stupid Natasha and her deep, pretentious man voice. Away with thee!

Risky bawls. I'm sure the girl's got some serious demons. But she doesn't want to talk about them and after explicitly stating it, K.O. goes "I mean it's really clear Natasha doesn't want to open up..." Does Vh1 need that little mindless quip? are they really trying to fill that much space? Even Farrah watching at home can probably comprehend this...

The challenge involves puffy, colorful jackets and other warm clothes, but the nature of it remains undisclosed.

Baybaybay says that she can now see why everyone acts a fool in the house. It wasn't hard to guess that.

Well regardless, the chicas load up onto the bus and pull up in front of a pretty run down edifice resembling an old asylum or hospital. Baybaybay gets quote of the night by saying "I'm thinking it's an insane asylum...we just got rid of Brittaney Starr, and I don't need anymore crazy people in my life!" Except the other 5 girls sharing the bus with you.

The challenge takes place at an old hospital that is now believed to be haunted. The girls look on with wide-eyed fear about what they'll be doing there. As an avid paranormal television fan, I'd want Chip Coffey, a rosary, and maybe some kind of Ghostbustin' equipment ala Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd.

Stryker explains that the girls' challenge is to make the hospital safer. Why at night? Because it is time to face fears! But, weird, no one talked about being afraid of ghosts. Unless these ghosts are stalking, homewrecking, evil, evil men then I'm not sure how this is going to correlate. In the dark, alone, in an abandoned hospital is not the same type of fear. The good news is, these ridiculous challenges raise money for various charities. Couldn't they just have a bake sale or a mixer like normal sorostitutes?

Basically the set up of the challenge is like MTV's oldschool show "Fear"... with the safe room and the communicator. The blue team chooses Risky as their communicator. And the pink team chooses Baybaybay.

The first task is closing and securing open body lockers in the morgue for 200 dollars for charity. This task is for Natasha and Bubbles who follow Risky's directions in the dark and creepy hospital until they find what they're looking for. The morgue is littered in debris and spider webs. The directions are to close up the broken doors, but to first remove all of the junk in front. The first broken door closes easily but the other has something lodged in it, which Natasha beckons Bubbles to climb into and fix. Bubbles does it and Natasha gets pissed when the girl's a little jumpy. Seriously? You try climbing into a morgue door in the pitch black, sweetheart. I'm pretty sure that's why you sent the dumb one in to do it.

Pink team's task is collecting rat traps from the laboratory. Marcia and K.O. suit up for this one, cussing from the get go as a strategy to ward off any lingering spirits. Of course! That's what you should do to -not- aggravate spirits. The whole thing is extremely comical. Marcia kicks and bitches her way into boarding up the window and sticks by her whole swearing at the spirits motif. After that is completed, the girls gather up all the rats in the traps.

Ashley's next for the blue team and her task is to disarm the electrowhositwhatsit machine down there, alone. she says she's terrified of the rats, but I'm pretty sure the rats would be terrified of her, too. Ashley ends up in the creepiest room...with a shock treatment chair and a bunch of psycho graffiti all over the wall. To top it all off, the reception on the walkie is going and Ashley's petrified. I would have ran away screaming at that point. Visions of things coming out of the walls and up to take my soul peppering me along the way. Anyway, Ashley gets lost enough for Natasha to have to go down there and rescue her. Natasha claims she's a fuck up, but, hey...I'm sure she would have done the same exact thing. Unless, I think I've figured her out. She's a vampire. The Twilight kind that can be out in daylight and glitters!

Brittanya's last and she basically breezes through her challenge-- which is to clean up all the junk in the testing room. Well, biohazard-laden materials. In another sheer light of genius, Brittanya explains she "doesn't know what that means... and that there are a bunch of scissors and shit what should [she] do?" Vocabulary challenges aside, she completes the task and compliments Baybaybay on her directional skills (after being asked "And how were the directions?" by the source).

Marcia, K.O, Baybaybay, and Brittanya win leaving Risky, Bubbles, Natasha and Ashley in the detention room. Natasha, Bubbles, and Ashley are on the carpet.

Ashley says that Bubbles needs to leave because she's stupid... but, alas, then she can't even open the door the right way to get out of the room. What a smirk on Stryker, too.

At the deliberation, the trio of Charmers talk about Risky and Natasha's lack of changing saying that Natasha outrightly refused while Risky seemed to have some kind of legitimate rationale in that she didn't want to talk about them again. Stryker says that's a cop out, but Stryker is a cop out, too…so I guess it takes one to know one?

Bubbles has a complete meltdown and I know I shouldn't laugh but I was reminded of Austin Powers, when Mr. Powers wakes up and CANNOT CONTROL the VOLUME of HIs VoICE! Bubbles just seems to panic and try to make a claim for herself saying that she was brave and all that junk. Stryker and even Ricki seem to have a hard time holding back their giggles. I'm not sure why Bubbles is on the carpet, though…but if there's only 4 to choose from I suppose it makes some sense.

Oh! I almost forgot! Marcia makes a promise not to drink while on the show. She says one sip and she's out. One can almost smell the plotting between Ashley and Brittanya who will probably infuse Tequila into her orange juice or something. Have I been watching this show too long? I shouldn't think of sabotaging ways like that!

Natasha claims she voted for Ashley because "The only reason [Ashley] is doing anything is because Farrah's not here" which makes no sense to me, Ricki, or Ashley. But Ricki also has her doubts because this is the fourth time Ashley's been down on the carpet and it's a bit unsettling to the ex-talk show host.

Well after some deliberation, Ricki thinks that Ashley still has strides to make and thus leaves Bubbles and Natasha on the carpet. Bubbles tries to defend herself again, saying she has made changes. There goes that volume of her voice. Oye vey!

The high-pitched pleading seems to work for Ricki and she saves Bubbles, thus sending Natasha home claiming she doesn't seem to want change as much as the other girls and she hasn't come far enough along yet. After her expulsion, Natasha says she doesn't want to change because if she opens up she'll undoubtedly find friends just like Ashley. Exactly! We all are just like Ashley. It ain't stripping if you got it, after all.

Good choice, Rick.

The Cougar/Wednesdays/TVLand

2009-06-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

We have reached the end of an era: the final episode of The Cougar. Stacey has narrowed it down from twenty hotties to the final two: Colt and Jimmy. These are not the two boys that I thought would make it to the final two (sorry Travis), but I'm just a cougar-in-training. Stacey says that she is falling for both boys.

The biggest challenge: Colt and Jimmy meet Stacey's kids. I understand having the two boys meet the older children, but that youngest girl looks like she's about twelve goddamn years old. What the fuck is Stacey's issue? She says that if her kids don't like one of the boys, then it's a total deal breaker? I absofuckinglutely hate people that base their entire lives on what their kids think. Stacey takes her son to help with lunch and leaves the daughters with Colt. In a completely screwed up way, Stacey is treating her son like he's her father. She says that Grant thinks he's the man of the house, and he should feel like that. What the fuck is going on with this family? Colt starts up with his goddamn guitar again. He's really good at it, but he seems like a one-noter. I could see Colt more with the daughter than with Stacy...hmm...I wonder if the daughter would be able to hook up with him once the show is over.

Now its Jimmy's turn. He shows up with food and flowers. He doesn't want the kids to get the wrong impression of him aka the impression everyone else gets: that he's a body without a brain. Quite the body though. Apparently, Jimmy's last girlfriend had two kids. It's the girls' turn to question Jimmy. He definitely seems to cater to the children more than Jimmy did. The youngest daughter asks Jimmy if he's falling in love with Stacey, he says yes but he wants to keep it a secret. Child molester much? Grant takes Jimmy off for their little alone discussion. It's hella awkward watching a 15 year old interrogating a 23 year old about his mom. Jimmy gets along with the children better because he has the same IQ as they do.

Now that Stacey's kids have met both our finalists, it's time for them to discuss them. Stacy has some sort of fucked up relationship with these kids where they're more like her friends/parents than her children. What do these kids know about relationships? That fat daughter is probably a virgin.

Stacey has a last date with each of the boys. Both finalists got along well with the children, so there's no make-or-break on that. Colt and Stacy have a drink, and Colt writes Stacy a song. Again. I like out-of-work musicians just as much as the next lady, but I also like to know that they are able to do something else. Luckily for Colt, Stacey thinks it's endearing. He admits that he's falling in love with her. Stacy's starting to look a bit ragged around the eyes – maybe these 20-somethings are finally getting to her. Jimmy and Stacy have dinner. Jimmy could be quite the little househusband. Oh! He wrote Stacey a note that he follows up by saying he loves her. This boy is playing to win.

The final kiss-off. Thankfully, for the dignity of the boys, she does these separately. Vivica A. Fox wishes them luck and sends them inside. Stacey tells Colt how she feels about him and asks him to kiss her. Stacey loves him, but she's not in love with him. Ouch. Oh thank god...they put a camera in the car so we can watch Colt's heart break. TVLand...do we really need to spend five minutes watching this poor guy cry? Even I think this is in poor taste. Jimmy's turn. The same series of events repeats. He gets the lips! We're treated to some Bittersweet Symphony sounding music while they make out.

What surprises could be left for us Cougar fans? JIMMY PROPOSES!!!! Oooh...that's a nice rock. She says yes!!!! Let this be a lesson to all you skeptics out there: you can find true love by competing on a reality show. The show ends on a soft-focus montage about their history on the show.

The Black Keys / Three Rivers Arts Festival / June 5th

2009-06-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

by Eriq F

In the interest of fairness to you, our reader, I will begin by saying that I am not a Black Keys fan. I couldn't tell you their names, and I don't feel like doing the research so I can learn them. I do know that I saw their concert the other night for free. One of them played the drums, and one of them played the guitar and sang. More on that later.

The Three Rivers Arts Festival is an annual tradition here in the Formerly Steel City. For the past 50 years, folks from all over western Pennsylvania have come to downtown to browse over-priced art that they will never buy, and funnel cakes and chicken on a stick that they will buy too much of. Again, I don't feel like doing research to give you dates, so I hope it will be enough for me to say that live music has been a part of the festival ever since I can remember. Despite a huge budget cut and a shorter planning period, this year's festival keeps alive the tradition of free concerts, although the roster of musicians does not boast big names like Sonic Youth or Wilco.

The Black Keys are moderately well known, but I have my doubts that they would have been able to draw an audience of thousands of people if the show were not free and surrounded by greasy food, sugary beverages and beer. Even so, the Black Keys turned in an inspired performance that conjured up ghosts of blues and rock bands past, a perfect fit for this aging and ever-nostalgic town.

While the playing was top-notch, the Keys' tended to get into a bit of a repetitive groove with their solos, at which point I was glad that I came to the show with a few friends. The crowd might not have been paying attention through the whole 75 minute set, but ultimately, that wasn't really a problem. Like the festival as a whole, the show seemed more about uniting a huge group of people in one place for a while. The music was essentially just a pretense for a few thousand people to bring a few friends, kids or dogs down to the remodeled Point State Park and enjoy a good summer evening. If you have the chance, I suggest you do the same.

The festival runs until June 14^th.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

2009-06-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

by Lauren Rara

Well, well, well, if it isn’t a visit from the rumor fairy, gracing upon the lovely county in which our housewives lay.

The “coming up next weeks” have been promising a reveal of Danielle’s dirty little secrets and in this episode we viewers finally get our share of the yellow journaling mommas.

Anyway, the episode starts off with a quaint dinner between Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle. Danielle immediately starts firing at the girls (but mostly Jacqueline) saying that the rumors circulating about her are not true. She’s not a husband stealer. She doesn’t have sex with trainers in exchange for their “services” and she thinks it’s really shitty of Jacqueline especially to believe any of it. Basically through her tirade, she wants to know who has been spreading the rumors. I’d like to know who has been spreading them too, so that Danielle will shut up…and maybe leave?

Cut to Dina, ironically, who is helping Little Lexie pack up for her two week vacation in Cyprus with her biological father. Dina’s rather upset because the way she sees it, she and Lexie are like a modern day Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, against the world. Our lovely buxom mommy is quite scared of her little baby travelling the streets of Greece alone, thinking that all the Greek boys are going to try and woo her. No offense, and I’m sure someday the little one will grow into herself, but for now I don’t think that’s something to worry about. Eeesh. Dina leaves us with a warm, maternal note—claiming that the only thing she and Lexie argue over is panties and bubbies! Dina still wants her to Hanes her way, but Lexie’s all about the So Pink Victoria’s secret collection.

Teresa heads on over to Jacqueline’s place with some exciting news. Mr. Juicy and delicious wants to take Salsa dancing lessons and Teresa wants to know if Jacqueline is in. Of course she is! But, unfortunately, Danielle needs to be included as well and the whole lot of them head on over to a dance studio where they will all take lessons. Funny thing for me is that it was tiny Joey’s idea for this dance off and the entire time he’s there he can’t take two seconds to pause and not let the word “gay” come out of his mouth. Hmm. Anyway, the folks are all having fun with their two steps, and of course, Danielle has to take it seriously. But listen, if one is used to “professionally” dancing they’re going to take it seriously. If the only thing in life that you’re good at is dancing and working out, you’re going to flaunt it, I guess. Well, the rest of the gang just goofs off, but Dani has a plan. When Caroline’s son Albie steps up to be her partner she constantly makes sure his hands are at her gyrating hips. Caroline senses a cougar on the prowl and feels personally insulted when she sees this, but continues to lay in wait like a cobra. Teresa pipes up and says that Danielle was “mauling” Albie, but Albie certainly didn’t look like he minded or maybe that’s just the Italian kindness inside of him.

What pisses Mr. Gay-basher off the most is when he and Danielle are dancing and he calls their instructor gay. It upsets Danielle, and for once in the show I agree with her. Well, Mr. Mafioso can’t take this heat and so after all the dancing is said and done the real tango showdown begins. Danielle tries to call Joe out again for saying yet another gay slur and he barks back and her and in her wise, wise way the ex-dancer explains, “I’m not your wife so don’t yell at me…” Which, of course, pisses of Teresa who chooses not to comment just then and there.

Dina wasn’t able to attend the dancing soiree because she was planning Lexie’s going away party. I didn’t know that people got those for going on vacations, but at any rate, I plan on going away for a long weekend to Ohio—would someone like to buy coleslaw and pasta salad in bulk for me? Thank you! The usual suspects show up, Teresa’s little “angels” all dressed in matching pink bikinis and hair clips. Adorable in that American Girl Doll sort of way.

Caroline speaks about the way Danielle was with her son, Albie, who says he was simply scared of the way she dominated him on the dance floor. Caroline, without missing a beat, says that when you look someone dead in the eye it means you want to do them. Well, poor news for the rest of us polite folks that simply want other to know we’re listening. But once again, Albie makes no real complaints. Maybe he liked the “Cha-cha goldfish” all up on him, ya dig.

Jacqueline and Chris go to the fertility clinic only to find out that age is not just a number. In fact, when you’re trying to conceive at an “older” age the chances of complications are higher. Jac and Chris relish in their son CJ and share a hug outside the doc’s office. Jacqueline wishes she could give her eggs plastic surgery so they’d look younger and flourish with fertile ability. The sad thing is, by the look on her face, I was reminded of Bridget ala “The Girl’s Next Door” and thought—she … she might be serious.

Back with our Gilmore Girls, Dina begins to cry as she begs and pleads Lexie not to go to any water parks in Cyprus because of the weird “butt disease” that one of her friends got there. She also laments about the Lyme disease contracted by Grandma Nina in Germany and hopes Lexie will steer clear of all that. The nasty, hairless cat keeps appearing and if they haven’t gotten sick from looking at that disgusting furless thing, I’m sure Lexie will be fine in Cyprus. Trunks packed and smile protruding, little Lexie leaves her mommy for two whole weeks. Adios!

Danielle shares a caring moment between her girls while they toss some dough in the air to make a pizza. She explains that these girls are her only friends and the viewer can only wonder what is going to happen to the poor darlings with this woman as their example. Danielle also explains that she tried to apologize to Teresa and the woman hung up on her. Juicy/Delish Joe probably told her to. I wouldn’t want that little mongrel nipping at my heels over something like that, and I’m sure Teresa doesn’t either.

The girls, sans Danielle, have a slumber party and, as Caroline explains, they’ve found out all about Danielle’s dirty little secret. The girls have unearthed a book called Cop Without a Badge that apparently exposes Danielle as an ex drug dealer, kidnapper, and prostitute. Each woman is read up on their Danielleology and knows a thing or two about her cryptic past. Since Dani’s ex hubby wrote the book, Caroline notes that if any of it is false she’ll be the first to apologize. I have a hard time believing that, and DANG it must have been one ugly break up if your ex-husband writes a book exposing all your secrets.

Jacqueline, despite the pressure to “break up” with Danielle from her sister-in-laws, goes over and talks to Danielle about what’s in the book. Danielle claims that it was all the boy she was dating at the time’s fault. He was involved in all that jazz. Danielle implores Jac to reveal who it was that gave her all this information, even though she knows it was Dina. If she knows it was Dina, I think she should just confront her. And I’m not sure what she expects from a group of Italian women. They’re thick as thieves, to quote Caroline. And they do not let off on their grudges easily. Plus, Dina warned the other women that she’d go Brooklyn on Danielle and kick her ass.

The day has finally arrived, where the Soprano’s aka Teresa, Joe, and the kidlets get to move into the dream house. All of the plush, leather, beige sofas and useless other things. The little girls all have their own palatial rooms and Gia even gets her own bathroom complete with Jacuzzi. When I was a child, a new My Little Pony and a Kids’ Cuisine sufficed… but now, shit. How can moms anywhere compete with that? Gia needs her things right NOW so her mother tells her to go ask Alberto if he can help her carry up the suitcases. Little shi—sweetheart that Gia is explains that because the man’s name is Alberto he probably speaks Spanish and she doesn’t speak Spanish. Poor Alberto does in fact speak English and helps Gia bring up her cases of what appears to be only denim miniskirts.

Anyway, while all this is happening, Gia’s agent calls and asks if Gia wants to do Gossip Girl on Friday. Of course she does, DUHH!!! How the hell this little tyke knows about the drug-habit, man-eatin’, cut-throat gossip girl is beyond me. Actually, faghetaboutit. It makes perfect sense.

We are left with dinner between Tommy, Danielle’s bff omg 43ver who happens to be gay and fabulous. Well, Danielle breaks down to him about what’s been going on with the “meanies” and basically tells him the story of how it was all framed and she really had nothing to do with any of it. Prior to that she mentions that she and Tommy had been best friends for twenty-some years, yet he doesn’t know that about her? Hmm. Also, her tears are faker than her tits in my opinion and as she “cries” she listens to Tommy’s advice of just confronting the situation and that will be the end of it. Danielle agrees, but I’m sure this is going to end poorly. It’s a bunch of hot headed Italian women with ties probably deeply rooted in the mafia. What else could happen but a fiasco?

Bravo…uh…Bravo, you’ve got us hooked.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-06-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

by R. Spade

I cannot even imagine what must be going through New York's mind right now. She's royally fucked up her last two jobs, so she's out 20 grand. I'm sure that she'll give it her all because she is such an amazing example of a human being. What could New York do this week that could possibly even come close to topping her ghost hunting adventure? Exotic animal trainer!

This week, in what is probably an attempt to get New York to pass a week, there are only three challenges. But don't worry – New York still has an ample chance to make a total fool of herself on national television. You'd think that watching her try to be a productive member of society would eventually become obnxious or even boring. Luckily, that is not the case with New York.

I know what you're thinking: but I already watched New York deal with animals when she was an exterminator! Don't worry...these are exotic animals. I have two favorite moments in this episode.

Watching New York try to lure a hawk to her. The trainer tells her that she has to bait the hawk, and all's cool with New York – she's used to chasing things that don't want her. Shit hits the fan when she's told that she has to bait the hawk with something other than her gigantic fake silicone tits. She has to hold cut up bits of quail until the giant scary bird flies to her. Shockingly, New York does this. She bitches and moans as she does with everything she has to do, but she gets bird guts under her faux nails.
New York and a tiger. Nothing says “good idea” quite like that woman and a large cat. Apparently, no one told this tiger that New York is the HBIC. Just watching her try to figure out how to act around a four hundred pound tiger is worth its own episode. New York has to get a tiger to jump from one platform to another. It's fucking hilarious! This bitch can barely walk a straight line on her own let alone make a wild animal do the same thing. Those two have more alike than they realize.

Now, the part that didn't make it to my fav two moments is that at the beginning of the tiger clusterfuck, the tiger starts chasing and tackles one of the employees. This causes New York to start sobbing like a Christian watching a passion play. Unbeknownst to New York, this is all an act! They are trying to show her that she can't be a goddamn stupid cunt around a giant cat. Now, I normally think that New York is totally fucking overreacting about the stunts she has to do for her ten grand, but I don't even know if I could stay calm if they made me deal with a fucking tiger.

Will New York make her money this week? How has she survived missing the twenty grand that she lost out on by not being able to deal with nudists and ghosts? Well, before you get too worried – New York passes!!!!!

What will New York be next week? Doggie daycare worker? Auto mechanic? Super market employee? Well...we've already had the joy of seeing New York interact with animals (both dead and alive) and people), so America...I'd vote auto mechanic. I'd love to see that bitch get oil in her nasty ass weave.

Thai Me Up/Pittsburgh’s South Side/Thai

2009-06-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

by Imogen V. Shahrazad

Ok, I’ll be honest. I’m a big-time wimp. I can’t handle even the most pathetic level of spice in my food. More than one waiter/waitress has derived great amusement from my request for a spice level or zero or one and a glass of milk to ease the inevitable burn. I swear this is relevant information in light of my relationship with the food at Thai Me Up, as I’ll explain in a moment.

Thai Me Up is an adorable twenty-seat restaurant on E. Carson St. Cheery orange walls and large plate-glass windows provide lots of light and make this a great place for a casual dinner with a few friends or an informal date. The servers are extremely polite and prompt, and you can plan on being out of the restaurant in under an hour if you’re in a hurry. Or you could, you know, hang out. In general, the atmosphere is almost suspiciously non-threatening.

As far as beverages go, Thai Me Up makes the best Thai iced tea I’ve ever had. The red tea is topped with a layer of sweetened milk that doesn’t get gooey or sticky on the bottom of the glass, which is a problem I’ve encountered at other restaurants. Admittedly, it’s so sweet that I find it hard to finish sometimes, but I can almost always convince a friend to finish it for me.

As an appetizer, my dining partner Chaynes and I always split an order of spring rolls. Each order comes with two fried rolls with an assortment of shredded vegetables inside. The sweet dipping sauce makes a perfect accompaniment. Also, they are small enough that they won’t ruin your appetite before your entrée arrives.

Finally, my choice for Best Entrée of ALL TIME is the pineapple curry. Remember how I said spicy food is not my thing? This dish is so delicious that I don’t mind the dripping nose and the tingle of dissolving taste buds that I experience as a result of eating curry. The meal is served as a small mound of white rice in a little bowl and a larger bowl of the curry itself. The curry sauce is a beautiful creamy orange mix of coconut milk and red curry filled with a mix of sliced carrots, pineapple chunks, and in my case, fried tofu. (Others may choose to add meat instead.) This is the kind of dish that proves simplicity works.

In short, Thai Me Up is fun, tasty, has a delightfully naughty name, and definitely worth repeat trips.

Charm School with Ricki Lake/ Vh1/ Tuesdays

2009-06-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

by Roughian

When I hit “info” on my Digital Cable’s menu option and read that tonight’s episode was called Bubble Trouble, I immediately thought two things. One, it is possible that something happens with Bubbles or Two, someone’s breast implant malfunctioned.

Well the episode starts out with a reoccurring theme: Brittaney feels that she doesn’t fit in being a washed up porn star with all the up and coming strippers and felons amongst the show’s contestants. She said she’s not cut out to be picked on because everyone from her hometown loves her (and her money shots).

Marcia steps off the moment of elimination and decides to celebrate by drinking poolside. Bubbles invites Marcia for a swim with her, but, actually is scared to DEATH when the Latina loses her top. I really think it’s a bad idea to mix tequila, chlorine, and the dangerously low IQ in the house.

The girls are up bright and ugly for their next challenge and are all outfitted with sweats to wear. Bubbles shows off her incredible dance moves like “Give us a sweeeeem, give us a sweeem” and “Row de boat, row de boat” while the girls, particularly Ashley, look on in disgust. What happened to that dancer love?

Today’s example is “Thou should treat thy body like a temple” and to amplify that, the girl’s sit down with Stryker and Dr. Shapiro who tells them how bad smoking, drinking, and eating fast food is. I’m sure these girls aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box, but they must know how bad smoking/drinking/and eating crappily are. Most girls seem to take well to the lesson, but Marcia says (even after Dr. Shapiro describes the terrors of cirrhosis) she still wants some booze. Ashley gets up to do some push-ups and cannot because her boobs are too heavy. Weird. I thought silicone helped ya float, not sink. I guess that only applies to water, though.

The girls split up into teams “playground style” as Ricki puts it to come up with activities for Buff Buddies, a group committed to having fun while keeping kids active and fit. The winner will be the group that racks up the most calories on the kids’ calorie counters attached to their arms in 30 minutes.

Natasha says she hates children because they need to grow up already. And ironically, so does she.

The teams are: Natasha, Brittanya, and K.O.; Brittaney, Ashley, and Bubbles; Bay bay bay, Risky, Marcia.

Ashley laments that she is the smartest on her team and that considerably worries me.

So the girls have 15 minutes to come up with a routine for their groups. Risky’s team seems to have it all together while Brittaney’s team gets blindsided by Bubbles who just wants to “swim in place” prompting a seriously peeved Ashley to roll her eyes and scoff. In Ashley’s defense, Bubbles’ strategies are no good and are sincerely obtuse and far-fetched. Or, as Bubbles describes it: “Bumpy.”

Natasha’s team also has some of the same hiccups… too many opinions in too little of a space.

Another winning quote: “Too many chiefs and not enough Indians.” I shouldn’t be laughing at someone else’s expense... but I can’t help but wonder what goes on in that pintsized brain of Bubbles.

When it comes time for the groups to meet the kids, they realize they have half an hour to get their kids to burn their calories. Winning team goes to the Deans’ List while the losing team heads to detention. The kids are cute to Natasha, but, as she reinforces, only at a distance. Ashley grumbles at how “freaking creepy” Bubbles’ obsession with sea creatures is.

Each team has their kids running and jumping, throwing balls into inner tubes, bouncing on trampolines, “swimming in place” and acting a damn fool. Regardless of how silly it may seem, Buff Buddies’ coach is quite impressed with the way they’re handled. After some delegation, and a bunch of burnt of calories, Natasha’s teams wins with a grand total of 299 calories leaving she, Brittanya, and K.O. safe from expulsion. Natasha wishes she would have been on a team alone because she hates the fact that Brittanya and K.O. ride on the coattails of her victory. Or, as Ashley puts it “Brittanya knows how to deal with kids and there were also two athletic men on their team…” HA.

Ashley blows up at Bubbles saying that working with her was like “talking with a retarded child” which really hurts Bubbles and even prompts some responses from the other girls. These arguments on the show hurt my hearing and an insta-headache usually happens.

Anyway, back t the house, Bubbles decides it’s time for her to move out. Marcia moves too, INTO Brittaney’s bead… and the shocking thing is, is that Brittaney allows it. Well, she allows it because “Stress causes cortisone which causes weight problems and aneurisms and heart attacks.” Hey, at least she got something out of the lesson of the day. At any rate, she calls up her boyfriend to chill out and is caught saying some “mean” things about the rest of the girls or, rather, “teeny boppers.” Apparently those words freak and Bay bay bay and Risky come out and freak out on her claiming she plays “the victim.”

K.O. is confused as to why Brittaney wants so badly to fit in and be accepted if she doesn’t like any of the girls and is so disconnected from all of them. Brittaney just wants to be liked. Newsflash, sweetie, this is a competition, and at the end of the day, another bitch is going to pull out your weave to get her money. Risky says she wishes Ashley and Farrah would’ve kept her locked in the bathroom. I hear ya, girl.

Brittaney sleeps on the tiny couch in the locker room and even Ashley feels bad about it. She said to move into their room because it’s not right to sleep into the couch. Well, obviously, bitch has motives. She wants to pit Brittaney against Marcia because she knows she’s going to get her vote.

At the meeting between Brittaney and Ricki, things seem to be going swimmingly for a tattle tale. Britt tells Ricki about Marcia’s drinking habits. Bubbles also rats out Ashley. Ricki likes the “victimized” Bubbles because she can sense a change in her.

In detention, the final verdict of votes are: Brittaney, Marcia, and Ashley. Surprise, surprise.

The girls deliberate and Ashley apologizes to Bubbles for calling her retarded. Ricki wonders if that’s prompted just because she’s down on the carpet. OF course Ashley says no, but, she’s the kind of Megan bitch that would apologize and be fake for no reason. Marcia claims she has not gotten into anymore arguments, like she’s pledged. And Brittaney is quieter than she’s been since 1989 (according to Stryker). She fakes crying and starts bs’ing about her usual needing to be liked nonsense. Risky pipes up and calls her out because she is a liar and describes the phone conversation she and Bay Bay Bay heard. Lala laments about the lying and fakeness, wondering who Brittaney really is.

Regardless of all the confusion, Ricki takes all the comments into consideration and sends Brittaney packing because Charm School isn’t the best place for her. Ashley is changing and Marcia needs to realize her addiction problem.

At least Brittaney gets to go home and get some “nookie.” Like she hasn’t had more of that in her lifetime than anyone.

Natasha is pissed that nappy, Darth Vader Ashley is still around and makes a plan to get her the eff out. May the force be with you, Natasha.

Tori Amos/Abnormally Attracted to Sin/May 19, 2009/Universal Republic

2009-06-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

by Aleister

If you've heard anything she recorded since 2000, Tori Amos' latest won't surprise you too much. Tori's last three albums have all been in the same vein, and she's likely whittled her fanbase down to only the most dedicated. In fact, her last two releases, 2005's The Beekeeper and 2007's American Doll Posse, likely alienated even those who were entranced by the elegant Scarlet's Walk (2000). As a result, it may be only the most dedicated who pay any attention to the insane sonic clusterfuck which is Abnormally Attracted to Sin.

I would, though, advise those fans to pay a little bit more attention this time around. Sin is, in the first place, enjoyable from beginning to end, which is very likely untrue for Tori's last two. The sickening sweetness of The Beekeeper is nowhere to be found, nor the mood swings or bitchiness of American Doll Posse; Sin also finds Tori sounding as natural and comfortable as she did on "Scarlet's Walk." Though this is her fourth consecutive album clocking in at more than 70 minutes, Tori has managed to cut herself down from 23 ("Posse") to 17 tracks. She's even stopped trying to convince us there's some fancy concept behind the music.

And the highlights are sometimes brilliant: “Not Dying Today” is catchy without being kitschy; “Mary Jane,” Tori's ode to marijuana, is her most successful foray into music-hall pop; “Give” and the title track both revive Tori's old drum machines, and use them perfectly; and “Lady in Blue,” a typical epic Tori closing track, features one of the more beautiful vocal performances in recent memory. The absolute highlight is “Maybe California,” likely one of the finest tracks of Tori's career.

Of course, at 70+ minutes, there's bound to be some bullshit. “Welcome to England” and “500 Miles” sound like (forgettable) 80s singles, and “That Guy” is, bluntly, poorly written. The overkill of synth-and-drum on “Police Me” sounds ridiculous in comparison to the artful uses on “Give” and the title track. Tori would be well advised to cut her albums down – this is the third in a row to have a few too many unnecessary tracks. It isn't as bad this time around, but its beginning to become annoying. If the quality of her next release is up to par with this, without the five weakest songs that she'll want to include, she may find herself faced with the comeback album she's been trying to craft for nearly a decade.

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF/MTV/Tuesdays

2009-06-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

by Veronica Wilks

I admit, despite going through “hard news” journalism school, I am in no way an unbiased journalist when it comes to reviewing anything involving Paris Hilton. I’m pretty sure the world would be just fine without her, and the only thing she was involved in that I can favorably review is the episode of Southpark that based a storyline around her. It was called “Stupid Spoiled Cunt.” So…there’s my disclaimer.

In the second season of this show, contestants compete to be Paris’ new best friend. It’s your standard reality show contestants: deluded, pathetic, seeking 15 minutes of fame. OK fine. But can’t they do it with dignity on The Bad Girls Club? Bending before the throne of a woman whose greatest achievement is…oh wait…there isn’t one…is beyond worthless. Like Paris, these people have no talent, personality, or skills to speak of. Many of the contestants look alike, and are former strippers or cocktail waitresses, so it’s impossible (and pointless) to remember who each one is.

Even if I let all that go, the format of the show really annoyed me because Paris’s parts were so scripted. And she’s not an actress. Watching her recite lines about “what it really takes to impress me” or what’s “just creepy” made me hate her even more. Is it really so hard to just talk like a normal person? Does some poor MTV intern really need to make cue cards with phrases like, “Now, we’re going to see how they act when they think I’m not around”?

The show follows a standard “perform in a competition and then be judged and cast off” format. This week, they had to do something for “Show and Tell”…to show and tell Paris how much they loved her. What an awesome display of creepiness for the sake of ego! There’s no way to do well in that competition, which explains why Paris hated them all. But when you’re trying to imitate and impress a hateful person, the result is going to be pretty much hateful.

Paris also went undercover and posed as a contestant to see how they behaved when they thought they were alone. No big change: they were still just idiots! And even with a black wig on, so was she.

Even with MTV’s six minute commercial breaks, this show was too long. If I go to hell, I expect the devil to subtract 30 minutes. I did my time with Paris.

So You Think You Can Dance/Fox/Wednesdays

2009-06-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

by Veronica Wilks

To me, nothing says summer like the arrival of So You Think You Can Dance. There’s nothing I love more than walking on a warm night to get frozen yogurt and rushing home to watch the hilarious auditions, and, eventually, the incredibly inspiring competition.

SYTYCD is like an American Idol for dancing but it’s so much better. First, who doesn’t love to watch good dancers shake it? I can do without bad cover songs—sorry, I’ll go to my local karaoke bar for that—but it’s not every day you get to see raw talent like this show. The dancers come from all over and have different styles, from tap to hip hop to contemporary. The top 20 compete in partner duos with a different style of choreography each week. The changing choreography is what keeps this show so exciting. They work with some of the best, and the routines are done full-out, with costumes and lighting.

The judges and the host are also amazing. Cat Deely, the host, is British, and is the antithesis of every bobble-head Seacrest wannabe we have in the states. Her accent, her outfits, her hair…this is a woman we should all aspire to be. Then there’s British judge Nigel, who looks like one of the BeeGees and Mary, the loud one, who you wish was your aunt, because every family get-together should have someone who hoots and hollers like she does. The third judge rotates weekly, but they are always talented, kind, and brilliant dancers.

The other thing that’s great about this show is that it’s a feel good hour of TV. Starting with auditions, they rarely show the rejects (except the people obviously there for a laugh). The backgrounds of some of the dancers are really inspiring too—I cried twice in the auditions, when I realized how much an expression of emotion dancing is. There’s no backstabbing or drama (probably because they aren’t drunk 99% of the time like other reality shows)—just maybe a crush between a couple dancers.

The best thing about the show is the music! My ipod always fills up in the summer with amazing beats I had never heard until then.

The only downside is that it makes you think you can dance. That’s not a good thing in my case. It never fails to make me take a hip hop class at the gym. This is not where I belong!!!! Watch it, but leave the dancing to the dancers.

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

2009-06-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

The cougar is in Vegas, baby! She's down to the final three boys, and she has a series of dates planned (with the possibility of an overnight stay).

Jimmy goes first. They have some sort of car race in which the cougar totally trounces Jimmy. She compares their relationship to the cars (because she's literary scholar) – they're living life in the fast lane and it could crash! Stacey and Jimmy then go to the casino where he shows he can play a mean game of blackjack which is important in any relationship. They have a classy dinner by the pool. Jimmy talks about how he gets butterflies in his stomach when he sees Stacey...aw. They go to a rose covered room where Jimmy tells Stacey that he thinks that they have everything it takes to make it! They then proceed to make out on the pool table – she likes it. Our cougar is a classy lady.

Travis' date is next. Stacey takes him to a a spa to get wraps and massages. Travis gets to paint the seaweed on her back – every man's dream. Our cougar and Travis head into the steam shower. He says he didn't look at everything, but he should have. Travis says that he doesn't want to hop into a serious relationship since he's so young. What the fuck happened? Did you totally want to blow it? Wait...tell her all that Travis. Gimme a call. He figures out that he totally lost his damn mind at lunch, so he plays the piano. Which he does beautifully. Travis apparently has never been in a real relationship before (which isn't surprising since he's a 21 year old, and all men are douchebags). She invites Travis back up to her room! Oh! Our lady has a bed with a mirror above it.

Colt goes last, but he's the most bad ass at the start. They're taking a helicopter to their date. Colt's a bit nervous about being up in the helicopter, but he's keeping it together pretty well. Colt overcomes his fear of heights with Stacey at his side. They then go to dinner in a private dining room. Stacey invites Colt up to her room for dessert. Oh...burn for Jimmy, huh? Colt tells Stacey that he's starting to fall for her. They decide to go to the hot tub...saucy.

Vivica comes over to the house (because, you know, she and the cougar are BFF) to help Stacey figure out her feelings. Stacey is doubting her decisions, and this is going to be really hard for her. I don't think I would describe rooting through a house of boys like a sorostitute looking for her Plan B on the floor as “soul searching.”

Who will she send home? Who has Stacey decided no longer has a shot at love and isn't there for the love of the Cougar? Colt is called first. He's still in the game! Oh! Either Jimmy or Travis is going home at this point. What is this bitch thinking?! Who is she going to send home?! Jimmy is next. Oh...oh...I'm nervous for Jimmy. OOOOH!!!!!!! HE IS STILL IN THE GAME!!!! My baby Travis is out. Everything was going fine for him until his fucking mother showed up. That goddamn Stepford whore got her boy kicked off.

We're down to our final two. She has a beta boy musician and a smoking hot trainer. Next week, the two remaining boys will be meeting Stacey's children (yes! Finally she's going to exploit them!). I'm putting my money on Jimmy...and my phone number somewhere Travis can find it...

Max Tundra / Parallax Error Beheads You / November (2009)

2009-06-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

By Chaynes

An equation for you:

Nintendo + Stevie Wonder + Progressive Rock + Cutesy Whispered Vocals = Max Tundra

Parallax Error Beheads You, the debut album from “bedroom” producer Max Tundra is a very strange listen. The album is fast paced, fun, eclectic, cute, but also complicated and artfully constructed. Despite the effort above, Tundra manages to resist (mostly) the inevitable process of analytical breakdown.

The constituent parts listed above, however, go a long way in determining what this album evokes in its listeners. The most “single” like song on the album is “Will Get Fooled Again,” where we see the speaker trying to employ many of our modern conveniences to find love: Google image search (an interesting tactic!), Ebay, MySpace, Friendster (people still use that?) etc. Of course, these searches are in vain, but we forget about that when at about 2:00 mins, Tundra smoothly transitions into what can only be described as a prog-rock synth breakdown. This juxtaposition, Dream Theater-ish keyboard running against the almost ska-like early verses, proves how versatile Tundra can be.

The genre mashing is not as effective elsewhere on the album, however. The Stevie Wonder of the above equation comes into full effect during “Which Song,” where Tundra hits the keys like it’s Innervisions all over again. A few fun verses give way to an extended synth jam that drags on a couple minutes too long, not utilizing the building and sweeping effects that “Fooled” does so well.

Sometimes it feels like Tundra is self-consciously flexing his versatility muscles, putting too much in too little space. However, he doesn’t give listeners much time to worry about it, as almost all of the tracks fly by at disco-dancing speed. “Orphaned” effectively shows how adept Tundra is at complicated keyboard/drum machine programming and sequencing, but after about a minute the initial effect wears off and this listener is ready for the next track.

There are lots of other weird, fun, sometimes slightly disappointing but definitely party-ready songs on this album, and overall it is more interesting than tons of other indie-electro offerings in the past year or so. Tundra seems to fit into the niche crafted by Dan Deacon (reviewed here only a few weeks ago): strange looking men who spend a whole lot of time in their bedrooms crafting really intelligent dance/pop music that engages the listener in a flurry of sounds, textures, and grooves. Where Deacon, however, has a sense of how to build an album through varying layers of intensity and interaction, Tundra’s Parallax feels more scattered, like he had some great tracks and some tracks to just fill in the gaps.

An engaging listen? Yes. But a repeat listen? Possibly not.

Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

2009-06-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

By Lauren Rara

Tuesday’s episode showcases the brilliance of Teresa working a GPS as she drives from Jersey to NYC to meet with Wilhelmina Modeling Agency about Gia’s future in baby-models. Surprisingly, the woman calls Teresa out on being a pageant mom as she looks over little Gia’s portfolio chock full of this little girl with a full face of makeup. This stuff creeps me out behind belief. How do you even get a little girl to sit still long enough to apply liquid liner, curl their lashes, and pepper them with enough blush to make a clown jealous. Teresa gets a little defensive, stating she paid $800 bucks to have those cards in that portfolio done. Wilhelmina just wants natural, obviously. Look at Miss Dakota Fanning! Her eyebrows remain un-darkened and she’s quite the little success story.

Dina goes out with she and Caroline’s brother Jamie who is a celebrity Chef/stylist by trade. I am not sure what you go to school for in that regard but at any rate he needs D’s help in picking out a “look” for a stylist space. Dina’s got a “bitter pill to swallow” with her business being so up-and-coming and ridiculous. Hubby yearns for the housewife in her, but Dina’s more on the path of “desperate” housewife, i.e. designing huge homes and making money, money, money.

Cut to Jacqueline who sits down with daughter Ashley and explains to her that she didn’t pass two of her classes. Ashley, seriously, looks to her mother and says “I thought you could just take care of that…” From the looks of things, I think that’s not the first time Jac’s had to “take care of things” in the academia sense. Ash needs to go to summer school and maybe, just maybe, they’ll teach her how to sit still for two seconds without swaying her extensions from side to side. It infuriates me that these children have everything handed to them down to the tips on their fingernails and they can’t show enough gratitude to even get a C in a class to pass it? Oye!

Danielle takes her girls rock climbing and I became insta-jealous. My mom only ever took me to Ann Taylor and told me to sit and behave! Danielle says her buff bod is the reason she’s snagged herself a 26 year old guy, but, remember that this certain beau of hers actually looks to be about 40. My dad has more hair on his head at 50 and that’s TRULY saying something. At any rate, Steve (the 26 y/o boytoy) has one the heart of Danielle’s younger daughter, but not the older because he “treats [Danielle] badly” hmm, shocking that she’d put up with that.

Caroline’s daughter Lauren has an interest in cosmetology and, sadly, that’s what Jacqueline did in Vegas as well. I cannot make stripper jokes any longer, so let’s just hope that the hair and makeup she did there was for strippers. They’re classy there. Anyway, Lauren doesn’t want the license to wax anyone’s “chucky” or “pee-pee” because she skeeves. I DO TOO! Ugh. Do you know how gross some people can be? Lay off, Caroline. I’d like to see you wax a peepee that looks like a handful of raisins. But, as Jac, Caroline, and Lauren take a tour of the school their guide suggests a full license is the way to go.

Teresa takes Gia to get some less Jon-Benet esque pictures (too soon?) And brings along at least fifteen matching pink’n’leopard print bags filled with clothes, shoes, and hair accessories. I don’t think I’ve ever owned so much clothing at one time so I was shocked as it just kept coming. Gia looks creeptastically good at the model images, posing in fashions that would make Tyra herself proud.

Danielle has Dr. Maxilosnuffalufagus over for a pampering party. The guest of honor is botox, if you can believe it, and Danielle is excited to get more and give people the opportunity to get some themselves. The gang all comes and Caroline explains her lack of fitting in since she’s sans botox, breast implants, and a whole lotta silicone bitchiness. At any rate, Teresa and Jacqueline get a few injections done but Dina swears against it, even though I thought her lips were fake (confirmed by Jacqueline). She allegedly also gets botox, which is “fine” but, like Dani basically says… don’t knock it when you try it. The entire time Danielle is sitting in the chair, Dina’s making snide remarks about how she wants to shove needles in her face and even about the doc that’s doing it. Rightfully so, Danielle gets a little bit perturbed at this and basically says it’s a slap in her face. But really, let’s get serious, if someone slapped Danielle in the face I don’t even think she’d feel it.

Dina tells her daughter Lexie that she needs to start pulling her weight and making her bed. Lexie claims she doesn’t know “how to make her bed…” which floors me once again because basically it’s just pulling the sheets up and evening them out. I bet she knows how to put a beach towel down to lay out, though. Dina’s hired a nanny for a few days during the week and Lexie implores about being called “your majesty” …like mama, like child.

Danielle invites Jacqueline and CJ over for a little barbecue at her house, explaining her birthday plans. Cristal and a Limo…sounds like my birthday, sans Cristal and limo, actually. Dani’s peevedness from the spa party transcends to the guest list as she explains to Jac she only wants Teresa to come and not “you know who” (Voldermort, obviously). Jacqueline’s face drops as Danielle keeps cutting down Dina and the poor ex-strip—“cosmetologist” feels a loyalty to family over fickleness.

So, Jacqueline goes over to Caroline’s explaining that Ashley had a melt down and cried about how she couldn’t even do something simple like pass school. So, the logical choice is buying her a CAR?! Not to toot my own horn, but if that’s the way the cookie should crumble, Ms. Rara should have at least 4-5 BMW’s lined up and waiting for me. Or maybe a house since I’ve never failed anything. Disgusted, Caroline tries to make Jac see that getting Ashley a car is doing nothing but spoiling her further. DUH! Caroline refuses to speak to her brother (Jacqueline’s husband, Chris) about this fiasco, but instead lets Jac hear it. The girl does need consequences! Caroline’s son Albie jokes that if she gets a car for failing out of school what does she get when she’s locked up? The answer—a small island and a new set of tata’s. Right?

Danielle, Teresa, and Jac go out on a triple date for Danielle’s birthday. Steve, the 26 year old wonder, is just about silent as they eat their food. Danielle calls it “trouble in paradise” and is astonished since they spend so much time communicating and hanging out. The boy probably thinks he needs to be on his best behavior, like he’s out with his stinkin’ parents or something. The tension at the table made me uncomfortable so I felt a little bad for the girls’ and their hubbies. The three ladies meet outside for a pow-wow and Danielle explains that things have been different with Steve and he’s been ignoring her and the like. Teresa says she’s tired of getting dragged into all this “Danielle-drama” and I can see why. Everyone has that “Karen” friend. And if you’re wondering who that is, as Dane Cook says, you’re Karen.

Teresa takes the new pics back to Wilhemina’s modeling agency and after some grumpies, the big boss decides that she can work with a few of the pictures because they are less “pageant-y” and more natural. Lovely!

Jacqueline invites Teresa over for a play date with CJ and Gabrielle and of course, Danielle calls up with Steve-woes, causing the two ladies to roll their eyes but invite her over anyway. Danielle doesn’t know how to break up with Steve, but the girls tell her she really does need to. He’s too young and not what Danielle needs at present. Since Steve is a friend of Teresa and Joe we learn of Steve’s lack of care for Danielle and his imminent need for daily blowjobs… gross. Danielle gets pissed when the girl’s tell her what she needs to hear and leaves in a huff.

As women tend to do, when Danielle leaves Jacqueline and Teresa play “name that rumor” and spew all the alleged scoop they know. “Husband stealer”, “stripper” , and roundabout “prostitute” come up. Caroline gets cut to and hints at an impending investigation of who Danielle really is, since none of the housewives like her except for sweet little Jacqueline.

Like each “coming up next week” preview explains, Danielle’s got a lot of skeletons in her closet and without a doubt we’re going to be treated to every single one of them. But hell, I’m ready.

Recipe/ Spring Pasta Primavera

2009-05-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

by Cacia Y. Pepe

Do you love creamy, yummy, gooey treats? I don't have the anatomy to provide what you're looking for, but if you were talking about food, then I do.

My recipe for Spring Pasta Primavera was published by our contributing magazine supporters, Atlantic Shore Living.

Peaches/I Feel Cream/May 5th, 2009

2009-05-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

by Imogen V. Shahrazad

Peaches is a naughty lady/bitch guilty of delicious crimes in the name of gender-bending and electrosex. Her albums revolve around very select subject matter: fucking (not sex—this is definitely about fucking), fluid gender identities, and intentionally indefinable sexual tastes that range from men to women and everything in between. The music itself is comprised of the dirtiest electronic beats, often appropriately pulsing over her vocals that alternate between singing and semi-rapping.

I Feel Cream won’t disappoint long established Peaches fans. Admittedly, the beginning of the album is a little underwhelming. The songs are slower and lacking the heat that makes Peaches so sweet. Fortunately, things quickly pick up, as the song “More” promises to “whip this party into shape” and slyly notes, “seems you got a little bit more than you asked for.”

The title track is the album’s standout. One of the most danceable beats on the album oscillating along with Peaches deceptively angelic voice until a shift occurs that sends her back into a seductive growl for a few seconds while a new pulsing beat grows in volume until we explode climactically back into the chorus. Another song of note is “Show Stopper.” Driven by a fuzzy guitar and the Peaches signature growl, she promises her listeners to “rock [them] harder than a martyr in a holy war” and declares herself a “show stopper/panty-dropper/ everybody’s favorite shocker.” One a final note, Peaches provides her own take on the “cougar” phenomenon on the song “Mommy Complex.” As an artist unashamed of her embrace of all things genderqueer and “deviant” by traditional standards, it’s no surprise that she celebrates her age instead of hiding it, a tough choice to make in a world full of barely legal pop-tarts Bogarting all the masturbatory fantasies of America’s lustful youth. If listeners are not wholly convinced of her bad-assery at this point, then they’re not listening. Or they’re assholes.

Peaches is not for the faint of heart or nuns or your mother, but for listeners without prejudice, I Feel Cream is a turn-on and a party starter. It’s up to you to take those feelings and apply them accordingly.

Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood/Oxygen/Tuesdays

2009-05-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

by Veronica Wilks

Tori Spelling is just your typical working mom. You know, if most typical working moms grew up in Hollywood as the daughter of a billionaire producer, starred on a hit TV show, starred in several Lifetime movies, had a public fight with her mother for a trust fund, threw a million-dollar-wedding only to get divorced 14 months later, remarried a D-list actor, published a book, and weighed under 100 pounds….she’s just a simple girl, trying to make it all work!

Despite all this, Tori and Dean try to portray themselves as completely normal. And sometimes they do seem normal, like when Tori is wearing her glasses.

The season premier focused on Tori feeling overwhelmed with trying to finish her book and fulfill her “dream of being a stay-at-home mom.” This was described as her dream several times throughout the show. Big dreams! But she also had to be the breadwinner of the family, given
that her husband, while rugged and cute and a pretty good dad, apparently can’t bring in a dime. She dealt with the same conflict that I think a lot of new moms deal with, and, despite her millions, I think that some women might actually find her relatable. I don’t have kids, a husband, a dream, or millions, so I personally couldn’t relate, but I can see how women do. And she’s kind of cute and funny. She’s likable, she pulls her (tiny) weight, and her complaints aren’t
whiny.

But when she speaks to the camera alone, you are reminded how “Hollywood” they still are. She talks constantly about her relationship with her mother, a tense bond that has been well-documented by the E! True Hollywood Story and US Weekly. Her mom told her she was ugly! Her nanny raised her! That’s where they get Hollywood—it’s so “Mommie Dearest,” it seems unbelievable.

But while many celebrity couple shows are grating, I didn’t find this one particularly bad. “Mommywood” is not a topic that interests me, but for those who women who are working hard to achieve their dreams of staying at home and raising their kids while cameras follow them,
let Tori be your guide. She’s ridiculous enough that it’s still good reality TV but sweet and grateful enough that you actually can stomach it.

Jon and Kate Plus Eight/TLC/Mondays

2009-05-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

by Veronica Wilks

Oh Jon and Kate….how did no one see this coming?

The season premier of Jon and Kate Plus Eight marked my first time watching the show. I’ll admit I was intrigued by all the rumors and drama that have been going on for the past two weeks. Anyone who’s walked past a supermarket tabloid rack has surely seen the scandal
splashed across every tabloid: Jon Has a Mistress! Kate May Have a “Special” Relationship with her Body Guard! Is it OVER?

This came right before a season premier and in the midst of Kate’s book tour. They went on TV and gave statements more open to interpretation than Bill Clinton’s. The public was dying to know how TLC would handle the new season.

The much-anticipated premier kicked off with an episode that focused on the kids’ fifth birthday party, clearly filmed several weeks ago. To address the “issue,” it was interspersed with “Real World” confessional-style scenes with Jon and Kate talking about what was going on in real time. Kate talked about it for less than 20 seconds and then said she had to stop because it makes her too angry. “Jon made some mistakes and he was out and whatever,” was Kate’s bland description of the scandal. Um, out and whatever?! She sounded like she was describing getting a speeding ticket. Jon decided to apologize to his family, even though, “obviously, it was wrong place, wrong time.” Yes. It was the wrong time to bone a chick who was not your wife. Neither of them admitted it, but it was beyond clear that the rumors are true.

What struck me more than anything is the fact that anyone watched this show for so many seasons. Who are the “fans?” Who is watching this train wreck? These people are unattractive and cold with not cute, boring babies. That does not a reality hit make. Jon is a slightly grown-up version of the always-stoned minority frat boy. You know, the one who was never hitting on girls and was always sitting around just saying, “Duuuuude….whatever,” while playing N64 with the one Indian kid in the house. He’s a stay-at-home-dad, but not in the cute way. Kate, on the other hand, is your typical psycho shrew, with a reverse mom mullet and a huge ego.

First, Jon and Kate talked about how much they hate the paparazzi. Kate complained that cameras followed them to the party store, even though, you know, TLC cameras followed them to the party store. She said that she didn’t want her kids to feel weird with a camera following them, even though, you know, she lets cameras follow them in their house. Jon said he didn’t sign on for paparazzi even though he signed on to let cameras be present in their lives. I couldn’t quite figure out how people who went on a reality TV show for years and used it as a starting point to build a franchise, and, in Kate’s case, fund massive plastic surgery efforts, could complain so much about the paps. This is not the case of a reclusive actor being followed. These
are people who want the attention.

So Kate threw her kids a birthday party with a bounce house and some little friends. It’s hard not to feel bad for the kids. Even though they aren’t as cute as I like famous children to be, I don’t hate them. It’s not their fault they were born in a litter. And yes, this scandal is going to make their perception of their parents’ relationship complicated and sad however, given what I’ve heard and witnessed, they were going to realize on their own that their mother was verbally abusive and their father had checked out long ago.

The show left me depressed. I wanted the hour to be over. Reality TV is supposed to be a train wreck, but that train wreck should involve binge drinking, fist fights, lap dances and/or racial slurs. The people should be incredibly good-looking or at least rich. Why would anyone want to watch awkward silences and uncomfortable tears from people who are like the neighbors whose house you never wanted to play at as a kid?

Charm School (w/ Rikki Lake) / Vh1/ Monday Nights

2009-05-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

By Roughian

So Hood flips out, crying, thinking that Kiki should not have gone home. Saying she wants to go home and swearing so much all I can hear is BLEEEEEEEp You BLEEP EEEP BLEEEP serious? That’s all. Not even So Hood’s man can seem to calm her as she freaks out. But that doesn’t help and she slams the phone down and freaks out some more. Because this show would be a bunch of whiny bitches with too much makeup that just stood around, and the concept of Real Housewives of New Jersey/Atlanta/New York has already been thought of…

Anyway, Farrah, Ashley, and Brittanya are outside. Brit wants to go kick someone’s ass, but, she calmly explains that she’s in trouble with the law. Probably because she hit Ambre…or was that Heather? On that last season of Rock of Love. Eyeroll.

At any rate, So Hood’s temper tantrum leaves her in the back seat of the company car on her way home. Bay Bay Bay feigns innocence and care for a moment and I sat there waiting… waiting for those words… But they did not come. They will though, I can feel it.

Farrah makes some off-hand remarks about how she feels like she got dropped off in the ghetto and hates the way the girls in the house are just screaming like lunatics. She continues to drive her point home by saying she wouldn’t even strip in a club this ghetto. Really, honey? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. At any rate, she too “Drops out” of charm school to follow a life full of stripper poles and Chlamydia.

Brittaney prays over an orange that God will give her strength from those that fuck with her… I’m sure God appreciates the F-bomb now and then. Right on. Brittanya and Ashley cuddle up in their Farrah-less quarters, and a smack-talking Brit manages a few nasty remarks about the gender-bending Natasha.

Ricki calls for an assembly so the girls can talk about their feelings. And there it is, the words I was thinking about earlier: a black and white thing… that’s what it boils down to. Lala speaks up, which I think is a relief to some of the girls, for obvious reasons. And I hate to say it, but it seems the women are pacified by what she has to say. Baybaybay steps up and begins to proclaim loudly that she is not ghetto. Nope, not at all. She’s educated. So, I guess when Bubbles tried to apologize and you stuck your finger in her face and swung your neck around… you were just being educated, right? BULL. These girls are ALL ghetto. They all fight, scream, drink, bitch, and strip for their cash. That’s why they’re here.

Ashley explains that her son is half-white, and the subsequent section of her talking is probably the most human that I’ve seen her. She apologizes to Brittaney and has Ricki tearing up. Everyone hugs it out, but not before K.O. randomly calls Brittaney out. Like I said in my previous review, I didn’t even know K.O. was on this show. So for her to say that Brittaney was out of control just made me giggle.

Fighting ensues back at the barracks and Brittaney yells at K.O. for calling her an instigator. K.O. claims she never called her that, but did in fact mention that she provoked a lot of the arguments. I hope Ricki gives vocabulary lessons along with how to be a charming woman. You know it’s bad when Baybaybay says she’d rather have Farrah back in the house than listen to this bickering nonsense.

Just another normal day when Brittanya wakes up and has to go to court. Of course. Natasha and Marcia talk about Brittanya’s fakeness and I’m pretty sure that Natasha is indeed a dude. Brittanya returns with no news and she and Ash talk about how much jail would suck—obviously.

The challenge is to mingle with people you have nothing in common with which turns out to be members of a senior citizen center. The girls have to keep their mingling G rated, though. Which you think would be easy for some. Except Brittaney, claiming she’s “tight in all the right spots”… are you trying to be funny lady? All that porn… bahaha. Be thankful these oldies can’t access xtube.

Little Bubbles makes me smile as she talks to Laurel about her murder mysteries. And Brittanya uses that gorgeous little bootay to try and win some of the affections. Risky wonders if old men can still get hard… I wondered that, too. But alas, I was not able to wipe it away like an etch-a-sketch. Sadface. K.O wants a family of her own and finds a surrogate-gramma in Anita which is cute, until K.O. starts to get all high pitched about it.

So I stand corrected, old dudes can watch porn. For one of the older men recognize Brittaney from being “in the nude…” At any rate, the big drama of the night is when an elderly man falls down (right next to braindead Natasha, who makes no recognition of the poor man) and is swiftly aided by BayBayBay. Good job, girl. What the hell is wrong with the others? Ashley even saw the guy take a spill and just stood there like a numb nuts.

Anyway, Baybaybay wins, and I think she deserves it. She’s not being a mouthy bitch so, something must be going right. Maybe they should stick her around senior citizens some more. Hey wait, is Flava Flav doing another season?

Natasha tries to get everyone against Brittaney, Brittanya, and Bubbles (I don’t get what the hell Bubbles has done to anyone)… who actually all end up on the carpet. I thought Ricki, Lala, and Stryker were a little smarter than this. Obviously the ladies are going to try to pit against one another.

Anyway, the girls come down to the carpet. Brittaney wears headphones with no music and decides to dance to the beat of her own drummer. Lala tells her it looks disrespectful and Brit. Star responds with “Whoops didn’t think of that…!” What exactly did she think she would accomplish with this look? No idea.

Ricki doesn’t send anyone home and claims it’s because they all did so well. Actually, I think it’s because Farrah and So Hood went home… but that’s just me. Whatevs.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-05-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

by R. Spade

What kind of magical fun could the viewers in America have planned for our girl New York this week? There are always such fabulous choices, and New York is such a sane lady whose good at working with all types of people. Oh...lovely. Ghost hunter.

New York is not even aboard the Queen Mary when she starts to freak out. New York don't like ghosts – c'mon America! She has to do four tasks with the ghost hunters in order to get the title of ghost hunter and get her ten g's (she's probably still reeling from failing the last one). Bitch makes more money in a day than I do in a year – take some motherfucking time off.

First, she has to make contact with the spirits. She holds the rods and talks to a little girl that drowned in the first class pool (what? Aren't there any fucking ghosts in steerage? Gotta make this tranny talk to the rich kid?). She passes the first test. Next, she has to record voices. Have these people never heard of New York before? I know she's been introducing herself as “Tiffany,” but y'all shouldn't be that goddamn brain dead. She's the loudest goddamn woman on the planet. She shrieks. Like she always does. Then she drops and breaks their equipment. Way to go, bitch.

She ends up further down the boat where she says someone was touching her arm! The ghost who got burned to death is pissed as all hell at her. Although she says “arm” the way Pittsburghers say “Iron” so I was a bit confused about what the fuck the ghost was touching. She makes contact with that ghost. New York actually did something! Immediately following, she goddamn refuses to take part in a séance! First, she tries to say she can't because she's a Christian (right...because Jesus loves people who fuck fifty year old former rap stars so they can be famous). Then, when she thinks something touches her, she starts shrieking like a child alone in a room with a priest and runs the fuck off.

Will New York get paid? No. No, she will not. While all the ghost hunters enjoyed working with her, they said that she totally failed at the tasks she was given. What will New York be next week, America? Are we finally going to let her work with other black people? Probably not. We will, however, watch her run around shrieking for our own amusement.

The Bachelorette/ABC/Mondays

2009-05-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

by Veronica Wilks

I didn’t have a single good reason to watch The Bachelorette. I did not know, Jillian, the newest woman to search for love on national TV. I had not watched any of the last installments of The Bachelor franchise, nor had I cared to. I really only watched it because I was worried a lot of other people were going to watch it—and then, 12 weeks from now, after THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, I’d be the girl who was not on a first name basis with the men who had made it to the finale. I had no impression the series would be good; I only figured it might be popular. I made no promises that I’d continue to watch it, but I did not want to be left out of any upcoming “watercooler” discussions.

Though I can’t say I really liked the show that much, it was impossible not to get into it. This is because the ABC casting team has a very great formula: make sure the eligible mates are a mix of good looking, and either arrogant or overly sincere, and make sure the lady who is choosing is into that. (Also make sure all of these people are white.) I couldn’t remember any of the men’s names, but I found myself screaming at them several times throughout the two-hour premier. “OH no you did NOT get out a guitar!” “What woman honestly wants a man who says TOE JAM on a show like this?” “WHY do I keep likking the BLONDE ONES?” “Oh look at that receding hairline!” and “Pick Juan! Pick JUAN!” (OK—I did remember his name, because he’s sexy, and because they played Latin music when he first entered the scene.) She humored them, gave roses to the ugly ones….I am greatly alarmed that ABC refuses to have a normal woman on this show—that is, a woman with a sense of humor, who, if approached with such cheesetastic displays of douchebaggery in any normal dating setting, would call them out on such behavior! Even the most good-hearted, looking-for-love girl next door knows better than to fall for some of their tactics. Forget the fact that it’s staged—for me, that’s what takes the “real” out of “reality.” Next time, ABC, cast a woman who makes us think of Chelsea Handler, not Charlotte York.

That said, given that a few of my friends have started to get married, I am continuing watching it under the guise of “research.” I will take dating tips wherever I can get them, even if it’s from watching people “date” in a completely contrived and improbable setting. The next time I am with three hunks on a ranch or sitting in a hot tub with five guys, I’ll know what to do. Well, I will in a few more episodes. The preview of the season to come promises some drama—does one have a girlfriend at home?! I am hoping one is gay—but I can’t see myself, no matter how popular the show gets, twittering about these kind of things. I’ll only admit I watch if someone asks me. I won’t learn any of their names. (Not even the pilot—he’s my secret fave.)

The Quiet Storm/Pittsburgh’s East End/Vegan & Vegetarian

2009-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

by Imogen V. Shahrazad

The Quiet Storm is a sanctuary for Pittsburgh’s anti-meat crowd. Vegetarians are largely accustomed to walking into a restaurant with friends or family and having roughly three choices: salad, French fries, maybe even provolone sticks. Upon entering The Quiet Storm, veggies sigh with relief and take their time perusing a menu built just for them.

The interior of The Quiet Storm is fun: thrift store furniture and dishes, eclectic local art, and a staff of tattooed hipsters adding further visual interest. Chaynes and I recently visited for a late breakfast, starting with the house coffee, which is a little strong for my taste; however, I also like my coffee fucking pathetic and thick with non-dairy creamer. I think what I had at The Quiet Storm was what we might call Real Coffee. We ordered the same entrée, deceptively listed as the “Home Fries.” At any other restaurant, home fries would be chunks of fried potatoes with (maybe) a few onions or peppers mixed in. At The Quiet Storm, the Home Fries includes “smashed” red potatoes, caramelized onions, “soysage,” scrambled eggs or tofu (we both got the tofu), cheddar cheese, and aioli—all of it mixed in a nice big pile of food.

Why this is The Most Amazing Breakfast of All Time: 1) the scrambled tofu and 2) the aioli. The scrambled tofu is important because it’s easy to fuck up tofu. Anyone who has ever eaten poorly cooked tofu knows what I’m talking about. It can be tasteless and/or very squishy—and sometimes both simultaneously. Carnivores sometimes assume that vegetarians don’t have taste buds anyway and so they don’t bother to make tofu dishes taste like food. Not so at The Quiet Storm—the tofu is perfectly flavored and cooked to the point of being perfectly chewy, matching the “soysage” in texture. In addition, the aioli is probably a sin. Garlic mayonnaise? Seriously, I’m sure God is troubled by its very existence. In past trips to The Quiet Storm, I have asked for a side of aioli to add to dishes that don’t normally include it.

All in all, The Quiet Storm fucking rocks. If you want non-meats done right, visit the restaurant at the corner of Penn Ave and S. Graham in the Garfield/Friendship area of Pittsburgh. Admire the beards and weird tattoos on the very hip staff and clientele. Delight in the coffee. Chew enthusiastically on the soy-based faux meat products.

Charm School w/ Rikki Lake/ Vh1/ Monday Nights

2009-05-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

By Roughian

So obviously the ladies are happy that Beverly is gone from last episode's hair-pulling tirade. I always thought she was a lesbian, so it was kind of a shock to me when she went out screeching about her kids having a bad role model (little late, ya hurrrd?)

So, the show opens up with the brillance that is Marcia, saying that she wants a shot of tequila but a mimosa will do. I think it's So Hood that says the girl needs rehab and then some charm. Cough--VH1, are you listening? I smell a new marketing plan.

The girls meet a social activist and get down to real issues. Bubbles tells us all about the ozone depleting and the scariness of global warming while Ashley says she is bored because she knows about this and in her tranny tone says that she won't use aerosol hairspray anymore. I'm pretty sure they really don't make it like that anymore unless you get something cheap. Which I'm sure striperella does not partake in.

Marcia gives a truly heart-tugging story about growing up poor in Brazil and having to take a wee in a hole in the ground. Bubbles, smartly, retorts that poor people can be happy too. Of course. Everyone wants to live the slum dream, sweetie.

So the girls suit up in teams based on the colors of their jumpsuits and obviously the most outspoken and annoying *COUGH* FARRAH *COUGH* and her other blondetourage member are on the same team, the others are a bit worried.

Loading up on the bus, the girls discuss their challenge and the further delving of Real Chance of Love girls vs. Rock of Love girls wakes up. And then, they arrive on location--the set of Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, shit, I lied... it's actually the LA river that the girls are meant to clean up.

Ricki Lake, I didn't realize you were SUCH a humanitarian.

So whoever does the best job cleaning, wins. But Ashley thinks "whoever wants to put their trash in a cement river, go ahead". Risky's team is going for the biggest items they can find and then try to get all the things they can. Ashley barely moves claiming this is worse than giving a lap dance to a fat man. I hardly see the correlation, Ash. But then again, your line of work is quite stressful. Surprisingly, Farrah is doing fantastic according to LaaLaa. As for the other girls-- I'm not sure what the hell these girls thought cleaning a river up would entail, but they are surprised when their clothes and shoes are wet.

Green Team wins! They are the All-Stars. Kiki needs to shut up and not bitch about broken nails. Don't agree to come on the stupid show. If you don't want to do these challenges. I agree, Farrah. Shut Baybaybay up or better yet make her fall on her bony little knees like on Real Chance of Love. Oh yes, I went there! And of course, there is a stupid, yelling, second-grade fight on the bus back home. Stripperellas in the back claim that they're here for the wrong reasons when just a bit before that in the river Ashley wouldn't even pick up anything (including her dignity).

Kiki and bay Bay Bay FREAK out on Bubbles and I'm not sure why. Regardless, I wanted to slap the shit out of all of them.

Cue Marcia's mojito mohawk. Cue Patron. Cue BayBayBay's hypocritical yelling and head canting and pointing. Cue Marcia slurring out "SoHo" on purpose instead of So Hood's actual name. And of course So Hood wants Marcia "Outta there on the next thing smokin' going toward Brazil..."
Ashley and Farrah are little shits and want to pick on Brittaney Star and lock her in the bathroom. Then feed her hot dogs under the door. I don't even think they're drunk (because Ashley isn't throwing around Lean Cuisines). So then, as SWEET retribution, Brittaney puts a plastic bug and cookie crumbs in Farrah's bed... WOOOOOW.

Never take life advice from Baybaybay, Brittaney... EVER. Or any of those Real Chance girls. They're really not the best role models. Neither are Rock of Loves or... actually... Ricki Lake, unless you aspire to be a talk show host when you're older. 'Kiss my black ass' is the big defensive that the girls teach Britt, which she promptly shouts out over the balcony.
Ricki has Brittaney come in to her office and she gets defensive when she learns the girls called Ms. Star fat... which, I think Megan and idiot tried to pull with Sharon Osborne and of course it hurts Ricki's previously plus-sized ego . Marcia cries and Ricki warns her about her excessive drinking. Bubbles, the poor thing, is upset and begs Ricki not to tell Kiki that she's in here badmouthing her. Risky is just basically reporting all of the same junk. K.O... I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS ON HERE. Dang. Anyway she talks about Kiki being threatening… like everyone else.
Marcia, Kiki, and Ashley are the girls that are going to be on the carpet-- surprise, surprise... Kiki's a mouthy, disgusting, little bitch and I agree with Farrah saying the Real Chance of Love chicas can't understand each other because they're just screaming so loud. I honestly have a headache after listening to the drivel.

So the three of them bitch it out, each one playing the shesaidshesaid game. And then of course, there's a dramatic stampede of Brett's rejects out of the elimination hall. And the other girls go head out to the detention room and my headache worsened.

Change is hard. And you'll never change when you walk out on the moment it gets a little tough. Thank you, Ricki. You are increasingly intelligent.

As Ashley explains she wants to better herself for her son, I cannot believe these girls have fucking CHILDREN. They ARE children.

Kiki goes home, which I really wasn't surprised about. LaaLaa's worried it's turning into a black-white thing. It is turning into a black and white thing, I think! (and as the previews for next week denote). Why Baybaybay and Kiki have to fucking hug and rock in the middle of the room is behind me, but it's still just adds to the drama. And of course So Hood has a melt down which we will have the privilege to see next episode.

All in all a drama-packed episode. Hot dogs, hot tempers, and hot messes. Tune in next week for a surprising reprisal of the race card.

For now, I'm going to watch “New York Goes to Work” or, “Simple Life in The Hood…” Love her!

Real Housewives of New Jersey/ Bravo/ Tuesday Nights

2009-05-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

By Lauren Rara

Alas, the surprising opening showcases Jacqueline's daughter Ashley who "has made some poor choices in school" (Coke...) and fallen behind. And again, the hint of all hints that Jac was probably a stripper unveils when she tells Ashley that she feels guilty that she gets to spend more time with CJ. Strippin' does take up a lot of time or, as she puts it “various jobs.” Caroline and Arianna... I mean, sorry...Danielle pipe up with conflicting views. Caroline thinks Jac needs to lay down the law while Danielle feels that Jac is a poster child for motherhood.

HMMMMM...

SURPRISE, SURPRISE. Teresa goes shopping...with her DAUGHTERS, no less. I know, shocking. At least a few times a week. My stomach began to turn at the sight of the little diva-ettes ransacking through racks of clothes and even the littlest one begging for a dress in her size. OYE VEY. And my respect continued to diminish as Teresa revealed her enjoyment of all 5 of her family members to match (including Mr. Juicy & Delicious himself). That makes me a sad panda. At least they're shopping for CJ's b-day soiree and not just for the hell of it. I guess. Quickly, the shopping trip turns into catastrophe, complete with the littlest daughter saying "I WILL PULL MY HAIR OUT" if she doesn't get what she wants. Two years old. Great values to instill in your children.

Anyway, Gia gets a call from her agent and is set up for an audition with The Rock. I worry about his career. It seems that mostly he's been working with young children as co-stars. Or maybe that's Vin Diesel. I have an idea. Why don't they pair up! Rock and Vin go to Hollywood. I can see it now, the two of them in the car, singing aloud "Girls just wanna have fu-unnn!"

Ahem.

Danielle and Jacqueline have lunch. Once again we learn of Danielle's newness to the group and the closeness the two women share despite it. And again we hear about the Dina-Jacqueline-Danielle fighting mess. Jac's in the middle and unhappy, which is totally understandable and still why Jac's my favorite housewife. Danielle's skeptical of the renewed relationship of she and Dina, but she does want to try to make amends. Can you smell the drama now? Good.

Another glimpse at Teresa's Sim home. RIDICULOUS.

I wish I was invited to CJ's birthday party. It's hands-down cooler than any party I've ever had. It's carnival-themed and is nicer than probably any local fair I've attended. Ashley, Jac's daughter, is allegedly having people over and it's a little blip o' drama. And Dani and Jac tag team Ashley and try to get her to renege on the people she's invited.

Party looks like tons of fun and thennnnn... we get the dramatic reveal of Dina driving up in her convertible. Danielle thinks now is a good time to smooth things over... hmmm. Dina takes this to mean that Danielle wants to "skin her and wear her like last year's Versace." OF COURSE! Why didn't I see the motives? It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the house again!

Caroline and Lauren are cooking up a feast for the "masses" that usually frequent the house. We get a glimpse at Christopher's charming wit and Lauren's aspirations for beauty school. I don't put that kind of shit down. I cannot even straighten my hair without burning myself. So I respect people with that knack.

Teresa goes to an acting coach to help Gia with her audition. Dude, Gia was in "Doubt" but she can't nail a line like "my tooth is gone." Well, okay, I can see now why Gia was just background.
Caroline's and her hubby sit down with Lauren and tell her she needs some goals because she kind of doesn't have any and just works with her dad. Typical italian family. They want you to work on their terms!

Danielle calls her ex-hubby to receive her settlement and in reality he seems like a real gem. Which could explain a helluvalotta the whole behavior of this girl. I almost feel bad for her.
Jacqueline visits her doctor because she is having trouble getting pregnant. She brings Ashley along and once again makes note of the spoiling situation, but Ash gives mama some good advice and tells her to be lucky she has any children at all. It really tugged on my heart when Jac started to cry about her miscarriages. I am not even going to be a smartass now 'cause that's just sad. The doc just says it could be bad luck. What a wonderfully professional opinion.
Well here's me picking my jaw up off the floor. Dina actually is not all self. She has "Project Ladybug" which helps out kids with cancer. WOW. I really did not see that one coming. But she is planning a fundraiser Girl's Night Out for the foundation. Awesome. Dina's taking in a new assistant. I cannot tell if this one will pan out with dramatics (mostly because I think this boy’s sexuality is questionable). But I'm sure it will.

Danielle and her girls jog every day. That's cool. We learn of the financial struggling and Danielle's cry for "help." Aka a sugardaddy. Then we meet her new beau. Steve is Danielle's 26 year old date. (Danielle is 45) But anyway. Cougars are always a win in my book. And Steve actually looks a little older than Danielle. Cue Rogaine, senor.

Dina is setting up the fundraiser and Caroline is piping up in her interview cut saying that Dina goes nuts when she’s in stress. Weird. I thought Dina was so levelheaded and calm. I could never see her being a bitch…ever.

We catch a naughty glimpse of Danielle’s bold side as she and Steve munch on dinner and decide whether or not to head into the bathroom. Seriously. This girl is Ariana from Vh1’s Tough Love. Gross, over-botox’d, and sadly so so insecure.

Dina’s fundraiser is a bunch of stations that are selling stuff: “from scrap booking to Botox.” Ashley, problem child, is obviously acting up again. The fundraiser is a family affair and Jacqueline is roped into selling tickets which makes her feel insignificant and bitched out. And now the truth comes out—Jac and Dina have drifted and so Jac drags Teresa into the bathroom to bitch. GOD. This show should be called “The Real High Schoolers of Noi Joisee.” But at any rate, the fundraiser was a great success. (Mainly because the afro wigs came out at the end).
More drama to come, dealing once again with everyone’s distrust of Danielle. And Lauren’s “skeeving” of waxing people’s bodyhair.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-05-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

By R Spade

Here we go again: how can we humiliate New York this week? It seems that she has finally caught on to the fact that America is just about traumatizing you. This week: nudist resort employee. Basically, New York just has to be a normal person around lots of naked people – she's seen Flavor Flav naked; she should be able to handle anything at this point.

New York's first task: serve old, naked people breakfast. Oh good! Mandatory homo at the nudist resort. Oooh...you can tell she thinks a boy is cute when she introduces herself at Tiffany. The woman who's observing her said the guests seem happy. Time for customer service! … Servicing naked customers sounds like my kind of job. Luckily, the naked man decides that he needs to reinforce all of the negative gay stereotypes (feminine, judgmental, and condescending). I just wasn't getting my fill with just making black people look terrible. And, a s if getting $10,000 in a day for what someone probably does for $15,000 a year (...I'm staying out of it) isn't a punch in the face enough to working class America, we can text vote to give New York a $2000 bonus for not curbing that fag looking for floaties. I never though I'd feel bad for New York, but goddamn.

Time for New York to clean the rooms! I feel like this episode would be more interesting if New York were naked as well (I'm honestly a bit surprised she isn't!). Now, I'm no Suzie Homemaker, but New York thinks that swiping at surfaces with a towel counts as cleaning. She cannot be that fucking stupid. For some reason, they leave her alone. She can't work a vacuum. Brain dead aborted babies can turn on a vacuum. New York gets to set up a luau. She decides that while she's hanging out with the guests, she need to get her drink on as well. A lady after my own heart. The resort head is not amused.

Moment of truth: Will New York get paid? Don't worry – there's an old white man to decide it! OH! New York totally fails! This is the first one that she failed. New York does a little rant about how she put up with naked old people. Bitch tore the check up in front of New York. The guy tried to be nice to her, but she wasn't having any of it. Apparently, this is why the commericals are begging me to give New York a two grand bonus (even though that's like two months' work for me).

Next week: general contractor, cake baker, or ghost hunter!!!

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

2009-05-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

2 WEEKS AGO!

Another fabulous week with my new hero. We are now down to the super six. What can the cougar and her handler (aka Vivica A Fox) have in store for us this week? Vivica tells us that two boys will be going home this week.

First challenge! A variation on the kiss-off. Stacey is going to wear a blindfold, and the boys have to kiss her. How in the hell did she get this gig, and where the fuck do I sign up?! We all know that my least favorite part of the show is the kiss-off, so I am less than excited to watch it twice in one episode (I'm so goddamn jealous!). She picks kissers three (Jimmy) and five (Jon). My baby Travis is less than pleased (side note: Stacey...if you don't want him, send him my way!).
Today's first date is a winery; boys and booze sounds like the most perfect afternoon...although I'd prefer Drambuie to wine. While Jimmy has a house outside Napa Valley, Jon looks like he'd prefer a nice jug of Carlo Rossi or a box of Franzia. Stacey makes the boys compete in barrel rolling race to see who gets the first alone time with her. Isn't it nice to know that the relationship games never end? Oh! The personal trainer lost the race..how unfortunate.

Stacey decides not to have the second challenge (oh no! I'm going to wonder what it was) and to go out with Adam and Travis. She takes the boys out to dinner and asks them serious, personal questions. Oh no! Travis wants kids of his own! She's 40, you fuckhead. She asks Adam how many sexual partners he's had, and he refuses to answer. (9). Stacey takes Travis off for some alone time. She needs to boot Adam the fuck off – he's the douchebag twin, and it doesn't matter that he's a twin if there's only one!

Stacey isn't sure that any of the guys are serious, so she gives them a lecture about it. As much as I want to be a cougar some day, I think that Stacey is actually a totally immature bitch. She seems to be too easily damaged by these twenty-somethings. I thought the point of being a cougar was to be in motherfucking control! To sort things out, Stacey takes the boys to the beach. Adam rats out Jon as picking on Travis, the youngest guy in the house. Jon tries to say that Travis came after him. Right.

ELIMINATION TIME! Stacey is really surprised that it's getting more difficult. What the hell can be difficult about picking a nice piece of ass out of a bevy of boys? Oooooh! She eliminated Jon first! YES!!! Travis stays another week! What I'd do that boy... oh...wait...what cougar? Jimmy takes the kiss-off to a whole new level...damn. What the motherfuck? She sends away a perfectly good boy to keep the asshole twin. I hope that she picks that bipolar motherfuck at the end and ends up a miserable shell of a Botoxed whore.

Next week? We meet the boys families. This is always where it gets interesting...

------------------------------

LAST WEEKS!

By Oryomai

A perennial favorite on reality whoring...dating shows. Stacey gets to meet the family! She lets the boys pick which part of the family she gets to meet (which is better than when Bret Michaels calls your ex-boyfriend that you still live with, so kudos to the cougar).

Travis' mother is the sort of mega-bitch that you might see on Toddlers and Tiaras – there's something super stage mom about her. She starts attacking Stacey right off the bat and seems surprised with the situation. What the fuck? Did you not know that your 21 year old son who's still in school was traveling to go on a dating show to win the love of a woman old enough to be his mother?! Apparently this Real Housewives of Bumfuck Nowhere reject is a bit overbearing about her son.

Jimmy's family is basically the Sopranos. Like...I think the dad put a hit out on her while she was sitting at the table. The mother really likes our cougar (although I think she's a little jealous); the dad is a bit more suspicious. This family is definitely a step-up from the Stepfords in Travis' family. Jimmy gets the honor of going up to the cougar den!!!

Colt's family is up next. Stacey meets his brothers. This seems like a situation that she is more comfortable with – boys in their mid-twenties. During this dinner, Stacey lets on that she's more attracted to Colt than I had thought. After the date, the two breeze in and Colt heads up to the cougar den.

Time for Stacey to meet Adam's family – surprise! She's already knows him...the exiled twin who was kicked off the first night. Adam brought his brother because he didn't think that his parents would be accepting of her. The brother totally turns on Adam – going on the show was his idea. I think that the brother is definitely still attracted to Stacey...which makes for fun TV but awkward life.

Time for the kiss-off! I think Travis might be going home because his mother is a cocksucker. The kiss-off is a bit stressful at this point – there's four boys left, and I'm attached now! Jimmy and Colt both make it through (please, like she'd eliminate the first one at this point! Bitch got thirteen minutes to fill up!). It comes down to Travis and Adam. I reiterate: if she doesn't want Travis, send his fine ass my way. OH! And Travis gets the kiss! She decides that she's going to have a few words with Adam before he goes on his way.

Only three boys left, and who knows who the cougar will pick? Following the VH1 formula to the T, the final three and Stacey are heading to Vegas!!!!

D's Six Pax & Dogz/Pittsburgh/American

2009-05-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

by Eriq F.

For our impatient readers, here are my instructions: Go to D’s, come hungry, and bring your friends. You won’t regret it. For those of you with patience enough to read the whole review, D’s might be the right fit for you.

But take care, this is not Dee's, it is D's. The difference in name is inaudible, so make sure your friends know to meet you at D's, not Dee's. Dee's is located in Drunk College Student Nirvana (aka Pittsburgh's South Side), while D's resides in Regent Square, a neighborhood where you are more likely to see drunk college professors. Dee's is an excellent place for a game of pool, but D’s it ain’t.

When you arrive at D’s, don’t be surprised if you have to wait for a table to open up. Once you’re seated, it’ll become pretty obvious that this isn’t the sort of place where you do things in a hurry. Making your food fresh and delicious? That takes time. Sifting through the more than 900 varieties of beer on hand? That, too, will take time. So order a tall glass of a beer that you’ve never had before and take a moment to enjoy the hand-painted murals on the walls. Tired of adventure? Unsettled by the unfamiliar names and slightly-above-average prices on the draft list? Don’t worry, there is a small portion of the walk-in cooler devoted to well-known domestic brews from gigantic faceless corporations.

Though the sheer number of beers available can be daunting, the menu is much more manageable, offering several varieties each of hot dogs (of course), sandwiches, pizza, appetizers, and salads. Though I have never met a hot dog that I enjoyed, I ate dinner with a young woman who had been anticipating her provolone and sauerkraut hot dog for several days prior to our Friday night visit. Upon this confession, the rest of our party disclosed that they had also been anticipating thei. So what I deduce is that these hot dogs are good enough that they will haunt your taste buds for several days before and after each visit.

If you’re in a hungry hurry, order some fries. The surprising generosity of the menu’s “small” portion will leave you wondering how big “large” would be (for the curious, it’s freaking huge.) The pizza will take a longer time, but as usual at D’s, it turns out to be worth the wait. Take a moment, enjoy your company, and sip your beer slowly. Patience is a virtue.

Prefuse 73 / Everything She Touched Turned Ampexian / Warp (2009)

2009-05-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

by Chaynes

If you listen to any form of electro-hop / glitch with any regularity then you have heard Prefuse 73. Just maybe not by that name. Like the elusive DOOM, reviewed here not long ago, Guillermo Scott Herron is one man behind many names: Prefuse 73, Savath y Savalas, Piano Overlord, Diamond Watch Wrists, among others. The spectacular thing about Prefuse, however, is that while all of those projects sound different, you can easily tell that they are all Herron productions.

This is no easy task, especially in a genre that most non-believers complain “all sounds the same.” While that argument falls flat on its ignorant face when tested, you never even have to worry about it with Prefuse 73. The man seems to be a never-ending fount of spectacular ideas; he just creates different projects to channel like ideas together.

The cover of Everything She Touched Turned Ampexian, the most recent Prefuse 73 output, shows an astronaut/explorer traveling into what looks like a version of our world, only slightly skewed. While this image is interesting in its own right, I believe it represents something of what Prefuse 73 does. It seems that he draws upon a massive reservoir of sounds that are almost from our world, but not quite. He gets the grainy synths that no one else can; the sick drum breaks no one else finds; the creepy vocal samples no one else uncovers; and then places them in a sound pastiche held together by sheer will.

That description could in some ways apply to all of the records released under the Prefuse 73 moniker, from the scratchy boom-bap of Vocal Studies + Uprock Narratives and seminal haze of One Word Extinguisher to the glitch-hop of Surrounded By Silence and blissed-out Preparations. But nowhere is it exemplified so perfectly than on Everything. Running 29 tracks long, few longer than 2 minutes, the album is a collage of sound: ideas flow in and out of one another, colliding/eliding, meandering around, some bursting forth only to recede and then show up in some altered form later. Some are hip-hop, some funk, some psychedelia, some folk, some electronica, some all of those and none simultaneously.

The mixing of sound pallets puts Prefuse in a sort of cosmic DJ role, creating a soundtrack for a post-modern world filled with jagged international urban landscapes, filled with people half-plugged in, unsure of their footing while ushering in a new world paradigm of electronic contentment/complacency. While it is mostly pretentious to seriously call something “dada” these days, Everything is Prefuse 73’s dada experiment in a world reeling from over-produced CGI order in a chaotic universe.

Everything finds Prefuse smashing together sounds (that most artists would keep apart and on different albums) within each song. A perfect example of this is the movement between “Violent Bathroom Exchange” and “Nature’s Uplifting Revenge” (two of the longer songs on the album at 1:30 or so): “Violent” builds into a crushing beat fuzzy with synth and overdrive layers, muddy and bass-heavy, forcing your head into bobbing position, but just when you have tasted the rhythmic kool-aid, the beat fractures, turning inside out, running backwards and forwards, flying off axis – only to be hammered back down as “Nature” comes in with broken up vocal harmonies and an old-school 808 beat.

The transition is seamless, as are all of the transitions on the album, and supports the need to listen to this album straight through, no breaks, no skipping. I know, the iPod generation is not used to this, but hey, you can put whole albums on iPods and listen to them straight through, I know I do.

Every Guillermo Scott Herron fan has a favorite Prefuse 73 album, and I am no exception despite the fact that I couldn’t tell you what mine is. Whether or not Everything is my favorite is less important than the fact that I believe it to be his best. On no other album is the thesis of the Prefuse 73 project more explicit. Herron has accessed some remote corner of the human experience, only to replicate it, mutate it, loop it, sample it, cut it up, rearrange it, (damn, I sound like a Daft Punk song!) and blast it back into are faces one tiny fragment at a time.

Listen to this album; you will not be disappointed.

Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches/ Travel Channel/Thursdays

2009-05-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

by Elizabeth Wilk

Of all the “Girls Next Door,” I always loved Bridget the best. Mostly because of how much we have in common: we both have journalism degrees and great career tracks that we choose to ignore to instead focus on throwing theme parties. We can’t take anything too seriously, and
enjoy trying new activities, especially those that require a costume. (After seeing the episode of Girl’s Next Door where she dresses in lederhosen in Germany, I knew if we ever met, we’d be instant friends.)

So even though I wanted to hate “Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches” and knew, on some level, that it sucked, I still liked it, because Bridget is really, really likeable. She’s cheesy, beautiful, gracious, and so sweet. Her lifelong dream was to be a Playmate—but she got cut from the magazine and ended up as a girlfriend instead.

This week’s episode actually seemed straight out of a Playboy erotic story: an island called “Phuket” where tan and blonde Bridget and her beautiful friend Cara visited a snake charmer, rode elephants, and played with moneys and bananas. Maybe I wouldn’t have read the
island’s name phonetically or took note of all the phallic symbols if the hostess was someone other than a naked model/porn magnate’s girlfriend, but I couldn’t separate the two.

As for the island, Bridget and Cara had some very profound things to say about it….
Climate: “It’s hotter than H-E-double-hockey-sticks-out here!”
Scenery: “I expected it to be more…jungely.”
Beaches: “There is glitter and gold metallic pieces in the sand!”
Locals: “Why is everyone wearing Speedos here?”

The island is gorgeous, although from a technical standpoint, it would have been nice to see more of its natural beauty. From this episode, Phuket didn’t come off as particularly sexy. Some of their activities included riding “cute little taxis wherever they want to take us!” and parasailing, as well as a trip to an amusement park/zoo where they dressed like Thai princesses and pretended to work there, offering to take pictures with tourists. Children tourists. Some 4-year-old now has a picture with Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend and centerfold. This only proves that being cute and blonde can earn you forgiveness for a multitude of sins. That’s ultimately what makes “Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches” forgivable.

New York Goes to Work/VH1/Mondays

2009-05-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

by R. Spade

Oh...New York. I'm guessing the major appeal of this show is that watching her do anything is like watching drunk freshmen in Halloween costumes try to find the college's loop bus.

This week, New York is a pig farmer. At the Pork Palace. New York is up on current events! She asks if we know of swine flu. Oh lovely...the brothel you live in has CNN. Oh good! Infro and Siro. It's not another “watch the black woman be judged by white men” episode. Her first task is to clean up shit. Well...she did spend two seasons on Flavor of Love. Bitch, it's a pig! She ran the fuck away. Again. And again. What the hell is the big deal about the pig? These aren't the flesh eaters from Silence of the Lambs. I think she's just afraid of anything white people might like.
Bryan, the apprentice pig farmer, does not seem to like New York. He is of the generation that may have seen VH1 reality before. He says that New York totally fails even though she actually feeds the pigs and completes the challenge. This is probably to make up for the fact that Bryan is clearly a closeted homosexual and a virgin to both genders. The lunch scene kinda reminds me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Iconic and totally terrifying.

You'd think that New York would be good at trimming the goats' nails when you look at those talons that tranny is wearing. You'd also be wrong. She lets all the goats out. Then falls down a hill while trying to find them. The only thing she does really well at is inseminating the pig. For some reason, she has almost no problem with shoving a giant tube with semen in it up a pig's vagina. Different priorities I suppose.

The Hispanic farmhands let New York pass this week because of her huge fake tits. If you got it, flaunt it girl! The apprentice fails her because, again, he is a fugly virgin who has probably never seen a black person up close in his whole sheltered Pig Palace life. In the end, New York triumphs and has officially made more in these two episodes than I make in a year.

Who the hell thought this idiot could do the most basic tasks? This is like a lame black version of The Simple Life. At least Paris had a friend on that fucking piece of trash. Although I do have serious problems with the gender and racial ramifications of this show. How long is it going to be funny to watch a stereotypical black girl fumble through things that blue collar America does every day? How many times can we watch her clutch her weave and run from nature?
At least one more time!

What will New York be next week? A cafeteria worker, casting director, or nudist resort employee? Stay tuned to watch New York set minorities back a hundred years.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey/Bravo/Tuesday Nights

2009-05-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

By Lauren Rara

Holy botox, batman!

Girls, girls! Listen. Ya need, bubbies. Bubbies, indeed. Like Teresa. Because as the debut wife of another dramtacular season of “Real Housewives” this Jersey girl obviously has her priorities straight. No “big” hair (just medium sized) or fake nails for her. But a tag team of little diva-ettes that look like Bratz dolls in person. But I suppose marrying someone like “delicious and juicy” Joe might do that for you. I sometimes thank the celestial bodies for my sexuality—and now is definitely one of those times. No offense, seriously. But anyway. Joe is an “entrepreneur” (cough—mobster—cough) and runs a construction business.

I think, as Caroline put it—Teresa doesn’t realize JUST how hilarious she actually is. In the scene at the furniture store, I’m not sure Teresa understood what she was buying. Who needs four kitchen tables? And two plushy sofas of the same type? This isn’t The Sims, missy. You can’t just rosebud your way to happiness. And she paid cash! Jesus. I’d like to be in her husband’s business. Definitely Italian. I don’t hear anyone use the word “skeeve” except my grandmother. Bethany? Is that you? No? Wrong city…

Dina… Lohan? Is that you? Gold digger? Bitch? Ah! No, sorry…wrong Dina. Anyway, Miss Dina makes me want to quit school and trophy myself out if she can go from nothing to everything in one nuptial. Women suck. Seriously. Especially ones that are warped with their old man’s money. And then they breed little golddigettes. Ahhh.

Caroline—old school. Living for her kids and husband. Insert eye roll. Hey, at least her daughter works at the family business. Nice name too, Lauren. Not too shabby. And, the best part… Dina’s her sister. Crikey. Married to brothers!

Jacqueline might be my favorite so far, even though her kid called her “the mom from ‘Mean Girls’”. She is correct in saying Jersey is the armpit of the earth. And the women –are—status obsessed and stupid. And guess what? Jaqueline is the sister-in-law to Caroline’s brother. And a good girl. And a fixer-upper-kinda gal. I think she was a stripper in Vegas, but that’s just me. Anyone else agree? I mean, it’s fine. I’d make it rain on her.

Danielle is full of collagen (and shit) claiming her body is from care and working out (of course, not lipo or tummy tucks). These women are hilarious. Instilling some wonderful things into her children. But I respect her single-mom status. Enter: dramatic black sheep that may or may not fit in La famiglia.

SO. Into the real story of this thoughtful show. Christopher, Caroline’s son that isn’t going to college, wants to own a car wash/strip club which gives a whole new meaning to rode hard and put away wet—or something. Gonna make mommy proud. Well, actually, probably. Caroline wants him to run a respectful strip club. Maybe the women will wear tuxedo-print g-strings and have to have –all- their teeth.

Lexi is glad that Dina is not a fat, old mom. And together they play tennis with beautiful balls. Listen to your daughter, Dina…wear two bras next time. I’m wondering, really…how this stuff makes the cut. And I wonder even more about what the producers have to sit through that doesn’t get on this show.

Teresa’s girl, Nina…er…Gia…is in a little dancing competition, which of course prompts Teresa to explain she’s not a pageant/stage mom—even though she’s sitting in the audience doing the entire dance routine and saying how she’s been in touch with modeling agencies.

Danielle is supposed to meet up with a guy online named “Gucci Model” who she met online and has had phone sex with. Jacqueline tries to tell her that this guy will only be thinking about sex and Teresa backs her up and of course, Danielle says “that’s what intrigues me…” . I just had a dawning! This woman reminds me of Arian from Vh1’s “Tough Love” because I’m fairly certain that’s where Arian is headed. Steve should get his paws in these girls. He’d definitely have a field day. But not to fear, Jacqueline and Teresa follow Danielle because they think a meeting based on two years of phone sex is not really all that sound. I agree, ladies. It’s all about the sexting these days. And unfortunately, the dude doesn’t show up, even though he’s from one of those millionaire version of E-harmony.

In other housewives, Caroline’s son, Alby, has a graduation party because he got into Fordham. Awesome. The pre-party shows just how incapable of anything these kids are. Even tying their own shoes—literally. Surprising, I know. The relatable thing about this whole show is the Italian family idea. Dina says there’s always some kind of drama and there’s always someone who’s not talkin’ to the other. Definitely. The party is a typical huge, Italian get-together with food and booze and beautiful girls for the “Golden child” Alby. And of course, the warning that Caroline inspects all that come into her house and is tough on them… foreshadowing? I think so.

Dramaaa peaks again when Danielle shows up at the salon where Dina gets ready before each “Girl’s Night out” and there’s already preexisting beef with Dina and Danielle so the high school staredown ensues. Dina claims that Danielle’s been talking smack about her, and even Jacqueline backs that notion up. I’m not sure why Danielle is so insecure with her little iron-pumping life that she has to rip rip rip. Anyway, the episode ends with a hint o’ the drama that’s to come between Dina and Danielle and Jacqueline, ooh lala.

Basically, this Housewives will be just like the rest. And frankly, I can’t wait to follow it all the way through. It looks like Danielle’s going to be our hub of drama this season, but who didn’t see that one coming?

Gypsy Café/Pittsburgh/Pan-European

2009-05-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

by Imogen V. Shahrazad

Pardon the cliché, but Gypsy Café on Pittsburgh’s South Side is buried treasure. Located on Bingham Street on the same block as the City Theatre, it’s easy to walk by the restaurant and never notice. However, it’s well-worth breaking out your treasure map.*

Upon entering the establishment, one is struck by the inviting warmth of the décor. The lighting is gentle and accented by tealights in purple votive holders that complement the exposed brick, gold-framed mirrors, and local art on the walls. Oriental rugs add further coziness, and one wall even includes an old church pew as part of the table seating. Basically, it’s pretty.

While I’ve been to Gypsy for dinner a number of times, I have only been to their Sunday brunch a few times, including this past Mother’s Day. The best part about Gypsy Café brunch is that each Sunday is a different theme; appropriately, the most recent was entitled the Famous Mothers Brunch, and each of the entrees incorporated names such as Carol Brady.

A lover of all things pasta related, I ordered the scallion gnocchi with a side of sour cream, a petite salad with creamy Turkish feta dressing, and a mimosa. The mimosa was a delicious opener, not too heavy on the champagne. The petite salad is a delicate blend of field greens, chickpeas, and thinly sliced carrots and radishes. Occasionally I find that field greens taste like dirt, but these were fresh and light. The creamy Turkish feta is, in a word, incredible. Again, no flavors are overwhelming; rather, they are deliciously harmonious.

Finally, the gnocchi was a gamble for me, as I have a fraught relationship with the flavor of onions. I decided to try it based on the fall/winter special sweet potato and pumpkin gnocchi with sage brown butter, a meal I’d sell a kidney for. Fortunately, I was not disappointed. My mother ate the onions from my plate, and the scallion flavor in the gnocchi itself was subtle. The pasta was dusted in parmesan cheese, and the sour cream on the side kept it from being too dry. In summation, I ate until it hurt to live.

I highly recommend that anyone living in or visiting Pittsburgh plan to visit Gypsy Café. At entrées ranging in price from approximately $14 to $22, it’s definitely not an affordable everyday dining experience (unless you’re fabulously wealthy, or not a graduate student), but it’s a great place for a date or a celebration dinner. I give my solemn promise that you will not be disappointed. If I’m wrong, you have permission to smack me.

*Bad joke. Sorry.

TWITTER

2009-05-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone - we now have a twitter page! If you have twitter, feel free to add us and follow along on our strange wonderful journey down review lane, plus get updates when each addition is posted!

Dan Deacon / Bromst / Carpark (2009)

2009-05-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

By Chaynes

Dan Deacon’s second album Bromst is like the best manic episode you’ve never actually experienced. It is condensed energy finding any and every opportunity to burst forth into spastic fragments that assault, while drawing extensively from, the rock-pop paradigm which found its genesis in The Beatles. Deacon seems to take the entire history of pop music, sample it, cut it up, make it faster, and loop it, while drenching everything in arpeggiating synths and vocals. This, in effect, proves how adept Deacon is in utilizing a long musical history create something new and fresh, although deconstructed and fractured.

Normally indie rock album covers are artsy, abstract, or obscure, not really revealing anything about the music inside. Bromst is different. We see a glimmer of light in a dark forest, seeming to emanate from a small circular circus tent covered in intricate patterns of purple and blue (contrasting the greens and browns of the forest scene behind). We can easily imagine Deacon’s music absolutely blasting inside that tent, swirling like a cyclone around that small circular space and disrupting the quiet forest around. I love camping, the tranquility of the woods, but that is one party tent I would kill to be in.

Deacon’s music is, at heart, party music: schizophrenic, uncontrolled, chaotic. But Deacon is not interested in just blitzing your ears with noise. There are pop melodies and progressions everywhere, Deacon just reformats the way in which they are presented. What could be a nice simple sung melody becomes frantic rhythmic jibberish, yet without losing what made it attractive to pop sensibilities in the first place.

It is Deacon’s ability to create complex music that taps into the essence of what we love about pop without sounding contrived or kitsch that sets him apart from the pack of danceable indie darlings. Deacon understands why we love pop music, but he is not willing to settle for just using guitars and drums and vocals to present it. He forces us to look beyond the conventions of the genre, breaking apart the component parts and reassembling them into a Frankensteinian pastiche of energy and motion.

It is as if every song on Bromst contains the entire history of pop music in every passage, condensed, compacted, and then let loose upon each listen. An excellent dance party-tent, indeed.

The Fashion Show/ Bravo/ Thursday Nights

2009-05-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

by Lauren Rara

It’s not often that I find myself attracted to shows about making clothes or staying in trend. Mostly because I have the fashion sense of a ball of lint, but, at any rate, I was looking forward to the premiere of Bravo’s “The Fashion Show.” To quote our very wise editor Cacia Y. Pepe, “It is the B version of Project Runway,” and that is what it is indeed.

The show’s premise is not unheard of. Fifteen hopeful fashion designers want to win the $125,000 cash prize sponsored by Tresemme, ooh lalaaa. It wouldn’t be a bonkers, catty, dramatic show without the handful of snobby girls and uppity queens—of course, The Fashion Show does not disappoint.

Some particular folks that stood out for me were:

Merlin-of course, who could ignore that feather-wearing-circus act
Reco- who designed clothing for strippers
Johnny- with the huge messy bun of glory
Kristin- because she looked to be about 8 and dressed like a Cabbage Patch Doll
James Paul- kind of mousy, anime scary, but talented!
Daniella- up on her high horse because she went to school in London. I wish her London Bridge would fall down.

Anyhoot—the first miniature challenge was for the contestants to create an evening gown from a little, simple, black t-shirt. Personally, I was super-impressed with the way some of these people turned the heat up on their designs. I don’t think I could do much more besides cut off the sleeves and maybe give the shirt room for cleavage.

Keith, Merlin, and Johnny were our fateful winners and they undoubtedly did the best job. Some of the more… um… “unique” pieces included a garment bag within a dress (and not the other way around) as well as a purple-seamed modern day “Barney” dress. Blah. Anyway.

The winner chose teams in a high-end fashionista version of Dodgeball and then each team was to create five looks for an essential piece. At this point I found myself taking notes because I had to channel my inner straight girl. So. We had: Merlin’s team with the Belero jacket (Had no idea what that was until I saw it… thought they were saying Velero Jacket which translated from Spanish would mean Sailboat jacket…Dios Mio); Keith’s team with the pencil skirt (a major, epic, fail); and Johnny’s team with “arab”(hammer) pants.

There were some sewing issues, to say the least. Naughty, naughty Kristin and Johnny, whose models could barely fit in their skirts and outfits—which were absolutely atrocious by the way.
So I was kind of losing interest in this show at this point. Aside from minor squabbles over colors and minor boastings about education, I was yearning for more drama. I guess the biggest point was when Merlin told Daniella something chauvinistic and stupid and she got all uppity and I got all bored.

The Fashion Show portion of the program came toward the end where each team got the chance to showcase their pieces in front of a live audience, Mizrahi, Rowland, Fern Mallis, and guest-judge Ellie Tahari. Needless to say, the judges were nonplussed with the results and I was cringing with the debut of the “pencil” dress… the models (small-framed girls) looked like something you’d see on an overweight girl at a nightclub in the SouthSide of Pittsburgh and not rocking in some couture runway.

The only plus side was James Paul whose rendition of evening wear with his Belero jacket had him winning favor of the judges for this week and left fellow teammates Kristin and Johnny in the hot seat. (Whoops, wrong show)… In the throes of elimination. Johnny wasn’t well-suited for the job and the judges felt Kristin would be a more creative voice overall. Personally, I never want to hear her whiny little voice again.

So alas this will be my first—and last—review of this show. May someone else give it justice.

The Cougar/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

2009-05-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

Today's lesson is truth (what an original theme!). The boys have to write down their darkest secrets for Stacey to read. The two she likes the most get to go on a date with her. Our brilliant cougar reads them aloud and tries to guess who goes with what (with Vivica A. Fox pretending she's interested.) Stacey picks the boy who cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend (Jon) and the boy who went to drug rehab (Ryan.) The twist? Only one of the boys will be coming back from the date!

Stacey continues to show off how young she is by taking the boys indoor sky diving. She takes a moment before each to question the boys on their secrets. Ryan's rehab was for pot? Do people even go to fucking rehab for pot? What a goddamn waste of time. Cheating is apparently one of Stacey's hot buttons. She is shocked. As if this is the most typical secret in the entire world. Stacey decides to let Ryan go because he doesn't ask her a serious question when she gives him the opportunity to ask her anything. The cheater stays. From personal experience...once a cheater, always a cheater.

OHMIGOD!!! She picks a boy to be the first to go to the cougar den!!!! She picked Joe.
We're down down to eight boys. The second challenge is for each of the boys to write (and perform) a love song in 30 minutes for Stacey. I do have a deep love of watching straight boys humiliate themselves. And these boys do not disappoint! We get country, rap, something I would date to say is pop? I'm still rooting for my boy Travis, even though he appears younger and younger with each show (he is only 21). The only one who doesn't make a total ass of himself is Colt (he is a musician), and he wins the date!

The solo date is taking place in a theater (which is soooo fucking awesome!). Oh! Turns out Colt is unemployed. Another surprise! A band is playing a private show for them. This was definitely the best date for Colt. Aw...now a slow dance? Isn't this the stuff that 80s movies are made of?

THE KISS OFF!!! Here's hoping Travis (who was off to a strong start) stays! Yes! He's in, but I think he's barely skating by... Austin runs from the elimination to puke his guts out. Thanks for the audio/visual VH1. What a douchebag. Austin is out! I mean...who would wanna kiss someone that had just puked. David is the other one that is out (we've ethnically cleansed the show now! Yay!).

Stacey is sure that one of these boys is going to capture her heart. That makes one of us.

Will Bernard Quinet / Roxy Theater / 2009-03-21

2009-05-08T06:37:00.002-07:00

by Mitch LeClair

Listen to Medeski Martin and Wood. Buy Tonic, see them live, whatever. Listen to MMW.

Now that I got that out of the way, I can talk about a sick Will Bernard show I recently downloaded. A show you should download. It will make your life better. I know credit cards suck, school’s got you down, maybe your old lady won’t quite calling; whatever your ailment, get this show. Miracle cure shit.

A collaboration, a compilation, a conflagration of sound, damaging normalcy and creating an atmosphere of funk took place at the Roxy Theater in Los Angeles on March 21.
I was lucky enough to get my fingertips on a recorded copy of the show on March 26. Since that date, I estimate I’ve listened to the show approximately 14 times. Mmmmmm….disaster jazz. As one of the band members says during the show, “I think we’ve created a monster.”
Will Bernard, terrific guitarist hailing from the San Francisco area, brought together three other musicians and created Blue Plate Special last year, one of the best records from 2008. Andy Hess, former bass player for Gov’t Mule joined Stanton Moore from Galactic and John Medeski of MMW to form one of the hardest, sliding grooves of a band I’ve ever listened to.

They’re smoother than a loaded Corona and spicier than the 22 Buffalo Wild Wings my roommate just ate. Listening to this particular show and not grinding teeth, closing eyes, and bopping to the beat becomes elusive once you get to track two. “Blister,” a ten-minute journey through The Jeffersons’ apartment, across Amsterdam canals, and around Giza’s three commanding creations surprises even the most seasoned listeners. My aforementioned roommate plays some of the sickest chops on a drum set a guy will ever hear, and as I play this show over our living room speakers, he’s distracted into a dizzying daze by Andy Hess’s bass line on “Blister.”

“How can he get that? That’s a fuckin’ black bass line,” the near-expert-in-his-own-right says. I agree, and we both try to rightfully react to Stanton Moore’s loud-ass rhythms. Moore decisively beats down on his drums; he kicks the shit out of each and every measure, making even South Dakota boys bite their bottom lips and ride along.

The rest of the show follows suit. As I scan the track list yet another time, “Gonzo” and the reworked MMW original “Fuck You Guys” stand out as “if you’re going to listen to one or two tracks from this show, listen to these” mentions.

Times are tough, but the sky is bright. Medeski’s still filling our upstairs with organ vibrations, so all is well.

I highly recommend you visit your favorite torrent site, search for, and download this show. It’s definitely made my Cinco de Mayo a bit more sunny.

Tough Love/ VH1/ Sunday nights

2009-05-08T06:37:00.001-07:00

by Oryomai

Steve decides to give up a quick recap of the season. It's a wonderful trip down memory lane of the highs (Jodi meeting Shane's son, Jaclyn finding what-might-be-love with Brock) and the lows (Stasha during the sexy photo shoot, Arian in general).

SEASON FINALE TIME!!!!

It's time for the (appropriately) biggest challenge: the ladies are going away on a fabulous getaways. BUT. They have to invite one of the guys they met during boot camp. We finally got to the point of the show when we see the ladies ask the guys out. Natasha basically sucks at life. She's made no good connections, humilitated a guy on their last date, and is kinda boring. Steve is impressed by the fact that she tried to apologize to the guy she humiliated and sets her up with someone (24 hour first date? Probably going to end in hell).

Out of nowhere, Taylor says that she's leaving! She doesn't think that she is ready for a relationship right now. Why the fuck is she leaving on the last show?

The ladies all head out on their getaways. Jodi and Shane head to Vegas. They are definitely the most interesting couple at this point because they're actually a couple. And I'm fairly certain that they both have IQs higher than their clothing sizes. All the ladies seem to be doing pretty well on their getaways (no one gets drunk and calls the other person a douchebag or anything). Brock is concerned about what's going to happen when Jaclyn goes back to home with her ex. Which is totally legit because she's a stupid cunt.

Final group! As something fun for the last episode, everyone is in the hot seat! Yay! Since it's the end of a non-elimination show, everyone gets all fucking weepy about how that bastard Steve really helped them in their lives by acting like a super dick. Oh thank god, Jaclyn is fucking up. Something worth watching on TV for once. Oooh! Greg (the ex) is going to be picking her up at the airport. She says that she is serious about Brock. Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Don't worry – we get status updates! Stasha took the boy she left the show for to Serbia to meet her fam – they're getting married this year. Taylor moved home to be near her family, and still talks to Jodi every day (aw...). Arian moved to LA to be with her new boy – a bartender she met while on the show. Natsha is now dating someone she met after camp. Abiola and Justin broke up because the “long distance thing” didn't work. Jessa found true love with someone she knew all along (aw...). Jody and Shane broke up (oh no!) Greg proposed to Jaclyn when she got to the airport, and she totally took him back. They broke up when he went back to his old ways...and she lost Brock.

I know what you're thinking...what am I doing to do without Tough Love? Who is going to teach me that my standards are wrong and that I have major character flaws? How can I see women be humiliated on a weekly basis? Never fear. Auditions for Tough Love Season Two are happening now.

New York Goes To Work/ VH1/ Monday nights

2009-05-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

I don't know about you, but I had definitely missed New York. I missed her piercing screams, her giant fake tits, and the way she thinks that's good at things. The premise of this show is that New York is trying to make it as an actress, but she needs a day job! Which begs the question, what the fuck has she been doing the entire time that she was on these reality shows? Nevertheless, each week you can text vote to see what job New York gets for the week. If she proves that she is a competent person capable of performing the most basic tasks, she gets $10,000. If she doesn't, she gets what the rest of us get for watching her show – jack shit.

First up, New York is going to be an exterminator. She basically runs around screaming and swatting at her weave. She's already pulled out the HBIC card (that stands for Head Bitch in Charge). Always the feminist icon, she proves the stereotype that women are afraid of bugs. First, we watch her run from bees. Then snakes. Oh! She puts on a helmet camera to find a dead animal under a house. If she doesn't deal with this dead animal, she doesn't get paid. I would pick up a dead, rotting rat covered in maggots with my teeth for $10,000 – bitch can do it with proper tools and trained professionals. She runs away like a banshee.

The exterminators then have a panel to decide if New York gets her ten grand. The bees guy says she passes (even though she shrieked.) The snake guy lets her pass because (even though she ran away, she came back.) The dead animal removal guy gives her the big FAIL because she left him hanging under the house. The head exterminator says that she failed at the biggest job. He still lets her get her check though.

This show is basically just a half an hour chance for the working class of America to humiliate someone. After this first episode in which group of white male exterminators judge the black female, I'm not sure how this is going to go. Also, can you imagine if this obnoxious reality show bitch shows up at your workplace and makes ten grand for staying one day? What the fuck do these people actually make? This show started off like a lame-ass knock-off second rate straight-to-video version of the Simple Life. Here's hoping it gets better!

Next week: pig farmer, construction worker, or pet groomer?!

Bat For Lashes/Two Suns/April 6th, 2009

2009-05-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

By Imogen V. Shahrazad

I’m entirely convinced Bat For Lashes (aka Natasha Khan) recorded her sophomore album Two Suns in an evergreen forest, after dark, in the space between midnight and a thunderstorm. Indeed, I get the impression that Bat for Lashes herself splits her time between dancing in the moonlight and prowling the banks of slow-moving rivers.

The gentle, folky curves of her voice mask something deep, an instinct for human rhythms. Elements such as the hand-claps in “Two Planets” become body as instrument, and one almost forgets that sounds other than those coming out of the musician herself exist on the album. It’s a dream vision, a call to ancestors, an ear to the ground.

That said, Two Suns is not a wishy-washy, faux-hippie, part-time goddess worshipping “I was inspired by a weekend retreat to Allegheny National Forest” album. This is a serious work of art.
Bat For Lashes makes music for the bare bones of the soul, and we hang our hearts on the deep breath of her vocals, nestled like cubs. Despite her instinctual grasp of something fundamentally nature-made, the theatrical final minute and thirty seconds of the album (the end of “The Big Sleep”) could be a swan song—one imagines a dancer spinning slowly off the stage in a fading spotlight, the audience holding its breath.

Jane Jacobs/ Dark Age Ahead/ 2004

2009-05-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

by Eriq F

In these times of economic strife, everything seems pretty crazy, and no one's really surprised by much these days, it seems. A business losing a few billion dollars is "better than expected," and perhaps reason for a large reward. If I were to pick a Jane's Addiction album title to sum it up, it'd be "Nothing's Shocking". Still, even these days, it's a bit odd that one of the best analyses of our current situation was written 5 years ago by a woman who's been dead for three years now.

Most well known for her first book, The Death and Life of Great American Cities, as well as being a perennial pain in the ass of many a city planner, Jane Jacobs died in 2006. Her final book, 2004's Dark Age Ahead, predicts the current economic/financial/housing/everything crisis pretty accurately. This fact on its own isn't necessarily remarkable, since there were a chorus of ignored voices predicting the colossal bursting of the housing bubble. As I've already mentioned, Dark Age Ahead was written five years ago, so its focus is not on this financial crisis (which, if you're like me, you're tired of hearing about). The financial crisis is mentioned in passing, as being rather inevitable. It's a red herring compared to her large point, which is that North American culture is heading towards a dark age, where the culture will be forgotten, and even the memory of what was lost will be lost. Since this is a pretty bold claim, Jacobs spends the first part of the book laying out her argument for how this would even be possible. The rest of the book details five pillars of our culture which she argues have fallen from grace.

If all of this sounds pretty depressing... well... yeah, it is. But it's no mistake that the first sentence of the book "This book is both a gloomy and hopeful book." Jacobs does outline how things can be turned around, a touch of optimism which saves the book from being a complete downer.

What makes Dark Age Ahead interesting is the same thing that made The Death and Life... a classic: Jacobs' clear-eyed ability to take several steps back from the problem and look at the underlying causes. I can't help but think that this approach should not be as refreshing as it is. It's been almost fifty years since the publication of The Death and Life... in 1961, and city planners have only recently started taking her suggestions into account in projects (and in each instance, there's plenty of astonishment when her suggestions almost always work). We can only hope that either someone heeds the warnings of Dark Age Ahead a bit sooner, or that the book is not as accurate of an analysis.

DOOM/ Born Like This/ Lex (2009)

2009-05-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

by Chaynes

DOOM (until recently known as MF Doom, Metal Fingers, the Supervillain, King Geedorah, Viktor Vaughn the Vaudeville/Venomous Villain, etc…) is something of an enigma. If that list of aliases doesn’t give it away, DOOM likes to remain secretive. His telltale mask creates a layer of protection between DOOM and the normally exposed autobiographical rapper, constantly flooding us with rhymes about how much money/pussy he (or she) has collected/abused. DOOM doesn’t tell us about his life, at least his real life, he tells us about ours.

DOOM’s catalogue is extensive and varied, ranging from uncanny guest-spots on multiple records to pastiche-instrumentals drawing on old sci-fi records and comic books. Within that massive catalogue are a few records that DOOM puts his whole effort into, namely Venomous Villain, Operation Doomsday, MM… Food, and Born Like This. Born is DOOM’s most recent solo outing, and it consolidates what DOOM tries to do with every record into 17 weird-ass tracks.

DOOM works extremely well both as a rapper over his own production and as a rapper over tracks produced by others, but he usually picks one path or the other for solo records. Born finds DOOM mixing his own beats with an all-star cast including J Dilla, Jake One, and Madlib. DOOM’s sci-fi infused fantasies, chopping up all sorts of old beats and sounds and narrators, blend perfectly here with Dilla’s eerie synths, Jake One’s boom-bap, and Madlib’s blunted-out ecstasy. These settings seem the only fitting scene for DOOM’s abstracted, cosmically comic understanding of the human condition.

His rhymes are what set DOOM definitively apart from all the other rappers out there right now, or ever for that matter. There are those with better technical ability than DOOM (Busdriver comes to mind) and those with a better articulation (here we think of Aesop Rock), but no one can make us laugh like DOOM without the accompanying trivialization. His rhythms are almost as jagged as the cut up samples over which he rhymes, and he seems to take patterns of rhyme for way to many bars only to wrap them up with ridiculous one-liners that are satisfyingly offensive and hilarious. Despite the mask’s gravitas, DOOM never takes himself too seriously and consistently denies us any ability write him off. When he tells us on Born that he got “his PhD in indiscreet street hagglin’”, we believe that the Supervillain actually has become an expert in his field.

No DOOM record is complete without ridiculous samples, and Born is no exception. Creepy old voices foretelling the dastardly deeds of masked villains blend seamlessly into DOOM’s gravelly apocalypse. But Born reveals something of DOOM’s literary side: “Cellz” begins with a reading of Bukowski’s “Dinosauria, We”, prophesying the doomed world (forgive the intentional pun!) of the human condition and modern technology. This type of literary reference could come across as gauche, or at least contrived, in less skillful hands, but DOOM has spend a lifetime carefully selecting samples, so we must therefore take this choice as DOOM’s bleak comment on the current state of things.

The narratives on this album take us beyond the off-the-cuff witticisms of DOOM’s previous output and into a sick world on the brink of death, consumed by villains of all kinds with no heroes to swoop in and save us. This idea is supported by the disturbing image gracing the back cover of the album (yes, this means you should actually go out and buy the physical album!): a sonogram showing a male figure in fetal position, yet wearing the DOOM mask (literally Born like this). We are breeding villains, corrupting ourselves from the inside out, filling the world with danger and conspiracy. But don’t worry, it is not all doom and gloom (damn I am full of puns today!). This album is hilarious and will get your head bobbing better than any other hip hop outing this year.

DOOM is the most creative and interesting rapper making music right now because he is never willing to compromise his search for the new and strange in the face of widespread success. Just don’t laugh too hard when he sings a hook like a dying dog.

Joe Mama's/ Pittsburgh/ Italian

2009-05-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

by Lauren Rara

Joe Mama’s so …hit or miss anymore that I can’t even come up with a quick-witted quip for my opening line. After the first fateful day I visited this restaurant it quickly climbed its way to one of my favorites. I consider myself relatively picky about Italian cuisine, so when I find a place that’s decent I try to keep it in mind.

Anyway, the lady and I went there the Wednesday before my intensive day of two mind-blowing, bum-raping finals that came the next day. We were excited to eat our favorite (relatively) cheap Italian place. We ordered two plates of ravioli and asked for extra dressing on the house salad that comes with entrees. Some part of me should have thought something was off whenever my fountain coke tasted like nothing but seltzer water and the lady’s beer was flat as our waitress’s personality.

The salad came and the usually tasty, simple homemade Italian was more like an overly spiced paste that came out of some jar. Disappointing, seeing how that is usually the best way to start off the meal. At any rate, our mute waitress brought our dishes out super quick and the sauce surrounding my Rav’s was swimming with water which must have somehow affected the texture of the other raviolis. They were falling apart like goopy mush instead of cheese filled pasta pillows.

For thirty bucks, I’m not sure that this was worth it! And this is the first time I would say that. Next time, I’ll be sure to stick to my artery-clogging stick-to-your-ribs “Hug Yo Belly Gemeli” and the breaded mozzarella triangles—mmm…

I’m sad to even write this review because it feels like I’m being disowned by my own mama, but I guess it’s only Joe's Mama so … better luck next time? Better service next time? Better food next time?

The Cougar/TV Land/ Wednesdays

2009-05-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

(Full disclosure: I'm kind of sick right now...most likely swine flu. So if this review isn't as razor sharp as my others, I apologize.)

The cougar struts down the stairs in a sequined top more fitted to the Chicken Ranch as opposed to a classy dating show. TALENT SHOW TIME!!! Public humiliation is a big theme on reality dating shows right now. The boys all have to think of a talent off the top of their heads. The first guy does a Borat impression. The white guy does a rap about Wisconsin. My favorite is the boy who handcuffs her and does a little lap dance. But that seems to be more my style than hers. She doesn't pick people that are particularly talented in a conventional sense. Thankfully, the testosterone is starting to make an appearance. I'm pretty sure the competitions from here on out won't be as friendly...

Stacey takes the boys who won the talent show out salsa dancing. The guys take this chance to ask her about her family (but oddly, no one asks her about her children). Austin yelled "green light" when he got a kiss. What a total tool. The guys seem to be having trouble related to an older woman. Stacey is, for some reason, completely serious about this show. She doesn't seem to understand that this is a reality dating show in which she embarasses herself on national television for my amusement. This is not the time for your epiphany.

Our cougar is just as big a glutton for punishment as the ladies of Tough Love: she decides to have the boys pick her out an outfit to wear. Oh...just when I thought that the most humiliating heterosexual male activity was buying a 40 year old woman a gift, it turns out that there's one better! Travis shows just how young he is by putting on one of the dresses. Nothing like mocking gender relations to bring in the audience. Stacey puts on a little fashion show for Vivica A. Fox. The winner of the one-on-one date is JOE! He picked a dress that makes her look a little bit like a cast-off from Pretty Woman.

Now that we've seen the entire group humiliate themselves by choosing dresses, we get to watch the winner make a total asshole of himself at a classy restaurant! Joe gets carded before the gets the wine. Was it really necessary to show that? The waitress brings over escargot (which is totally fucking gross...there are enough animals that I don't need to eat bugs). Joe actually handles himself very well -- he's definitely the most refined of the guys. He loves foie gras and can tell wine by smell. He's a man of many talents. Stacey brings up her kids -- and tells Joe that the oldest is older than him (he's older by a few months actually). I'm really surprised that Joe is doing so well in this situation. I was looking forward to watching him act like a dick. Oh well. I'm sure there will be time in the future.

Time for the third kiss-off! She is sending three boys home. Wow...the cougar is really devouring these boys. This is definitely a short-run show. I'm hoping for my fav, Travis! This whole premise of the "kiss-off," aside from being kinda gross, is too fucking long. There's twenty minutes left in the show, and I have to watch her suck face with a wonderland of boys?! YES! TRAVIS IS IN! The boys never have any drama in their eliminations. We need to get Pumkin and New York in here stat! Even though I *love* this show, I have a tendency to zone out during the kiss-offs...they're a bit drawn out. I'm pretty sure that Vivica A Fox is a drag queen though...those earrings, the fierceness, and the love of younger boys.

There are now nine boys left. Continue to watch as a 40 year old woman pretends that the search for true love ends on reality TV.

Daisy Of Love/ VH1/ Sunday nights

2009-05-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

An ominous voice warns the men standing before us, in the beginning of Daisy of Love, are in fact not on Tool Academy OR Sober House… despite the fact they could all be on each. HINT TO VH1: MAKE A MALE CHARM SCHOOL!

Today, I realized more than ever before that every episode of every reality show has an equal and opposite reaction reality star. I don’t really care if you did bad on the SAT’s, be prepared for a set of “___ is to ___ as ___ is to ___.”

The beginning, Daisy is to New York as Riki Rachtman is to New York’s Mom. The unfortunate difference being Daisy thinks she’s a rock star. She sings and it’s more than stupid. “I was pitching a tent, not gonna lie.” says soon-to-be-named Weasel. Please, do from now on.

Swedish triplets 84’ 85’ and ‘86 are to Frenchy as 12 Pack is to 12 Pack. Not only are they all un-understandable blonde, they’re also only in it for one thing. But in the boys case, it’s food… and ‘buze.’ “We’re always getting ridiculous,” they say. But the craziest thing I see them do is eat raw hot dogs dipped in salsa.

I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so excited 12 Pack is on this. He admitted up front after leaving I Love New York he was there to party and thought New York was a man. While I do happen to love the semi-tranny, I love 12 Pack’s antics more. Oh, he also shares, “If I think a girl’ll maybe cheat on me or do horrible things to me, I start to think she might be the girl for me.” Wise choices in a wise reality tv world…

“Some people are gonna get sloppy tonight man,” says 12 Pack. He couldn’t be more correct (and duh, he did this two other times.) They all get wasted.

Begin the quotable Daisy moments (QDM): “This naming stuff is really hard because you have to come up with all these names.” A real modern day intelligent feminist, isn’t she?

Cage is to Danger (because of the tattoos) as Flipper is to It (they both seem really off… mentally.)

“Daisy, your name is who you are,” says the only attractive new guy on the show, tagged Wolf. Daisy responds “I don’t really know what he’s talking about.” And generally that’s a statement she’d probably say about everything, but I agree.

She carries a long crazy straw in her wine glass. Aww… it’s like a child’s getting drunk after finishing their bowl of Fruit Loops.

London pukes all over the bathroom. QDM: “He’s passed out on the floor like a friggin crime scene. This is Daisy of Love, not I Love Liquor.” You go girl!

20 minutes before the end of the episode she cuts: the triplets. Not exactly a shocker. It was pretty creepy they wanted to be a ‘smorgesboard’ with her.

While Weasel was passed out, they drew all over his face. He walks into the elimination clearly not having looked in the mirror.

Weasel is to Rodeo (token older character) as London is to the girl who got passed out drunk on Rock of Love 2 AND Charm School: Rock Of Love (only he stays.)

Oh, one last one! Chi Chi and Sinister are to Real and Chance (roommates… brothers… same difference) as Cable Guy is to Natasha (token out of race character.)

The boys that go home? Dropout and Torch.

My front runners for the show: Wolf, 12 Pack… and Weasel. I know… I know… it’s so weird. But I think he’s genuinely funny. Usually the “oldest” character is so crazy it’s lame (I.e. Rodeo) but I happen to think he’s probably a nice guy.

Or you know… creepy enough to provide entertainment. And that’s what this show is really all about anyway.

Brau Brothers / Cooler/ $6.99

2009-05-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

by Mitch LeClair

Certain beers fit certain tongues. Some like their brews dark, oily, almost pungent with a strong aftertaste of alcohol. Yet others prefer a light, “drinkable” beverage, low in calories (and taste.) My own mouth muscle prefers a hoppy beer, one that is not too transparent but far from opaque, filled with flavor and lacking a knock-me-down thrust of too-strong punches overabundant in many common brands.

Since moving in with Mr. Palette, my roommate and beer judge extraordinaire Roose, I have become more and more interested in microbrews; that is, beers that don’t suck. While I can still enjoyably take down a respectable amount of Bud Heavies in a night if need be, I tend to search out smaller, much more specialized varieties of bottled, fermented drinks.
About a month ago, in my quaint South Dakota residential palace of Brookings, SoDak, I met the owners/founders/managers/marketers of Brau Brothers beer.

I first sucked their golden brown liquids through my lips at a little get-together called Beer Fest here in Brookings, and since that weekend, I’ve bought four different six-packs of their beers. Disregarding my contempt for the sole spirits store in our town, and how it got to be that way due to self-righteous municipality licenses, I’d say that my weekly trips to Brookings Liquor have been more enjoyable because of the kin hailing from Lucan, Minnesota – a town of barely 200, mind you.

My first exposure to Brau Brothers introduced a sample of their Strawberry Wheat brew to my system. It was a fresh sample, and a later tasting of a store-purchased pack has yielded far inferior results. True, I was half drunk at a beer festival the first time around, but after buying and drinking a sixer of the fruity brew struck me as far less novel and quite a bit more cheesy. A good attempt, but too close to a cheerleader Mike’s Hard for me.
However, my second time around paralleled a repeat encounter of the sexual kind: much more comfortable, much more pleasing. Maybe I had to get used to the hometown water Brau uses in their product, or maybe their Pale Ale was quite simply one heck of a good beer. I’m usually an easy target for pale ales, with their sweet, seductive first snap and lingering, begging-for-more aftertaste, but this beer tasted different. It struck me as a homebrew with balls – a year or two off from becoming a Midwest classic.

Their Scotch Ale is pretty good. That’s about all. It’s not great, but definitely worth the $6.99 I paid for a six-pack. I would say it’s worth $7.99 at the most. Of course, these are South Dakota prices, and the beer’s only traveled a few hours to be sold in our frosty coolers.

The other Brau Brothers beer I’ve tried is one from their single-batch series: Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout. I have two problems with this beer and one good thing to say about it. First, the bad. It tastes like an attempt, as in, “Let’s make a chocolaty, malty beer.” “Ok, but I don’t know if it will be that good…” Just do it Brothers; you seemed hesitant with this one. I’m not sure how else to describe the taste. It’s walking through the door, but the damn thing has it’s head down.

My other negative comment concerns the lack of specialized design work on the box. The entire single-batch series from Brau, which includes a pretty darn good Sheephead IPA I’ve been told, comes with the same package design and only unique stickers on the side. Basically the only reason this is a big deal is that it is boring, does nothing to attract customers (who should be attracted to this brewery, because their beers are excellent overall), and it can not be included in an attractive six-pack side beer wall in a domicile, as I have lived under for the past ten months.

My positive remark about the Whirlybird Oatmeal Stout: the whirlybird sucking the crow in for a logo – brilliant.

Brau Brothers still has a few stairs to go, but one look at their extremely impressive website, one taste of most of their beers, or one face-to-face meeting with their kind, welcoming staff proves that they they’re ascending the flight by twos and threes. I think they’ll be reaching the second floor soon enough.

Toddlers & Tiaras/TLC/Tuesdays at 10pm

2009-05-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

By Imogen V. Shahrazad

When I was a little girl, I read books about cats and horses and barely brushed my hair. In fact, when my mom insisted on combing out the snarls, I frequently cried. I wore gigantic, ill-fitting t-shirts until I was thirteen. So you can imagine how little I could relate to the pageant girls of TLC’s reality show Toddlers & Tiaras.

The show highlights one child pageant per episode in locales as varied as Pittsburgh, PA, to small town Georgia. The girls, ranging in age from barely walking to the brink of puberty, sashay awkwardly across the stage in glittering dresses so expensive their parents missed a mortgage payment, while eager beaver pageant moms (an unmistakable breed, similar to Chihuahuas) mime the girls’ choreography and pray their children’s parade float-sized hairdos don’t fall flat like bad soufflés.

Tacky? Yeah. But, as an unabashed feminist and generally concerned human being, I also find it fairly alarming.

It’s difficult to tell what is worse: the parents’ seemingly blind enthusiasm for kiddie pageants or the kids’ confusion regarding whether or not they actually like competing. At the Stars of Pennsylvania pageant (a glitz pageant, as opposed to a natural pageant, whatever that means), we meet, among others, Meadow, Angela, and Roni. Meadow, a seven-year-old future Stepford wife, has competed in over one hundred pageants. Angela is a sweet eight-year-old from a large family, and Roni is a highly entertaining and petulant two-year-old.

My first concern is financial: while Meadow’s family seems to have no trouble paying thousands of dollars for a dress she’ll grow out of in three months, Angela is only one of five kids in a military family and Roni’s mother requires her own mother’s help to pay for pageant accoutrement—in the form of moving back into her mom’s house because she can’t pay the rent. While there’s no shame in having financial difficulties, is it justifiable in the face of the possibility that these girls don’t even like pageants?

While Meadow is a lost cause (at this point, the poor thing is practically a My Size Barbie), Roni expresses her desire to go swimming rather than continue the pageant (and later falls asleep in her mother’s arms, as toddlers do). Perhaps the saddest moment is when Angela doesn’t win the big crown and tells the camera, in heartbreaking monotone, “I like natural pageants more than glitz pageants.”

Pro-pageant people argue that competition boosts the girls’ self-esteem and provides them a fun hobby, but seeing little girls in sequined dresses, spray tans, and hair pieces cry over losing the top title is, to put it simply, soul crushing. Girls don’t need to hear that their worth is wrapped up in their ability to blow kisses at judges or smile the prettiest; they get enough of that just watching television and living in America.

Little girls need to be what they are: kids. They should play in the dirt with My Little Ponies and read bedtime stories with their parents. They should sing and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba, not struggle through some unnecessarily complicated choreography in a room full of strangers. If my six-year-old sister ever told me she wanted to do a pageant, I’d sob. Loudly.

Oh, and you know the thing that freaks me out the most? Flippers. Flippers are fake teeth the kids can slip on over their real teeth to hide gaps from lost baby teeth. OH. MY. GOD.

U2/ No Line on the Horizon/ Interscope (2009)

2009-05-01T11:56:00.001-07:00

By Chaynes

A disclaimer: I am a big U2 fan.

A second disclaimer: I am one of those U2 fans who think that they should have stopped making new albums after Achtung Baby.

Disclaimers aside, this is not going to be an exercise in U2 bashing. Rather, I aim to explore what it is about more recent U2 albums that makes fans like me experience disappointment and a longing for the early days of the band. No Line on the Horizon, although highly anticipated, unfortunately inspires those experiences.

If you watch TV, especially with cable through Comcast, your first exposure to Line was probably the band’s promo videos featuring the song “Get on your Boots.” Whoever let Bono and The Edge release this track as the album’s lead single should be dragged out behind the shed and shot. This song is a testament to how badly modern rock needs to die. Modern rock, luckily for most of us, is on the wane, but for some reason U2 decided to tap into its beer-chugging ethos. If there is any of U2’s usually pointed socio-political commentary/criticism hiding somewhere in Bono’s yelped lyrics, the lame-as-an-old-mare “riffing” blasted out by The Edge obscures any chance we might have had to recognize it (with a name like “The Edge,” he should have known better!)

Fortunately, “Get on your Boots” is an outlier on Line. There are moments where U2 remember and channel the epic, anthemic power of their early output (specifically “Moment of Surrender” and “Magnificent”), with soaring vocals and delayed guitar melodies growing to grandiose levels. While these are staples of the U2 catalogue, helping to define the band above and beyond their contemporaries, something still feels hollow. While we recognize many of the moments we love in U2’s music here, Line starts to feels like well-crafted artifice, rather than brutally honest authenticity.

There is a raw, angry, and violent quality that effectively informs the melodramatic pop of U2’s first few albums, especially so in the wildly successful classic The Joshua Tree. This mixing of emotions, in large part, is what catapulted U2 to worldwide fame and has kept them there for decades. Bono charged his songs with attacks on worldwide injustices and then made good on his threats by becoming and international activist (like it or not, he has done good work!). The music was a perfect complement to these politically motivated messages, creating expansive settings drenched in reverb big enough to encompass the world’s most pressing concerns.

This is the quality I find lacking in Line. While some tracks approach this compelling nature, songs like “Get on your Boots” do not even come close. This album appears to divide along two lines: 1.) embarrassment as we listen to U2 attempt to stay current with rock trends instead of innovating what they have, and 2.) nostalgia inspired by the brief moments where what we used to love about U2 are partially reiterated. Neither of these two paths allow us to appreciate Line for what it is, a mediocre rock record.

The latent energy (bursting forth into subversive political power) of the early records is no more in Line. It is a piece of music, and there are certainly worse pieces of music, but in context, this album falls impotent at the feet of the men who created it. I am the last person to criticize musicians for exploring new territory, but there is always a risk. U2 are getting up in years, they have dominated the rock scene for a very long time, and so there must be constant pressure to both fulfill the needs of longtime fans and catch the eyes of new generations. Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen have managed to do this, and Line proves that U2 could, but they just need to keep trying.

Recently, U2 reissued their first few albums in fancy deluxe editions, including excellent packaging and tons of live and unreleased material. This to me seems a more effective way to capture younger audiences: show them why you started rocking in the first place.

Tough Love/VH1/Sundays

2009-05-01T11:51:00.001-07:00

by Oryomai

This week on Tough Love, Steve says the ladies are going to have surprise guests for their dinner party. If any of them had watched a reality TV show in their lives, they would know that this is the time they bring families/exes on. It's Taylor's mom! Jaclyn's ex-boyfriend! Jessa's best friend from home! Jodi's ex/BFF! Abiola's sister! Natasha's ex! Arian's mom! The shocks never stop.

Arian decides to bring her mother up to speed...well...the speed she thinks boot camp is going. Steve wants her mother and him to work together to help Arian with her giantic moronic slut issue. Arian's mom goes right on the defensive. Apparently this is the high school principle's office, and Arian is tattling. What the fuck? How old does she think we are? Apparently being a sexually transmitted disease-laden ho bag is something that can be defended by your slut-mother. I'm not entirely sure what the hell is going on with this family, but Arian tells her mother about how she gets naked with strange men in the bathtub and her mother laughs. The majority of what Arian says in this exchange is beeped. Even Taylor is disgusted by what Arian is doing. Arian thinks that she won because her mother had the balls to stand up to Steve. Jaclyn's ex drove her to the airport to go to this show. Why the fuck is she even talking to him? Jaclyn went to the bathroom to go pray.

The ladies all have second guests -- dates. Steve says the ulitmate challenge is dealing with someone from your past and present at the same time. Jaclyn is totally freaking out. She's trying to make both of the guys happy. Jodi starts talking to the boys about what she thinks Jaclyn should do about them. She starts crying over it. Because she's a fucking trust fund ho. The guys went up to Jodi because Jaclyn has no idea how to lead her own life -- she doesn't work and her parents take care of her. Taylor seems to have taken for Valentino. Natasha is also dealing with two men at the same time, and bitch crawled headfirst into a bottle. Now, I probably don't have any room to talk about this, but goddamn girl...slow down!

Steve has a meeting with Arian's mother and his mother. Steve's mother says she'd kick his ass if he talked to her like Arian talked to her mother. Steve shows Arian's mother the videos of what Arian does. For some completely unexplicable reason, her mother laughs a bit at this show of slut. Steve tells Arian's mother that there is only so much that they can do...and without her help there's nothing left for her.

Group meeting time! The ladies revealed a lot about their characters this week. Jaclyn is this week's winner! She did her best to keep it together and kept the situation under control. Jaclyn's ex says he sees a future with her but not now. Arian starts freaking out because she knows she's in the goddamn hot seat. Half of the girls are concerned, half are totally not amused. Taylor calls her Quasimodo ringin-the-bell fuckin' nuts...I'm proud of her for knowing that one! Steve tells Arian he hadn't planned on having a hot seat that night. We all thought that Arian was going to change. She tries to defend herself by saying that she has learned things. Steve tells her to get the fuck out. When Taylor calls you a lost cause, you have serious issues. Arian tries to start a mutiny at boot camp -- she wants Abiola, Jessa, and Natasha to come with her. For some odd reason, Jessa freaks the hell out about him telling Arian to leave. She just hates Steve and wants to yell. Whatever, Arian leaves and Jessa calms down.

Next up: the series finale!

The Cougar/TVLand/Wednesdays

2009-04-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

by Oryomai

Hello cougar-lovers! Previously, we eliminated five of the guys. Now it's time to get into the details of the reality show that we all know and love (dates, moving into the house, cliques, shirtless hotties). I have absolutely no clue what the hell Vivica A. Fox is doing on this show.

First challenge: the boys get five minutes to act as Stacy's "personal trainer." I'm not sure why we're working out, but I know that there are 15 shirtless hotties. I'm not entirely sure that our cougar even gives a damn about the emotional connection with the boys. Travis (my favorite from the last episode) isn't really that good at it. One guy admits that he's a "cougar virgin." What the fuck are these people talking about? The five winners are Travis (yes!!!!), Adam, Colt, Brian, and Tom. Stacey likes herself some beta.

The first date of the season is a roller skating rink. OMG! Stacey has to send one of the boys home right from the date. I cannot think of a better place than the skating rink to try to have serious discussions about what people want in life. Travis cuts into another guy's time to give the cougar a teddy bear he won in the claw machine. He is *good*. (Full disclosure: anyone I like on a show usually gets booted right quick.) OMG!!!! Mini-kiss off at the skating rink! Tom is eliminated -- most likely due his cougar virginity.

What could the next twist be? STACEY'S BIRTHDAY!! The big four-oh. Two of the cougar's best friends show up to help her decide about the boys. The next challenge is for the boys to find her a gift. The prize? The very first one-on-one date! I don't know if there is anything more tragic than heterosexual males in their twenties shopping for a gift. No pressure on the gifts or anything, but she hates it you can probably just get the fuck out. One of the guys goes a little too sexual with the card -- she's shocked! Everyone knows that you go on a reality show to find true love not just gratuitous groping with implied sex! The winner of the solo date is Jon.

On their date, Jon asks her about her personal life. He becomes the first person to ask her if she has any kids. Jon seems shocked that she has four kids (she's got the Kathy Griffin bangin' bikini bod). Stacy's friends seem to really like the boys in the house. Tensions are (finally!) starting to rise among the men. I'm looking forward to a really fierce drunken frat boy fight. I've seen far too many pathetic cat fights (Megan kicking Brandi M in the stomach?) The surprise party fades into the second (major) kiss-off.

Stacey is sending two of our boys home. The cougar seems to be seriously upset by eliminations now -- imagine what fucking hot mess this bitch is gonna be come the end! I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if one person in that house has herpes. Stacey's kisses everyone...

YES!! TRAVIS IS SAFE THIS WEEK!!! The first guy to go is JD. Stacey is not into poetry or shy boys apparently. Jim is the other boy to go -- she doesn't think that she has a connection with him. He seems like a total dick though (reminds me of my ex actually.)

And so we end another thrilling episode of the Cougar. Who will she choose? When is everyone going to find out that she has four kids (one of whom is older than some of the boys)? Who's going to be first guy to get drunk and whip it out? I, for one, cannot wait to find out!

Fuel and Fuddle/ Pittsburgh

2009-04-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

by Lauren Rara

It was a hot and unseasonable day; the heat brought out the half-naked Pitt girls in their way too tight Panther Paw shorts and t-shirts. Thankfully, the winter proved a stellar time for fake-baking, for otherwise I fear there would be a pasty situation on their hands. Regardless, it was a day that was too warm to cook indoors so, with a decisive curiosity, my girlfriend and I decided to try out Fuel and Fuddle. I was extremely excited about this place, one because my stomach yearned for something other than dorm food slop and two because I was anxious to try out my fake id. No, just kidding. (Maybe).

Anyhow, the dining space was small, but cozy. It kind of had this sports-bar-cum-brick-oven-pizzeria type feel to it, but when we were seated right in the middle of two other tables of overly excited Pitt boys, I was no longer impressed. Anyway, I think the best part about this whole restaurant is their beer selection. CRAZY beers. I mean stuff I’ve never heard of and could barely pronounce, let alone spell. And WOODCHUCK Draft cider. If you haven’t tried this, then do it. It’s delicious and comes in great flavors like Pear and Amber. Regardless, we got our beverages and then I saw the menu.

There’s a shit ton of greasy, deep-fried, dressed-up dishes with kitschy names but they’re all pretty basic. Burgers. Salads. Sandwiches. I wanted a healthy option, so I got something called “Veg Head Pasta” with Spinach and garlic over penne. My girl got a delightfully greasy dish called “Rollafatty” which is basically just a few honkin’ pepperoni rolls. Our waitress was pleasant enough, when she actually cared to see if we were doing okay and it took a damn while for the food to come. I think her little blonde head thought that if she catered to the students accompanied by parents she’d get a better tip. I recall almost throwing myself into the aisle to get her attention for another drink, but, alas, no luck. Anyway, food came and it looked like shit. I was actually sincerely disappointed.

Seriously. The noodles were so overdone that they were sticking together and the goopy “sautéed” spinach was gritty and unwashed. I took a taste of my girlfriend’s and that was delicious, though I think most of it was masked with the pounds of grease seeping off of it. I mean, beggars can’t be choosers, but if I’m paying close to ten bucks for a dish of pasta I want it to actually taste good and not like something I would in fact get on my meal plan.
Is it so hard to ask for quality healthy-ish food? The menu boasted its availability of vegetarian choices, but I honestly wish I would’ve gotten a pizza or something else. I feel like that’s about the only thing Fueling along that Fuddy-duddy of a joint.

Flight of the Conchords/ Kent State University’s MAC Center/ April 19th 2009

2009-04-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

by Eriq

Flight of the Conchords are not hack musicians, they just play them on TV. On their popular HBO television series, Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie play a pair of bumbling idiot musicians from New Zealand, struggling to hit it big in New York City. In the fictional world of the series, only one fan shows up to their shows, played with gusto by Kristen Schaal. At a real life concert on Sunday night, Kristen Schaal was there again... but so were several thousands of other fans.

At this point, it would be pretty futile for Bret and Jemaine to continue acting like no one has ever heard of their band, especially since at several points in the show, they had difficulty talking over the crowd yelling "BRET/JEMAINE I LOVE YOU!!!!!" Also making the wise choice to drop character for the evening, Kristen Schaal performed a quirky, adorable, and hilarious opening set that included a sex scene with a pot and its lid (enough said about that, really).

Amateur theater night continued at Kent State University's MAC Center, as the Conchords took the stage in homemade robot outfits to perform their techno pastiche "Too Many Dicks On The Dancefloor." The new millenium's most unlikely heartthrobs then plowed on with a mix of old favorites from the first season of the show, new classics from the second season, and a few unrecorded "new old songs." Joined onstage by The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra (a single man named Nigel playing the cello), the Conchords' compositions benefited from a live setting, with the instrumentation alternately stripping down or building songs up. The large venue seemed to suit the Conchords, whose images were projected on large screens flanking the stage, communicating their subtle eyebrow raises and smirks to a few thousand people who otherwise wouldn't have seen much of anything. Maintaining their trademark cooler-than-cool deadpan demeanor, the Conchords rarely left their singer-songwriter stools, but when they did, it was worth the wait, like the goofy dance breakdown accompanying the end of "Sugalumps." And with Jemaine pulling double duty on guitar and drums, "Demon Woman" transformed into a primal proto-Doors stomp that seemed downright possessed.

With the future of their TV show up in the air right now, the Conchords seem to be at a crossroads in their career. It seems possible that they could coast on their success and rely on their considerable cult following. Experiments with a backing band might also provide new comedic fodder for the New Zealand duo. Nothing is out of question for a couple of guys who can make a few thousand people laugh by doing nothing at all. Whatever these two decide to do, their faithful audience seems ready to follow.

Watchmen/ Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons/ DC Comics

2009-04-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

by Chaynes

Watchmen is something of an institution right now. Over two decades since its initial release, we now have a very high profile movie, multiple over-priced “companions” to the movie, deluxe hardcover reissues of the book, and some general fervor from both the comic and non-comic communities. In all of this madness (in no small part brought on by the current graphic novel-to-movie obsession) however, no one is really talking about the book, except to say how much better than the movie it is, which is not an entirely productive position.

Many cite Watchmen as a turning point in comic history, the flagship in an invasion of very dark, very adult, very complicated stories and settings that take us far away from Peter Parker and Wolverine (not to diminish those inspiring and well crafted characters). We must then understand what exactly Watchmen is before we can understand the institution it engendered.

Watchmen is simultaneously everything and nothing. It is both every super-hero dream you had as a kid and the sadistic deconstruction of such pathetic fantasies. Moore creates a frighteningly real fantasy world, set in 1985, in which the United States stayed in Vietnam looking for blood and total annihilation and Richard Nixon amended the constitution in order to stay in office for multiple terms beyond the traditionally allotted two. The Cold War is at a terrifying peak, the imminent threat of missile attacks is in full swing, and indeed much of the tension of the reading experience is conveyed through each chapter showing the doomsday clock one minute closer to midnight (and being covered progressively by more and more blood).

This is apocalyptic. No, this is the apocalypse.

Gibbons’ illustrations and Higgins’ coloring (a creepy mix of Easter pastels and doom) carry this foreboding throughout the book, and we are unable to shake the feeling that something terrible might happen every time we turn the page.

Moore’s apocalypse has much to do with the book’s most “super” character, Dr. Manhattan. Dr. Manhattan is everything the United States wished it had during the Cold War – the ultimate failsafe, the ultimate ultimatum, if you will. Due to an accident in a comic/sci-fi-convention particle separator/accelerator (in this case, an “intrinsic field” research device), Dr. Jon Osterman becomes the God-like Dr. Manhattan, who can manipulate all forms of matter and energy with nothing but a thought. This means that he can dissemble any missiles the Soviets might launch just by thinking about it. This also means, as we see from the book, that he can annihilate entire populations and singlehandedly destroy the Vietnamese.

Dr. Manhattan is the only “hero” in this book who has a specifically super-natural ability, and consequently he is the only one who really doesn’t care at all about humanity. Through Dr. Manhattan, Moore explores the human fantasy of creation, and all of the megalomaniacal complications involved. Dr. Manhattan, the U.S.A.’s lynchpin of foreign policy, protecting us from mutually assured destruction, becomes progressively more detached from the concerns of those he has been enlisted to protect; he eventually flees to Mars where he creates a massive glass watch-like machine from which he can observe the workings of the smallest atomic particles in the cosmos. He is as far away from us as he can get, and we spiral toward destruction in his absence. Dr. Manhattan is one pole in Moore’s complex spectrum of the doomed human condition.

The other side of Moore’s sophisticated spectrum finds voice through one of the most sadistic yet gripping characters in fiction: Rorschach. Our first introduction into the world of Watchmen comes through Rorschach, and I think this signifies the kind of perspective Moore entices us to engage through his book. Rorschach gets his name from the key feature of his costume – a mask made of a unique fabric which allows gelatinous material to form changing shapes continuously within it. These shapes manifest as if they were blots on cards during a Rorschach test. These ever changing shapes, evocative of the multiplicity of objects we see during Rorschach tests, simultaneously materialize and render spectral Rorschach’s relationship with the world he finds so disgusting. Rorschach is a mirror, we see in his masked face everything we fear, everything we have repressed, everything we have ever hoped for, and everything we ever thought we loved.

His face is our face, constantly shifting, resisting stability, rejecting any stable sense of morality we can conjure. Rorschach, paradoxically, is the most principled of our cast of heroes: he is the only one who has never compromised in his pursuit of the destruction of evil. We, as readers (as seen through the pathetic Dr. Malcolm who thinks he can “fix” Rorschach), in the face of Rorschach’s stoic purpose, are forced to admit that we are wholly unable to do what it takes to “fix” the world we have so completely ruined. We can think that Rorschach is a sick sociopath, that we could never revert to murder and torture to get the job done, but our condemnation falls limp when we understand Rorschach is us, and we are all him. Spawned from the very world of depravity he so yearns to cleanse, Rorschach is the dark secret lurking within each of us. Moore knows this, and exploits it.

The mirror held up by Rorschach’s face is reiterated during the climax of the book. The final devastating attack is not the nuclear holocaust threatened by the doomsday clock, but instead it is a hideous monster, a cycloptic octopus that crashes down onto the heart of New York City, slaughtering everything in sight. This hideous (and curiously vaginal) monster becomes almost a parody of the super-hero fantasies we associate with comics. It is every terrible creation cooked up by every villain in comics; it is every horrifying nightmare-creation causing children to sleep in their parents’ bed; it is everything we fear – fat, wet, slimy, pulsing, and filled with stench; this monster, in destroying the world of Watchmen, simultaneously destroys any faith we might have in the fantasy that there are super-heroes running around in costume dedicating their lives solely to protecting us. In creating this single monster, Moore dramatically crushes us with his thesis: he ridicules the ways in which humans consistently divert our attentions (either through cold wars or giant monsters) from what should be important in our lives, always passing the buck, never accepting accountability for our own fates.

Despite the naysayers, I enjoyed my time in the theater, watching Watchmen translated onto the screen. But seriously, a bomb just doesn’t cut

Mastodon/ Crack The Skye/ Relapse/ 2009

2009-04-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

A good friend told me recently that “Mastodon is too metal for non-metalheads, and not metal enough for metalheads,” and I think that this sentiment points us toward the true function of the band. Mastodon systematically deconstructs any stable understanding of “metal” we can create.

Metal, as a genre, is plagued by categorization; multiple and varied sub-definitions spawn almost infinitely. Hardcore, grind, stoner, death, black, fantasy, doom, funeral doom, and progressive are all possible prefixes for metal. The thing that makes Mastodon fascinating is how seamlessly they integrate elements from all of the above categories to produce something that is always simultaneously too metal and not metal enough. Within a span of one minute, in any given song, Mastodon can make you weep or melt your face off, and they don’t care which.

Crack the Skye, Mastodon’s most recent exercise in face melting, is their most perplexing, beautiful, haunting, and brutal opus. During the anthemic climax of the titular track, “Crack the Skye,” Troy Sanders wails “Deep within this endless void/ searching for a sign…Weight of worlds is on your shoulders/ hear the voice of gold.” These words pull us into the complex concept behind the album’s construction and the true influence of Mastodon on metal: severing the signified from the signifiers, and leaving the world and reason behind to be carried into realms between time and space. Here we encounter demons, Rasputin, a Tsarina, the devil himself, and all of the dark places in our very souls. The currency here is golden souls and mystical transformation, and we watch as our understanding of the world around us falls crumbling to the ground. Mastodon have already proven their ability to craft delicately brutal concept albums, from Leviathan (a retelling of Moby Dick) to Blood Moutain (epic battles with monstrous intergalactic alien beings), but Skye finds them more deftly creating a musical setting that complements their intellectual conceptions.

Mastodon defies all conventional modes of metal composition, juxtaposing sailing parallel guitar arpeggios (in major keys) against growling yelps (helped of course by Scott Kelly of Neurosis fame) and primal drums. The construction of overarching atmosphere in the composition of Skye surpasses their previous albums, and Mastodon is able here to literally transport us into the world they create, forcing us to forget that we are listening to five scruffy dudes playing instruments. Each song is structured individually, adapting and responding to each new theme presented, giving us the difficult task of keeping up with rapid harmonic, thematic, and structural shifts.

Skye does what all other Mastodon albums have strived to do: force controlled immersion into a fantastical world that stretches our ability to negotiate our relationships with ourselves and the world around us. As we are pushed into the “realm of mystic majesty” Mastodon orchestrates a beautiful symphony of crushing breakdowns and spectral melodies, disrupting our ability to pin down their conceptual project, and providing us with a fully engrossing listen.

- CHAYNES

Tough Love/ Vh1/ Sunday Nights

2009-04-25T22:40:00.001-07:00

by Oryomai

We are now up to lesson six in our Tough Love boot camp. So far we have learned that sexy doesn't have to mean slutty, don't be a gold digger (or if you are, don't let people know about it,) and that it's totally worth making a total ass of yourself on national TV for the love of a man. This lesson is about secrets and how you reveal them and how that is just as important as what you're revealing.

Oh...the thrill of public humiliation!

Steve takes the ladies to a game show called "Cute or Crazy" in which the demographic of MANswers gets to decide about the ladies' qualities. Everyone has a good time except Abiola. This is because she's a total fucking psycho. Highlights include the fact that she uses her cat to decide on potential boyfriends and that she married herself (and wears a ring). I would rather watch Arian throw herself face first into the crotch of the next man to walk in the room than listen to Abiola talk about how she's a princess.

The challenge today is to reveal secrets to the people the ladies have been seeing. Steve decides to bring out all the girls secrets in group time because our sadistic matchmaker did not have enough fun humiliating them in front of a group of strange men. Most of them are pretty tame: loser guys, family members in prison, short term dating...blah, blah, blah. We finally hit scandal with two of them: Abiola and Jaclyn. Abiola was married before?! How in the hell did that happen? (Side note: does marrying whatever guy and then marrying herself, count as being married twice?) Is this divorce the thing that drove her to cats and tiaras? The worst, however, is Jaclyn. Turns out, she is completely supported by her parents (trust fund slut...bet she wears Juicy Couture sweatsuits with Ugg boots in July). She thinks that this is totally okay because her grandfather thinks that girls shouldn't work. Wait...it's that easy to justify? Why haven't I just gotten married and sucked enough dick to get myself a pair of True Religions?! Fuck this real world thing -- I'm going into legalized prostitution.

Now, we get to watch the ladies go on dates to reveal their secrets. Remember: they have to tell something tragic/dark/embarassing but put a positive spin on it. How hard can that possibly be? Most of the ladies do pretty well. Jessa's date is our matchmaker. He can't figure her out, so he decides to surprise her with a lie detector test. Wait a goddamn minute! WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?! He is *not* our VH1 lie detector guy! I don't even know if I'll believe his results. He claims that Jessa is telling the truth...she just doesn't like Steve. So..apparently...Jessa doesn't reveal anything?

Ah, the group review. As if we all just didn't watch it. Taylor wins this week. She managed to cover her tits long enough to make a connection with someone. Go team! Jodi meets her guy's son (get 'em into reality shows while they're young!) Who's in this hot seat this week? ABIOLA! It's not from her date and how she revealed her secret, but the fact that she was a total moron on "Cute or Crazy." Steve lets us know that she (and many other women) suffer from a common problem: overthinking. Ooooh...I have so much more to learn from you Steve!

The Cougar/ Premiere Episode/ TV Land/ Wednesdays

2009-04-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

The Cougar…a show after my own heart (full disclosure: I plan on becoming a cougar at the point when it wouldn't make me a child molester). Nothing says fierce quite like a hot piece of young male arm candy. I wasn't aware that cougarism was a "cultural phenomenon," but I am thrilled to help Vivica Fox beat down the double standard.

Our cougar seems to be ripped from Desperate Housewives or possibly one of the older rejects from Rock of Love. The amount of botox on her face might be enough to poison all 20 boys there. The boys she's bringing to the mansion are a welcome batch of eye candy in the world of STD laden ladies of VH1 (Hotlanta, I don't believe that was a pimple. That was herpes.) Isn't it amazing that these mansions appear out of the woodwork for reality shows? Do the owners spray them down to attempt to rid them of Chlamydia after?

The downside to this show could be how incredibly fucking stupid boys in their 20s are (one guy tells her she "has the right to remain delicious.") If those are their best lines, this is gonna be a long show. We start the show off by having the men line up to try and wow this cougar with their best first impressions. The first boy pops a bottle of champers and says he's sharing one of his first legal drinks with our cougar.

Oh!!!! THERE ARE TWINS!!!! Fuck yes.

The huddle of hunks is like driving through Oakland in the morning during the warm weather -- sexy boys every which way you turn. Champers boy (Travis) wins the first impressions challenge. And it took all of 26 minutes for a boy to strip and dive in the pool. Yes please. We spend the rest of the episode watching the cougar meet the boys. You can watch it on mute.

Don't worry -- we have all the male stereotypes. There's the twins. The unemployed but loveable beta male. The ex-Marine. The bartender. The shy guy. You want it in a 20-something male, this show has got it. Now, I know what you're thinking, what cheesy gimmick if the cougar going to use to show the men they get to stay in the house? Keys, champers, clocks, backstage passes? She becomes the classiest of all: the kiss off. If you get the lips you stay, the cheek you go. Who will she eliminate -- the twin? The military veteran? I think it's against the Patriot Act to kick him off right away The unemployed but lovable beta male? As we all know, the first people off a show are completely forgetable and we don't know who they are on reunion shows.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! She eliminated one of the twins!!! DOES SHE NOT KNOW THAT IT IS EVERYONE'S FANTASY TO HAVE TWINS?!?!?! Apparently, the cougars have not kept up with how awesome the beta males are, and our beta-est beta is sent home as well.

Overall, this show attempts to be a classy version of all the reality dating shows we know and love. Travis (champers boy) is my early favortite. He's got a little beta in him, and I like that. This first episode was basically meet the eye candy. The “serious” competition is forthcoming.

- Oryomai

Recipe/ Guacamole

2009-04-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

by Cacia Y. Pepe

Feel like dipping into something Mexican? Well I’m flattered, but I’m also Italian. I created a delicious ‘Oh-So-Simple’ Guacamole. It was recently featured on Atlantic Shore Living. Try it. It’s yummy. Throw it on your chicken or eat it with blue corn chips. Do it. Do it now!